One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 8 Part 4:
I intended for this to be the last part, but the last section of this fic is also the longest and, unsurprisingly, the most stupid. I really don't have anything to say except...well, we have all seen this before. Another long, drawn out, idiotic action scene that serves no purpose other than irritating me.
Disclaimers and Warnings from Part 1 still apply:
Enjoy:
"I don't think I got this..." David sighed as he struggled to stand.
The Girl: NO! THAT IS NOT HOW INJURIES WORK! THEY FUCKING HURT! HE SHOULDN’T BE BLASELY COMMENTING ON HIS SITUATION IF HE WAS INDEED TOO INJURED TO STAND! INJURIES HAVE CONSEQUENCES! THEY ARE MEANT TO HINDER SOMEONE! THEY’RE MEANT TO BE LIFE-THREATENING OR MAIMING! WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING YOUR CHARACTERS BE INJURED, IF THOSE INJURIES WON’T CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING TO THE STORY AT ALL? WHY?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 10
The Girl: *Buries face in hands and cries* This hurts me. This hurts so much…
Robin: *Cuddles* It’s alright. We’re in the last section, aren’t we? Just a thousand words to go…
The Girl: *Distressed crying*
"Hahahahahahaha!" Tiburon cacled evily
Robin: …Oh, really? He was evil? I never would have been able to tell!
The Girl: *Muffled* Dastardly Whiplash was supposed to be a PARODY, you idiot! He isn’t meant to be emulated! That is not threatening! At all!
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 26
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 18
as David layed on the ground helpless,
Robin: It’s ‘laid’. It’s a simple four letter word that most people learn when they are four years old. And where else is he going to lay, exactly, if not on the ground? And thank you for telling me he was helpless. I would have thought he’d be able to magically defeat the Shark King by just lying around if you didn’t tell me! Really, how could we possibly make our way through this fic if you weren’t here to hold our hands?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 20
The Girl: Wanna bet how long it is before the Stuthor chucks the ‘helpless’ part out the window?
"You're mine punk!"
The Girl: Please. You’re a pirate lord ruling over a quarter of the world! Even school yard bully’s won’t stoop to saying something that lame! What decade do you live in, Stuthor?
"Me...being beaten by you? Hmph, yeah right. Today is the day the East Blue is free from you!" David yelled.
The Girl: One sentence. That was how long it took the author to completely disregard the ‘helpless’ part. ONE FUCKING SENTENCE.
Robin: *Patiently* He was lying on the ground. You just said he was helpless. He just admitted that he DOES NOT have this situation under control. And when the Shark King mocks him, he immediately declares that of course he will win the battle! He will win it so much that there wouldn’t even be a doubt as to who won! There is not a chance in hell that the Shark King could possibly win! This is so arrogant, I really don’t know what to say. If you don’t understand why this is making me vomit in my mouth, seek help. Please.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 11
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 25
Tiburon brought down one large tentacle, and David side stepped then ran up his tentacle with both blades then jumped and slashed his eye.
The Girl: …Wow. How the hell do you even begin to address the stupidity that is…THAT?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 12
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 22 (Two counts for jumping into the air, one count for running up a tentacle, and one count for going for the eyes)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 26 (I’m feeling slightly better, so I’m only giving him one count for this entire scene.)
The Girl: You almost got yourself a Sociopathy count there too. Count yourself lucky. I’m much calmer this time around.
Robin: You sporked this chapter before?
The Girl: Oh yeah. And the goddamned internet ate the first one, so I had to retcon everything and do it again. *Seethes*
Robin: *Blinks* I don’t pretend to understand, but how about some cake? You look like you need it.
"Guah!" Tiburon yelled, "That hurt!" Tiburon yeleld
Robin: …And I need more alcohol. *Sighs* I don’t think beer is going to be enough. *Summons up crate of rum*
The Girl: *Sullenly eats cake* I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that. That did not happen. THERE IS NO WAY SOMEONE WHO HAS GONE TO SCHOOL AND HAD ENGLISH CLASSES BEFORE WROTE THAT. FULL STOP.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 28
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 23
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 13 (I’m sorely tempted to bring in either Fai or Roy Mustang to teach the little bastard what being blinded feels like.)
as he grabbed David and tossed him.
Robin: Instead of strangling him. Look, even if he only just ate the fruit two seconds before David showed up, he would know how to utilise tentacles better than this.
The Girl: God, it pisses me off so much just thinking how many times he could have been killed, but didn’t. We’re always THIS close. It feels like the goddamned Stuthor is TAUNTING me.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 34
Robin: Flinging your enemies away is literally the worst thing you can do under the circumstances. The Shark King is stuck in a stationary spot, he cannot leave the pool. And he’s flinging David out of his range of attack. This means that David can now take his sweet time getting back up and getting ready, because the Shark King can’t reach him now. Forget killing him, the Shark King isn’t even trying to win at this point.
"Guah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 30
Robin: *Twitches* *Summons huge fireball at the screen*
The Girl: Give up. I made the screen impervious to all attacks when I set up this chamber. When you have Mantra as a sporker, you’ll want to take every precaution you can.
Robin: Just watching it being attacked is therapeutic. I don’t really care if it actually has an effect or not. Though it would be satisfying to watch this fic BURN.
David layed on the floor
The Girl: Instead of lying on the roof.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 24
The Girl: And it’s LAID! You’ve had this problem before! I was willing to forgive it as a typo the first time, but again? Do you seriously not know how these verbs work?
with blood all over him.
Robin: …How? The Shark King never had the chance to get to his sword, and he certainly never used it on David, god knows why. So how did he get all that blood? He is fighting against a giant octopus! All he should have is some minor scratches from flying into walls, and heavy, heavy bruising! Why do you insist on using blood to show injuries? Is it because they’re more noticeable? Because you can only notice the superficial? Or do you think they’re more dramatic?
The Girl: No. It’s because legions of sporkers teleported into their dimension and savagely impaled him for committing brutal assault upon the laws of reality, canon, and logic.
He dropped his swords and looked at Tiburon.
The Girl: HE DROPPED HIS SWORDS! HE FUCKING DROPPED HIS WEAPONS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT TO THE DEATH! HE FUCKING DROPPED HIS FUCKING SWORDS WHILST FIGHTING A GIGANTIC MONSTER! HE JUST STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUPPOSEDLY ‘CLIMATIC’ ACTION SCENE TO FUCKING BANTER WITH HIS OPPONENT! GUYS! THIS IS MEANT TO BE THE CLIMAX! THIS IS MEANT TO BE THE CULMINATION OF THE FIRST ARC! THE VILLAIN’S TURNED INTO A HUGE MONSTER! THEY’RE FIGHTING! AND HE FUCKING STOPS AND JUST STARES AT HIM! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Robin: *A large pile of pillows fall from the ceiling and smothers the girl*
The Girl: …Where the hell did that come from?
Robin: Eh, just getting creative. This thing is far too boring. I’ve been brainstorming ways to calm you down meanwhile.
The Girl: *Digs her way out of mountain of pillows* Right, carry on then.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 35
"Give up?"
"Of course not..." David panted.
The Girl: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? GIVE UP? YOU SERIOUSLY THOUGHT HE WAS GIVING UP? HE HAS EVERY ADVANTAGE ON THE BOOK! YOU’RE CONFINED TO A SMALL AREA! HE IS OUTSIDE YOUR RANGE OF ATTACK, AND CAN TAKE HIS SWEET TIME FORMULATING A STRATEGY! IF NEED BE, HE CAN TRAP YOU IN THE POOL AND JUST STARVE YOU OUT! HE’S BLINDED YOU! AND HE’S PROVEN FAR TOO FAST FOR YOU TO EVEN REACT TO HIS ATTACKS! HE’S FUCKING BLINDED YOU! AND HE’S BEATEN YOU TO A PULP AND STABBED YOU SIX TIMES ALREADY! WHY THE HELL WOULD HE GIVE UP NOW? YOUR LIFE IS IN HIS HANDS! THIS IS…*Whimpers* Just how stupid are you?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 27
Robin: I still don’t understand. So, why did he drop his swords then? Did he have no use for them anymore? He only used them about twice in this entire fight. Why pack them if you’re not going to use them? Those things are very heavy, and you seem to be handling yourself fine with just fists. What is the purpose?
The Girl: Well, one of the main characters has to use swords, or the Stuthor won’t be able to rip off canon to his heart’s content! *Gags*
"Then die!"
The Girl: *Patiently* Look, I know it’s not fair and the Stus are over-powered as hell…but that still doesn’t change the situation! You are at a disadvantage! You’re the one being hounded! You’re the one who’s losing! If anyone’s going to die, it will be YOU!
Robin: Really, were you planning to spare him if he gave up? After being stabbed six time, have your entire crew murder, your authority challenge, your home invaded, beaten to a bloody pulp, and blinded…you’re just going to let him go if he gives up? You’re only killing him because he refused to? Why are you even a pirate? How does this make the least amount of sense?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 28
Tiburon began to form a large sphere of water in his large multi-toothed mouth,
The Girl: …WHAT?
Robin: Where did he get the power to manipulate water? Krakens do not have that power. Zoan fruits give him the attributes of animals. They make him faster, or stronger, or acquire sharper senses, or they give him fangs and claws. In this case, they give him strong tentacles and imperviousness to water. But nowhere does it say that he has the power to manipulate water itself, much less create it out of nowhere. And fishmen definitely don’t have this ability either. So where does it come from? Why did you even see the need to give him this power? We know he’s going to be defeated. We know he’s not a threat. Giving him random powers is not going to convince us otherwise. All it does it drag this scene out and- Wait. I think I just answered my own question.
The Girl: THE MOUTH OF AN OCTOPUS IS UNDERNEATH IT! HIS MOUTH IS SUBMERGED IN WATER! HOW THE HELL CAN HE FORM WATER IF WATER IS ALREADY THERE? WHY HIS MOUTH? WHY A SPHERE? DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE? And octopi don’t even have large mouths…
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 29
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 23
Robin: And, you know, it would be much more convenient for you to kill him if you didn’t just fling him out of your range. Really, you should have just kept a grip on him whilst you talked. So you can immediately strangle him afterwards and END THE GODDAMNED FIGHT!
The Girl: *Jumps* Are you alright?
Robin: *Rubs face* Yes. I’m fine. It’s just that this fic is getting to me.
"Kraken Bomber!" Tiburon blasted David
The Girl: HE HAS A BALL OF WATER IN HIS FUCKING MOUTH! HOW THE FUCK DID HE MANAGE TO SPEAK? AND WHAT IS HE TRYING TO ACHIEVE HERE? HOW FAR IS HE GOING TO BE ABLE TO LAUNCH THE BALL? A PERFECT SPHERE ISN’T EXACTLY AERODYNAMIC! AND IF IT DOES REACH DAVID…WHAT IS IT GOING TO DO? He is attacking David with a water ball. He’s splashing David with water. A FEARSOME PIRATE LORD OF THE SEAS IS SPLASHING HIS OPPONENT WITH WATER AFTER MAKING A DEATH THREAT! This is the sort of thing you see in PARODY! And the goddamned sphere is made out of WATER! A LIQUID! YOU CAN’T THROW IT LIKE THAT! IT’LL FALL APART! Yeah, water has surface tension…that doesn’t mean it’ll maintain its shape after a flight like that! What is this, I don’t even!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 32 (One count for each complaint)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 36
and he just stood there.
The Girl: …wow. I…have no words. Just…read that. If you don’t get why that is stupid, please remove yourself from the gene pool. Immediately.
Robin: That…is not courage. Standing there whilst an attack is coming your way is not courage. No matter how harmless the attack may look, not even bothering to dodge is not bravery. It is stupidity. Of course, I didn’t expect you to get the difference…
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 33
"Shotgun Palm!" David cocked his hand back and curled his fingers.
The Girl: You know…I think I’m understanding what this attack is. It’s when Luffy does that thing where he stretches his arms back several miles and snaps them back to hit an opponent? Yeah, the Stuthor’s trying to get the Stu to do the same thing.
Robin: *Blinks* But that makes no sense! The attack works for Luffy because he is literally made out of rubber. His arms can snap back at supersonic speeds! It would be a terribly inefficient attack if you did not have his powers, seeing as you cannot bring your arms back at a fast enough speed to do enough damage. And in order to perform the attack, you have to leave yourself completely open to your enemy!
The Girl: And what, exactly, were you expecting? This Stuthor’s about as original as a photo-copy machine. He’ll stuff canon into his fics with a sledgehammer, whether it makes sense or not.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 34
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 24 (If you have time to do all that, why not just step aside?)
"You really think you can take that on? You're stupid!"
The Girl: YOU’RE CHUCKING A BALL OF WATER AT HIM! WATER! LIQUID! IT’S NOT EVEN GOING TO HAVE THAT MUCH SURFACE TENSION LEFT BY THE TIME IT GETS THERE, BECAUSE IT’LL BE FALLING APART IN MID-AIR! THE WORST IT’LL DO IS MAKE HIM WET! WHAT DID YOU THINK WATER IS? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN WATER IN YOUR LIFE, STUTHOR? IT IS NOT A SOLID! AAAAAAAAARGH! *Tears own hair out*
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 35
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 14 (Wasn’t exactly sure where to put this, but I’m sure the Shark King only said that line so we can be SHOCKED AND AWED when the Stu takes it on without flinching. *Retches*)
Robin: *Heals her with Keyboard and grows her hair back* Is it just me, or is this the longest section yet? You’re right. The Stuthor does seem to be actively taunting us. Shark King, if you want an example of the Stu being stupid, there are far better ones out there. Just look at our Too Dumb To Live tally. Half of those are there because of this Stu.
"Ya!" David yelled
The Girl: *Weakly* Why? Why did we need to hear about that? It doesn’t contribute to the action, characterisation, plot, or setting. There is absolutely no reason for him to say that whatsoever. You’re just trying to make this worse, aren’t you?
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 31
Robin: Here, have more cake. I’ll take care of the next few bits of sporking, if that’ll make you happier.
as he palm slammed the sphere of water and began to hold it back.
Robin: *Speechless*
The Girl: *Chuckles bitterly into her cake*
Robin: Palm-slammed? Really? That is your word choice? And you don’t even bother to put a hyphen there, which, might I add, is the least of this its problems? And no. You cannot do that. Water is a liquid. It might have some surface tension, but if you just hold your hands in front of you, and try to stop it from splashing onto you, all you’ll do is put your hands right THROUGH the ball. And it would not retain its shape. It is staying in the shape of a sphere by inertia. If you were really holding it back through…black magic, I guess, then it would collapse and become a wet puddle on the ground. It cannot magically hold its shape. Do you not understand how a liquid works? I refuse to believe that you have no seen liquids in action in your life. This isn’t just research fail, this is obliviousness to reality to the extent that you might as well be alien. And you cannot ‘begin’ to hold something back. You either stop its advance or not. There is not long process involved here, it’s a split-second action, and the consequences are immediately obvious.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 36
THESAURUS RAPE: 8
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 25 (Seriously, why can’t you just dodge? You’re in a gigantic hall! There’s plenty of places to run to!)
He was being pushed back violently as he was on the edge of the steps.
Robin: Water is a liquid! A liquid! You can’t hold it back in front of you like it’s a giant ball of iron! And are you implying that the water is only *through gritted teeth* pushing him back BECAUSE he’s on the edge of the steps? If he were anywhere else, he wouldn’t be pushed back? And again, why not just step aside? Just one step to the left or right, and all your problems are solved! It’s not that hard to figure out!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 37
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 26
"Die kid! Why won't you die?"
The Girl: *Looks up from her cake and screams* BECAUSE YOU WON’T FUCKING KILL HIM! WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING, THAT THE STU WOULD BE ALLERGIC TO WATER? YOU CHUCKED A BALL OF HARMLESS WATER AT HIM! DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK IT’S GOING TO KILL HIM?
Robin: And I fail to see how screaming about it would help matters. Every Shichibukai has been through countless setbacks on their way to the top. They do not react to obstacles with child-like tantrums. In fact, I’m not sure any self-respecting pirate would throw a hissy fit right in front of their enemies. The only thing this does is undermine your own authority and make you look like an idiot.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 37
"No...I'm going to take you out!
Robin: Which is why you threw aside your weapons, right? Which is why you never attack in fatal places? Which is why you stand around and let him batter you despite having plenty of time and chances to dodge? I’ve seen telling instead of showing, but this…
The Girl: And…he just declared that he wanted to murder the Shark King. It’s not as egregious as the other times it happened, but just out of general principle…
SOCIOPATHY: 27
Busoshoku Haki!" David yelled
Robin: Wait, Haki? He has Haki? How? Okay, even accepting that he just happened to have an ultra-rare gift that only the Four Emperors have…why does he know how to use it? There aren’t that many Haki tutors period, and as far as I know, none of them reside in the East Blue. He has barely ventured beyond his hometown, so where on earth did he manage to find a tutor?
The Girl: That’s another gimmick of the Stu. If there is a canon power, he must have it, no matter how illogical. Really, they live for attention and praise, and they are willing to screw over any laws of reality in order to get it.
Robin: And that would almost make a halfway decent villain. *Shakes head* At this point, the Shark King still has a smaller on-screen body count than the heroes.
throwing moving the ball slightly so he could move to dodge.
Robin: LIQUID! THE BALL IS LIQUID! You cannot throw a ball of water, because that implies it has come to a stop! A floating sphere of water cannot exist because it cannot hold its shape! BECAUSE WATER IS A LIQUID! All you need to dodge is stepping aside! You don’t have to throw the ball of water and thus violate another law of reality!
The Girl: *Tentatively pokes Robin* Are you alright? Maybe I should take the Keyboard back…you look like you need some calming down.
Robin: No, I’m alright. This is just very irritating. Also, did he throw or move the ball? They can be used to describe the same motion, but they definitely cannot be placed right next to each other in a sentence. Just because you don’t know which action may be ‘cooler’, doesn’t mean you can use them both.
THESAURUS RAPE: 9 (Yes, I’m using this count for general English mistakes too. Deal with it.)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 38
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 27
David then jumped in the air
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 29
and around his hand he had a sphere of energy. He punched Tiburon right in his nose.
The Girl: *Calmly places cake down. Suddenly flings herself on the table with a wail and starts banging her head on it* WHY? JUST WHY?
Robin: *Pats the girl on the shoulders consolingly* He was on the other side of the room. The ball of water *strained* pushed him there, remember? He was on top of the stairs, right by the entrance. The Shark King is in the pool around his throne. How on earth did he close that distance with a single jump? This…I have no idea what show you are watching, but you do not spam Haki like that. This is seriously not how it works. There is so much wrong with this, I cannot even begin to describe it. And octopi do not have noses. Krakens do not have noses. Do you even remember that the Shark King has transformed? And why would he go for a punch on the nose? He just stated the need to ‘take him out’, so why chose such a harmless attack? Is giving him a nosebleed enough to stop him from ruling East Blue? See, we wouldn’t have this problem if you didn’t throw your only weapons away! Just how long is this section? I’m certain this is almost twice as long as the last section we sporked.
The Girl: Nah, we’re almost done. We’ve got…another page and a half of the fic to go. God save us…
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 31 (One for jumping across an entire hall, one for the goddamned ‘ball of energy’)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 38
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 39
"Ahhh!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 32
The Girl: Really…I can’t think of anything to say at this point except…I HATE THIS FIC. I HATE EVERYTHING THIS FIC STANDS FOR. IT WAS KIND OF AMUSINGLY STUPID AT THE START, BUT NOW IT’S JUST STUPID. BEYOND STUPID.
I HATE THIS FIC.
HATE.
HATE.
HATE.
Tiburon slid back a little in the water, but recovered quickly.
Robin: So…after you declare that you are going to kill him, you proceed to…barely damage him. Great job. I can see why you are the protagonist in this fic, you are just so efficient and intelligent.
The Girl: The Shark King is a huge Kraken. He is said to be absolutely HUGE. An entire hall couldn’t contain him. Seeing as he has to fit his tentacles into the pool somehow, his head should be around the middle. Therefore, the Stu has just flung himself into the centre of the pool where he shall hopefully DROWN.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 15
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 40
"Nice trick punk." Tiburon complimented,
Robin: He barely damaged you. He was boasting about how he’s going to utterly thrash you, and he barely hurt you. This is not the time for compliments! This is where you kill him and desecrate his corpse! And please stop calling him ‘punk’. It does not make you threatening, it does not make you badass. You sound like a three year old, emulating ‘bad boys’ because that is what you think is cool. You’re an embarrassment to yourself.
The Girl: Even the villain must praise the Stu. Even the villain must fucking kiss the Stu’s ass. I…I…*Cries*
"You so you like to use Haki."
Robin: Haki is an extremely rare ability. Everyone who had that ability became one of the greatest pirates of their period. The Shark King was a Shichibukai. He would know about this. He would not be so complacent about this. If he found a rookie pirates who had Haki and the inexplicable training to use it, he would freak out and immediately kill him right there, because that is serious competition. And this isn’t a matter of liking to use Haki. He has an advantage over you, so of course he is going to exploit it. He used it because it would work, not because of personal enjoyment.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 41
"I've had to use both forms of my Haki to fight you..."
The Girl: (David) Why won’t you just die? You’re making me look uncool! How dare you continue to survive? I mean, I’ve had to use BOTH my special moves on you! That’s not fair! Waaaaaaaaah! *Resumes normal voice* Seriously, though, how does that answer his question? Like, at all?
"Well too bad no Haki will save you from my next attack!
Robin: Well, it’s nice to see that the Stu is not completely cornering the market in the arrogance department.
The Girl: What…WHAT is that? Stuthor, DARSTARDLY WHIPLASH WAS A PARODY! HE WAS MEANT TO BE SILLY! HE ISN’T A BENCHMARK OF VILLAINY! I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO EXPLIN THIS!
Robin: And how nice of you to warn him that you’re going to attack him. And you had the decency to tell him that you will be using a different attack that his Haki will not have an effect on. How thoughtful.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 39
Kraken Barrage!" Tiburon yelled swinging his tentacles all over the place.
Robin: And how, exactly, is that going to help? You have a very clear target. Aim at that target. This attack may be good when you are outnumbered and surrounded, but it is almost useless in single combat. You are wasting energy lashing out at thin air, and due to distributing your attacks over such a big area, you’ve pretty much guaranteed that almost none of it will hit David even if he stood there, utterly still. Look, you are a giant octopus. It’s not that hard. Just reach out with your tentacle, curl it around his neck (and he won’t dodge because he’s under contractual obligation to get beaten up immediately after a ‘big and awesome’ attack), and STRANGLE him! By squeezing!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 40
"Ahh!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 33
The Girl: *Weakly* What is even the point anymore? God, I swear, this is the longest 500 words I have ever read…
David yelled as he wa being slapped around, while waves would come and push him down.
The Girl: …Does that make any sense? At all?
Robin: ‘Was being’ slapped around? What is the word ‘being’ doing in there? Have you sunken to such depths of padding that you are willing to shove in completely random words in your sentences? How is he being slapped around? The Shark King chose one of the most inaccurate attack you can use! It is also completely random! He’s not even aiming for anything! In such a vast space, how could you get hit every single time? And after being hit, would you not fly backwards far enough so that you are out of reach for him? The only way this could have worked is it you purposely ran into his attacks! And please, do not personify the waves. You are far too incompetent a writer to ever make that work. It does not make you look any more sophisticated. It just sounds stupid.
The Girl: At least he would have been slapped out of the water! Seriously, if he was waving his tentacles around, and you are in water, right beside him, there a pretty small chance that you’re going to be hit! And, you know, THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN’T GET THE BRIGHT IDEA OF JUMPING RIGHT UP TO HIM AND PUNCHING HIM IN THE NOSE! And where the hell did the waves come from? I thought they were in a pool! Not out at sea!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 44 (One count for each complaint)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 41 (I feel like every single paragraph has been getting at least one count of this…)
"Now Kraken Bomber!"
The Girl: Please, stop talking. It’s embarrassing. You just make yourself look more stupid every time you open your mouth.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 32
Robin: To be fair, his actions could hardly be described as intelligent.
"Huh...huh...huh..." David stood panting
The Girl: You…felt the need to write out every breathe he took. You felt the need to put in THREE completely unnecessary words so we know what your character sounds like when he’s breathing. *Head desk*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 36
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 25 (To be fair, I couldn’t tell that dialogue was meant to be panting at first, but I think it still counts, because the Stuthor certainly knew what it’s there for.)
Robin: Stood? You just said that David was in water a few sentences ago. In an abyss, in fact, so I doubt his legs could reach the bottom. And why would being slapped around a little make him out of breath? I could understand if he was forced under the water and is gasping for fresh air, but the way you describe it, it sounds as if he has just been jogging. We should have a counter for internal canon rape, you know.
The Girl: Eh, I’ll just heap it under Too Dumb To Live. I know that counter gets abused a lot, I’ve been shoving everything in there because…well, everything is stupid in this fic, but hey!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 45
as he saw the large sphere of water heading towards him,
Robin: Yes, how disastrous. A giant sphere of water! Imagine that! Your hair might get ruined!
The Girl: …Just where is the Shark King’s mouth? David is in the water with him! He’s right up against him! How the hell did he spew that ball of water so it heads straight for David? How?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 41
"I said...I won't die!" David yelled
Robin: Really, I don’t think that’s for you to decide.
The Girl: And STOP WITH THE YELLING! How many times have we seen that dialogue tag in this chapter? That is seriously all they do! They yell! VARIETY, dammit! LEARN HOW TO USE A THESAURUS! AND LEARN HOW TO NOT ABUSE ONE!
as he leaped over the sphere of water
Robin: He was drowning and being knocked around by giant tentacles. Even if we disregard the myriad of injuries he has sustained from previous battle, that alone means that he would be heavily disorientated and weak. He would not be able to jump over a sphere of water. And even if we were to accept that he somehow could, why would he choose to? It is a horribly inefficient way of avoiding an attack, and by going airborne, he’s presenting himself as a ripe target for the Shark King to knock around some more. And I believe that the Stuthor has entirely forgotten that the Stu is still in water at this point. As in, he should not be able to jump, period.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 33
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 16
then rushed at Tiburon one last time,
The Girl: *Tentatively* L-last? It’s almost over? YAY! *Jumps up in excitement*
Robin: *Sighs in relief* At this point, I do not even care who wins.
"Shotgun Fist!" David cocked his fist back
The Girl: *Growls* I swear I have seen that phrase a million times since the start of this fic. STOP REPEATING YOURSELF, DAMMIT!
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 26 (One just out of spite.)
The Girl: And I was just getting in the mood to celebrate too…
as he generated as much of his Haki around hi fist and dove down.
The Girl: Okay, here’s a challenge. How many English errors can you see in that sentence?
Robin: And let’s not even get into raping the laws of reality.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 35 (He never said that he jumped into the air, but he needs to do it in order to DIVE down, so I’m counting it.)
He punched Tiburon right on the top of his head forcing his whole body to curl in pain.
Robin: …After all of that, after nearly two thousand words…THIS is how he defeats him? Just punching him in the head? When stabbing him in the torso six times didn’t work? How does this work on any level, at all? And how far can he jump to punch the top of the Shark King’s head? He is in the middle of a pool of water! Why would he go for such a target anyways? Why not punch the front of the head, which is much more accessible? And that metaphor really does not work. People curl in pain when you punch their stomach. Punching them on the head…I have no idea what they would do, since I’ve never seen anyone stupid enough to try that in real life, but they most assuredly will not curl up in pain.
The Girl: AND HE’S IN A POOL OF WATER! Why didn’t he just DIVE DOWN? It’s so ridiculously easy to evade this attack, the only way this could have worked is if he were LETTING the Stu win! What the fuck? And this is a terribly way to handle tension! After all that build up, after all those ridiculous moves your Stu has pulled…he ends the fight with his most basic attack? Just because you pulled Haki out of your ass, doesn’t mean this is any more spectacular! This isn’t a climax! This is a goddamned premature ejaculation! *Tears own hair* The longest chapter in the freaking book…I sporked all of that for THIS? I…*Cries*
Robin: *Sighs tiredly* Please don’t tell me it gets even worse?
The Girl: …If that’s what you want.
Robin: …Unbelievable…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 42
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 36
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 46
"Guah!" Tiburon cried out in pain
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 38
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 27 (Really, he was crying out in pain? I felt for sure he would be crying out in apathy! It’s what I’m doing right now!)
as his arms tentacles flared up in the air,
The Girl: Flared up? It got set on fire? How the fuck did that happen?
Robin: The fic did say something about David’s fists being ‘coated in energy’ or something…
The Girl: Oh, come ON! Don’t tell me he magically has another power! Haki doesn’t work that way, dammit!
Robin: …wait. I think it’s just bad writing.
The Girl: That answer really isn’t any better.
THESAURUS RAPE: 10
his eyes rolled back,
The Girl: And forth and back and forth~ *Hums*
Robin: …Are you quite alright? It’s not bad enough to induce insanity, is it?
The Girl: After eight chapters? Yeah, it is.
Robin: …I may have to re-evaluate my decision to volunteer for further projects.
The Girl: You were thinking about coming back? Aww…You’re so nice. Normally, I have to abduct and threaten people into doing this.
he began to decrease
Robin: And now, our villain has become a numerical value. Really, this Stuthor should try his hand at surrealism. He might even be able to disguise his stupidity that way.
The Girl: Hey! Don’t say that! Surrealist writers are awesome!
THESAURUS RAPE: 11
changing back into his normal form.
The Girl: …I see this Stuthor has played far too many video games than healthy. Devil fruits DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! Their effects don’t magically wear off when you are unconscious! When you eat a devil fruit, it changes your body! Your animal forms are as natural to you as your human form! And it stays a part of you! You literally cannot get rid of the ability! That’s one of the drawbacks, dammit! Don’t you think people would have exploited this if people really did lose their powers when unconscious? Why do you think they invented Sea Stone handcuffs? All they would have to do is knock the goddamned criminals unconscious!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 47
David jumped away from Tiburon
The Girl: HOW? SERIOUSLY, HOW? HE WAS IN MID-AIR! RIGHT BELOW HIM IS WATER! HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET ENOUGH LEVERAGE TO JUMP? ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH VIDEO GAMES THAT YOU GAVE YOUR CHARACTER THE ABILITY TO DOUBLE JUMP?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 48
Robin: And maybe you wouldn’t have to resort to such ridiculous measures if you didn’t attempt such a stupid move in the first place. Do you even remember that you have swords?
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 37
landing hard on his back
Robin: He initiated the jump. He knew exactly where he wanted to jump to. And yet he still landed on his back? Is he a capable fighter or not? You cannot have him stumbling around like a drunk monkey, and have him twirl around in mid-air and gracefully tap the villain’s head in the same scene!
on a floating piece of the platform.
The Girl: …Floating?
Robin: What…WHEN HAVE WE EVER SEEN FLOATING PLATFORMS? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
The Girl: *Jumps*
Robin: *Holds head tiredly* I see that all the reality-warping has finally caught up to the Stuthor, and his sick, little fantasy dimension is falling apart.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 49
"I did it..." David sighed.
The Girl: Okay…so the Shark King flailed about a bit and then changed back to his basic form…how does that indicate that you have won? For all you know, he’s just shifted forms because that apparently heals all your injuries in this universe!
Robin: He’s defeated because the Stu has just pulled a supposedly ‘climatic and awesome’ move, therefore the villain must be instantly defeated, lest the Stu be humiliated.
The Girl: *Shakes head* Wow…just one chapter, and you’ve got this all figured out.
Robin: It’s not that complicated. You just have to put yourself in the shoes of the most arrogant, self-centred, sociopathic, lazy, idiotic, and bigoted child imaginable.
The Girl: …That sounds…painful.
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 5
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 3
Disclaimers and Warnings from Part 1 still apply:
Enjoy:
"I don't think I got this..." David sighed as he struggled to stand.
The Girl: NO! THAT IS NOT HOW INJURIES WORK! THEY FUCKING HURT! HE SHOULDN’T BE BLASELY COMMENTING ON HIS SITUATION IF HE WAS INDEED TOO INJURED TO STAND! INJURIES HAVE CONSEQUENCES! THEY ARE MEANT TO HINDER SOMEONE! THEY’RE MEANT TO BE LIFE-THREATENING OR MAIMING! WHAT IS THE POINT OF HAVING YOUR CHARACTERS BE INJURED, IF THOSE INJURIES WON’T CONTRIBUTE ANYTHING TO THE STORY AT ALL? WHY?
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 10
The Girl: *Buries face in hands and cries* This hurts me. This hurts so much…
Robin: *Cuddles* It’s alright. We’re in the last section, aren’t we? Just a thousand words to go…
The Girl: *Distressed crying*
"Hahahahahahaha!" Tiburon cacled evily
Robin: …Oh, really? He was evil? I never would have been able to tell!
The Girl: *Muffled* Dastardly Whiplash was supposed to be a PARODY, you idiot! He isn’t meant to be emulated! That is not threatening! At all!
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 26
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 18
as David layed on the ground helpless,
Robin: It’s ‘laid’. It’s a simple four letter word that most people learn when they are four years old. And where else is he going to lay, exactly, if not on the ground? And thank you for telling me he was helpless. I would have thought he’d be able to magically defeat the Shark King by just lying around if you didn’t tell me! Really, how could we possibly make our way through this fic if you weren’t here to hold our hands?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 20
The Girl: Wanna bet how long it is before the Stuthor chucks the ‘helpless’ part out the window?
"You're mine punk!"
The Girl: Please. You’re a pirate lord ruling over a quarter of the world! Even school yard bully’s won’t stoop to saying something that lame! What decade do you live in, Stuthor?
"Me...being beaten by you? Hmph, yeah right. Today is the day the East Blue is free from you!" David yelled.
The Girl: One sentence. That was how long it took the author to completely disregard the ‘helpless’ part. ONE FUCKING SENTENCE.
Robin: *Patiently* He was lying on the ground. You just said he was helpless. He just admitted that he DOES NOT have this situation under control. And when the Shark King mocks him, he immediately declares that of course he will win the battle! He will win it so much that there wouldn’t even be a doubt as to who won! There is not a chance in hell that the Shark King could possibly win! This is so arrogant, I really don’t know what to say. If you don’t understand why this is making me vomit in my mouth, seek help. Please.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 11
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 25
Tiburon brought down one large tentacle, and David side stepped then ran up his tentacle with both blades then jumped and slashed his eye.
The Girl: …Wow. How the hell do you even begin to address the stupidity that is…THAT?
- He still doesn’t understand how to use tentacles, does he? Despite having this fruit for quite some time? That is not how you use tentacles! Those things are designed to latch onto something and squeeze! You strangle people with them! Just because they look like giant whips, doesn’t mean you can use them that way! They are made out of flesh, you know! Slamming them against the ground would hurt like hell!
- He has how many tentacles? How is he only using one? Why isn’t he lashing out at David with all of them, so he’ll have a harder time dodging? Why the fuck does he keep handicapping himself to make sure the Stu can pwn him and show off how awesome he is?
- We know he’s huge, okay? You don’t have to keep repeating that! Use the time to describe more important things! Like what Avery and Riru are doing!
- HE WAS LYING ON THE GROUND HELPLESS! YOU SAID HE WAS HELPLESS! HE ADMITTED HIMSELF THAT HE DOESN’T GET THE HANG OF THE SITUATION! HE WAS HELPLESS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT WORD MEANS? IT MEANS HE’S FAR TOO WEAK TO SIDE STEP, MUCH LESS RUN UP A TENTACLE, JUMP IN THE AIR, AND THEN CUT SOMEONE’S EYES OUT!
- Tentacles are made out of muscle. They are made out of MUSCLE! They do not have any bones in them at all, which is why they can slither and whip around like that! They are completely soft! Just because they’re strong, doesn’t mean they are rigid! You are a teenager! You weigh the same as a teenager! As soon as you set a foot on that tentacle, it would have collapsed, because there is no way for it to support your weight, no matter how thick it was! It is completely SOFT!
- Tentacles are also ROUND! And they are slimy as well, since most aquatic creatures tend to DIE if they dry out! Even if they don’t naturally produce slime, they were submerged in water a few sentences ago! They are most assuredly WET! There is no way you can run up something ROUND and SLIPPERY, even if it could support your weight!
- How fucking big is the Kraken? How fucking wide is his tentacles? You’re making it sound like a four lane road!
- The tentacles are SOFT, and ROUND, and SLIPPERY! How the hell did you get enough leverage to jump into the air? How? There’s nothing for you to kick again! You cannot jump! Basic Newtonian physics! You can’t have a force without a counter force! Gah!
- IS HE A KRAKEN OR NOT? KRAKENS DO NOT HAVE EYES ON THE TOP OF THEIR HEAD! THEIR EYES ARE LOCATED AT THE BOTTOM OF THEIR HEADS! RIGHT WHERE IT JOINS THE TENTACLES! BY RUNNING UP THE TENTACLE, YOU’RE ALREADY PLACING THE EYES AT THE LEVEL OF YOUR KNEES! THEY’RE ALREADY FAR TOO LOW TO COMFORTABLY STAB! HOW IS JUMPING EVEN HIGHER GOING TO HELP? NOW THEY’RE UNDERNEATH YOUR FEET! THAT IS NOT A CONVENIENT PLACE TO ATTACK, ESPECIALLY WITH A SWORD!
- WHY ARE YOU GOING FOR THE EYES? HIS HEAD IS RIGHT THERE! STAB HIM IN THE FUCKING BRAIN! WHY ARE YOU GOING FOR A PLACE THAT WILL HURT AND HINDER HIM, AND YET WON’T END THE BATTLE? YOU JUST LIKE TO HEAR HIM SCREAM, DON’T YOU? YOU’RE JUST DOING THIS BECAUSE YOU WANT TO SEE HIM SUFFER! IF YOU HAD ANY INTENTION OF ENDING THE FIGHT, THEN THIS WOULD HAVE ENDED FOUR FUCKING THOUSAND WORDS AGO! YOU’RE JUST ‘SLASHING’ AT HIS EYES! YOU’RE NOT EVEN STABBING THEM! YOU’RE MAKING THE WOUNDS SUPERFICIAL ON PURPOSE!
- And Shark King? WHAT THE FUCK IS UP WITH YOU? HE’S RUNNING UP YOUR FUCKING TENTACLE! JUST RETRACT THE TENTACLE! OR CURL IT UPWARDS, GRAB HIM BY THE ANKLE, AND FLING HIM ACROSS THE ROOM AGAIN! OR JUST LET YOUR TENTACLE GO SOFT! OR USE YOUR OTHER TENTACLES TO STRANGLE THE LIGHT OUT OF HIM! THERE ARE A MILLION, MILLION WAYS YOU COULD HAVE AVOIDED THIS! WHY ARE YOU NOT DOING IT? DO YOU LIKE THE IDEA OF BEING BLINDED? DID YOU WANT TO BE KILLED? FOR ALL YOU DECLARATION ABOUT HAVING TO END THE FIGHT, YOU’RE NOT EVEN MAKING AN EFFORT TO DEFEND YOURSELF! HOW THE FUCK DID YOU BECOME A SHICHIBUKAI? YOU HAVE TENTACLES! USE THEM!
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 12
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 22 (Two counts for jumping into the air, one count for running up a tentacle, and one count for going for the eyes)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 26 (I’m feeling slightly better, so I’m only giving him one count for this entire scene.)
The Girl: You almost got yourself a Sociopathy count there too. Count yourself lucky. I’m much calmer this time around.
Robin: You sporked this chapter before?
The Girl: Oh yeah. And the goddamned internet ate the first one, so I had to retcon everything and do it again. *Seethes*
Robin: *Blinks* I don’t pretend to understand, but how about some cake? You look like you need it.
"Guah!" Tiburon yelled, "That hurt!" Tiburon yeleld
Robin: …And I need more alcohol. *Sighs* I don’t think beer is going to be enough. *Summons up crate of rum*
The Girl: *Sullenly eats cake* I’m going to pretend I didn’t read that. That did not happen. THERE IS NO WAY SOMEONE WHO HAS GONE TO SCHOOL AND HAD ENGLISH CLASSES BEFORE WROTE THAT. FULL STOP.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 28
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 23
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 13 (I’m sorely tempted to bring in either Fai or Roy Mustang to teach the little bastard what being blinded feels like.)
as he grabbed David and tossed him.
Robin: Instead of strangling him. Look, even if he only just ate the fruit two seconds before David showed up, he would know how to utilise tentacles better than this.
The Girl: God, it pisses me off so much just thinking how many times he could have been killed, but didn’t. We’re always THIS close. It feels like the goddamned Stuthor is TAUNTING me.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 34
Robin: Flinging your enemies away is literally the worst thing you can do under the circumstances. The Shark King is stuck in a stationary spot, he cannot leave the pool. And he’s flinging David out of his range of attack. This means that David can now take his sweet time getting back up and getting ready, because the Shark King can’t reach him now. Forget killing him, the Shark King isn’t even trying to win at this point.
"Guah!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 30
Robin: *Twitches* *Summons huge fireball at the screen*
The Girl: Give up. I made the screen impervious to all attacks when I set up this chamber. When you have Mantra as a sporker, you’ll want to take every precaution you can.
Robin: Just watching it being attacked is therapeutic. I don’t really care if it actually has an effect or not. Though it would be satisfying to watch this fic BURN.
David layed on the floor
The Girl: Instead of lying on the roof.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 24
The Girl: And it’s LAID! You’ve had this problem before! I was willing to forgive it as a typo the first time, but again? Do you seriously not know how these verbs work?
with blood all over him.
Robin: …How? The Shark King never had the chance to get to his sword, and he certainly never used it on David, god knows why. So how did he get all that blood? He is fighting against a giant octopus! All he should have is some minor scratches from flying into walls, and heavy, heavy bruising! Why do you insist on using blood to show injuries? Is it because they’re more noticeable? Because you can only notice the superficial? Or do you think they’re more dramatic?
The Girl: No. It’s because legions of sporkers teleported into their dimension and savagely impaled him for committing brutal assault upon the laws of reality, canon, and logic.
He dropped his swords and looked at Tiburon.
The Girl: HE DROPPED HIS SWORDS! HE FUCKING DROPPED HIS WEAPONS IN THE MIDDLE OF A FIGHT TO THE DEATH! HE FUCKING DROPPED HIS FUCKING SWORDS WHILST FIGHTING A GIGANTIC MONSTER! HE JUST STOPPED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SUPPOSEDLY ‘CLIMATIC’ ACTION SCENE TO FUCKING BANTER WITH HIS OPPONENT! GUYS! THIS IS MEANT TO BE THE CLIMAX! THIS IS MEANT TO BE THE CULMINATION OF THE FIRST ARC! THE VILLAIN’S TURNED INTO A HUGE MONSTER! THEY’RE FIGHTING! AND HE FUCKING STOPS AND JUST STARES AT HIM! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
Robin: *A large pile of pillows fall from the ceiling and smothers the girl*
The Girl: …Where the hell did that come from?
Robin: Eh, just getting creative. This thing is far too boring. I’ve been brainstorming ways to calm you down meanwhile.
The Girl: *Digs her way out of mountain of pillows* Right, carry on then.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 35
"Give up?"
"Of course not..." David panted.
The Girl: WHAT THE FUCKING HELL? GIVE UP? YOU SERIOUSLY THOUGHT HE WAS GIVING UP? HE HAS EVERY ADVANTAGE ON THE BOOK! YOU’RE CONFINED TO A SMALL AREA! HE IS OUTSIDE YOUR RANGE OF ATTACK, AND CAN TAKE HIS SWEET TIME FORMULATING A STRATEGY! IF NEED BE, HE CAN TRAP YOU IN THE POOL AND JUST STARVE YOU OUT! HE’S BLINDED YOU! AND HE’S PROVEN FAR TOO FAST FOR YOU TO EVEN REACT TO HIS ATTACKS! HE’S FUCKING BLINDED YOU! AND HE’S BEATEN YOU TO A PULP AND STABBED YOU SIX TIMES ALREADY! WHY THE HELL WOULD HE GIVE UP NOW? YOUR LIFE IS IN HIS HANDS! THIS IS…*Whimpers* Just how stupid are you?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 27
Robin: I still don’t understand. So, why did he drop his swords then? Did he have no use for them anymore? He only used them about twice in this entire fight. Why pack them if you’re not going to use them? Those things are very heavy, and you seem to be handling yourself fine with just fists. What is the purpose?
The Girl: Well, one of the main characters has to use swords, or the Stuthor won’t be able to rip off canon to his heart’s content! *Gags*
"Then die!"
The Girl: *Patiently* Look, I know it’s not fair and the Stus are over-powered as hell…but that still doesn’t change the situation! You are at a disadvantage! You’re the one being hounded! You’re the one who’s losing! If anyone’s going to die, it will be YOU!
Robin: Really, were you planning to spare him if he gave up? After being stabbed six time, have your entire crew murder, your authority challenge, your home invaded, beaten to a bloody pulp, and blinded…you’re just going to let him go if he gives up? You’re only killing him because he refused to? Why are you even a pirate? How does this make the least amount of sense?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 28
Tiburon began to form a large sphere of water in his large multi-toothed mouth,
The Girl: …WHAT?
Robin: Where did he get the power to manipulate water? Krakens do not have that power. Zoan fruits give him the attributes of animals. They make him faster, or stronger, or acquire sharper senses, or they give him fangs and claws. In this case, they give him strong tentacles and imperviousness to water. But nowhere does it say that he has the power to manipulate water itself, much less create it out of nowhere. And fishmen definitely don’t have this ability either. So where does it come from? Why did you even see the need to give him this power? We know he’s going to be defeated. We know he’s not a threat. Giving him random powers is not going to convince us otherwise. All it does it drag this scene out and- Wait. I think I just answered my own question.
The Girl: THE MOUTH OF AN OCTOPUS IS UNDERNEATH IT! HIS MOUTH IS SUBMERGED IN WATER! HOW THE HELL CAN HE FORM WATER IF WATER IS ALREADY THERE? WHY HIS MOUTH? WHY A SPHERE? DOES ANY OF THIS MAKE SENSE? And octopi don’t even have large mouths…
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 29
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 23
Robin: And, you know, it would be much more convenient for you to kill him if you didn’t just fling him out of your range. Really, you should have just kept a grip on him whilst you talked. So you can immediately strangle him afterwards and END THE GODDAMNED FIGHT!
The Girl: *Jumps* Are you alright?
Robin: *Rubs face* Yes. I’m fine. It’s just that this fic is getting to me.
"Kraken Bomber!" Tiburon blasted David
The Girl: HE HAS A BALL OF WATER IN HIS FUCKING MOUTH! HOW THE FUCK DID HE MANAGE TO SPEAK? AND WHAT IS HE TRYING TO ACHIEVE HERE? HOW FAR IS HE GOING TO BE ABLE TO LAUNCH THE BALL? A PERFECT SPHERE ISN’T EXACTLY AERODYNAMIC! AND IF IT DOES REACH DAVID…WHAT IS IT GOING TO DO? He is attacking David with a water ball. He’s splashing David with water. A FEARSOME PIRATE LORD OF THE SEAS IS SPLASHING HIS OPPONENT WITH WATER AFTER MAKING A DEATH THREAT! This is the sort of thing you see in PARODY! And the goddamned sphere is made out of WATER! A LIQUID! YOU CAN’T THROW IT LIKE THAT! IT’LL FALL APART! Yeah, water has surface tension…that doesn’t mean it’ll maintain its shape after a flight like that! What is this, I don’t even!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 32 (One count for each complaint)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 36
and he just stood there.
The Girl: …wow. I…have no words. Just…read that. If you don’t get why that is stupid, please remove yourself from the gene pool. Immediately.
Robin: That…is not courage. Standing there whilst an attack is coming your way is not courage. No matter how harmless the attack may look, not even bothering to dodge is not bravery. It is stupidity. Of course, I didn’t expect you to get the difference…
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 33
"Shotgun Palm!" David cocked his hand back and curled his fingers.
The Girl: You know…I think I’m understanding what this attack is. It’s when Luffy does that thing where he stretches his arms back several miles and snaps them back to hit an opponent? Yeah, the Stuthor’s trying to get the Stu to do the same thing.
Robin: *Blinks* But that makes no sense! The attack works for Luffy because he is literally made out of rubber. His arms can snap back at supersonic speeds! It would be a terribly inefficient attack if you did not have his powers, seeing as you cannot bring your arms back at a fast enough speed to do enough damage. And in order to perform the attack, you have to leave yourself completely open to your enemy!
The Girl: And what, exactly, were you expecting? This Stuthor’s about as original as a photo-copy machine. He’ll stuff canon into his fics with a sledgehammer, whether it makes sense or not.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 34
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 24 (If you have time to do all that, why not just step aside?)
"You really think you can take that on? You're stupid!"
The Girl: YOU’RE CHUCKING A BALL OF WATER AT HIM! WATER! LIQUID! IT’S NOT EVEN GOING TO HAVE THAT MUCH SURFACE TENSION LEFT BY THE TIME IT GETS THERE, BECAUSE IT’LL BE FALLING APART IN MID-AIR! THE WORST IT’LL DO IS MAKE HIM WET! WHAT DID YOU THINK WATER IS? HAVE YOU NEVER SEEN WATER IN YOUR LIFE, STUTHOR? IT IS NOT A SOLID! AAAAAAAAARGH! *Tears own hair out*
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 35
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 14 (Wasn’t exactly sure where to put this, but I’m sure the Shark King only said that line so we can be SHOCKED AND AWED when the Stu takes it on without flinching. *Retches*)
Robin: *Heals her with Keyboard and grows her hair back* Is it just me, or is this the longest section yet? You’re right. The Stuthor does seem to be actively taunting us. Shark King, if you want an example of the Stu being stupid, there are far better ones out there. Just look at our Too Dumb To Live tally. Half of those are there because of this Stu.
"Ya!" David yelled
The Girl: *Weakly* Why? Why did we need to hear about that? It doesn’t contribute to the action, characterisation, plot, or setting. There is absolutely no reason for him to say that whatsoever. You’re just trying to make this worse, aren’t you?
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 31
Robin: Here, have more cake. I’ll take care of the next few bits of sporking, if that’ll make you happier.
as he palm slammed the sphere of water and began to hold it back.
Robin: *Speechless*
The Girl: *Chuckles bitterly into her cake*
Robin: Palm-slammed? Really? That is your word choice? And you don’t even bother to put a hyphen there, which, might I add, is the least of this its problems? And no. You cannot do that. Water is a liquid. It might have some surface tension, but if you just hold your hands in front of you, and try to stop it from splashing onto you, all you’ll do is put your hands right THROUGH the ball. And it would not retain its shape. It is staying in the shape of a sphere by inertia. If you were really holding it back through…black magic, I guess, then it would collapse and become a wet puddle on the ground. It cannot magically hold its shape. Do you not understand how a liquid works? I refuse to believe that you have no seen liquids in action in your life. This isn’t just research fail, this is obliviousness to reality to the extent that you might as well be alien. And you cannot ‘begin’ to hold something back. You either stop its advance or not. There is not long process involved here, it’s a split-second action, and the consequences are immediately obvious.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 36
THESAURUS RAPE: 8
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 25 (Seriously, why can’t you just dodge? You’re in a gigantic hall! There’s plenty of places to run to!)
He was being pushed back violently as he was on the edge of the steps.
Robin: Water is a liquid! A liquid! You can’t hold it back in front of you like it’s a giant ball of iron! And are you implying that the water is only *through gritted teeth* pushing him back BECAUSE he’s on the edge of the steps? If he were anywhere else, he wouldn’t be pushed back? And again, why not just step aside? Just one step to the left or right, and all your problems are solved! It’s not that hard to figure out!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 37
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 26
"Die kid! Why won't you die?"
The Girl: *Looks up from her cake and screams* BECAUSE YOU WON’T FUCKING KILL HIM! WHAT WERE YOU EXPECTING, THAT THE STU WOULD BE ALLERGIC TO WATER? YOU CHUCKED A BALL OF HARMLESS WATER AT HIM! DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK IT’S GOING TO KILL HIM?
Robin: And I fail to see how screaming about it would help matters. Every Shichibukai has been through countless setbacks on their way to the top. They do not react to obstacles with child-like tantrums. In fact, I’m not sure any self-respecting pirate would throw a hissy fit right in front of their enemies. The only thing this does is undermine your own authority and make you look like an idiot.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 37
"No...I'm going to take you out!
Robin: Which is why you threw aside your weapons, right? Which is why you never attack in fatal places? Which is why you stand around and let him batter you despite having plenty of time and chances to dodge? I’ve seen telling instead of showing, but this…
The Girl: And…he just declared that he wanted to murder the Shark King. It’s not as egregious as the other times it happened, but just out of general principle…
SOCIOPATHY: 27
Busoshoku Haki!" David yelled
Robin: Wait, Haki? He has Haki? How? Okay, even accepting that he just happened to have an ultra-rare gift that only the Four Emperors have…why does he know how to use it? There aren’t that many Haki tutors period, and as far as I know, none of them reside in the East Blue. He has barely ventured beyond his hometown, so where on earth did he manage to find a tutor?
The Girl: That’s another gimmick of the Stu. If there is a canon power, he must have it, no matter how illogical. Really, they live for attention and praise, and they are willing to screw over any laws of reality in order to get it.
Robin: And that would almost make a halfway decent villain. *Shakes head* At this point, the Shark King still has a smaller on-screen body count than the heroes.
throwing moving the ball slightly so he could move to dodge.
Robin: LIQUID! THE BALL IS LIQUID! You cannot throw a ball of water, because that implies it has come to a stop! A floating sphere of water cannot exist because it cannot hold its shape! BECAUSE WATER IS A LIQUID! All you need to dodge is stepping aside! You don’t have to throw the ball of water and thus violate another law of reality!
The Girl: *Tentatively pokes Robin* Are you alright? Maybe I should take the Keyboard back…you look like you need some calming down.
Robin: No, I’m alright. This is just very irritating. Also, did he throw or move the ball? They can be used to describe the same motion, but they definitely cannot be placed right next to each other in a sentence. Just because you don’t know which action may be ‘cooler’, doesn’t mean you can use them both.
THESAURUS RAPE: 9 (Yes, I’m using this count for general English mistakes too. Deal with it.)
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 38
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 27
David then jumped in the air
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 29
and around his hand he had a sphere of energy. He punched Tiburon right in his nose.
The Girl: *Calmly places cake down. Suddenly flings herself on the table with a wail and starts banging her head on it* WHY? JUST WHY?
Robin: *Pats the girl on the shoulders consolingly* He was on the other side of the room. The ball of water *strained* pushed him there, remember? He was on top of the stairs, right by the entrance. The Shark King is in the pool around his throne. How on earth did he close that distance with a single jump? This…I have no idea what show you are watching, but you do not spam Haki like that. This is seriously not how it works. There is so much wrong with this, I cannot even begin to describe it. And octopi do not have noses. Krakens do not have noses. Do you even remember that the Shark King has transformed? And why would he go for a punch on the nose? He just stated the need to ‘take him out’, so why chose such a harmless attack? Is giving him a nosebleed enough to stop him from ruling East Blue? See, we wouldn’t have this problem if you didn’t throw your only weapons away! Just how long is this section? I’m certain this is almost twice as long as the last section we sporked.
The Girl: Nah, we’re almost done. We’ve got…another page and a half of the fic to go. God save us…
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 31 (One for jumping across an entire hall, one for the goddamned ‘ball of energy’)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 38
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 39
"Ahhh!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 32
The Girl: Really…I can’t think of anything to say at this point except…I HATE THIS FIC. I HATE EVERYTHING THIS FIC STANDS FOR. IT WAS KIND OF AMUSINGLY STUPID AT THE START, BUT NOW IT’S JUST STUPID. BEYOND STUPID.
I HATE THIS FIC.
HATE.
HATE.
HATE.
Tiburon slid back a little in the water, but recovered quickly.
Robin: So…after you declare that you are going to kill him, you proceed to…barely damage him. Great job. I can see why you are the protagonist in this fic, you are just so efficient and intelligent.
The Girl: The Shark King is a huge Kraken. He is said to be absolutely HUGE. An entire hall couldn’t contain him. Seeing as he has to fit his tentacles into the pool somehow, his head should be around the middle. Therefore, the Stu has just flung himself into the centre of the pool where he shall hopefully DROWN.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 15
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 40
"Nice trick punk." Tiburon complimented,
Robin: He barely damaged you. He was boasting about how he’s going to utterly thrash you, and he barely hurt you. This is not the time for compliments! This is where you kill him and desecrate his corpse! And please stop calling him ‘punk’. It does not make you threatening, it does not make you badass. You sound like a three year old, emulating ‘bad boys’ because that is what you think is cool. You’re an embarrassment to yourself.
The Girl: Even the villain must praise the Stu. Even the villain must fucking kiss the Stu’s ass. I…I…*Cries*
"You so you like to use Haki."
Robin: Haki is an extremely rare ability. Everyone who had that ability became one of the greatest pirates of their period. The Shark King was a Shichibukai. He would know about this. He would not be so complacent about this. If he found a rookie pirates who had Haki and the inexplicable training to use it, he would freak out and immediately kill him right there, because that is serious competition. And this isn’t a matter of liking to use Haki. He has an advantage over you, so of course he is going to exploit it. He used it because it would work, not because of personal enjoyment.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 41
"I've had to use both forms of my Haki to fight you..."
The Girl: (David) Why won’t you just die? You’re making me look uncool! How dare you continue to survive? I mean, I’ve had to use BOTH my special moves on you! That’s not fair! Waaaaaaaaah! *Resumes normal voice* Seriously, though, how does that answer his question? Like, at all?
"Well too bad no Haki will save you from my next attack!
Robin: Well, it’s nice to see that the Stu is not completely cornering the market in the arrogance department.
The Girl: What…WHAT is that? Stuthor, DARSTARDLY WHIPLASH WAS A PARODY! HE WAS MEANT TO BE SILLY! HE ISN’T A BENCHMARK OF VILLAINY! I CAN’T BELIEVE I HAVE TO EXPLIN THIS!
Robin: And how nice of you to warn him that you’re going to attack him. And you had the decency to tell him that you will be using a different attack that his Haki will not have an effect on. How thoughtful.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 39
Kraken Barrage!" Tiburon yelled swinging his tentacles all over the place.
Robin: And how, exactly, is that going to help? You have a very clear target. Aim at that target. This attack may be good when you are outnumbered and surrounded, but it is almost useless in single combat. You are wasting energy lashing out at thin air, and due to distributing your attacks over such a big area, you’ve pretty much guaranteed that almost none of it will hit David even if he stood there, utterly still. Look, you are a giant octopus. It’s not that hard. Just reach out with your tentacle, curl it around his neck (and he won’t dodge because he’s under contractual obligation to get beaten up immediately after a ‘big and awesome’ attack), and STRANGLE him! By squeezing!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 40
"Ahh!"
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 33
The Girl: *Weakly* What is even the point anymore? God, I swear, this is the longest 500 words I have ever read…
David yelled as he wa being slapped around, while waves would come and push him down.
The Girl: …Does that make any sense? At all?
Robin: ‘Was being’ slapped around? What is the word ‘being’ doing in there? Have you sunken to such depths of padding that you are willing to shove in completely random words in your sentences? How is he being slapped around? The Shark King chose one of the most inaccurate attack you can use! It is also completely random! He’s not even aiming for anything! In such a vast space, how could you get hit every single time? And after being hit, would you not fly backwards far enough so that you are out of reach for him? The only way this could have worked is it you purposely ran into his attacks! And please, do not personify the waves. You are far too incompetent a writer to ever make that work. It does not make you look any more sophisticated. It just sounds stupid.
The Girl: At least he would have been slapped out of the water! Seriously, if he was waving his tentacles around, and you are in water, right beside him, there a pretty small chance that you’re going to be hit! And, you know, THIS WOULDN’T HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU DIDN’T GET THE BRIGHT IDEA OF JUMPING RIGHT UP TO HIM AND PUNCHING HIM IN THE NOSE! And where the hell did the waves come from? I thought they were in a pool! Not out at sea!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 44 (One count for each complaint)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 41 (I feel like every single paragraph has been getting at least one count of this…)
"Now Kraken Bomber!"
The Girl: Please, stop talking. It’s embarrassing. You just make yourself look more stupid every time you open your mouth.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 32
Robin: To be fair, his actions could hardly be described as intelligent.
"Huh...huh...huh..." David stood panting
The Girl: You…felt the need to write out every breathe he took. You felt the need to put in THREE completely unnecessary words so we know what your character sounds like when he’s breathing. *Head desk*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 36
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 25 (To be fair, I couldn’t tell that dialogue was meant to be panting at first, but I think it still counts, because the Stuthor certainly knew what it’s there for.)
Robin: Stood? You just said that David was in water a few sentences ago. In an abyss, in fact, so I doubt his legs could reach the bottom. And why would being slapped around a little make him out of breath? I could understand if he was forced under the water and is gasping for fresh air, but the way you describe it, it sounds as if he has just been jogging. We should have a counter for internal canon rape, you know.
The Girl: Eh, I’ll just heap it under Too Dumb To Live. I know that counter gets abused a lot, I’ve been shoving everything in there because…well, everything is stupid in this fic, but hey!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 45
as he saw the large sphere of water heading towards him,
Robin: Yes, how disastrous. A giant sphere of water! Imagine that! Your hair might get ruined!
The Girl: …Just where is the Shark King’s mouth? David is in the water with him! He’s right up against him! How the hell did he spew that ball of water so it heads straight for David? How?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 41
"I said...I won't die!" David yelled
Robin: Really, I don’t think that’s for you to decide.
The Girl: And STOP WITH THE YELLING! How many times have we seen that dialogue tag in this chapter? That is seriously all they do! They yell! VARIETY, dammit! LEARN HOW TO USE A THESAURUS! AND LEARN HOW TO NOT ABUSE ONE!
as he leaped over the sphere of water
Robin: He was drowning and being knocked around by giant tentacles. Even if we disregard the myriad of injuries he has sustained from previous battle, that alone means that he would be heavily disorientated and weak. He would not be able to jump over a sphere of water. And even if we were to accept that he somehow could, why would he choose to? It is a horribly inefficient way of avoiding an attack, and by going airborne, he’s presenting himself as a ripe target for the Shark King to knock around some more. And I believe that the Stuthor has entirely forgotten that the Stu is still in water at this point. As in, he should not be able to jump, period.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 33
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 16
then rushed at Tiburon one last time,
The Girl: *Tentatively* L-last? It’s almost over? YAY! *Jumps up in excitement*
Robin: *Sighs in relief* At this point, I do not even care who wins.
"Shotgun Fist!" David cocked his fist back
The Girl: *Growls* I swear I have seen that phrase a million times since the start of this fic. STOP REPEATING YOURSELF, DAMMIT!
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 26 (One just out of spite.)
The Girl: And I was just getting in the mood to celebrate too…
as he generated as much of his Haki around hi fist and dove down.
The Girl: Okay, here’s a challenge. How many English errors can you see in that sentence?
Robin: And let’s not even get into raping the laws of reality.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 35 (He never said that he jumped into the air, but he needs to do it in order to DIVE down, so I’m counting it.)
He punched Tiburon right on the top of his head forcing his whole body to curl in pain.
Robin: …After all of that, after nearly two thousand words…THIS is how he defeats him? Just punching him in the head? When stabbing him in the torso six times didn’t work? How does this work on any level, at all? And how far can he jump to punch the top of the Shark King’s head? He is in the middle of a pool of water! Why would he go for such a target anyways? Why not punch the front of the head, which is much more accessible? And that metaphor really does not work. People curl in pain when you punch their stomach. Punching them on the head…I have no idea what they would do, since I’ve never seen anyone stupid enough to try that in real life, but they most assuredly will not curl up in pain.
The Girl: AND HE’S IN A POOL OF WATER! Why didn’t he just DIVE DOWN? It’s so ridiculously easy to evade this attack, the only way this could have worked is if he were LETTING the Stu win! What the fuck? And this is a terribly way to handle tension! After all that build up, after all those ridiculous moves your Stu has pulled…he ends the fight with his most basic attack? Just because you pulled Haki out of your ass, doesn’t mean this is any more spectacular! This isn’t a climax! This is a goddamned premature ejaculation! *Tears own hair* The longest chapter in the freaking book…I sporked all of that for THIS? I…*Cries*
Robin: *Sighs tiredly* Please don’t tell me it gets even worse?
The Girl: …If that’s what you want.
Robin: …Unbelievable…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 42
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 36
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 46
"Guah!" Tiburon cried out in pain
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 38
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 27 (Really, he was crying out in pain? I felt for sure he would be crying out in apathy! It’s what I’m doing right now!)
as his arms tentacles flared up in the air,
The Girl: Flared up? It got set on fire? How the fuck did that happen?
Robin: The fic did say something about David’s fists being ‘coated in energy’ or something…
The Girl: Oh, come ON! Don’t tell me he magically has another power! Haki doesn’t work that way, dammit!
Robin: …wait. I think it’s just bad writing.
The Girl: That answer really isn’t any better.
THESAURUS RAPE: 10
his eyes rolled back,
The Girl: And forth and back and forth~ *Hums*
Robin: …Are you quite alright? It’s not bad enough to induce insanity, is it?
The Girl: After eight chapters? Yeah, it is.
Robin: …I may have to re-evaluate my decision to volunteer for further projects.
The Girl: You were thinking about coming back? Aww…You’re so nice. Normally, I have to abduct and threaten people into doing this.
he began to decrease
Robin: And now, our villain has become a numerical value. Really, this Stuthor should try his hand at surrealism. He might even be able to disguise his stupidity that way.
The Girl: Hey! Don’t say that! Surrealist writers are awesome!
THESAURUS RAPE: 11
changing back into his normal form.
The Girl: …I see this Stuthor has played far too many video games than healthy. Devil fruits DO NOT WORK THAT WAY! Their effects don’t magically wear off when you are unconscious! When you eat a devil fruit, it changes your body! Your animal forms are as natural to you as your human form! And it stays a part of you! You literally cannot get rid of the ability! That’s one of the drawbacks, dammit! Don’t you think people would have exploited this if people really did lose their powers when unconscious? Why do you think they invented Sea Stone handcuffs? All they would have to do is knock the goddamned criminals unconscious!
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 47
David jumped away from Tiburon
The Girl: HOW? SERIOUSLY, HOW? HE WAS IN MID-AIR! RIGHT BELOW HIM IS WATER! HOW THE FUCK DID HE GET ENOUGH LEVERAGE TO JUMP? ARE YOU SO OBSESSED WITH VIDEO GAMES THAT YOU GAVE YOUR CHARACTER THE ABILITY TO DOUBLE JUMP?
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 48
Robin: And maybe you wouldn’t have to resort to such ridiculous measures if you didn’t attempt such a stupid move in the first place. Do you even remember that you have swords?
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 37
landing hard on his back
Robin: He initiated the jump. He knew exactly where he wanted to jump to. And yet he still landed on his back? Is he a capable fighter or not? You cannot have him stumbling around like a drunk monkey, and have him twirl around in mid-air and gracefully tap the villain’s head in the same scene!
on a floating piece of the platform.
The Girl: …Floating?
Robin: What…WHEN HAVE WE EVER SEEN FLOATING PLATFORMS? WHERE DID THEY COME FROM?
The Girl: *Jumps*
Robin: *Holds head tiredly* I see that all the reality-warping has finally caught up to the Stuthor, and his sick, little fantasy dimension is falling apart.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 49
"I did it..." David sighed.
The Girl: Okay…so the Shark King flailed about a bit and then changed back to his basic form…how does that indicate that you have won? For all you know, he’s just shifted forms because that apparently heals all your injuries in this universe!
Robin: He’s defeated because the Stu has just pulled a supposedly ‘climatic and awesome’ move, therefore the villain must be instantly defeated, lest the Stu be humiliated.
The Girl: *Shakes head* Wow…just one chapter, and you’ve got this all figured out.
Robin: It’s not that complicated. You just have to put yourself in the shoes of the most arrogant, self-centred, sociopathic, lazy, idiotic, and bigoted child imaginable.
The Girl: …That sounds…painful.
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 5
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 3