One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 9 Part 6:
It snowed a lot in my hometown this year. I got to see my grandparents.
These are the only two good things that happened on the entire journey. I think I should make a post solely about the ridiculous customs China has...
"You should join my crew."
Brian: (David) So I can legally flog you for hurting me.
William: (David) Because you’re strong enough that you can act as an effective meat shield. I mean, that’s what crews are for, right?
Brian: Seriously, though, WHY are you asking this again? Why would she randomly agree after a fight? She has a LIFE! She lives in a quiet little town and has no association with pirates! You were a tremendous asshole to her! Just because you’ve officially tried to kill her now, doesn’t mean she’s going to be any more inclined to lay down her life for you! Actually, how many times did she try to kill you by now? Why would it be a good idea to have her on your crew?
William: I wonder if this Stuthor has some sort of masochism. All of the crew members so far have tried to kill David before he invited them into his crew, after which, they’re magically devoutly loyal to him.
Brian: Huh. He must be a Pokemon fan.
"After all this you want me to join your crew?" Kit asked as she sweatdropped.
SWEATDROP: 1
The Voice: No! That was a brilliant line! That was THE most sensible thing she’s said yet! Why did you have to go and ruin the beautiful, beautiful LOGIC with that stupid, stupid gag? It’s not fucking funny! It stopped being funny the first goddamned time you used it! What don’t you understand?
William: Well, of course, we must not have untarnished logic. It is a foul thing that must be eradicated at every cost, because logic dictates that David is a horrible person.
Brian: I guess it really says something about the story when you are this ecstatic to see any character questions the protagonist.
"Yeah."
Brian: …Asshole.
William: …That’s it?
Brian: What else can I call him?
William: …What can’t you call him at this point? What insult would not be justified against him?
Brian: Seriously, though, if I ever meet a guy like this, I don’t care about my vow. I’m going to kill him and do the world a favour. When a person cares so little about attempted murder and sexual harassment that it doesn’t even enter their mind as something people might object to, it’ll be better for everyone if they’re dead.
William: I concur, especially when said individual also has an ambition for world domination, as is the case here.
SOCIOPATHY: 18
"Why?"
Brian: Actually, I would have asked ‘how?’.
William: Especially considering he’s already answered this question. He first asked you to join because you are ‘strong’. We’ve never seen evidence of this, but when has this Stuthor ever shown instead of told?
"So we can find the One Piece."
Brian: Right. So you never considered what her dreams might be? You’re not even planning on helping her achieve her goal? This is all about how her participation would help YOU? Did you even consider that she might have a LIFE?
William: Did he display any of those concerns for any of his crew? Why would she be different?
Brian: It’s just…After all that, I can’t believe he’s shameless enough to ask her to help him achieve one of the most dangerous goals in the world. If she joins him, he knows she’ll be hunted by the marines, have to brave the dangers of Grand Line, have other pirates after her…and it’ll take a long time too. Basically, he’s asking a girl in her prime to spend the best years of her life dying for him…right after he sexually harassed her and then tried to kill her.
William: Yes. He’s done this before to Riru. Obviously, he’s very experienced.
The Voice: Wait. Wait ONE minute. The ONE PIECE? Since when was he interested in One Piece? All he’s been talking about until now has been ZORO AND HIS SWORD. He never even MENTIONED One Piece when Riru asked him about his dream. He totally just pulled that dream out of his ass! He’s never even considered it before! He doesn’t freaking want One Piece! He wants to go grave-robbing!
Why is he suddenly interested in One Piece? Luffy did so because he was basically brought up by a Pirate, and is driven by the need to prove himself to said pirate! What about him? Why the FUCK has he suddenly randomly gained an interest in dominating all pirates? …Wait, don’t answer that.
And why is the treasure still called One Piece? Luffy already got his hands on it. The mystery of what it is, is solved already. Wouldn’t people just call it by that name, then? And what the hell is One Piece anyways? Are you going to explain that, Stuthor? Why do I get a feeling that you’re the type to believe that One Piece is literally a mountain of treasure and gold?
Why does One Piece even freaking exist?
From all the hints in canon, it’s VERY heavily implied that One Piece is actually a complete record of what went on during the Blank Century: the truth, so to speak, that will bring down the government.
It has to be different in your verse, because if it’s the same, then no pirate would be after it. The revolutionaries will be much more interested. And if Luffy got his hands on it, then he definitely would have done something about it. Publicised it and challenged the world government, basically.
Even if it is literally just a mountain of treasure…Luffy still would have done his best to bring down the Government. This fic is written in 2011, you can’t pretend you don’t know.
What you are saying is that society is EXACTLY THE FREAKING SAME after Luffy came and went. You’re not just saying he failed in his attempt. You’re saying the attempt was SO pathetic that society barely felt it. A few years after his death, EVERYTHING, absolutely EVERYTHING is back to the same. He didn’t even make a dent.
Stuthor, are you seriously a FAN of One Piece? WHAT THE FUCK. If this is the level you regard the freaking main character, why even bother watch the show? Why even bother writing a freaking fifty-chapter-long fanfic?
William: Length doesn’t mean effort, you know. This fic is typed up in…*Scans briefing notes* about a month. He DIDN’T make any effort at all. He just vomited all his sociopathic psychosis write onto the internet.
SOCIOPATHY: 19 (For not being concerned about her wants and dreams at all.)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 29
"The...One Piece?"
Brian: Yes, that’s what he said.
William: …Please do not tell me you have not heard of it. Please.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 15
"Yeah, you know. The treasure left behind by Gold Roger and Straw Hat Luffy."
The Voice: Right. He really does think that One Piece is literally just a mountain of gold. DUDE, were you even READING the manga? Did you really think Gold D Roger went to all that trouble just to create more pirates? He explicitly stated that the reason he encouraged so many people to become pirates by dangling the hope of immense wealth before them was to increase the chance of someone finding One Piece! Why would he go to all that trouble is One Piece was just his life’s savings? Why would he want people to find it? It makes no freaking sense! Just the fact that he outright said that wealth was a BAIT should have clued you in! READING COMPREHENSION! HAVE YOU HEARD OF IT?
And where the hell would Luffy get money from? The Straw Hat pirates aren’t all that rich because they didn’t rape, pillage, and burn wherever they went! They only took treasure ONCE in their travels, and that was because there was so much there already that nobody would miss it! They have no money, dammit!
William: The comparison between why David wants One Piece and why Luffy wants One Piece is very stark. Luffy wants it for the adventure. He wants it for the journey. He wants it so that he can share the joy of having it with his friends. Most importantly, he wants it to prove his worth. He wants to prove to the world that he is a great pirate, because his role model was a pirate. David is in it purely for the money. How very heroic.
The Voice: And why would Luffy even leave any of his money behind anyways? Gold D Roger did it in order to show more people the truth. The money was bait. He did it in a time where pirates were very rare. He specifically did it to raise the number of pirates, and thus the chance of someone finding One Piece.
Seriously, Stuthor, are you EVER going to explain what went down in your verse? What the HELL happened to Luffy after the canon events that he made absolutely no impact in society? What happened that made him determined to initiate another treasure hunt for the entire pirate society? What was his motive? What happened to the pirate population that he need to attempt to create a second Golden Age of Piracy?
Brian: And who the fuck is David to call the Pirate Kings by their names? There are only three occasions where people call the Pirate King by his name: they’re introducing him to someone who’s never heard of him before, they’re his old friends, or they belong to the marines. Even some marines address him as Pirate King! Who the HELL are you to casually call him by his name?
And haven’t you noticed that EVERYONE who called Luffy ‘Straw Hat Luffy’ was hostile to him? That was the name his bounty poster had! That was the name his ENEMIES called him! Fuck reading comprehension, can you even just plainly READ? CAN YOU UNDERSTAND FUCKING WORDS?
SOCIOPATHY: 20 (For having a dream specifically all about getting more money…and having the balls to outright MURDER the Shark King for doing the same thing.)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 31 (One for thinking the Pirate King was shallow enough to have money as his greatest treasure, and one for thinking that Luffy is filthy rich.)
"Really?"
William: No, he’s just kidding. WHAT THE FUCK DO YOU THINK?
Brian: Actually, this story would be a lot more tolerable if he was actually kidding.
The Voice: This story would be a lot more tolerable if she was actually questioning him, because, you know, someone needs to start doing that.
"Yeah, I'm going to find it."
William: Yes, I see you have completely forgotten your alleged dream of becoming the greatest swordsmen and steal Zoro’s swords from his grave. How fascinating. I wonder how many chapters it will take for you to forget this dream as well. DREAMS ARE GODDAMNED CONSTANT. A character, having decided on their dream, will NEVER sway from that path, no matter what! This isn’t a goddamned dream! This is a temporary fascination!
Brian: Actually, I think he just pulled his from his ass to impress Kit. He probably never planned to go after One Piece, but is boasting about it to make himself seem more awesome…and also because he has a fetish for grave-robbing. Can’t you see his snotty, arrogant little face?
William: Really, I can see it just fine without you lampshading it.
"And become Pirate King?"
Brian: Uh…yeah. That’s what people who find One Piece tend to do, you know.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 32
"Yeah I guess."
Brian: You GUESS? Are you going to find One Piece or not? If you are, then you really don’t have a choice in this matter. Status as Pirate King kind of comes as a part of the deal, and really, if you can’t take care of any other pirate, then you are not going to find One Piece.
William: Look, did you think through this ‘dream’ at all? Did you EVER consider the implications of it and what you would need to pay? Luffy knew exactly what he was doing when he embarked on chasing that dream. He knew he would be on the run from law enforcement for the rest of his life. He knows he will probably die young and of an unnatural cause. He knows that people will fear and shun him. He knows that he will eventually have to fight against his mentor and father figure. He knew all the risks and was unfazed by them. What do you know about your dream? You don’t even freaking know that becoming Pirate King is pretty much inevitable if you want possession of One Piece! You don’t even fucking know that you have to treat your crew well to survive the seas!
Brian: And what the fuck is up with your attitude? Look at Luffy when he declares his dream! He’s firm, strong, confident…he knows EXACTLY what he’s doing and he’s not going to let ANYTHING stop him. You talk of your dream like most people talk about what they plan to do tomorrow morning. One Piece, the show, is all about determination! It’s all about passion and confidence! And you cared so little about your ‘dream’ that you didn’t even mention it when your crew asked!
William: Or did you think they were unfit to know your purpose?
Brian: Maybe he knew that his crew are only working for him because he’ll kill them otherwise. He’s downplaying the…danger of his dream, reducing it from dominating the entire pirating world to robbing a grave, to keep them from mutinying anyway.
SOCIOPATHY: 21 (For desecrating a key part of One Piece canon: the importance of always chasing your dream.)
"You guess?" Kit yelled.
Brian: You know what, I’m really starting to like this girl. She’s stupid as fuck in combat, but she’s making the most amount of sense in the main cast.
William: Well, it’s a pity that she will be eventually assimilated, then. You’re not hoping that the Stuthor will keep up this stunning train of logic, are you?
"Yeah, I mean I just want to find Pirate Hunter Zoro's swords and learn how to use three blades just like him. Pirate King can come after I guess."
Brian: …I have never seen someone so completely miss the point of a show.
William: And I have never seen anyone display their ignorance so completely with only two sentences.
The Voice: What does this even mean? He has two dreams? That are completely unrelated to each other?
William: No. It means he has no dream, and has no concept of what a dream is. The first goal is pure idol worship, to the point of grave-robbing. The second is a bluff pulled from his ass to impress a random girl on the street. These two dreams have nothing in common from what dreams are defined as in One Piece. I believe you’ve already ranted about that. He doesn’t even care about them. He’s not even sure he even wants to achieve them. He’s just going to try and do them if he feels like it that day.
Brian: The arrogance displayed is stunning too. What, become Pirate King, oh, he’ll do that after robbing the grave of the object of his obsession. Wait, it’s requires effort and dedication? Well, no point then, he’ll just go home and have a nap.
William: I find the fact that he has the same dreams as goddamned LUFFY exceedingly insulting, especially after witnessing Luffy’s epic struggle. This is hands down the worst blasphemy I have ever witnessed. Most fics may be bad, but this one almost seems to deliberately dismantle everything we loved about canon, perverting and warping it into something so repulsive that, frankly, I’d be vomiting if I had anything in my stomach.
SOCIOPATHY: 23 (I know I promised to only give one count a time…but this is a very personal issue for me. One Piece was the Manga that urged me to establish a goal, a purpose in my life, and move towards achieving that purpose. At times, it was the only thing that kept me waking up each morning and putting my best effort into endless, monotonous tasks. It influenced my life like no other. Seeing my FAVOURITE part of the series desecrated so is…exceedingly painful.)
"You're serious?" Kit sweatdropped.
SWEATDROP: 2
Brian: These comical gags always seem to follow perfectly sensible comments. It’s like whenever the fic shows any possibility of getting better, the Stuthor immediately injects awkward, painful humour to remind us to not get our hopes up.
William: Well, considering the level of importance he seems to attach to dreams, I wouldn’t be surprised if he really thought a passionate declaration of your life goal was the perfect opportunity for a throw-away gag.
"Yeah, so what do you say?"
The Voice: You really don’t want to know what I say.
Brian: Buddy, we’ve been ranting for HOURS. I think you know more than clearly what we say to this bullshit.
"Hmmm...the One Piece." Kit looked at David who just smiled at her,
The Voice: Yes, that’s what he fucking said. You really don’t need to repeat it three fucking times! We fucking know! We saw it just a couple of lines ago! It’s really fucking hard to forget something this stupid!
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 16
Brian: Dude…this guy is creepy.
William: You know he’s ‘subtly’ reminding Kit that he’ll rip her intestines out if she refuses.
"Alright I'll do it."
William: …And it works too.
Brian: Of course it works. The Author Avatar will never be rejected by any female, because the Stuthor gets enough of that in real life as it is.
The Voice: The way it’s phrase makes it sound like she’s scared shitless too. Hurriedly concurring with David’s idea because she knows he can kill her if he wants to, and she knows that no one will help her because the Stu rules the universe she lives in.
…You know, this fic would be a fantastic read if David was a villain protagonist. When he’s not being so stupid that my brain is trying to bash its way out of my skull, he is one of the most ruthless, despicable, and unscrupulous villains I have ever seen. Spandam had nothing on this guy.
William: Then again, most Stus tend to make brilliant villains, because they are almost always sociopathic to a sickening degree. It’s kind of an integral part of them. Anyone who is pampered from birth by the God of their universe is bound to grow up like that.
"Awesome!" David and Kit shook hands.
Brian: No. It’s not awesome. That is the exactly opposite of awesome.
William: You’re looking for ‘revolting’.
The Voice: …It also occurred to me that…it at most takes him exactly one chapter to acquire a new crew member. One Piece spends entire arcs about POTENTIAL crew members, much less the true Nakama of Luffy. Robin, in particular, starred in almost two arcs. It took this Stuthor…what…a little over 500 words to acquire someone who is supposed to be his True Companion. 500 freaking words. No two characters can get to know each other within 500 words. No two characters can have any sort of meaningful relationship with each other.
In this case, Kit isn’t joining David because she believed in his ideology, because he never explained it. She isn’t joining him because he is a good person, because all he has done so far is sexually harass her and attempt to kill her. She isn’t joining him out of a sense of loyalty, because he helped her before, because he never did. She isn’t joining him because she likes him, because she was trying to kill him a few moments ago.
And David doesn’t want Kit in his crew because she is capable. He says that she’s strong, but we all know how stupidly she fights. He doesn’t want her because he likes her, since he was running away from her before moving on to trying to kill her. He doesn’t want her because he believed in her ideology, because she never explained it. He doesn’t want her because she will be a capable sailor, because he doesn’t even know if she’s ever been at sea before.
He wants her because the Stuthor can’t offend his reviewers. She joined him because he threatened to kill her otherwise.
And this whole exchange happened in 500 words.
They don’t even know each other’s age, and Kit has been forced to lay her life down for a person she met less than half an hour ago.
They have interacted with each other for 500 words, all of which is taken up by petty insults, sexual harassment, and attempted murder.
They are supposed to be True Companions.
Do you guys see why I fucking hate this fic?
SOCIOPATHY: 24
Kit then pulled out a pirate hate that had a comical Jolly Roger on it.
The Voice: Seeing what a certain pirate has done to her…I find that typo exceedingly appropriate.
William: WHAT THE FUCK. Why does she have that on her? Does she carry around a goddamned pirate hat all the time in case a pirate decides to beat her up and enslave her? And where the fuck is she carrying a pirate hat? She’s wearing shorts and a single vest!
Brian: And what do you mean by ‘comical Jolly Roger’? What does it look like? It’s your job as a writer to describe things to us so we can see it! What, are we supposed to just imagine our own pirate flag? And don’t TELL us it’s comical! Actually describe it so that we find it funny! You’re a goddamned author! It’s your bloody job as a writer to do that!
William: And why does she have a bloody FLAG on her hat? Didn’t you think her clothes were ridiculous enough?
The Voice: And I’m not sure about this, but isn’t it only called a Jolly Roger if it’s flown at sea? From an actual ship? I’m pretty sure it would just be called a ‘flag’ if it was attached to a hat.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 33
Go Forward to: Chapter 9, Part 7
Go Back to: Chapter 9, Part 6