it's better to burn out than to fade away..
So I had a breakdown kind of night last night, not crying, but feeling really sorry for myself and really wanting someone to care. I planned on writing a huge entry, for the first time in a long long time, but that failed when he came online and started telling me how he just got home (at 1245am) and thought he'd let me know, considering I was probably working late. I told him two days before that I was OFF on sunday, and that maybe we could see eachother - he forgot. I ended up getting called into work anyway, but if I hadn't I probably wouldn't have made any plans and waited to hear from him, which wouldn't have happened. I decided to tell him that he didn't owe me anything, even though this whole thing was my idea. He was confused, so I told him that I felt like he didn't want anything more out of this, that I felt like if we actually did go through with the deal, that I would end up having feelings and I am sure he wouldn't feel the same. I was sounding like a crazy swimfan (like the movie). He ended up telling me that he doesn't know what he wants (no surprise, he didn't 5 years ago).. but that he wanted to continue things and see where they could go. I sat there typing and deleting and typing and deleting, and feeling like I had made a big mistake starting anything in the first place, because I feel like I am selling myself short because I am positive that he will never want something more with me.
but, being the crazy idiot who likes playing games that i am... some part of me likes this chase and wants to continue whatever I have started..
I think I will text him tomorrow and ask if he's available at night.. since i am off... if the answer is no, that will be my last and final attempt at trying to make something happen. I have this guy figured out so well but not at the same time. I feel like sometimes I give so much and feel so much, and that it is not reciprocated... and then at other times, I feel nothing and don't want him for anything more than what he was originally supposed to be there for. I am trying really hard to have this mean nothing to me - to play him like I've been played in the past.
And another small part of me wishes I had a perfect boyfriend so that my life could be happy and easy ... and eventually get boring until the day that I wish I could be in the place that I am now.
I have a serious case of pms and feel like I am losing my mind sometimes, like now. The last few days I have been getting sharp pains in my stomach, and not sure what is causing them. My hands are breaking out like they do every winter in rashes that I scratch because it feels good, so today I went to get some cream to keep that under control. I am also working way too much and not getting enough sleep. And I'm missing my best friend who has moved out of the country, and will soon be missing the other one who is also going to be leaving me. If it wasn't for me missing my dog too much, I would jump ship and swim to another continent and find a job and meet an Irish man with curly hair and a thick accent that I can hardly understand.
And more than anything, I miss him. I was driving home the other day and started thinking about my family and how this Christmas will be.. and about my grandpa.. and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I thought of how I will never see his face again. I started talking to him in my head, hearing his voice as clear as I could remember it, saying things to me that he would always say..because I don't ever want to forget his voice. He comes to me in the form of a lady bug sometimes... twice when I went to visit the cemetery, he was sitting on two different tombstones and I smiled both times. I have not accepted the fact that he is gone yet, but sometimes I try to forget it, and when I am driving alone I will be hit with the reality of it all and my eyes will well up and I almost have to pull over because I can't see. I want this year to be over, so much of it (aside from my trip) has been filled with unhappy memories that I want to put in a box and mail somewhere where they won't find me again. I wish I could hibernate through the rest of this year and wake up in January.
I think I just needed to get all that out of my system. I am like a completely different person from morning to night.
Ugh.
but, being the crazy idiot who likes playing games that i am... some part of me likes this chase and wants to continue whatever I have started..
I think I will text him tomorrow and ask if he's available at night.. since i am off... if the answer is no, that will be my last and final attempt at trying to make something happen. I have this guy figured out so well but not at the same time. I feel like sometimes I give so much and feel so much, and that it is not reciprocated... and then at other times, I feel nothing and don't want him for anything more than what he was originally supposed to be there for. I am trying really hard to have this mean nothing to me - to play him like I've been played in the past.
And another small part of me wishes I had a perfect boyfriend so that my life could be happy and easy ... and eventually get boring until the day that I wish I could be in the place that I am now.
I have a serious case of pms and feel like I am losing my mind sometimes, like now. The last few days I have been getting sharp pains in my stomach, and not sure what is causing them. My hands are breaking out like they do every winter in rashes that I scratch because it feels good, so today I went to get some cream to keep that under control. I am also working way too much and not getting enough sleep. And I'm missing my best friend who has moved out of the country, and will soon be missing the other one who is also going to be leaving me. If it wasn't for me missing my dog too much, I would jump ship and swim to another continent and find a job and meet an Irish man with curly hair and a thick accent that I can hardly understand.
And more than anything, I miss him. I was driving home the other day and started thinking about my family and how this Christmas will be.. and about my grandpa.. and it felt like I had been punched in the stomach when I thought of how I will never see his face again. I started talking to him in my head, hearing his voice as clear as I could remember it, saying things to me that he would always say..because I don't ever want to forget his voice. He comes to me in the form of a lady bug sometimes... twice when I went to visit the cemetery, he was sitting on two different tombstones and I smiled both times. I have not accepted the fact that he is gone yet, but sometimes I try to forget it, and when I am driving alone I will be hit with the reality of it all and my eyes will well up and I almost have to pull over because I can't see. I want this year to be over, so much of it (aside from my trip) has been filled with unhappy memories that I want to put in a box and mail somewhere where they won't find me again. I wish I could hibernate through the rest of this year and wake up in January.
I think I just needed to get all that out of my system. I am like a completely different person from morning to night.
Ugh.