Almost four weeks of TMS
Tomorrow will be my 20th treatment, which makes four weeks of treatment (5 days a week). This is about when things are "supposed" to change. I'm nervous about it because I don't feel like things have changed yet.
Usually while I'm in the chair for about 75 minutes (depression and anxiety protocols) I read a little and meditate a little. For the first week after starting the anxiety protocol it was really uncomfortable to have my neck held in the same position for so long, but after that they did a recalibration and fixed my neck position so it's not so bad anymore.
Today I had finished my current book so I picked up the one they have in the lobby about one woman's experience with TMS. Of course it's a success story, after a harrowing time with depression. I skipped through it, reading about how it was when things went all wrong, and her experience of TMS itself. She had a period during treatment where she was actually feeling worse, which I think I did too (I would probably have benefited from journaling consistently, sigh) so that was a little encouraging. It seems it was literally after the 20th treatment that she woke up in the morning and felt different - not radically, but noticeably. And things improved from there. "A watched pot never boils" as she says. It's pretty damn hard not to watch the pot though.
This weekend I might have felt a little different. Sarah had the kids for Saturday and most of Sunday so I was left to myself. (Apparently they had a great weekend, BTW, and Sarah's mom visited and got her grandbaby fix.) I did some decluttering on Saturday, which is really emotionally wrenching for me, so I didn't feel great that day, but on the other hand I didn't feel the crushing despair I've tended to feel for the last couple months. I didn't think much about the hopelessness of my situation or all the things that could go wrong in my life. Sunday I went to church with my friend Kris's family, which was awkward since I don't have that faith anymore, but the sermon was about "community" - kind of directed at me. And some of the music was nice, though I'd never heard any of it. Then for the afternoon I connected on Facebook and read Kittles's LJ posts about circling and authenticity. Got the kids, took them to dinner, had Aria do some homework, put them to bed. I think I'm noticing I actually feel better when the kids are around. I think my frustration with them has been reduced (perhaps an actual benefit from meditation?) and now they're giving me something to do and feel good about rather than wallowing in despair.
So, maybe. Not sure yet, and that makes me pretty anxious.
Every few days they give me a little questionnaire about how I'm feeling. There are about 3 or 4 of them, directed at different things. I gather that I'm (still) pretty depressed, but the questionnaire on Friday was about anxiety, and according to that I don't look too anxious. However it didn't ask about sleep or other things I might have considered impacted by anxiety. So, I don't have panic attacks or phobias, that makes me not anxious? What else do you call it when there's a perpetual pit in your stomach and you wake up every night and lie awake worrying about what's going to happen? I don't feel like the right questions are being asked. On the other hand it could get tedious answering dozens of questions to be more thorough.
Honestly, my sleep has been a little better. It takes multiple doses of Ambien per night (one to get to sleep, another to get back to sleep around 1am, another around 4 or 5) but I'm probably getting 6-7 hours most nights. I hate that it takes drugs to do it, and I really miss being able to take a 15-minute cat nap during the day and be refreshed (can't sleep at all during the day).
I'm wondering if I'd be better off going back to work sooner (currently scheduled for late Feb, after 6 weeks of TMS). I feel like a loser for not working, STD only pays 60% of salary, and if I can manage to engage properly in work it might help with that sense of accomplishment I've been missing. Thinking about it.
It's been really slow but I'm getting fitter and stronger. I'm almost ready to bump up my benchpress weight again (now 205lb), and bump up my running speed on the treadmill (now 5.3 mph). That's something to be grateful for, plus my continued weight loss (down to 163/164 from 190).
Usually while I'm in the chair for about 75 minutes (depression and anxiety protocols) I read a little and meditate a little. For the first week after starting the anxiety protocol it was really uncomfortable to have my neck held in the same position for so long, but after that they did a recalibration and fixed my neck position so it's not so bad anymore.
Today I had finished my current book so I picked up the one they have in the lobby about one woman's experience with TMS. Of course it's a success story, after a harrowing time with depression. I skipped through it, reading about how it was when things went all wrong, and her experience of TMS itself. She had a period during treatment where she was actually feeling worse, which I think I did too (I would probably have benefited from journaling consistently, sigh) so that was a little encouraging. It seems it was literally after the 20th treatment that she woke up in the morning and felt different - not radically, but noticeably. And things improved from there. "A watched pot never boils" as she says. It's pretty damn hard not to watch the pot though.
This weekend I might have felt a little different. Sarah had the kids for Saturday and most of Sunday so I was left to myself. (Apparently they had a great weekend, BTW, and Sarah's mom visited and got her grandbaby fix.) I did some decluttering on Saturday, which is really emotionally wrenching for me, so I didn't feel great that day, but on the other hand I didn't feel the crushing despair I've tended to feel for the last couple months. I didn't think much about the hopelessness of my situation or all the things that could go wrong in my life. Sunday I went to church with my friend Kris's family, which was awkward since I don't have that faith anymore, but the sermon was about "community" - kind of directed at me. And some of the music was nice, though I'd never heard any of it. Then for the afternoon I connected on Facebook and read Kittles's LJ posts about circling and authenticity. Got the kids, took them to dinner, had Aria do some homework, put them to bed. I think I'm noticing I actually feel better when the kids are around. I think my frustration with them has been reduced (perhaps an actual benefit from meditation?) and now they're giving me something to do and feel good about rather than wallowing in despair.
So, maybe. Not sure yet, and that makes me pretty anxious.
Every few days they give me a little questionnaire about how I'm feeling. There are about 3 or 4 of them, directed at different things. I gather that I'm (still) pretty depressed, but the questionnaire on Friday was about anxiety, and according to that I don't look too anxious. However it didn't ask about sleep or other things I might have considered impacted by anxiety. So, I don't have panic attacks or phobias, that makes me not anxious? What else do you call it when there's a perpetual pit in your stomach and you wake up every night and lie awake worrying about what's going to happen? I don't feel like the right questions are being asked. On the other hand it could get tedious answering dozens of questions to be more thorough.
Honestly, my sleep has been a little better. It takes multiple doses of Ambien per night (one to get to sleep, another to get back to sleep around 1am, another around 4 or 5) but I'm probably getting 6-7 hours most nights. I hate that it takes drugs to do it, and I really miss being able to take a 15-minute cat nap during the day and be refreshed (can't sleep at all during the day).
I'm wondering if I'd be better off going back to work sooner (currently scheduled for late Feb, after 6 weeks of TMS). I feel like a loser for not working, STD only pays 60% of salary, and if I can manage to engage properly in work it might help with that sense of accomplishment I've been missing. Thinking about it.
It's been really slow but I'm getting fitter and stronger. I'm almost ready to bump up my benchpress weight again (now 205lb), and bump up my running speed on the treadmill (now 5.3 mph). That's something to be grateful for, plus my continued weight loss (down to 163/164 from 190).