(no subject)
i havent made a real update in a long time. i guess i just assume that those who care, know. or will ask. im living with my aunt and uncle. things are going well with that. they are good people who have good intentions. tiki had some problems adjusting but i think thats all smoothed over now. were settled and will probably be here for a while. there have been a few opportunities for me to consider moving out but nothings felt right and this is a good way for me to make sure im secure again.
i havent really spoken to my mom since i moved out. ive seen here but its been uncomfortable. its hard for us to communicate because we both know there is very little to say after such a blatant failure. she sent me a gift card to buy gas. i did. i called and thanked her answering machine. thats pretty much as far as weve gotten.
my sister moved in with her boyfriend in biddeford. its a good situation for her, fundamentally but i worry about her ability to maintain her own life. its easy for her to become FOR someone rather than just with someone. i call. she calls. we never really have time for each other, our schedules clash.
work has been going well. the two kids i work with left for school. it actually helps to not have to be picking up or apologizing for them all the time. i can do my job better when its just me. im not sure what ill be doing for the winter. ive put in a few resumes and even had a few interviews but nothing seemed right. the camera shop is easy and pays the bills but ive got some motivation to find something with more room to move up. i wont leave it for something i dont like. i cant imagine getting up and going to a job i dont enjoy every day. picture people will pick up more hours in the winter but its a long drive to make for how much they pay me. ill either ask for a raise or just stick with 2 days a week. there was a really good promotion up for grabs a few weeks ago but it was taken almost immediately. i have a feeling another position will come along like that rather soon. i think ill be ready for it by then.
im seeing a boy. his name is rodge. well his name is dave but if you know him, you probably know him as rodge. hes wonderful. its casual and pretty easy going. he rides bikes and makes me dinner and always has something nice to say. my constant struggle with monogamy isnt over looked. we talk constantly and i always feel like hes got the best intentions. we arent seeing other people but we arent really holding each other back from seeing other people. it doesnt make much sense to anyone but us.
actually, we were both going to see someone else this weekend. so hopefully, honesty will prevail and who knows how things will end up.
ive been working alot and took today, tomorrow and monday off. which was really hard to do because its labor day weekend in a tourist town. my boss agreed that i deserve it and took on a lot of work just so that i could have a break. i had originally planned to make a trip to go to new york to visit friends but in the typical fashion, phone calls went unanswered and emails...vaguely and unenthusiastically replied so i gave up on that. its a strange friendship ive formed with especially those two brothers. while i know they love me and i can feel theyre love when im with them...their actual friendship is fickle and fleeting. ive grown used to it. and actually sort of fond of it.
anyway. so i started making plans to maybe take the time in boston instead. to visit someone whos become a very close friend. however, after speaking to miss kd last night, i may have to reschedule that long awaited visit. which will be a huge let down im sure but kd has been there for me all summer and a proper (hopefully, whiskey soaked) good bye is in order. again, another decision i havent made yet. some disappointment and some good times will be had no matter which decision i make.
kate will be home soon. thank god. weve been through so much and i can honestly say that there have been some times when our friendship was entirely unhealthy for both of us. but in her absence, i think its become more obvious that i know i can count on her. if nothing else, to just understand when i say "everything fucking sucks." where we once ridiculed and judged each other, we can now just listen because weve literally been through all of it. our lives have been so parallel that its hard to tell them apart sometimes. i cant wait to see her.
everyone going back to school has made me a little jealous. i know im not ready to go back but id like to think of myself as a motivated person. ive been considering taking a career class in sanford. a quick 18 week program or something. just to fill up some time and give me something to put on my resume. a secretary class or something. maybe a bartending class. just another idea.
ive been eating better. trying to at least. i was noticing that i was tired and feeling weak. i think it was because of my strange, almost non existent diet. i saw a few doctors and got another years worth of pills. its been said that i just have to wait. wait until im worse. or...almost dead. whatever. ive accepted that my life style has a direct impact on my physical well being. i cant drink like i used to. a week long bender always ends the same way. ER visits and unbelievable pain. i know this. ive connected these dots. lots of water and juice, peeing alot and less alcohol. its a life style i have to take on because my body is aging quicker than id like to admit. the headaches are the worst part right now which i have medications for. they dont seem to help but im working on alternatives. ive been running some. not nearly enough to make a difference, haha. but some.
ive been listening to alien ant farm again. i still like that band. alot of small brown bike, jose gonzalez, waxwing, starlight mints and the pixies. the marvels are making an appearance in my cd player lately. as are the call up demos. end of summer nostalgia i guess. as always, jason molina leads the "most played" list on my itunes. speaking of:
september 15 at the middle east
magnolia electric company
i have to go. i have no choice. anyone interested?
ive been reading alot too. hardcore zen by brad warner has been kicking me in the ass. a book about reincarnation has also been putting some shit into perspective. i have a few books on interlibrary loan at goodall so ill be set for a while.
alot of things changed really quickly for me. i started to feel left behind and swept aside. my own actions put me in situations that felt aimless and painful. ive become more realistic about the people in my life. ive moved on from a few disappointments and hopefully im resilient enough to keep trying.
thats pretty much it.
despite the constant questions and resurfacing romantic tragedies.
im still madly in love with my cat. and cary grant. which is how i spend most of my free time. my cell phone gets less use than ever these days. and i actually go DAYS on end with out even looking at myspace (my god, i know!). life.
im still around.
if ive been less attentive than usual, im not really sorry but i think i might be able to start up again. ill be in touch.
i havent really spoken to my mom since i moved out. ive seen here but its been uncomfortable. its hard for us to communicate because we both know there is very little to say after such a blatant failure. she sent me a gift card to buy gas. i did. i called and thanked her answering machine. thats pretty much as far as weve gotten.
my sister moved in with her boyfriend in biddeford. its a good situation for her, fundamentally but i worry about her ability to maintain her own life. its easy for her to become FOR someone rather than just with someone. i call. she calls. we never really have time for each other, our schedules clash.
work has been going well. the two kids i work with left for school. it actually helps to not have to be picking up or apologizing for them all the time. i can do my job better when its just me. im not sure what ill be doing for the winter. ive put in a few resumes and even had a few interviews but nothing seemed right. the camera shop is easy and pays the bills but ive got some motivation to find something with more room to move up. i wont leave it for something i dont like. i cant imagine getting up and going to a job i dont enjoy every day. picture people will pick up more hours in the winter but its a long drive to make for how much they pay me. ill either ask for a raise or just stick with 2 days a week. there was a really good promotion up for grabs a few weeks ago but it was taken almost immediately. i have a feeling another position will come along like that rather soon. i think ill be ready for it by then.
im seeing a boy. his name is rodge. well his name is dave but if you know him, you probably know him as rodge. hes wonderful. its casual and pretty easy going. he rides bikes and makes me dinner and always has something nice to say. my constant struggle with monogamy isnt over looked. we talk constantly and i always feel like hes got the best intentions. we arent seeing other people but we arent really holding each other back from seeing other people. it doesnt make much sense to anyone but us.
actually, we were both going to see someone else this weekend. so hopefully, honesty will prevail and who knows how things will end up.
ive been working alot and took today, tomorrow and monday off. which was really hard to do because its labor day weekend in a tourist town. my boss agreed that i deserve it and took on a lot of work just so that i could have a break. i had originally planned to make a trip to go to new york to visit friends but in the typical fashion, phone calls went unanswered and emails...vaguely and unenthusiastically replied so i gave up on that. its a strange friendship ive formed with especially those two brothers. while i know they love me and i can feel theyre love when im with them...their actual friendship is fickle and fleeting. ive grown used to it. and actually sort of fond of it.
anyway. so i started making plans to maybe take the time in boston instead. to visit someone whos become a very close friend. however, after speaking to miss kd last night, i may have to reschedule that long awaited visit. which will be a huge let down im sure but kd has been there for me all summer and a proper (hopefully, whiskey soaked) good bye is in order. again, another decision i havent made yet. some disappointment and some good times will be had no matter which decision i make.
kate will be home soon. thank god. weve been through so much and i can honestly say that there have been some times when our friendship was entirely unhealthy for both of us. but in her absence, i think its become more obvious that i know i can count on her. if nothing else, to just understand when i say "everything fucking sucks." where we once ridiculed and judged each other, we can now just listen because weve literally been through all of it. our lives have been so parallel that its hard to tell them apart sometimes. i cant wait to see her.
everyone going back to school has made me a little jealous. i know im not ready to go back but id like to think of myself as a motivated person. ive been considering taking a career class in sanford. a quick 18 week program or something. just to fill up some time and give me something to put on my resume. a secretary class or something. maybe a bartending class. just another idea.
ive been eating better. trying to at least. i was noticing that i was tired and feeling weak. i think it was because of my strange, almost non existent diet. i saw a few doctors and got another years worth of pills. its been said that i just have to wait. wait until im worse. or...almost dead. whatever. ive accepted that my life style has a direct impact on my physical well being. i cant drink like i used to. a week long bender always ends the same way. ER visits and unbelievable pain. i know this. ive connected these dots. lots of water and juice, peeing alot and less alcohol. its a life style i have to take on because my body is aging quicker than id like to admit. the headaches are the worst part right now which i have medications for. they dont seem to help but im working on alternatives. ive been running some. not nearly enough to make a difference, haha. but some.
ive been listening to alien ant farm again. i still like that band. alot of small brown bike, jose gonzalez, waxwing, starlight mints and the pixies. the marvels are making an appearance in my cd player lately. as are the call up demos. end of summer nostalgia i guess. as always, jason molina leads the "most played" list on my itunes. speaking of:
september 15 at the middle east
magnolia electric company
i have to go. i have no choice. anyone interested?
ive been reading alot too. hardcore zen by brad warner has been kicking me in the ass. a book about reincarnation has also been putting some shit into perspective. i have a few books on interlibrary loan at goodall so ill be set for a while.
alot of things changed really quickly for me. i started to feel left behind and swept aside. my own actions put me in situations that felt aimless and painful. ive become more realistic about the people in my life. ive moved on from a few disappointments and hopefully im resilient enough to keep trying.
thats pretty much it.
despite the constant questions and resurfacing romantic tragedies.
im still madly in love with my cat. and cary grant. which is how i spend most of my free time. my cell phone gets less use than ever these days. and i actually go DAYS on end with out even looking at myspace (my god, i know!). life.
im still around.
if ive been less attentive than usual, im not really sorry but i think i might be able to start up again. ill be in touch.