(no subject)
im tired of plucking my eyebrows.
im tired of amigos on weekend nights, full of stupid people that i dont want to talk to.
im tired of the cold, and my feet and hands never really warming up.
im tired of the negativity in my life that seems to have taken a deathly grip on everything good i have.
im tired of going out and feeling shitty about it in the morning.
im tired of pushing myself too far, ignoring my limits.
im tired of parking in portland. freals.
im tired of this zit on my chin! JUST GO AWAY, SERIOUSLY!
im tired of this journal being a bitch fest and having nothing good to write about.
im tired of writing shit. i cant write for fucking shit.
im tired of having no perspective, not being able to see that i have it better than a lot of people and i should just stop being so pissy.
im tired of wondering, constantly, if i should be on psychiatric meds.
im tired of ogunquit in the winter; ghost town much?
im tired of answering my phone and having people ask for "mike". (stop giving people my number "mike". its been mine for a LONG time. back offffffffff!)
im tired of the mass pike and mass state police officers...actually...
im tired of ALL police officers. especially ones on power trips.
im tired of speed limits.
im tired of my friends who have girlfriends and therefore do not have time or interest in me. until their girlfriends are out of town.
im tired of the outsiders playing genos all the time. playing every where all the time. im over it. sorry.
im tired of apologizing for things that happened years ago.
im tired of my total inability to play it smooth.
im tired of working, all the time...for next to nothing.
im tired of reminding myself every fucking day that "it could be worse". rather than just thinking "things are ok". why does my brain do it that way?!
im tired of hearing myself think.
im tired of the stabilizer heating error on the paper processor!
im tired of looking at ruined customers film that makes me feel like a total failure.
im tired of my ipod and nearly everything on it.
im tired of being away from my sister for even a second.
im tired of taking pictures of kids that wont listen, not even to their parents.
im tired of looking at pregnant women and feeling my heart ache.
im tired of pain in my lower back that never really goes away.
im tired of credit cards.
im tired of my post office box, and the hours the post office keeps.
im tired of brown, yucky snow on the side of the road.
im tired of being suspicious of everyone i know.
im tired of wondering why i dont have all the answers.
im tired of trying to make a plan for a life i havent even really begun.
im tired of taking care of my car. oil changes and tires and gas and washes and blahhhhhh.
im tired of banks and everything they say and do.
im tired of friends that dont call (ever) and then just pop up like its ok. its not.
im tired of not having weed. or my bowl to smoke weed.
im tired of m&m's for breakfast.
im tired of dry, winter skin.
im tired of short, thin, small, petite, little, tiny, girls with cute hair and cute smiles and tan skin and great personalities.
im tired of tall, handsome, dark, mysterious, charming and smooth guys.
im tired of caring about anyone that doesnt care about me.
im tired of my bangs. grow, dammit.
im tired of people playing stupid sublime on the jukebox at amigos. if you dont know that they will skip it, you shouldnt even be there anyway!
im tired of not hanging out at mulligans, all the time.
im tired of not having a living room of my own.
im tired of typing.
im tired of crying.
im tired of not having anything good to say.
im tired of being useless.
im tired of being alone.
im tired of waiting for things to look up.
im tired of being so god damned fucking negative that i cant seem to get out of my own way long enough to fix anything.
im tired of bmx boys that seem like fun at first, and end up just being dirty and unreliable.
im tired of life.
im exhausted. i realized this today.
i need help. and ill be getting it this week.
i never meant to hurt anyone. least of all, my best friend for the better part of my adult life. i dont know how to turn shit around on my own. ill be in therapy a few times a week for at least a month. i want to wake up. i want to snap out of it. but i cant do it on my own.
im defective.
and i hate asking for this kind of help.
im tired of amigos on weekend nights, full of stupid people that i dont want to talk to.
im tired of the cold, and my feet and hands never really warming up.
im tired of the negativity in my life that seems to have taken a deathly grip on everything good i have.
im tired of going out and feeling shitty about it in the morning.
im tired of pushing myself too far, ignoring my limits.
im tired of parking in portland. freals.
im tired of this zit on my chin! JUST GO AWAY, SERIOUSLY!
im tired of this journal being a bitch fest and having nothing good to write about.
im tired of writing shit. i cant write for fucking shit.
im tired of having no perspective, not being able to see that i have it better than a lot of people and i should just stop being so pissy.
im tired of wondering, constantly, if i should be on psychiatric meds.
im tired of ogunquit in the winter; ghost town much?
im tired of answering my phone and having people ask for "mike". (stop giving people my number "mike". its been mine for a LONG time. back offffffffff!)
im tired of the mass pike and mass state police officers...actually...
im tired of ALL police officers. especially ones on power trips.
im tired of speed limits.
im tired of my friends who have girlfriends and therefore do not have time or interest in me. until their girlfriends are out of town.
im tired of the outsiders playing genos all the time. playing every where all the time. im over it. sorry.
im tired of apologizing for things that happened years ago.
im tired of my total inability to play it smooth.
im tired of working, all the time...for next to nothing.
im tired of reminding myself every fucking day that "it could be worse". rather than just thinking "things are ok". why does my brain do it that way?!
im tired of hearing myself think.
im tired of the stabilizer heating error on the paper processor!
im tired of looking at ruined customers film that makes me feel like a total failure.
im tired of my ipod and nearly everything on it.
im tired of being away from my sister for even a second.
im tired of taking pictures of kids that wont listen, not even to their parents.
im tired of looking at pregnant women and feeling my heart ache.
im tired of pain in my lower back that never really goes away.
im tired of credit cards.
im tired of my post office box, and the hours the post office keeps.
im tired of brown, yucky snow on the side of the road.
im tired of being suspicious of everyone i know.
im tired of wondering why i dont have all the answers.
im tired of trying to make a plan for a life i havent even really begun.
im tired of taking care of my car. oil changes and tires and gas and washes and blahhhhhh.
im tired of banks and everything they say and do.
im tired of friends that dont call (ever) and then just pop up like its ok. its not.
im tired of not having weed. or my bowl to smoke weed.
im tired of m&m's for breakfast.
im tired of dry, winter skin.
im tired of short, thin, small, petite, little, tiny, girls with cute hair and cute smiles and tan skin and great personalities.
im tired of tall, handsome, dark, mysterious, charming and smooth guys.
im tired of caring about anyone that doesnt care about me.
im tired of my bangs. grow, dammit.
im tired of people playing stupid sublime on the jukebox at amigos. if you dont know that they will skip it, you shouldnt even be there anyway!
im tired of not hanging out at mulligans, all the time.
im tired of not having a living room of my own.
im tired of typing.
im tired of crying.
im tired of not having anything good to say.
im tired of being useless.
im tired of being alone.
im tired of waiting for things to look up.
im tired of being so god damned fucking negative that i cant seem to get out of my own way long enough to fix anything.
im tired of bmx boys that seem like fun at first, and end up just being dirty and unreliable.
im tired of life.
im exhausted. i realized this today.
i need help. and ill be getting it this week.
i never meant to hurt anyone. least of all, my best friend for the better part of my adult life. i dont know how to turn shit around on my own. ill be in therapy a few times a week for at least a month. i want to wake up. i want to snap out of it. but i cant do it on my own.
im defective.
and i hate asking for this kind of help.