(no subject)
back to the 10-5, 5 days a week at the ol faithful ogunquit camera shop. i spent yesterday and today cleaning everything. putting everything away, taking out trash, sweeping, mopping, dusting...pretty much picking up after everything i havent done in a few weeks. i went to OE the other day to pick up my check and chloe was sitting on the counter. when she saw me she jumped up and ran to me and hugged me. told me she missed me. showed me her braces. stood there, holding my hand, telling me all about school. my heart felt like it was going to explode. i talk to tracy every day, even if im not working. shes one of my best friends. she knows everything that goes on in my life and always knows what to say. its so hard. i dont know what to do with it. i know i could do more. i know i need more. i love the family, the loyalty, the flexibility and understanding, the kindness....ive never found this any where else. ive worked really hard for them for my entire adult life. and now im stuck. i dont know how to move forward.
i feel disappointed in myself for what happened with kiddie kandids. i miss picture people and my boss at that job. im mad that i am now probably going to miss out on a career i really enjoy.
its hard to explain to anyone because most of my friends arent feeling the same way yet. in the past two years, ive gone between two extremes. i slept with more people last year than i can count...seriously. i drank within inches of my tolerance. i partied. i met people. i went crazy (in more ways than one). i never EVER stayed home. i was always finding someone and something new. and then i shut down. stopped altogether. worked a ton. lied to everyone to keep myself shut in and detached. sunk into myself and really digressed. i dont regret either extreme. they helped me become who i am. from where i stand now, i have goals. attainable goals that i think about every day. i want a career. something i enjoy doing that creates stability financially and in my daily life. i want to be healthy. i want to see doctors and take care of myself because ive had a really, really hard time being honest with anyone (mostly myself) about what i need to do to get better. i want to make a home for myself. alone. i want to do this on my own, or with family. i can not do that with a romantic interest. i cant allow the stability and comfort of MY home to depend on someone else. finally, i want to have children. desperately. its ultimately what everything else i want is leading up to. i want to be a mom or be in a very mom-able situation by the time im 26. dont get me wrong, if i get to 26 and im in any way not ready for a baby, im not going to do it any way and im not going to feel like a failure. saying "26", five years, gives me something to work towards. something to look forward to.
before i came to this conclusion, i would look ahead in my life and see pain and suffering and terrible discomfort. abandonment. frustration. loneliness. failure.
what i know now, is that one thing builds on another. i cant get an easy fix. jumping into a relationship, settling in and pretending its good enough wont work. in the end, ill be further from my goals than i am now. i have to do one thing at a time. the first layer has to be dry before i start the next. i see that. and im cautious of it.
im scared of men. terrified of forming relationships with them. for lots of reasons. the few situations im sort of involved in are shakey. and like i said, i am crippled by fear at the mere thought of them. the fear that i will be the asshole, yet again. the fear that im leading someone one. the fear that i will be asked to get cozy and settle in and abandon my goals. the fear that im being lead on. the fear that the distance isnt the only thing that keeps us apart. the fear that im not small enough, cute enough. the biggest, baddest of them all....
the fear that i am entirely confused about how i relate to men and any amount of closeness i find, i turn it into something romantic/sexual because im convinced that its all a man could want from me.
i dont know what it means that im almost never interested in having sex with him. that its not the first, second, third, fourth etc thing i think of when i think of him. its the last thing. the very last fucking thing. i have NO idea what that means. its horrifying.
ive never been a sexless creature. and here i am...without sex. without the intense urge and constant need for it that ive had since i was barely 14. more than what it means about my situation with him, im concerned about what it means for me.
its very confusing. and i feel like im on the verge of something much bigger than i thought. the past few months lead up to me being disappointed and let down. im not quite ready to start the rebuilding but i know which direction to head in when i am. im thankful for the friends, family and camera shop that watched me work, fall and are now seeing me get back up. its true. i feel like a failure. totally and utterly. its hard to disappoint yourself that badly. it feels awful. ive had a hard time being honest with anyone about what i wanted because i am afraid of criticism that sometimes hits too hard. this is what i want. i know it. ive been working towards it a lot longer than you might realize.
i keep my ipod on shuffle and sometimes it knows exactly what to play. on the way here:
"Maybe tonight in the few short moments In which we converse
We can speak of something other than the ways our bodies hurt us.
Please, please, think of me. I’m Alive and still breathing
I’m wondering is this a death bed in which the living lay.
This turned out to be something that I have no control over
This secret reservoir that can dry up, or spill over
As it pleases. This power is stripped from me.
So I’m listening for you to speak to me,
Of Green Days and Blue Nights,
or at least nothing that even remotely,
Reminds me of these Workhorse Days
Blame everything on me,
I can carry the weight of everyone on my body.
Give Justice for these sins,
or at least an explanation for how I have been feeling.
Please, please, think of me. I’m Alive and still breathing
I’m listening for you to speak to me,
Of Blue Days and Green Nights,
or at least nothing that even remotely
Reminds me of these Workhorse Days"
like a freight train.
i feel disappointed in myself for what happened with kiddie kandids. i miss picture people and my boss at that job. im mad that i am now probably going to miss out on a career i really enjoy.
its hard to explain to anyone because most of my friends arent feeling the same way yet. in the past two years, ive gone between two extremes. i slept with more people last year than i can count...seriously. i drank within inches of my tolerance. i partied. i met people. i went crazy (in more ways than one). i never EVER stayed home. i was always finding someone and something new. and then i shut down. stopped altogether. worked a ton. lied to everyone to keep myself shut in and detached. sunk into myself and really digressed. i dont regret either extreme. they helped me become who i am. from where i stand now, i have goals. attainable goals that i think about every day. i want a career. something i enjoy doing that creates stability financially and in my daily life. i want to be healthy. i want to see doctors and take care of myself because ive had a really, really hard time being honest with anyone (mostly myself) about what i need to do to get better. i want to make a home for myself. alone. i want to do this on my own, or with family. i can not do that with a romantic interest. i cant allow the stability and comfort of MY home to depend on someone else. finally, i want to have children. desperately. its ultimately what everything else i want is leading up to. i want to be a mom or be in a very mom-able situation by the time im 26. dont get me wrong, if i get to 26 and im in any way not ready for a baby, im not going to do it any way and im not going to feel like a failure. saying "26", five years, gives me something to work towards. something to look forward to.
before i came to this conclusion, i would look ahead in my life and see pain and suffering and terrible discomfort. abandonment. frustration. loneliness. failure.
what i know now, is that one thing builds on another. i cant get an easy fix. jumping into a relationship, settling in and pretending its good enough wont work. in the end, ill be further from my goals than i am now. i have to do one thing at a time. the first layer has to be dry before i start the next. i see that. and im cautious of it.
im scared of men. terrified of forming relationships with them. for lots of reasons. the few situations im sort of involved in are shakey. and like i said, i am crippled by fear at the mere thought of them. the fear that i will be the asshole, yet again. the fear that im leading someone one. the fear that i will be asked to get cozy and settle in and abandon my goals. the fear that im being lead on. the fear that the distance isnt the only thing that keeps us apart. the fear that im not small enough, cute enough. the biggest, baddest of them all....
the fear that i am entirely confused about how i relate to men and any amount of closeness i find, i turn it into something romantic/sexual because im convinced that its all a man could want from me.
i dont know what it means that im almost never interested in having sex with him. that its not the first, second, third, fourth etc thing i think of when i think of him. its the last thing. the very last fucking thing. i have NO idea what that means. its horrifying.
ive never been a sexless creature. and here i am...without sex. without the intense urge and constant need for it that ive had since i was barely 14. more than what it means about my situation with him, im concerned about what it means for me.
its very confusing. and i feel like im on the verge of something much bigger than i thought. the past few months lead up to me being disappointed and let down. im not quite ready to start the rebuilding but i know which direction to head in when i am. im thankful for the friends, family and camera shop that watched me work, fall and are now seeing me get back up. its true. i feel like a failure. totally and utterly. its hard to disappoint yourself that badly. it feels awful. ive had a hard time being honest with anyone about what i wanted because i am afraid of criticism that sometimes hits too hard. this is what i want. i know it. ive been working towards it a lot longer than you might realize.
i keep my ipod on shuffle and sometimes it knows exactly what to play. on the way here:
"Maybe tonight in the few short moments In which we converse
We can speak of something other than the ways our bodies hurt us.
Please, please, think of me. I’m Alive and still breathing
I’m wondering is this a death bed in which the living lay.
This turned out to be something that I have no control over
This secret reservoir that can dry up, or spill over
As it pleases. This power is stripped from me.
So I’m listening for you to speak to me,
Of Green Days and Blue Nights,
or at least nothing that even remotely,
Reminds me of these Workhorse Days
Blame everything on me,
I can carry the weight of everyone on my body.
Give Justice for these sins,
or at least an explanation for how I have been feeling.
Please, please, think of me. I’m Alive and still breathing
I’m listening for you to speak to me,
Of Blue Days and Green Nights,
or at least nothing that even remotely
Reminds me of these Workhorse Days"
like a freight train.