005 ☠ Voice (December 21st)
[ It's roughly 10PM, give or take when the feed begins -- and if you thought his voice was unenthusiastic and lifeless before, this is Sougo's voice on painkillers. ]
I can't sleep. So I'm going to tell you guys a bedtime story to help. It's a Christmas story to keep things festive. I haven't come up with a name for it. As a matter of fact, I haven't even thought of the story, but don't worry -- I'm a natural born storyteller.
That being said, I proudly present to you: The Death of Hijikata-san............on Christmas (it's a working title, subject to change...) Let me know what you think.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land
Not a creature was stirring, except Kondo-san's hand.
The hookers were hung with their private parts bared
Saying 'touch me, touch me' -- if anyone dared.
Hijikata-san had gone straight to his bed
With any luck, he would soon be dead.
And Hijikata naked in Gintoki's lap
Had given the fujoshi something over which to fap.
Suddenly the door opened, how it didn't matter
The most important thing was the blood splatter.
Hijikata reached down, surprised he'd been stabbed
And Gintoki reached up, tears of joy he had dabbed.
How he had been so careless, Hijikata didn't know.
But he reached over and grabbed a bottle of mayo
And sucked it down with little to no fear,
saying: "I just knew it. Sougo was here."
"Who else but Sougo could be so lively and quick?
He surpasses me in everything, even the size of his dick.
To him this is just a sick and twisted game,
Even the fact that I'm rhyming means he is to blame!"
Gintoki took out a sheet of paper and pen,
"Your Bintendo Owee -- you won't be needing it then?"
A last will and testament is a good idea, after all
Sougo has to admit that it is a good call.
The plan's a success and it's no surprise why
With this tag team of sadists, Hijikata's sure to die.
"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WAS YOU!!
YOU BASTARD, THIS IS TOO MORBID FOR CHILDREN TO VIEW!"
"Hijikata-san," Sougo said. "You have no proof."
And then they heard someone walking up on the roof.
The group looked up and then all turned around,
And down the chimney Katsura came without sound.
Gintoki stared at him blandly and then raised his foot,
and up Katsura's ass was where it was put.
"Coming in like that, it's brains that you lack --
You should've been something better. A girl with a large rack."
Katsura was bleeding, "Mistletoe is thorny.
And don't say things like that, you're just being horny.
I came here to spread the Christmas cheer, you realize.
And it's not girl with a large rack, it's Katsura."
Hijikata had a cigarette clenched between his teeth,
"You just messed up the rhythm, you role-stealing thief!
We're supposed to be the police. This pisses me off!"
And then it was blood that Hijikata started to cough.
His hand lashed out for balance, gripping the shelf.
"If I knew this was how it'd end, I would've killed you myself."
Hijikata writhed in pain and fell back on the bed.
A moment later, and ding dong he was dead.
Sougo was glad that after all his hard work
Hijikata died -- because he's really a jerk.
He rose to his feet and gave the others a gander,
"You're now looking at the new vice-commander."
And for all of you here unfortunate to know 'im
You can at least get a little joy out of this poem.
Someday it will be reality, and for that I will fight.
But for now, Merry Deathmas Death City and to all a goodnight.
I can't sleep. So I'm going to tell you guys a bedtime story to help. It's a Christmas story to keep things festive. I haven't come up with a name for it. As a matter of fact, I haven't even thought of the story, but don't worry -- I'm a natural born storyteller.
That being said, I proudly present to you: The Death of Hijikata-san............on Christmas (it's a working title, subject to change...) Let me know what you think.
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the land
Not a creature was stirring, except Kondo-san's hand.
The hookers were hung with their private parts bared
Saying 'touch me, touch me' -- if anyone dared.
Hijikata-san had gone straight to his bed
With any luck, he would soon be dead.
And Hijikata naked in Gintoki's lap
Had given the fujoshi something over which to fap.
Suddenly the door opened, how it didn't matter
The most important thing was the blood splatter.
Hijikata reached down, surprised he'd been stabbed
And Gintoki reached up, tears of joy he had dabbed.
How he had been so careless, Hijikata didn't know.
But he reached over and grabbed a bottle of mayo
And sucked it down with little to no fear,
saying: "I just knew it. Sougo was here."
"Who else but Sougo could be so lively and quick?
He surpasses me in everything, even the size of his dick.
To him this is just a sick and twisted game,
Even the fact that I'm rhyming means he is to blame!"
Gintoki took out a sheet of paper and pen,
"Your Bintendo Owee -- you won't be needing it then?"
A last will and testament is a good idea, after all
Sougo has to admit that it is a good call.
The plan's a success and it's no surprise why
With this tag team of sadists, Hijikata's sure to die.
"I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT! I KNEW IT WAS YOU!!
YOU BASTARD, THIS IS TOO MORBID FOR CHILDREN TO VIEW!"
"Hijikata-san," Sougo said. "You have no proof."
And then they heard someone walking up on the roof.
The group looked up and then all turned around,
And down the chimney Katsura came without sound.
Gintoki stared at him blandly and then raised his foot,
and up Katsura's ass was where it was put.
"Coming in like that, it's brains that you lack --
You should've been something better. A girl with a large rack."
Katsura was bleeding, "Mistletoe is thorny.
And don't say things like that, you're just being horny.
I came here to spread the Christmas cheer, you realize.
And it's not girl with a large rack, it's Katsura."
Hijikata had a cigarette clenched between his teeth,
"You just messed up the rhythm, you role-stealing thief!
We're supposed to be the police. This pisses me off!"
And then it was blood that Hijikata started to cough.
His hand lashed out for balance, gripping the shelf.
"If I knew this was how it'd end, I would've killed you myself."
Hijikata writhed in pain and fell back on the bed.
A moment later, and ding dong he was dead.
Sougo was glad that after all his hard work
Hijikata died -- because he's really a jerk.
He rose to his feet and gave the others a gander,
"You're now looking at the new vice-commander."
And for all of you here unfortunate to know 'im
You can at least get a little joy out of this poem.
Someday it will be reality, and for that I will fight.
But for now, Merry Deathmas Death City and to all a goodnight.