a simple essay.
Guess who fails at pretty much everything? No, seriously. I told myself that I wouldn't be so nervous to comment and post, and yet here I am regretting even making this journal.
I'll be very honest and say that I am scared shitless that I'm ruining Soujirou's character and letting too much of my own personality seep in. For example, I don't think I've been making him cruel enough. While he is indeed polite and friendly towards others, he is also the same person who talks of torture of the elderly and bloodshed without batting an eye. His creed is that the strong live and the weak die; if you lose, you lose and that's it. Yet in camp, he's been sympathetic to others and I...don't really know.
On one end, I feel like Soujirou should be lacking in any and all understanding of basic human emotion and therefore come off as cold and detached. However, it is also true that he is in an environment far from the reaches of Shishio and he's left to make his own decisions. Which I believe would unsettle him, since he's so used to blindly following orders. It's his first steps as an individual, and perhaps in that case he would show empathy than he generally shows in the series.
Canon-wise, he usually only talks to others to get information, set a good impression, or otherwise reap benefits. However. I believe that he truly cared for at least Yumi and Shishio as his pseudo-family, whether he realized it prior to his defeat or not. When he finds out about their deaths later on, he doesn't say much in reply, which to me indicates that he was deeply, deeply hurt by the news and just didn't quite know how to put it into words. Although I have a Soujirou from before this conversation, I think the same pattern would occur. When confronted with a political situation or a battle, he's brilliant at manipulation and getting his way. However, when confronted with true human feelings...feelings that he doesn't quite acknowledge or understand within himself...that is what will start to wear on his disguise.
Not to say that he abandons all his cause (he's still rootin' for the strong), but he's beginning to wonder how it could be that such kind people...people he genuinely likes...are somehow against his ideals. A contradiction. He doesn't quite know what to think. But he does his best to continue to be friendly, to be polite, and to show what understanding he can without leaving his own emotions to shiver in the outside air. He's admitted to missing his home, and little else.
With more development and interaction, I think his walls will start to wear down even more. However, this is where my failure as a mun comes in. I'm a self-conscious, paranoid, indecisive person, and I'm quick to doubt my own ability. So, therefore, when it comes to commenting...I may see a post that I want to comment on, but feel like I would take it nowhere and just end up bothering the person. And continue to fail at characterization. Trust me, I've considered just giving it up [again] because I know that I'm not half as witty or funny as most of the people here. And that isn't an exaggeration. Additionally, I have limited time due to sports activities and a rather unsettling increase in various illnesses. And along with my insecurity...yeah, that basically makes me a failure at being active or good or whatever else I may need to be. I've already considered dropping, but I know that it would only make me feel worse. But...I feel like I'm intruding on everyone, and like I won't be able to fit in. I really don't know.
...you know, I think I may just beat my own character for emotional problems.
On a lighter note, I really do hope that I haven't been annoying anyone. I genuinely believe that you guys are some of the best roleplayers to be found, and I'm flattered that I actually got in in the first place ♥