(no subject)
i actually have a ton more to say. we went out last night. i drank a bit but strangely...never felt much of it. i was buzzed and warm for sure but i felt like i was some where else. i was so wrapped up in my own thoughts, i think i even experienced tunnel vision at one point. apparently, it came off like i was in a bitchy mood. i wasnt really. i kept saying i was pissy but i wasnt. i wasnt upset or irritated...i was just so contemplative. i was completely inside my own head.
lately, this past week, its been almost impossible not to consider it all. the relationships ive had in the past few years, the choices ive made, the ideas ive allowed my imagination to take over, the distance ive given myself from everyone else in my life. i feel like i finally understand myself. i know why i say the things i say and do the things i do. and im happy with that. i like who i am. i know i have some pretty ridiculous downfalls but i like it. im totally accepting of them.
i think a big problem i have at the moment is that i allow myself to believe things that arent true. i live in a fantasy because i want them to be true, so very badly. every time we talked about it he would say "i dont know". the truth was and still is that he did still love her. he does still love her. he did and does still want to be with her. he was saying "i dont know" to spare himself the pain. i knew all along it was a lie but i bought it hoping it would become true at some point. seeing him last night made me realize that we will remain friends. we will get through this and he will be my friend for a very long time. theres no question in my mind. theres so much love between us now and weve shared so much. thats never going to go away. no one will ever take that from us. i felt something in my gut for him. i still feel it. but it will go away. its already starting to. falling in love? maybe...i dont know. i just know that i felt something and now it has to stop.
what ive had a hard time with, what was eating me up at the bar is that i know now what i want for myself. i dont think its crazy and i dont think im wrong for wanting it. i feel like im making all the right choices in the direction of attaining that goal. i want to feel better about how i interact with people. i want to get better at drawing the line between what i know to be true and what others project on to me.
thinking now about the moments and people that make me truly happy...i realize they are few and far between because ive the habits ive developed. i love kate. i love going to kates and cuddling up and watching ghey ass tv with her dog. i think this might happen more when we both move. i love my sisters. spending time with them in any situation makes me feel good. i love hanging out with ian and eric at mulligans. watching them play pool and talking to the old guys that hang out there. or just playing hearts on ians coffee table. i love driving to natick to see brian, even if i get speeding tickets and get lost, just so we can fall asleep in the middle of a movie and stay in bed way too long. i love ace, nate, matt and meg....hanging out at band practice, freezing my ass off and talking about jerking off while pooping. i love adam and miss getting dinner and watching movies. these moments make me happy. i want to concentrate on making more of them. i need to pull myself out of this.
im hoping that moving is the change that i need. i hope that by making a home and giving myself space i will be able to give back more to the people i love. i want to feel good about the way i fill my days again. i dont want to feel like im a convenience, something thats better than nothing. i know that im worth the time. i know that i could be pretty awesome if given the chance to move on. i want to make things change. moving feels like the first step.
lately, this past week, its been almost impossible not to consider it all. the relationships ive had in the past few years, the choices ive made, the ideas ive allowed my imagination to take over, the distance ive given myself from everyone else in my life. i feel like i finally understand myself. i know why i say the things i say and do the things i do. and im happy with that. i like who i am. i know i have some pretty ridiculous downfalls but i like it. im totally accepting of them.
i think a big problem i have at the moment is that i allow myself to believe things that arent true. i live in a fantasy because i want them to be true, so very badly. every time we talked about it he would say "i dont know". the truth was and still is that he did still love her. he does still love her. he did and does still want to be with her. he was saying "i dont know" to spare himself the pain. i knew all along it was a lie but i bought it hoping it would become true at some point. seeing him last night made me realize that we will remain friends. we will get through this and he will be my friend for a very long time. theres no question in my mind. theres so much love between us now and weve shared so much. thats never going to go away. no one will ever take that from us. i felt something in my gut for him. i still feel it. but it will go away. its already starting to. falling in love? maybe...i dont know. i just know that i felt something and now it has to stop.
what ive had a hard time with, what was eating me up at the bar is that i know now what i want for myself. i dont think its crazy and i dont think im wrong for wanting it. i feel like im making all the right choices in the direction of attaining that goal. i want to feel better about how i interact with people. i want to get better at drawing the line between what i know to be true and what others project on to me.
thinking now about the moments and people that make me truly happy...i realize they are few and far between because ive the habits ive developed. i love kate. i love going to kates and cuddling up and watching ghey ass tv with her dog. i think this might happen more when we both move. i love my sisters. spending time with them in any situation makes me feel good. i love hanging out with ian and eric at mulligans. watching them play pool and talking to the old guys that hang out there. or just playing hearts on ians coffee table. i love driving to natick to see brian, even if i get speeding tickets and get lost, just so we can fall asleep in the middle of a movie and stay in bed way too long. i love ace, nate, matt and meg....hanging out at band practice, freezing my ass off and talking about jerking off while pooping. i love adam and miss getting dinner and watching movies. these moments make me happy. i want to concentrate on making more of them. i need to pull myself out of this.
im hoping that moving is the change that i need. i hope that by making a home and giving myself space i will be able to give back more to the people i love. i want to feel good about the way i fill my days again. i dont want to feel like im a convenience, something thats better than nothing. i know that im worth the time. i know that i could be pretty awesome if given the chance to move on. i want to make things change. moving feels like the first step.