(no subject)
Dear you, in light of the very shitty birthday, I've decided that its ok to think of you. Because, really, if I hadn't made certain desicions back then, my life won't be as it is now and you would still be in it. In a big way. And not to mention that when I am upset in a big way, I do tend to think of you. Oh and there's also the thing where our birthdays are one day apart and you know, we celebrated together last year and while mine was rubbish this year, I hope you have a WAY better birthday today. Which you apparently are spending working, but hey, you like it, eh? :) But yes. I thought of you. Not as I do on normal days but I thought properly of you. Of what might have happened had things gone well and we decided to stay together. And if I had that courage to keep on dating instead of being sick of it all. And the rejection I face now. I wonder if I would face it had I stuck around. And I remembered you, and how you were for lack of a better term, a protector figure in my life. Its now, way too late, that I appreciate how you bordered on over protective of me. When you would not let me do things or let people say or do things which would upset me. I appreciate it all now, too late, but I do. Its not that I want it all the time, but sometimes, standing on your own two feet get tiring especially when you keep getting bashed over and over again. I thought of all we could have been and the conclusion is that, I still don't know on hindsight if I was right. On one hand, you were a truly wonderful person. And I did enjoy being with you alot. On the other hand, you drove me absolutely batshit insane. Which irked me alot. And a girl does not enjoy being smothered all the time. And we belong to two spheres which cannot be connected, I will readily admit, in my mind. In yours, perhaps its not a big deal to you. But to me, it's strange and almost un-doable. But since choosing has been done, I shall only remember all the nice things about you. I shall remember how you protected me when I needed someone to. How you looked after me during the particularly bad infection and made me drink too much cranberry juice and the very strange bacon. How my 20th birthday was one of the best because of the balloons and I was so touched that someone considered me worth making the effort for. And how you always gave me either literal or figurative smacks over the head for beating myself up about other girls. And a million other nice little things you've done which endeared you to me so much. And on this note, thank you. So much. For everything there. For everything. As difficult as its all been, I can no longer say I wish I've never known you. Knowing you has been awesome. Have a very, very happy birthday. Love- The Small One.