(no subject)
i passed out at 9:30 last night after having a little whiskey. to be honest, i dont think the whiskey was what did it. i was sitting on ians couch listening to this mix i made. i was drunk but completely capable and under control. i started thinking about everything that had happenedin the past few days. and then everything that had happened in the past few weeks.
i dont consider myself a pessimist. im usually able to find the good in just about any situation. i keep trying to make positive advances in my career and my social life. in spite of that, i feel like the past 2 months or so have been a pretty consistant downward spiral. so i started trying to think of how i might be perpetuating that cycle, so that i might end it. there are 3 things that are really upsetting me and making me feel out of control. my job, my living situation, and my romantic situation. when i decided to lay down i had come to the conclusion that i have no real options any more. i can change my job but i wont really get more than what i have any where else. even if i did, that wouldnt make me happy. i like my job and just have to wait for the right time to expect or ask for more. ive been looking into moving out of my aunt and uncles but i really dont want any debt when i do finally take on more responsibility. the idea when i moved in was to save, something i have not done at all. i need to stop spending so much money. i always do it thinking some how it will make me happy but it never does. i need to stay home more and spend less on going out. when im ready to move out, i will. but i really cant right now so i need to make the best of what i have.
so then, the one i still havent really figured out. i feel insecure. i didnt at first. at first, he liked me and i liked him and i was comfortable. now, i think im fat or unstylish or annoying or clingy. my first instinct is to say that im not ready for this kind of situation again. and i think its the truth. im not happy with myself or with my life so how can i possibly fit someone else into that. when i am happy its fleeting and its usually dependent on outside factors...such as the presence of a certain individual.
he has become a very good friend. he is the first person i think to call when i have time off or something to talk about. i dont want to lose that. can i still hang out with him without feeling like theres an attachment? i dont know. but i guess i have to try. i shouldnt stay at his house any more. i dont think i will tell him any of this. its just something im going to do. i dont really care about getting laid any more. and i dont really need someone to hold me to fall asleep. the companionship we have in our friendship is plenty. i dont want anything else. from any one.
i look at pictures of myself from a year or two ago and i have no idea if that was me or if this is me. am i less myself or more? i posted some on myspace hoping to get some sort of reaction. maybe someone else could tell me, "this totally doesnt look like you" or "wow, you look so awesome!" and that would make some sort of difference. but no one said anything and i really cant put that much weight on what other people think any way.
i didnt cry. which is weird. i cry less than ever these days. i just lay there in his bed. he came in to get the fan at one point, i pretended i was sleeping. i stared at the wall for a good few hours letting it all sink in. im totally lost.
i dont consider myself a pessimist. im usually able to find the good in just about any situation. i keep trying to make positive advances in my career and my social life. in spite of that, i feel like the past 2 months or so have been a pretty consistant downward spiral. so i started trying to think of how i might be perpetuating that cycle, so that i might end it. there are 3 things that are really upsetting me and making me feel out of control. my job, my living situation, and my romantic situation. when i decided to lay down i had come to the conclusion that i have no real options any more. i can change my job but i wont really get more than what i have any where else. even if i did, that wouldnt make me happy. i like my job and just have to wait for the right time to expect or ask for more. ive been looking into moving out of my aunt and uncles but i really dont want any debt when i do finally take on more responsibility. the idea when i moved in was to save, something i have not done at all. i need to stop spending so much money. i always do it thinking some how it will make me happy but it never does. i need to stay home more and spend less on going out. when im ready to move out, i will. but i really cant right now so i need to make the best of what i have.
so then, the one i still havent really figured out. i feel insecure. i didnt at first. at first, he liked me and i liked him and i was comfortable. now, i think im fat or unstylish or annoying or clingy. my first instinct is to say that im not ready for this kind of situation again. and i think its the truth. im not happy with myself or with my life so how can i possibly fit someone else into that. when i am happy its fleeting and its usually dependent on outside factors...such as the presence of a certain individual.
he has become a very good friend. he is the first person i think to call when i have time off or something to talk about. i dont want to lose that. can i still hang out with him without feeling like theres an attachment? i dont know. but i guess i have to try. i shouldnt stay at his house any more. i dont think i will tell him any of this. its just something im going to do. i dont really care about getting laid any more. and i dont really need someone to hold me to fall asleep. the companionship we have in our friendship is plenty. i dont want anything else. from any one.
i look at pictures of myself from a year or two ago and i have no idea if that was me or if this is me. am i less myself or more? i posted some on myspace hoping to get some sort of reaction. maybe someone else could tell me, "this totally doesnt look like you" or "wow, you look so awesome!" and that would make some sort of difference. but no one said anything and i really cant put that much weight on what other people think any way.
i didnt cry. which is weird. i cry less than ever these days. i just lay there in his bed. he came in to get the fan at one point, i pretended i was sleeping. i stared at the wall for a good few hours letting it all sink in. im totally lost.