One Piece: Bound For Glory - Chapter 8 Part 1:
I'm sorry for the late update, but this chapter? It's LONG. It's the longest chapter yet, and it features the some of the most infuriating things yet. And, like the chapters before it, this is just another long, godawful action scene. I feel so tired after sporking this, there probably wouldn't be an update for a while. I'm just...so worn out.
Anyways, please enjoy:
Disclaimer: One Piece: Bound For Glory is written by Inhuman X, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7143147/1/One_Piece_Bound_For_Glory. I do not own the story and I do not claim any credit for it. One Piece is owned by Oda Eichiro. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made. This project is undertaken for the sole purpose of entertainment. Robin belongs to Oda Eichiro as well..
Fandom: One Piece
Summary of Fic: Where every value in One Piece is shat upon. I am not even kidding here, every thing canon portrays as desirable and important, the Stuthor systematically destroys.
Rating of Fic: T
Warning for Spork: Coarse language, long capslocked rants in large font.
Sporkers: The Voice and Robin
The sky was absolutely cloudless today, stretching in a perfect dome, as blue as the ocean.
Robin found herself sitting on the deck of Going Merry, underneath a beach umbrella set up thanks to Mr. Cook, reading through a paper detailing new dating technique for the third time.
They had been at sea for almost a month now, and the next island was still nowhere in sight. Food and water levels were still reasonable, Mr. Cook had made sure of that, but she was rapidly running out of reading material.
She took another sip of her cocktail, savouring the sharp sour taste of the beverage. It was really ridiculous how one man could turn a collection of innocuous fruits and alcohol into such…such a symphony of tastes and smells. She’d really chosen correctly in joining this crew. Chaos or not, the food was fantastic.
She swallowed, the cool liquid somehow creating a warm glow in the pit of her stomach.
She was about to turn the page when a sharp cry rose from the kitchens, followed by loud, scuffling noises. Another food fight? She frowned. The scuffling noises continued, and dimly, she could hear someone cursing. If it was just a food fight…Mr. Cook would have put an end to that by now.
She darted up the stairs, her heart thudding a little too quickly for comfort. Well, it would be very troublesome if something were to occur to this crew. After all, she depended on them to ferry her to the next island. She didn’t think she would be able to sail this ship alone…and the majority of the crew was in the kitchens.
She threw open the door and felt her eyes widen in surprise.
In the middle of the kitchen, on top of the large, wooden table, was…She didn’t know what it was. A blue oval floated in mid-air, swirling lazily, emitting a faint glow. A teenage girl was sitting beside the table, her appearance a little ruffled. She was certainly that she had never seen the girl before, and whilst marines did recruit teenagers, she doubted they’d send someone so young after her…
The girl looked around, and cursed. ‘Damned portal…Never works quite right…’
She stood up and ran a hand through her hair. ‘Luffy?’ She addressed the Captain somewhat tentatively.
‘Who are you?’ Captain asked. He didn’t appear too wary. Robin subconsciously relaxed. Naïve or not, Luffy was an excellent judge of character.
The girl groaned. ‘Look, it’s very complicated, but I need to borrow some of your crew.’
If possible, the expressions of bafflement on the crew members deepened. Except Captain, of course. ‘Why?’ He tilted his head.
‘Well…’ She paused, waffling a little. ‘Look, I ran a project where I take badly written pieces of literature and mock them. I’ve come upon a document that depicts the adventures of a rookie pirate and…well, it’s stupid. It’s the single most stupid thing I have ever read.’ She paused and shuddered.
‘I’ve tried to make different people do it…hell, I even did a few chapters myself, but it’s so stupid that no one can stand it for long. So now there’s no one available who can rip it to shreds.’ She looked up at Captain, her eyes widened a little in…admiration?
‘And it so very much deserves to be ripped to shreds. Can you believe that one of the pirates claimed he wanted to claim your hat as his own?’
Robin winced. Sure enough, Captain leapt up out of his seat, hugging his hat to his chest, protesting loudly.
‘So you understand, I simply couldn’t let it be!’ She held out her hands in a helpless gesture. ‘So I thought I would borrow some of your crew members, and they can point out exactly how very wrong this thing is…’
‘Are you going to have to take them through that…that swirl thing?’ Ms. Navigator spoke up, her eyes narrowing shrewdly.
‘Well, yes. I suppose you’ll have to take my word that I won’t hurt them…’ She shrugged. ‘But they won’t be gone for long. I can play around with the passage of time in my dimension a little, so I’ll be able to return them to you in an hour at the most.’
‘Right, who do you want?’ Calming down a little, Captain asked.
She hesitated, scanning the crew members one by one. ‘Well…I think Robin would do. She has a lovely sense of logic…And… She’s snarky, and I like snarky.’
‘You want the lady?’ Mr. Cook asked, similarly suspicious now.
‘I promise I won’t hurt them! Really!’ She waved her hands frantically. ‘I wouldn’t dream of hurting them! I mean, normally, when I need someone, I’d just zap them into my dimension without explanation…but this is Luffy’s crew! There’s no way I can kidnap them without him smiting me down with his glorious punches of friendship! So…So I came to ask. And I promise I won’t do anything to them! I promise!’
Mr. Cook’s mouth twisted into a wry grin. ‘Punches of Friendship, huh?’
Captain turned to her. ‘Robin? What do you think?’
Glancing quickly at the girl, playing with her clothes now in distress, Robin smiled slowly. ‘I think it a very interesting idea. I was just getting rather bored, and if she tries to do anything…well, I'm far from defenceless, aren't I?’
‘I still don’t really like the sound of this…’ Ms. Navigator crossed her arms. ‘We have no idea what’s behind that portal and-‘
The girl looked up. ‘Food and drinks are provided, and I’ll pay you handsomely afterwards!’
‘Robin, get going.’ Ms. Navigator pushed her towards the portal.
She heaved a sigh and complied. As she stepped through the portal, she could feel the anxious gaze of the entire crew at her back…and she knew nothing could happen to her. Because they were there.
Chapter 8: Dethroning the King
The Girl: Uh…so, this fic is pretty repetitive, so I’ve got a few counters which I’d like to include in this sporking. I’ll introduce them when they come up, so if you notice something that fits a counter, please point it out.
Robin: *Sits down* Chapter eight? Is it alright if we do not read the chapters before that?
The Girl: No, it’s perfectly fine. Nothing much happened anyways. The briefing files are right there, you can read it for a plot recap if you want to.
Robin: *Quickly reads briefing files* This is very bad…
The Girl: *Grimaces* I know.
"Guah!"
The Girl: And we have our first count already! ‘Onomatopoeias are Cool!’ One count for every onomatopoeia used, and two for every instance of ‘Guah’. Trust me, this count gets ridiculously high.
Robin: *Sighs* I see that the briefing files were not exaggerating.
The Girl: *Grimaces* I would never be able to make anything this horrible up…
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 2
David was pushed back violently by another one of Tiburon's attacks,
The Girl: Again, I would like to point out that the Shark King has a FREAKING HUGE SWORD. And apparently, he’s not using it. And so we start our second counter, ‘Just Kill Him, Dammit’. One count for every instance where characters deliberate use non-lethal or even harmless attacks, because otherwise the fight would end too quickly, and the Stuthor won’t be able to wank to his own awesomeness.
Robin: This…action scene seems awfully bland. Is it just me, or does the prose provoke no emotional response whatsoever? If you desire us to relate to your characters, why not include some description of their pain? Show them being affected by the attacks? This reads like…Tiburon is just shoving David around like a schoolyard bully.
The Girl: Like I said, he pretty much IS a schoolyard bully. He never tries to hurt the Stus at all.
Robin: Then he must make a very anticlimactic villain. What is his purpose, if not to oppose the heroes?
The Girl: He’s there so the Stus can beat him up. Because the Stuthor’s an insecure hack, and has to beat up fictional characters to make himself feel better.
Robin: …That’s rather sad, really.
The Girl: I know. But mostly, I’m just angry. Let’s move on…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 1
David felt pretty much worthless now.
The Girl: *Snorts* When your own Stus are pointing out their dumbass-ness, you know there’s something wrong.
Robin: *Scans briefing files again* If I am not mistaken, he is a rookie pirate who has a crew of four, half of which only joined him a few hours ago. He is going up against a former Shichibukai with an army for a crew, and who has control over a large portion of the world. And in the last chapter, he succeeded in landing four blows on his opponent, all of which would be fatal if this story was realistic. So, why is he feeling worthless?
The Girl: The mere idea that someone could possibly to strong enough to injure him makes him depressed. He’s a Stu, you see, and thus he must be perfect. Never mind who he’s going up against, he absolutely has to win every fight without so much as a bruise.
Robin: You sat through seven chapters of this before?
The Girl: *Blushes* Oh, not quite. I made other people do most of them…I really only had to sit through two of them.
Robin: *Sincerely* My sympathies.
"Some pirate you are, how pathetic."
The Girl: …I…I think I’m starting to like the Shark King, now. If only he’d actually KILL the Stu, instead of waffling around, dragging out the fic.
Robin: That seems a very dangerous attitude to take. The man proved himself more than capable of inflicting grievous wounds on you last chapter. You only survived through…*Shrugs* divine intervention. I would be far more cautious. The author won’t be on your side forever, and you have to go down eventually.
The Girl: You better get used to the stupid banter. The Stuthor can’t write anything without direct dialogue. Well, that or he seriously thinks that this is witty.
Robin: It’s really rather sad, if you think about it that way.
The Girl: Trust me, at the end of this chapter, you’ll have nothing but contempt for him.
"So you think..." David stood and grinned as he picked up both of his swords.
The Girl: Excuse me? Weren’t you just lamenting how you were pathetic ONE LINE ago? YOU WERE BEING BATTERED AROUND LIKE A FUCKING RAG DOLL! THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE STILL ALIVE IF BECAUSE HE’S TOO FUCKING STUPID TO ATTACK WITH HIS FUCKIGN SWORD! AND NOW YOU’RE SUDDENLY BACK TO BEING ARROGANT AND COCKY AGAIN? YOU WERE FUCKING FEELING WORTHLESS ONE FUCKING SENTENCE AGO! WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SHIT?
Robin: Does he, perhaps, have some form of bipolar disorder or dissociative personality disorder? The change in attitude is far too rapid and complete for it to be anything else.
The Girl: Or it’s just bad writing. It’s pretty likely in this fic. Of course, the Stu can’t legitimately start questioning his competence and intelligence. That would get in the way of the Stuthor wanking. *Seethes*
Robin: Also, I must point out that he is fighting against a former Shichibukai, a very experienced pirate who has been in far more fights than him. I doubt he would be able to retrieve his weapons with so little fanfare. It seems to me that once you disarm your opponents, it would be very prudent to keep those weapons away. He was being thrown around the room a minute ago. It’s very unlikely that Tiburon will throw him anywhere near his weapons, or do nothing to stop him from regaining them.
The Girl: Oh, don’t worry. The Stuthor gave all the villains lobotomies in this story to ensure that they pose no threat whatsoever to the heroes. That fucking BITCH. *Takes a deep breath* I’m sorry for my outburst. I’ve seen so much of this shit last chapter…
Robin: I understand. I live around pirates. I’m not as sensitive towards curses as you might assume. Please feel free to vent your anger.
"You still stand?" Tiburon asked with a grin on his face.
The Girl: Instead of with his voice. *Snarls*
Robin: …Was it intentional for the villain to speak like a toddler? Those not intelligent enough to form coherent sentences usually don’t make it to the position of Shichibukai, after all.
The Girl: Look, this guy threw away his sword so he could punch someone, and was more than willing to wait around for the Stu to get ready before attacking. Comparing him to toddlers is just insulting. At least toddlers can be utterly vicious bastards when provoked.
"You have no idea..."
The Girl: What? What is he talking about?
Robin: It is even more apparent that the main character clearly has some form of mental disorder. His reply is completely unrelated to the question asked. Obviously, he is suffering some form of hallucination.
The Girl: And THAT is insulting people who have mental illnesses.
David used his swords to stand
Robin: Excuse me?
The Girl: *Stares* Don’t ask me. I have no idea either.
as he stared at Tiburon with intense eyes.
The Girl: *Snickers* Stared. That implies that you are shocked, or disbelieving. I think the word you’re looking for is ‘glared’. And thus, we have our third counter, ‘THESAURUS RAPE’. I think that speaks for itself. It’s when the Stuthor uses a word inappropriate because he wants to seem ‘literary’. I'll refrain from giving a counter for now, but I won't be nearly as forgiving next time.
Robin: I would imagine the effect would be somewhat lessened, seeing as he is apparently standing on swords. Granted, I have seen many…interesting gimmicks in my day, but that is just…
The Girl: You’re still trying to figure it out? Give up, nothing in this fic makes sense. The Stuthor’s just spasming on his keyboard, throwing a bunch of words together, hoping they make sense.
Robin: Clearly, he has failed miserably in his enterprise.
"Then I guess I should end this.."
The Girl: JUST NOW? YOU FINALLY REALISE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE KILLING THIS GUY? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING ALL OF LAST CHAPTER? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Robin: At least this will not be dragged out any further…
The Girl: *Huffs angrily* I wish…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 2 (Another count just out of spite)
Tiburon threw off his robe
Robin: Forgive me, but how is stripping going to help him win a battle?
The Girl: If this Stuthor was actually competent, I would say that it was because robes tended to impede movement. They look awesome and all, but you really don’t want to be wearing them whilst fighting. However, he’s not. So I’ll just assume he subscribes to the Dragon Ball philosophy of ‘being naked makes you stronger!’
Robin: Even assuming that he removed his robe because of its impractically, it still makes no sense. He is a pirate. He has to sail around the seas and brave the elements. I can’t imagine someone with that kind of lifestyle wearing fancy robes. And if he did wear them, then he would remove them right at the start of the battle, not after the enemy has already stabbed him four times. It would be similar to trying to install sprinkler systems whilst a fire is ravaging your house.
The Girl: Well, I suppose so. But hey, you’re a pirate! And you wear leather miniskirts!
Robin: Ah, but I have a devil fruit power which makes climbing riggings and hauling canvas practically effortless.
The Girl: *Blushes* Uh…This is kind of a rude question…but aren’t those clothes uncomfortable? They look like they’d chafe a lot…
Robin: *Sincerely* No, not at all. Leather, when cured properly, can be quite flexible.
revealing his large and muscular self,
The Girl: *Stares, then bursts out into hysterical laughter* I am pretty sure I’ve NEVER seen that description, except in bad porn.
Robin: *Raises eyebrows* Interesting.
The Girl: *Collapses in laughter*
"You ready to die?"
The Girl: AND WHAT IF HE ISN’T FUCKING READY? IF YOU’VE RESOLVED TO ‘END’ THIS, THEN JUST GET ON TO IT! WE’VE HAD TO SIT THROUGH THREE FUCKING CHAPTERS OF FILLER ALREADY! CUT THE FUCKING BANTER OUT!
Robin: *Shakes head* If this is really what the author thinks pirates do when they decide to kill someone…well, I hope he never meets an actual pirate.
The Girl: You do? Personally, I wish he would meet one. I wish he would meet an entire crew. An entire batshit crazy, bloodthirsty crew.
Robin: Well, ignorance doesn’t quite warrant death…
The Girl: They enslaved a little girl. That is all you have to know.
Robin: *Raises eyebrows* I see.
"I don't know, today doesn't feel like a good day to die." David commented, "But you can try."
The Girl: I would like to remind you that THIS is what the Stuthor considers witty banter. He honestly thinks this is funny.
Robin: It’s almost sad in a pathetic way, like when you watch an overturned turtle flop around…
The Girl: *Stares* That…was a bit unsettling…but okay.
David rushed at Tiburon who stood there and raised his blade.
The Girl: OH, NOW HE STARTS USING HIS FREAKING SWORD!
"Shark Rage!"
Robin: I beg your pardon?
The Girl: I dunno. The Stuthor has a ridiculous fetish for stupid names, and he will stop at nothing to shove as many in as possible. Just…get used to it. We’ll see a lot more of those.
Tiburon swung his blade down and David side stepped it with his Haki,
Robin: Haki? Excuse me, but how does a rookie pirate have Haki? Even if he does have an affinity for it, how would he know about it, much less be trained enough to proficiently use it in combat? There aren’t that many Haki instructors in East Blue.
The Girl: Oh, he’s a Stu, so he was born having every single power there is to have in One Piece. And yes, I am serious. Also, Tiburon swung his blade down? You mean, by ‘raised his blade’, you meant he raised it all the way above his head? Exposing his entire torso? Whilst an enemy is running straight at him? And he just stood there, with all of his vital organs nicely undefended? And even though he has clearly made a determination to step the game up and start getting serious…his battle tactics haven’t changed at all, and he is just as competent as before? So…what was the point of having him declare that, then? What is the purpose if nothing is going to change anyways? Last, YOU MEAN WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE GODDAMNED ACTION SCENES? DIDN’T YOU THINK THREE IN A FUCKING ROW FROM LAST CHAPTER WAS FUCKING ENOUGH? DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THIS SEQUENCE WAS SO SCINTILLATING THAT IT DESERVED TO BE SHOWN TWELVE TIMES IN EIGHT FUCKING CHAPTERS? ARGH!
Robin: I also find it immensely implausible that a rookie pirate who has barely left his hometown can evade the attack of a former Shichibukai so easily. The only explanation is that the author has never met a Shichibukai before, and does not understand the level of strength and intelligence they must possess to achieve that position.
The Girl: He doesn’t understand anything. Hell, he doesn’t even understand why desecrating the corpses of your enemies is bad. …Or I hope it was misunderstanding that led to that scene…because if he deliberately wrote it whilst knowing how…unsavoury it was…*Shudders*
he then roundhouse kicked Tiburon's blade out of his hand,
The Girl: As the Shark King did absolutely nothing to stop him.
slashed Tiburon's chest
The Girl: *Holds head* Gah! I hate that verb! You’re desecrating slash every time you use it, and that’s unforgivable!
and spartan kicked him in the chest.
The Girl: *Stony silence* I refuse to comment on the stupidity of…THAT.
Robin: If he were indeed such a ferocious fighter that he succeeded in doing all of this before a former Shichibukai had the time to react…why is the fight still ongoing? Why did he not do this to begin with?
The Girl: Because padding. The Stuthor wants to seem impressive because OOH, HIS STORY HAS OVER FIFTY CHAPTERS! OOH! *Disgust* He’s still not even trying here. He has two freaking swords. The Shark King is apparently doing nothing to defend himself. And instead of just stabbing him in the heart, he freaking kicks him. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP ANYTHING?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 3
"Grr..."
The Girl: *Screams*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 3
Tiburon growled.
The Girl: AS IMPLIED BY THE FUCKING ONOMATOPOEIA YOU JUST USED! God…going from imitating Meyer to Paolini isn’t really that much of an improvement…And I’m going to start up the ‘Department of Redundancy Department’ count. For when things are redundant. You know, when they repeat themselves…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 1
Robin: Excuse me, but he has just been cut in the chest, hasn’t he? If his opponent was anywhere near serious in trying to end the fight, that should not be his reaction. He is acting annoyed, which isn’t usually how people respond to potentially life threatening injuries.
The Girl: *Shakes head* I almost didn’t notice with all the handholding going on…Anyways, here’s our third counter. ‘Faux Made Of Iron’. It’s where the Stuthor completely misses the point of the Made Of Iron trope, and have characters dismiss fatal injuries, because he’s clearly never been mortally injured himself.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 1
"Don't relax just yet!"
The Girl: HE WAS FUCKING GROWLING! HE WAS PISSED OFF! WHAT IN HIM TOLD YOU THAT HE’S GOING TO RELAX?
Robin: These characters talk far too much during an action scene. I refuse to believe they can perform some of these manoeuvres and speak at the same time.
The Girl: They’re Stus. It’s pretty much their duty to rape reality up the ass. By the way, nice going warning him of your attack there. It’s disgusting, really, how no one ever takes advantage of this.
David jumped in the air
The Girl: And we have our fourth counter, ‘SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME’. This is where someone uses a ridiculously fancy move, when a simpler one will suffice, just because the Stuthor wants to show off. Two counts every time they jump into the air to do it.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 2
and lunged with one sword.
The Girl: Yes, using only one sword when you have two, nothing could possibly go wrong.
Robin: Somehow, I have the feeling that nothing will.
The Girl: Because the goddamned Stuthor is a WIMP!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 4
Tiburon crossed his arms only getting one sword in his arm,
The Girl: …Can anyone explain to me why he didn’t just step out of the way? David apparently floated in air long enough to deliver that line up there. And the Shark King has displayed the ability to move faster than the eye could blind, so…why is he just stupidly putting his arms in front of himself?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 5
Robin: I also much mention this…of course, he only had one sword in his arm. You only attacked with one. Were you expecting a second one to appear out of the ether and impale him?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 2
Robin: Also, the wording of that sentence was very poor. It sounds as though Tiburon is scooping up swords with his arm…which I am sure is not your intention.
The Girl: Yeah, yeah, bad writing. Trust me, after a while, you won’t even notice it anymore…
David then used the other to stab Tiburon's shoulder..
Robin: Excuse me? How does that work?
The Girl: I…have no idea. And I love how, despite having then Shark King at his mercy AGAIN, he still only stabs his SHOULDER. Not his heart, or anything. BECAUSE THIS GODDAMNED ACTION SCENE IS STILL NOT LONG ENOUGH.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 6
"Grr..." Tiburon continued to growl in anger.
Robin: *Eyes widen minutely* I believe that’s the worst sentence yet.
The Girl: …Actually, that might be the worst sentence EVER, outside of Twilight, that is…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 4 (One for telling us he was growling, and one for telling us that he was angry)
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 4
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 2 (No, that is not how people react to being stabbed in the shoulder. Even genuinely Made of Iron Zoro have a more realistic reaction)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 7 (For just sitting there, growling, instead of strangling the SOB whilst he was in close range)
The Girl: *Looks up* Wow, that’s bad…
Robin: *Slowly shakes head* I cannot fathom how you managed to read seven chapters of this. And I begin to appreciate why you are unwilling to do it alone.
The Girl: *Tight smile* Thank you.
"Ha!"
The Girl: Seriously, I have no idea what that is there for. As annoying as the ‘Guah’ and the ‘Grr’ were, at least they indicated an emotion. Here…I honestly have no idea what the Stu is doing. Oh well…
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 5
David landed behind Tiburon,
Robin: *Baffled* When did he jump into the air?
The Girl: *Squints* I believe the Stuthor wants us to believe…that the Stu has remained in the air since he first jumped. All of that happened whilst the Stu was raping gravity up the ass.
Robin: But if he was airborne and had no leverage…how did he manage to stab the Shark King twice without getting knocked out of the air? In fact, how on earth did he remain there in-
The Girl: Forgive me for interrupting, but as I said, Stus rape the laws of reality for a living. Just…up the count, and move on.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 3
he then spartan kicked him in the back once more sending him flying forwards.
The Girl: INSTEAD OF STABBING HIM IN THE FUCKING HEART WHILST HIS BACK IS TURNED! GAH!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 8
Robin: And we really must start up a count for stupidity displayed by the opponents of the main characters. A former Shichibukai has far too much expertise in battle to let an enemy have his back…or to attempt nothing to fight back even as he is battered. Any sane pirate would have ended this battle a long time ago. The only reason both of these characters are still alive is because the other is the most idiotic moron I have ever seen.
The Girl: Well, yes. But then we’d have to up the count every sentence or two…not that we’re not doing that already…
"Hmph..." Tiburon grunted
The Girl: *String of obscenities*
Robin: *Mildly* I quite agree.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 5
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 6
as he pulled out the sword,
Robin: *Confused* What sword? Wasn’t his sword kicked aside a few moments ago?
The Girl: *Jaw drops* …It’s worse. That…I think that is meant to be DAVID’S sword. As in, after he stabbed the Shark King in the arm and shoulder…he didn’t bother pulling them back out. He just left them there. And left himself unarmed. And now his opponent has access to his weapons. I…I think we need to start a Too Dumb To Live count.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 1
"Shark's Rampage!" Tiburon rushed at David
Robin: No matter how you look at it, these names are still rather…unimpressive. If anyone tried it in a fight with me, there will be much laughter on my part. Further, doesn’t this author know any other way of describing a character running towards another character? Even if he was to use the term ‘rushed’, it should be ‘rushed towards’, not ‘rushed at’. And that term does not have quite the implications of a hostile attack…
The Girl: You know, it’s almost refreshing sporking with someone who’s not yet used to the bad writing…Most other sporkers just ignore it by now.
and kneed him in the chest.
The Girl: He has two swords. In his hands. And his opponent apparently isn’t making any effort to protect himself. And he chose to attack with his KNEE. *Facepalm*
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 9
The Girl: And I do have to wonder…how does a fairly ordinary attack warrant such a melodramatic name? What, does he name all of his punches as well? And why didn’t he shout this name the other hundred times he knees someone? If you want to be stupid, at least be CONSISTENTLY stupid!
Robin: Frankly, if you have to knee someone, there’s a much better target than the chest. It’s even on the right level too…
The Girl: …Thank you for that input.
Robin: You’re very welcome. By the way, is it just me, or does this sound…well, not very like a fight to the death? They almost seem to be engaged in some form of strange ritual. If one of them is attacking, the other almost never makes any effort to dodge, defend themselves, or take advantage of any openings and launch counterattacks. They simply take the attack, wait until their opponent is done, and then take their turn to do the same. In fact, they even seem to be going out of their way to prevent any lasting damage to be done…
The Girl: Well, ignoring the fact that one of them got stabbed six times, and is only alive through authorial intervention…yeah, it does sound like they’re going at some weird S&M ritual…*Pauses* Excuse me, I have to go vomit my guts out.
"Guah!"
Robin: *Writes down tallies* Are you quite alright?
The Girl: *Vomiting in a corner* Oh, I’m fine…not the first time I’ve had to do this.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 8
David coughed blood,
The Girl: *Raises head wearily for a while* Coughed blood? That speaks of a pretty serious injury. Seriously, coughing blood is not just a cliché sign for ‘internal damage’. It means your organs are so wrecked that blood is flowing in your lungs now. That is pretty fatal, you know. In the One Piece verse, there won’t be many doctors who can cure that.
Robin: Ah. So he won’t be impeded by the injury at all, or need any medical attention, and in fact, the injury makes him stronger in battle?
The Girl: *Weak smile* You know your anime clichés, alright.
but was soon cut off by an elbow to the back.
Robin: …What happened there?
The Girl: You’d think an elbow to the back would make him cough MORE blood, not magically heal internal injuries!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 10 (You’re right behind your enemy, and he isn’t fighting back. And all you’re going to do is to elbow him?)
Robin: Ah. I believe David doubled over after the attack…which makes no sense, seeing as you double over when you are kneed in the stomach. A blunt force applied to the chest would tip him backwards. And really, if your character is performing an action, you should tell us what it is. Especially when the next character’s actions hinge on it so much. Can’t we do a count for general bad writing?
The Girl: Nah. Having a count go up to the millions in the first chapter is just a tad ridiculous.
"Ahh!"
The Girl: *Wearily put down tallies* God…how long have we been here? It feels like forever…
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 9
The Girl: And I find it amusing that he barely has a reaction to other attacks so far, including being thrown off a building, but an elbow in the back reduces him to screaming like a cheap horror movie protagonist.
"Haha!" Tiburon laughed
The Girl: Seriously, Paolini’s prose is not something to be copied! *Shakes head* If I ever find out he’s in the One Piece fandom before publishing Eragon…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 6
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 10
as he then grabbed David by the back of his neck and raised him in the air. He dropped him kneed him in the stomach with one knee, then followed with the other. Each time David would float back up a little, and when he came down another knee pushed him up. Then finally Tiburon kicked him right in his solarplexis sending him flying through the wall of moslieum.
The Girl: That was uninterrupted for your enjoyment. Feel free to rant yourself. I…I can’t muster up anything anymore.
Robin: *Jaw drops momentarily* I…did not conceive that such level of stupidity was within the reach of men…
The Girl: Never underestimate Stuthors. Mantra said that once, I think. Thing can always get worse.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 11 (Do I even need to explain this?)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 4 (Just because it’s not the Stus showing off, doesn’t mean it doesn’t count)
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 7 (For using 69 words to describe, ‘he kicked David around like a football.’)
"Tsk...humans."
Robin: …I don’t understand. What is he complaining about, exactly? He sounds as though he is disappointed by the weakness of humans…however, David impaled him six times, and would have killed him if not for the blatant disregard of reality on the part of the Stuthor. Furthermore, we don’t get any indication that David really is out for the count. Given the amount of things he endured without so much as a second glance before, however stupid it was, I wouldn’t assume that would put him out cold. In fact, he kicked David across the room as his last move, giving David plenty of time and space to collect himself and get back up again. And if David was indeed knocked out…well, I don’t see the problem. He was an infiltrator, bent upon usurping Tiburon’s power. You would think he would be delighted in having gotten rid of the pest.
The Girl: Not to mention, he has never shown contempt for human before. This…pretty much just comes out of nowhere. I don’t see any reason for it, except to make him an ever closer clone of Arlong. It’s a trait copied off an AWESOME canon character, solely because the Stuthor is incapable of writing awesome characters of his own…not that he tries…not that he succeeds, despite the disgusting level of plagiarism.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 10 (I know it’s valid to use ‘tsk’ in dialogue, but I’m feeling unforgiving)
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 7, Part 2
Anyways, please enjoy:
Disclaimer: One Piece: Bound For Glory is written by Inhuman X, and can be found here: http://www.fanfiction.net/s/7143147/1/One_Piece_Bound_For_Glory. I do not own the story and I do not claim any credit for it. One Piece is owned by Oda Eichiro. No copyright infringement is intended, and no profit is being made. This project is undertaken for the sole purpose of entertainment. Robin belongs to Oda Eichiro as well..
Fandom: One Piece
Summary of Fic: Where every value in One Piece is shat upon. I am not even kidding here, every thing canon portrays as desirable and important, the Stuthor systematically destroys.
Rating of Fic: T
Warning for Spork: Coarse language, long capslocked rants in large font.
Sporkers: The Voice and Robin
The sky was absolutely cloudless today, stretching in a perfect dome, as blue as the ocean.
Robin found herself sitting on the deck of Going Merry, underneath a beach umbrella set up thanks to Mr. Cook, reading through a paper detailing new dating technique for the third time.
They had been at sea for almost a month now, and the next island was still nowhere in sight. Food and water levels were still reasonable, Mr. Cook had made sure of that, but she was rapidly running out of reading material.
She took another sip of her cocktail, savouring the sharp sour taste of the beverage. It was really ridiculous how one man could turn a collection of innocuous fruits and alcohol into such…such a symphony of tastes and smells. She’d really chosen correctly in joining this crew. Chaos or not, the food was fantastic.
She swallowed, the cool liquid somehow creating a warm glow in the pit of her stomach.
She was about to turn the page when a sharp cry rose from the kitchens, followed by loud, scuffling noises. Another food fight? She frowned. The scuffling noises continued, and dimly, she could hear someone cursing. If it was just a food fight…Mr. Cook would have put an end to that by now.
She darted up the stairs, her heart thudding a little too quickly for comfort. Well, it would be very troublesome if something were to occur to this crew. After all, she depended on them to ferry her to the next island. She didn’t think she would be able to sail this ship alone…and the majority of the crew was in the kitchens.
She threw open the door and felt her eyes widen in surprise.
In the middle of the kitchen, on top of the large, wooden table, was…She didn’t know what it was. A blue oval floated in mid-air, swirling lazily, emitting a faint glow. A teenage girl was sitting beside the table, her appearance a little ruffled. She was certainly that she had never seen the girl before, and whilst marines did recruit teenagers, she doubted they’d send someone so young after her…
The girl looked around, and cursed. ‘Damned portal…Never works quite right…’
She stood up and ran a hand through her hair. ‘Luffy?’ She addressed the Captain somewhat tentatively.
‘Who are you?’ Captain asked. He didn’t appear too wary. Robin subconsciously relaxed. Naïve or not, Luffy was an excellent judge of character.
The girl groaned. ‘Look, it’s very complicated, but I need to borrow some of your crew.’
If possible, the expressions of bafflement on the crew members deepened. Except Captain, of course. ‘Why?’ He tilted his head.
‘Well…’ She paused, waffling a little. ‘Look, I ran a project where I take badly written pieces of literature and mock them. I’ve come upon a document that depicts the adventures of a rookie pirate and…well, it’s stupid. It’s the single most stupid thing I have ever read.’ She paused and shuddered.
‘I’ve tried to make different people do it…hell, I even did a few chapters myself, but it’s so stupid that no one can stand it for long. So now there’s no one available who can rip it to shreds.’ She looked up at Captain, her eyes widened a little in…admiration?
‘And it so very much deserves to be ripped to shreds. Can you believe that one of the pirates claimed he wanted to claim your hat as his own?’
Robin winced. Sure enough, Captain leapt up out of his seat, hugging his hat to his chest, protesting loudly.
‘So you understand, I simply couldn’t let it be!’ She held out her hands in a helpless gesture. ‘So I thought I would borrow some of your crew members, and they can point out exactly how very wrong this thing is…’
‘Are you going to have to take them through that…that swirl thing?’ Ms. Navigator spoke up, her eyes narrowing shrewdly.
‘Well, yes. I suppose you’ll have to take my word that I won’t hurt them…’ She shrugged. ‘But they won’t be gone for long. I can play around with the passage of time in my dimension a little, so I’ll be able to return them to you in an hour at the most.’
‘Right, who do you want?’ Calming down a little, Captain asked.
She hesitated, scanning the crew members one by one. ‘Well…I think Robin would do. She has a lovely sense of logic…And… She’s snarky, and I like snarky.’
‘You want the lady?’ Mr. Cook asked, similarly suspicious now.
‘I promise I won’t hurt them! Really!’ She waved her hands frantically. ‘I wouldn’t dream of hurting them! I mean, normally, when I need someone, I’d just zap them into my dimension without explanation…but this is Luffy’s crew! There’s no way I can kidnap them without him smiting me down with his glorious punches of friendship! So…So I came to ask. And I promise I won’t do anything to them! I promise!’
Mr. Cook’s mouth twisted into a wry grin. ‘Punches of Friendship, huh?’
Captain turned to her. ‘Robin? What do you think?’
Glancing quickly at the girl, playing with her clothes now in distress, Robin smiled slowly. ‘I think it a very interesting idea. I was just getting rather bored, and if she tries to do anything…well, I'm far from defenceless, aren't I?’
‘I still don’t really like the sound of this…’ Ms. Navigator crossed her arms. ‘We have no idea what’s behind that portal and-‘
The girl looked up. ‘Food and drinks are provided, and I’ll pay you handsomely afterwards!’
‘Robin, get going.’ Ms. Navigator pushed her towards the portal.
She heaved a sigh and complied. As she stepped through the portal, she could feel the anxious gaze of the entire crew at her back…and she knew nothing could happen to her. Because they were there.
Chapter 8: Dethroning the King
The Girl: Uh…so, this fic is pretty repetitive, so I’ve got a few counters which I’d like to include in this sporking. I’ll introduce them when they come up, so if you notice something that fits a counter, please point it out.
Robin: *Sits down* Chapter eight? Is it alright if we do not read the chapters before that?
The Girl: No, it’s perfectly fine. Nothing much happened anyways. The briefing files are right there, you can read it for a plot recap if you want to.
Robin: *Quickly reads briefing files* This is very bad…
The Girl: *Grimaces* I know.
"Guah!"
The Girl: And we have our first count already! ‘Onomatopoeias are Cool!’ One count for every onomatopoeia used, and two for every instance of ‘Guah’. Trust me, this count gets ridiculously high.
Robin: *Sighs* I see that the briefing files were not exaggerating.
The Girl: *Grimaces* I would never be able to make anything this horrible up…
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 2
David was pushed back violently by another one of Tiburon's attacks,
The Girl: Again, I would like to point out that the Shark King has a FREAKING HUGE SWORD. And apparently, he’s not using it. And so we start our second counter, ‘Just Kill Him, Dammit’. One count for every instance where characters deliberate use non-lethal or even harmless attacks, because otherwise the fight would end too quickly, and the Stuthor won’t be able to wank to his own awesomeness.
Robin: This…action scene seems awfully bland. Is it just me, or does the prose provoke no emotional response whatsoever? If you desire us to relate to your characters, why not include some description of their pain? Show them being affected by the attacks? This reads like…Tiburon is just shoving David around like a schoolyard bully.
The Girl: Like I said, he pretty much IS a schoolyard bully. He never tries to hurt the Stus at all.
Robin: Then he must make a very anticlimactic villain. What is his purpose, if not to oppose the heroes?
The Girl: He’s there so the Stus can beat him up. Because the Stuthor’s an insecure hack, and has to beat up fictional characters to make himself feel better.
Robin: …That’s rather sad, really.
The Girl: I know. But mostly, I’m just angry. Let’s move on…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 1
David felt pretty much worthless now.
The Girl: *Snorts* When your own Stus are pointing out their dumbass-ness, you know there’s something wrong.
Robin: *Scans briefing files again* If I am not mistaken, he is a rookie pirate who has a crew of four, half of which only joined him a few hours ago. He is going up against a former Shichibukai with an army for a crew, and who has control over a large portion of the world. And in the last chapter, he succeeded in landing four blows on his opponent, all of which would be fatal if this story was realistic. So, why is he feeling worthless?
The Girl: The mere idea that someone could possibly to strong enough to injure him makes him depressed. He’s a Stu, you see, and thus he must be perfect. Never mind who he’s going up against, he absolutely has to win every fight without so much as a bruise.
Robin: You sat through seven chapters of this before?
The Girl: *Blushes* Oh, not quite. I made other people do most of them…I really only had to sit through two of them.
Robin: *Sincerely* My sympathies.
"Some pirate you are, how pathetic."
The Girl: …I…I think I’m starting to like the Shark King, now. If only he’d actually KILL the Stu, instead of waffling around, dragging out the fic.
Robin: That seems a very dangerous attitude to take. The man proved himself more than capable of inflicting grievous wounds on you last chapter. You only survived through…*Shrugs* divine intervention. I would be far more cautious. The author won’t be on your side forever, and you have to go down eventually.
The Girl: You better get used to the stupid banter. The Stuthor can’t write anything without direct dialogue. Well, that or he seriously thinks that this is witty.
Robin: It’s really rather sad, if you think about it that way.
The Girl: Trust me, at the end of this chapter, you’ll have nothing but contempt for him.
"So you think..." David stood and grinned as he picked up both of his swords.
The Girl: Excuse me? Weren’t you just lamenting how you were pathetic ONE LINE ago? YOU WERE BEING BATTERED AROUND LIKE A FUCKING RAG DOLL! THE ONLY REASON YOU’RE STILL ALIVE IF BECAUSE HE’S TOO FUCKING STUPID TO ATTACK WITH HIS FUCKIGN SWORD! AND NOW YOU’RE SUDDENLY BACK TO BEING ARROGANT AND COCKY AGAIN? YOU WERE FUCKING FEELING WORTHLESS ONE FUCKING SENTENCE AGO! WHAT IS THIS FUCKING SHIT?
Robin: Does he, perhaps, have some form of bipolar disorder or dissociative personality disorder? The change in attitude is far too rapid and complete for it to be anything else.
The Girl: Or it’s just bad writing. It’s pretty likely in this fic. Of course, the Stu can’t legitimately start questioning his competence and intelligence. That would get in the way of the Stuthor wanking. *Seethes*
Robin: Also, I must point out that he is fighting against a former Shichibukai, a very experienced pirate who has been in far more fights than him. I doubt he would be able to retrieve his weapons with so little fanfare. It seems to me that once you disarm your opponents, it would be very prudent to keep those weapons away. He was being thrown around the room a minute ago. It’s very unlikely that Tiburon will throw him anywhere near his weapons, or do nothing to stop him from regaining them.
The Girl: Oh, don’t worry. The Stuthor gave all the villains lobotomies in this story to ensure that they pose no threat whatsoever to the heroes. That fucking BITCH. *Takes a deep breath* I’m sorry for my outburst. I’ve seen so much of this shit last chapter…
Robin: I understand. I live around pirates. I’m not as sensitive towards curses as you might assume. Please feel free to vent your anger.
"You still stand?" Tiburon asked with a grin on his face.
The Girl: Instead of with his voice. *Snarls*
Robin: …Was it intentional for the villain to speak like a toddler? Those not intelligent enough to form coherent sentences usually don’t make it to the position of Shichibukai, after all.
The Girl: Look, this guy threw away his sword so he could punch someone, and was more than willing to wait around for the Stu to get ready before attacking. Comparing him to toddlers is just insulting. At least toddlers can be utterly vicious bastards when provoked.
"You have no idea..."
The Girl: What? What is he talking about?
Robin: It is even more apparent that the main character clearly has some form of mental disorder. His reply is completely unrelated to the question asked. Obviously, he is suffering some form of hallucination.
The Girl: And THAT is insulting people who have mental illnesses.
David used his swords to stand
Robin: Excuse me?
The Girl: *Stares* Don’t ask me. I have no idea either.
as he stared at Tiburon with intense eyes.
The Girl: *Snickers* Stared. That implies that you are shocked, or disbelieving. I think the word you’re looking for is ‘glared’. And thus, we have our third counter, ‘THESAURUS RAPE’. I think that speaks for itself. It’s when the Stuthor uses a word inappropriate because he wants to seem ‘literary’. I'll refrain from giving a counter for now, but I won't be nearly as forgiving next time.
Robin: I would imagine the effect would be somewhat lessened, seeing as he is apparently standing on swords. Granted, I have seen many…interesting gimmicks in my day, but that is just…
The Girl: You’re still trying to figure it out? Give up, nothing in this fic makes sense. The Stuthor’s just spasming on his keyboard, throwing a bunch of words together, hoping they make sense.
Robin: Clearly, he has failed miserably in his enterprise.
"Then I guess I should end this.."
The Girl: JUST NOW? YOU FINALLY REALISE YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO BE KILLING THIS GUY? WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU DOING ALL OF LAST CHAPTER? AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!
Robin: At least this will not be dragged out any further…
The Girl: *Huffs angrily* I wish…
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 2 (Another count just out of spite)
Tiburon threw off his robe
Robin: Forgive me, but how is stripping going to help him win a battle?
The Girl: If this Stuthor was actually competent, I would say that it was because robes tended to impede movement. They look awesome and all, but you really don’t want to be wearing them whilst fighting. However, he’s not. So I’ll just assume he subscribes to the Dragon Ball philosophy of ‘being naked makes you stronger!’
Robin: Even assuming that he removed his robe because of its impractically, it still makes no sense. He is a pirate. He has to sail around the seas and brave the elements. I can’t imagine someone with that kind of lifestyle wearing fancy robes. And if he did wear them, then he would remove them right at the start of the battle, not after the enemy has already stabbed him four times. It would be similar to trying to install sprinkler systems whilst a fire is ravaging your house.
The Girl: Well, I suppose so. But hey, you’re a pirate! And you wear leather miniskirts!
Robin: Ah, but I have a devil fruit power which makes climbing riggings and hauling canvas practically effortless.
The Girl: *Blushes* Uh…This is kind of a rude question…but aren’t those clothes uncomfortable? They look like they’d chafe a lot…
Robin: *Sincerely* No, not at all. Leather, when cured properly, can be quite flexible.
revealing his large and muscular self,
The Girl: *Stares, then bursts out into hysterical laughter* I am pretty sure I’ve NEVER seen that description, except in bad porn.
Robin: *Raises eyebrows* Interesting.
The Girl: *Collapses in laughter*
"You ready to die?"
The Girl: AND WHAT IF HE ISN’T FUCKING READY? IF YOU’VE RESOLVED TO ‘END’ THIS, THEN JUST GET ON TO IT! WE’VE HAD TO SIT THROUGH THREE FUCKING CHAPTERS OF FILLER ALREADY! CUT THE FUCKING BANTER OUT!
Robin: *Shakes head* If this is really what the author thinks pirates do when they decide to kill someone…well, I hope he never meets an actual pirate.
The Girl: You do? Personally, I wish he would meet one. I wish he would meet an entire crew. An entire batshit crazy, bloodthirsty crew.
Robin: Well, ignorance doesn’t quite warrant death…
The Girl: They enslaved a little girl. That is all you have to know.
Robin: *Raises eyebrows* I see.
"I don't know, today doesn't feel like a good day to die." David commented, "But you can try."
The Girl: I would like to remind you that THIS is what the Stuthor considers witty banter. He honestly thinks this is funny.
Robin: It’s almost sad in a pathetic way, like when you watch an overturned turtle flop around…
The Girl: *Stares* That…was a bit unsettling…but okay.
David rushed at Tiburon who stood there and raised his blade.
The Girl: OH, NOW HE STARTS USING HIS FREAKING SWORD!
"Shark Rage!"
Robin: I beg your pardon?
The Girl: I dunno. The Stuthor has a ridiculous fetish for stupid names, and he will stop at nothing to shove as many in as possible. Just…get used to it. We’ll see a lot more of those.
Tiburon swung his blade down and David side stepped it with his Haki,
Robin: Haki? Excuse me, but how does a rookie pirate have Haki? Even if he does have an affinity for it, how would he know about it, much less be trained enough to proficiently use it in combat? There aren’t that many Haki instructors in East Blue.
The Girl: Oh, he’s a Stu, so he was born having every single power there is to have in One Piece. And yes, I am serious. Also, Tiburon swung his blade down? You mean, by ‘raised his blade’, you meant he raised it all the way above his head? Exposing his entire torso? Whilst an enemy is running straight at him? And he just stood there, with all of his vital organs nicely undefended? And even though he has clearly made a determination to step the game up and start getting serious…his battle tactics haven’t changed at all, and he is just as competent as before? So…what was the point of having him declare that, then? What is the purpose if nothing is going to change anyways? Last, YOU MEAN WE HAVE ANOTHER ONE OF THESE GODDAMNED ACTION SCENES? DIDN’T YOU THINK THREE IN A FUCKING ROW FROM LAST CHAPTER WAS FUCKING ENOUGH? DID YOU SERIOUSLY THINK THIS SEQUENCE WAS SO SCINTILLATING THAT IT DESERVED TO BE SHOWN TWELVE TIMES IN EIGHT FUCKING CHAPTERS? ARGH!
Robin: I also find it immensely implausible that a rookie pirate who has barely left his hometown can evade the attack of a former Shichibukai so easily. The only explanation is that the author has never met a Shichibukai before, and does not understand the level of strength and intelligence they must possess to achieve that position.
The Girl: He doesn’t understand anything. Hell, he doesn’t even understand why desecrating the corpses of your enemies is bad. …Or I hope it was misunderstanding that led to that scene…because if he deliberately wrote it whilst knowing how…unsavoury it was…*Shudders*
he then roundhouse kicked Tiburon's blade out of his hand,
The Girl: As the Shark King did absolutely nothing to stop him.
slashed Tiburon's chest
The Girl: *Holds head* Gah! I hate that verb! You’re desecrating slash every time you use it, and that’s unforgivable!
and spartan kicked him in the chest.
The Girl: *Stony silence* I refuse to comment on the stupidity of…THAT.
Robin: If he were indeed such a ferocious fighter that he succeeded in doing all of this before a former Shichibukai had the time to react…why is the fight still ongoing? Why did he not do this to begin with?
The Girl: Because padding. The Stuthor wants to seem impressive because OOH, HIS STORY HAS OVER FIFTY CHAPTERS! OOH! *Disgust* He’s still not even trying here. He has two freaking swords. The Shark King is apparently doing nothing to defend himself. And instead of just stabbing him in the heart, he freaking kicks him. WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO ACCOMPLISH? HOW IS THAT GOING TO HELP ANYTHING?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 3
"Grr..."
The Girl: *Screams*
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 3
Tiburon growled.
The Girl: AS IMPLIED BY THE FUCKING ONOMATOPOEIA YOU JUST USED! God…going from imitating Meyer to Paolini isn’t really that much of an improvement…And I’m going to start up the ‘Department of Redundancy Department’ count. For when things are redundant. You know, when they repeat themselves…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 1
Robin: Excuse me, but he has just been cut in the chest, hasn’t he? If his opponent was anywhere near serious in trying to end the fight, that should not be his reaction. He is acting annoyed, which isn’t usually how people respond to potentially life threatening injuries.
The Girl: *Shakes head* I almost didn’t notice with all the handholding going on…Anyways, here’s our third counter. ‘Faux Made Of Iron’. It’s where the Stuthor completely misses the point of the Made Of Iron trope, and have characters dismiss fatal injuries, because he’s clearly never been mortally injured himself.
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 1
"Don't relax just yet!"
The Girl: HE WAS FUCKING GROWLING! HE WAS PISSED OFF! WHAT IN HIM TOLD YOU THAT HE’S GOING TO RELAX?
Robin: These characters talk far too much during an action scene. I refuse to believe they can perform some of these manoeuvres and speak at the same time.
The Girl: They’re Stus. It’s pretty much their duty to rape reality up the ass. By the way, nice going warning him of your attack there. It’s disgusting, really, how no one ever takes advantage of this.
David jumped in the air
The Girl: And we have our fourth counter, ‘SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME’. This is where someone uses a ridiculously fancy move, when a simpler one will suffice, just because the Stuthor wants to show off. Two counts every time they jump into the air to do it.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 2
and lunged with one sword.
The Girl: Yes, using only one sword when you have two, nothing could possibly go wrong.
Robin: Somehow, I have the feeling that nothing will.
The Girl: Because the goddamned Stuthor is a WIMP!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 4
Tiburon crossed his arms only getting one sword in his arm,
The Girl: …Can anyone explain to me why he didn’t just step out of the way? David apparently floated in air long enough to deliver that line up there. And the Shark King has displayed the ability to move faster than the eye could blind, so…why is he just stupidly putting his arms in front of himself?
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 5
Robin: I also much mention this…of course, he only had one sword in his arm. You only attacked with one. Were you expecting a second one to appear out of the ether and impale him?
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 2
Robin: Also, the wording of that sentence was very poor. It sounds as though Tiburon is scooping up swords with his arm…which I am sure is not your intention.
The Girl: Yeah, yeah, bad writing. Trust me, after a while, you won’t even notice it anymore…
David then used the other to stab Tiburon's shoulder..
Robin: Excuse me? How does that work?
The Girl: I…have no idea. And I love how, despite having then Shark King at his mercy AGAIN, he still only stabs his SHOULDER. Not his heart, or anything. BECAUSE THIS GODDAMNED ACTION SCENE IS STILL NOT LONG ENOUGH.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 6
"Grr..." Tiburon continued to growl in anger.
Robin: *Eyes widen minutely* I believe that’s the worst sentence yet.
The Girl: …Actually, that might be the worst sentence EVER, outside of Twilight, that is…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 4 (One for telling us he was growling, and one for telling us that he was angry)
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 4
FAUX MADE OF IRON: 2 (No, that is not how people react to being stabbed in the shoulder. Even genuinely Made of Iron Zoro have a more realistic reaction)
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 7 (For just sitting there, growling, instead of strangling the SOB whilst he was in close range)
The Girl: *Looks up* Wow, that’s bad…
Robin: *Slowly shakes head* I cannot fathom how you managed to read seven chapters of this. And I begin to appreciate why you are unwilling to do it alone.
The Girl: *Tight smile* Thank you.
"Ha!"
The Girl: Seriously, I have no idea what that is there for. As annoying as the ‘Guah’ and the ‘Grr’ were, at least they indicated an emotion. Here…I honestly have no idea what the Stu is doing. Oh well…
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 5
David landed behind Tiburon,
Robin: *Baffled* When did he jump into the air?
The Girl: *Squints* I believe the Stuthor wants us to believe…that the Stu has remained in the air since he first jumped. All of that happened whilst the Stu was raping gravity up the ass.
Robin: But if he was airborne and had no leverage…how did he manage to stab the Shark King twice without getting knocked out of the air? In fact, how on earth did he remain there in-
The Girl: Forgive me for interrupting, but as I said, Stus rape the laws of reality for a living. Just…up the count, and move on.
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 3
he then spartan kicked him in the back once more sending him flying forwards.
The Girl: INSTEAD OF STABBING HIM IN THE FUCKING HEART WHILST HIS BACK IS TURNED! GAH!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 8
Robin: And we really must start up a count for stupidity displayed by the opponents of the main characters. A former Shichibukai has far too much expertise in battle to let an enemy have his back…or to attempt nothing to fight back even as he is battered. Any sane pirate would have ended this battle a long time ago. The only reason both of these characters are still alive is because the other is the most idiotic moron I have ever seen.
The Girl: Well, yes. But then we’d have to up the count every sentence or two…not that we’re not doing that already…
"Hmph..." Tiburon grunted
The Girl: *String of obscenities*
Robin: *Mildly* I quite agree.
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 5
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 6
as he pulled out the sword,
Robin: *Confused* What sword? Wasn’t his sword kicked aside a few moments ago?
The Girl: *Jaw drops* …It’s worse. That…I think that is meant to be DAVID’S sword. As in, after he stabbed the Shark King in the arm and shoulder…he didn’t bother pulling them back out. He just left them there. And left himself unarmed. And now his opponent has access to his weapons. I…I think we need to start a Too Dumb To Live count.
TOO DUMB TO LIVE: 1
"Shark's Rampage!" Tiburon rushed at David
Robin: No matter how you look at it, these names are still rather…unimpressive. If anyone tried it in a fight with me, there will be much laughter on my part. Further, doesn’t this author know any other way of describing a character running towards another character? Even if he was to use the term ‘rushed’, it should be ‘rushed towards’, not ‘rushed at’. And that term does not have quite the implications of a hostile attack…
The Girl: You know, it’s almost refreshing sporking with someone who’s not yet used to the bad writing…Most other sporkers just ignore it by now.
and kneed him in the chest.
The Girl: He has two swords. In his hands. And his opponent apparently isn’t making any effort to protect himself. And he chose to attack with his KNEE. *Facepalm*
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 9
The Girl: And I do have to wonder…how does a fairly ordinary attack warrant such a melodramatic name? What, does he name all of his punches as well? And why didn’t he shout this name the other hundred times he knees someone? If you want to be stupid, at least be CONSISTENTLY stupid!
Robin: Frankly, if you have to knee someone, there’s a much better target than the chest. It’s even on the right level too…
The Girl: …Thank you for that input.
Robin: You’re very welcome. By the way, is it just me, or does this sound…well, not very like a fight to the death? They almost seem to be engaged in some form of strange ritual. If one of them is attacking, the other almost never makes any effort to dodge, defend themselves, or take advantage of any openings and launch counterattacks. They simply take the attack, wait until their opponent is done, and then take their turn to do the same. In fact, they even seem to be going out of their way to prevent any lasting damage to be done…
The Girl: Well, ignoring the fact that one of them got stabbed six times, and is only alive through authorial intervention…yeah, it does sound like they’re going at some weird S&M ritual…*Pauses* Excuse me, I have to go vomit my guts out.
"Guah!"
Robin: *Writes down tallies* Are you quite alright?
The Girl: *Vomiting in a corner* Oh, I’m fine…not the first time I’ve had to do this.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 8
David coughed blood,
The Girl: *Raises head wearily for a while* Coughed blood? That speaks of a pretty serious injury. Seriously, coughing blood is not just a cliché sign for ‘internal damage’. It means your organs are so wrecked that blood is flowing in your lungs now. That is pretty fatal, you know. In the One Piece verse, there won’t be many doctors who can cure that.
Robin: Ah. So he won’t be impeded by the injury at all, or need any medical attention, and in fact, the injury makes him stronger in battle?
The Girl: *Weak smile* You know your anime clichés, alright.
but was soon cut off by an elbow to the back.
Robin: …What happened there?
The Girl: You’d think an elbow to the back would make him cough MORE blood, not magically heal internal injuries!
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 10 (You’re right behind your enemy, and he isn’t fighting back. And all you’re going to do is to elbow him?)
Robin: Ah. I believe David doubled over after the attack…which makes no sense, seeing as you double over when you are kneed in the stomach. A blunt force applied to the chest would tip him backwards. And really, if your character is performing an action, you should tell us what it is. Especially when the next character’s actions hinge on it so much. Can’t we do a count for general bad writing?
The Girl: Nah. Having a count go up to the millions in the first chapter is just a tad ridiculous.
"Ahh!"
The Girl: *Wearily put down tallies* God…how long have we been here? It feels like forever…
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 9
The Girl: And I find it amusing that he barely has a reaction to other attacks so far, including being thrown off a building, but an elbow in the back reduces him to screaming like a cheap horror movie protagonist.
"Haha!" Tiburon laughed
The Girl: Seriously, Paolini’s prose is not something to be copied! *Shakes head* If I ever find out he’s in the One Piece fandom before publishing Eragon…
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 6
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 10
as he then grabbed David by the back of his neck and raised him in the air. He dropped him kneed him in the stomach with one knee, then followed with the other. Each time David would float back up a little, and when he came down another knee pushed him up. Then finally Tiburon kicked him right in his solarplexis sending him flying through the wall of moslieum.
The Girl: That was uninterrupted for your enjoyment. Feel free to rant yourself. I…I can’t muster up anything anymore.
Robin: *Jaw drops momentarily* I…did not conceive that such level of stupidity was within the reach of men…
The Girl: Never underestimate Stuthors. Mantra said that once, I think. Thing can always get worse.
JUST KILL HIM, DAMMIT: 11 (Do I even need to explain this?)
SHUT UP, I’M AWESOME: 4 (Just because it’s not the Stus showing off, doesn’t mean it doesn’t count)
DEPARTMENT OF REDUNDANCY DEPARTMENT: 7 (For using 69 words to describe, ‘he kicked David around like a football.’)
"Tsk...humans."
Robin: …I don’t understand. What is he complaining about, exactly? He sounds as though he is disappointed by the weakness of humans…however, David impaled him six times, and would have killed him if not for the blatant disregard of reality on the part of the Stuthor. Furthermore, we don’t get any indication that David really is out for the count. Given the amount of things he endured without so much as a second glance before, however stupid it was, I wouldn’t assume that would put him out cold. In fact, he kicked David across the room as his last move, giving David plenty of time and space to collect himself and get back up again. And if David was indeed knocked out…well, I don’t see the problem. He was an infiltrator, bent upon usurping Tiburon’s power. You would think he would be delighted in having gotten rid of the pest.
The Girl: Not to mention, he has never shown contempt for human before. This…pretty much just comes out of nowhere. I don’t see any reason for it, except to make him an ever closer clone of Arlong. It’s a trait copied off an AWESOME canon character, solely because the Stuthor is incapable of writing awesome characters of his own…not that he tries…not that he succeeds, despite the disgusting level of plagiarism.
ONOMATOPOEIAS ARE COOL: 10 (I know it’s valid to use ‘tsk’ in dialogue, but I’m feeling unforgiving)
Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 2
Go Back to: Chapter 7, Part 2