Rebecca Sherwood and the Sorceror's Stone: Chapter 7 - Detention (Part 2):
Hagrid led us into the forest, the five of staying in a tight group behind him as we walked.
Mantra: Like a school of piranha fish, they take turns in shredding canon until no sign of it remains…
It was eerie in the forest,
Nagare: Of course, description requires FAR too much effort. Nope, we should just take your word for it instead.
Mantra: Your blindingly redundant words.
and I understood the obvious nearing behind it's name,
Nagare: Nearing?
Mantra: Clearly, proofreading is FAR too much effort too.
Nagare: And you JUST understood its name NOW? What, you thought they gave the place such an ominous name for shits and giggles? Were you expecting rainbows and unicorns? Just how stupid are you?
it was nearly pitch black besides the small bits of moonlight that the trees let in, and Hagrid's lantern.
Mantra: In which case it wasn’t pitch black. YOU IDIOT.
Nagare: And what’s that comma doing there? Seriously, what is up with you and commas, Suethor?
Hagrid came to a stop near a fallen tree, where he leaned down and put his fingers into a small pool of something silvery, which I hoped wasn't unicorn blood.
Mantra: Oh, stop bullshitting. You know it’s unicorn blood because your precious Suethor read ahead, and is determined to strip every moment of suspense and mystery from this book because that is for PUSSIES.
Nagare: *Snorts* You’re STILL trying to play the genius angle? It’s not working. Particularly not a one line after you admitted you didn’t know what ‘Forbidden’ meant.
"Hagrid, what is that?" Harry asked beside me.
Mantra: Of course, she must make sure that the audience knows just how ignorant the canon characters are, so we can appreciate her true greatness and bow down and love her and despair, blah blah blah.
Nagare: And it doesn’t work, because Harry’s ignorance of the world around him allowed a chance for exposition, so that the readers aren’t lost. As well, it makes us sympathise and relate to him, because we feel the same amazement and confusion as him as aspects of the Wizarding World are explained.
Mantra: Darling, if you fail basic reading comprehension so hard, it might not be a good idea to try to write a character who’s ostensibly smart.
"What we're here for.
Mantra: (Hagrid) I’D RATHER DROWN MYSELF IN MERCURY THAN ALLOW MY CHARACTERISATION TO BE RAPED!
See that?" he asked, holding up his fingers up for us to see the silvery liquid dripping off of them.
Nagare: Silvery liquid…just come out and fucking say it. It’s not like you’re trying to maintain suspense. This is all about how right and OMG GENIUS your Sue is, so why even bother? *Heaves sigh*
"That's unicorn blood, that is.
Mantra: Of fucking course.
Nagare: Is anyone even surprised?
Mantra: If the Suethor’s goal was to destroy every emotionally poignant scene in Harry Potter, then she’s succeeding marvellously.
I found one dead a few weeks ago.
Mantra: (Hagrid) *Bitterly* The lucky bastard. At least he escaped the Sue’s clutches.
Now, this one's been hurt bad by something.
Mantra: I say it’s the Sue. BURN THE WITCH!!!
So, it's our job to go and find the poor beast,"
Nagare: Aaaaand the Suethor skips over where Harry sees a cloaked figure, the first sign that things are going horribly wrong here.
Mantra: Foreshadowing is just too much work! Even when it was right there for her to copy-paste.
Nagare: It’s almost like she’s making a conscious effort to make this suck.
I shivered.
Mantra: Oh, you poor widdle thing. The unicorn’s suffering has NOTHING on your poor nerves!
Nagare: Oh yeah, you’re the only person scared/revolted here! Who the fuck cares about the canon characters when we can listen to you whine about YOUR delicate sensibilities?
"Ron, Hermione, you'll come with me," Hagrid pointed at them.
"Okay," Ron whined.
Mantra: FUCK YOU, SUETHOR. FUCK YOU.
Nagare: Oh, so when you’re frightened by what’s happening, you’re being a trembling Victorian flower which the audience must fawn upon, and yet when Ron does the same, he’s being a whiny bitch? I’m afraid I must echo Mantra’s sentiments.
"Harry and Rebecca, you'll go with Malfoy,"
Mantra: Well, at least we’ll have the Draco/Harry shippers on our side. The Sue’s just intruded on a pretty UST-laden scene, I believe.
Nagare: Her agenda is so transparent in this, it’s almost pathetic. All the characters she’s bashed, whether outright or through implication, are lumped together, while she gets to team up with two of central male characters who are both labelled very desirable in the fandom.
Mantra: I wouldn’t be surprised if this turned into a threesome by the end of this scene.
Nagare: I would. It’d require the Suethor not copy-pasting.
I scrunched my nose and looked over at Malfoy
Mantra: Oh, so Malfoy is a nasty little snot that must be shown his place when he sneers at you, and yet when you do the same to him, we're meant to cheer you on? Just what makes you better than him, huh?
Nagare: *Shakes head* Is there a single canon character that she DOESN’T bash? It’s amazing; she even snidely insinuates that her love interest, Harry, is stupid. What’s the point of writing in a fandom if all you feel is contempt towards every single character?
who looked at me in fright.
Mantra: Oh yeah, Malfoy is CLEARLY terrified by a little first year girl who’s nothing but a tagalong to Harry’s gang. Nope, he’s not intimidated by his environment; the Sue is JUST THAT AWESOME.
Nagare: What’s she going to do? Copy-paste him?
"Okay, then I get Fang!" Malfoy exclaimed.
Nagare: I love the implication that Malfoy is proposing that he team up with Fang, while Harry has to deal with Rebecca.
Mantra: Of course. Fang is AWESOME. Also, exclaim? I don’t think that’s the right context for the word.
Nagare: It’s most often used to express surprise or protest, so yeah, not exactly completely right here.
"Fine," Hagrid sighed. "Just so you know… he's bloody coward,"
Mantra: Better than the Sue. At least he won’t turn around and bite his friends.
At that Fang made a moaning sound and walk up to me, smelling at my face.
Nagare: Even the dog whines about having to go with her.
Mantra: Fang has Awesome taste. We should totally recruit him as a Sue-detecting dog, you know. Like those dogs they have in airports, except cooler.
Nagare: If he bites her face off, I’ll consider that proposal.
"No you aren't are you boy?"
Nagare: Oh, what, you’ve been sticking commas EVERYWHERE, just so you can stop using them when they’re meant to be used? COMMAS AREN’T THAT HARD TO FIGURE OUT!
I asked smiling at him as I petted at him.
Mantra: *Chanting* BITE HER! BITE HER! BITE HER!
"That's right, Sherwood, make friends with the animals," Malfoy murmured
Nagare: *Blinks* …Was that meant to be an INSULT?
Mantra: Oh, come on! You can do better than that, Malfoy. How about, ‘Wow, I can’t tell who’s supposed to be the dog here’? Or even, ‘Gee, aren’t you acting like a bitch in heat’!
as he walked past me to grab a lantern, knocking his shoulder into mine.
Nagare: Oh wow. He’s being SO mean. He walked into her without apologising, TEH HORROR!
Mantra: Of course, she uses the Sue cliché of making all villains ineffectual clowns. It’s not like they’re there to create conflict, oh heavens no! They’re just there to make the Sue look good, and that means being even more pathetic than her.
Nagare: A hard task to achieve in this fic.
"And who will Fang bite first if we're attacked?" I asked rhetorically.
Mantra: If he still has a brain left, YOU.
Nagare: The thing attacking, I would assume. I don’t see how he can improve his situation by biting his allies; and he is quite a smart dog, as I’m lead to believe.
Mantra: But it’s very appropriate, I have to say, that the Sue is kissing up Fang just to save her own skin, the coward. She’s not doing it out of companionship and affection, like the main trio are; she’s just trying to cover her ass.
Harry smiled at me
Mantra: (Harry) Oh, look at that thing. It thinks it’s being SMART.
and followed after Malfoy,
Nagare: Suethor, Harry is sticking close to MALFOY in favour of having to stay with the Sue. I don’t think he thinks of her as a FRIEND.
Mantra: Well, either that or we’re about to see some hot man-sex.
Nagare: *Flatly* They’re eleven.
Mantra: She won’t be the first Suethor to do a time warp!
leaving me to follow, Fang on my tail (Ha ha, no).
Mantra: STOP IT WITH THE FUCKING PARENTHISES, YOU AREN’T BEING WITTY OR FUNNY. YOU’RE BEING FUCKING ANNOYING AND JARRING THE READERS OUT OF WHATEVER MINISCULE MODICUM OF A STORY THERE IS. AND BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL IS MY FUCKING SHTICK, DAMMIT, AND I’LL DEFEND IT TO DEATH!
Nagare: And all it says, Suethor, is that you have a sick, twisted mind and a seriously misplaced sense of priority. Oh, that and you can’t think beyond yourself.
Mantra: And that you’re an ATTENTION WHORE who can’t stand being forgotten for ONE SECOND, and must constantly remind the audience that you’re there with your obnoxious, meaningless little Author’s Notes.
Nagare: Unless that’s the internal narration of the Sue, in which case not only have you ruined the mood, but you have also written about an eleven year old thinking about bestiality, which is almost Neil territory.
I quickly walked up beside Harry and pulled out my wand
Mantra: “Surprise!” Rebecca said as she boned-
Nagare: That’ll be enough, thank you.
looking about.
"Lumos," I whispered,
Mantra: And her wand exploded as it refused to destroy the creepy mood and helpless atmosphere created in the book.
instantly the tip of my wand began to glow brightly, lighting the path better than the lantern Malfoy held.
Nagare: The bastard Malfoy. He’s so pathetic that even his lantern doesn’t shine that bright. If the perfect, wonderful, BEAUTIFUL Sue was holding it, you bet it’d shine brighter than the sun!
Mantra: Oh yeah? Then why didn't you pull out that charm when HAGRID was leading you with a flimsy lantern? Face it, all you're doing is showing off and being a smug little bitch.
"Wait till my father hears about this! This is servant stuff," Malfoy exclaimed as Harry and I caught up to him.
Mantra: I’ve always wondered about that, you know. What part of it was servant stuff, I mean. Do the Malfoys have a team of servants whose jobs are to investigate unicorn murders? Because I would SO read a fic about that.
"Running to daddy again, Malfoy?" I murmured, which got me a glare from him.
Nagare: And a rightfully earned one, too, since he’s never relied much on his father before in this fic, because the Suethor get a hard-on from badly cutting together scenes, leaving only the most important ones out.
Mantra: And, to be perfectly fair, this is a fairly hazardous detention that first years should probably not be on. After all, apparently, only the most foul and psychopathic souls murder unicorns.
"If I didn't know better Draco, I'd say you were scared," Harry tried, getting Malfoy's attention off of me.
Mantra: Yep, we’re definitely going to have the support of Draco/Harry shippers. She’s just turned the legitimately Awesome snark from Harry all about HER. Because, after all, the canon characters can’t have allegiances and rivalries outside of her! Nooooo, she must be the centre of the universe! So Harry OBVIOUSLY isn’t saying this because Malfoy is a jerk to his friends! Nope, it’s all about protecting the Sue!
Nagare: I propose we interpret this scene as Harry being jealous that Malfoy isn’t looking at HIM, and is trying to initiate hate sex with him and exclude the Sue from the conversation at the same time. It would fit the exact wording of the text, after all.
Mantra: That is an awesome suggestion and we should have celebratory sex.
"Scared, Potter," he said as if it were silly, but then jumped as an owl hooted somewhere off.
Mantra: Unfortunately, my writer doesn’t have the DVD to the movie, so she can’t check, but on the transcript she found, the sound is clearly described as a HOWL, not an owl hooting.
Nagare: But hey, what’s bending canon a little when you can bash characters your author doesn’t like?
"Did you hear that?" he asked as Harry and I continued past.
Mantra: Onwards! Towards badly-written, harlequin romance!
"Come on, Fang!" I called back to him until I felt his side pressed against my hip.
Nagare: …Having just read the horrible bestiality joke the Suethor just made, this sentence does not amuse me in the least.
Mantra: And how wonderful that she keeps writing this as though she were in complete darkness, describing only sensations that didn’t relate to sight, and yet still claiming that she’s using her wand to illuminate the area. *Shakes head* How can you fail this hard without making a conscious effort?
"Scared!" Malfoy scoffed.
Mantra: Darling, you’re just a tad late with that delivery. You were supposed to say it two lines ago.
Nagare: I guess the Suethor felt that bit was so good that it deserved being seen twice.
After a while more of walking,
Nagare: *Holds head* The grammar burns. How is that even possible?
Malfoy just dropped the arm holding the lantern and let it
Mantra: -drop with a splat onto the ground.
swing at his side, letting me light the way.
Nagare: And that’s all you’re good for in this fic - being a human flashlight.
Mantra: A human flashlight that isn’t even needed. The two got by quite well in canon, with just the lantern.
I rolled my eyes at his laziness
Nagare: No, dear, we call that pragmatism. After all, his lantern isn’t contributing anything, so there’s no point in continuing to hold it aloft and tire himself out. That is called being SMART.
Mantra: Makes sense she wouldn’t understand it then.
and led the way, Harry and Fang close beside me.
Mantra: Good. They have all the necessary ingredients to a nice little threesome.
After we came to a clearing in the trees, with vines flowing over the ground, I felt Fang vibrate against my leg,
Mantra: Vibrate? OH MY GOD, HE’S A WEREWOLF FROM TWILIGHT! OH GOD, KILL IT WITH FIRE!
Nagare: I- what- I…Just…WHAT?
Mantra: Either that or the Sue’s lust for Fang manifested as accidental magic and he’s been turned into a literal sex toy!
Nagare: …I’m starting to agree with you here. We need booze in this chamber.
and the begin to growl louder.
Nagare: …I wonder if it’d be worthwhile to just stab myself and get this over with…
Mantra: Think about it. If you’re dead, you won’t get to kill the Sue.
Nagare: True. Damn.
"What is it, Fang?" I asked quietly.
Mantra: (Fang) Oh, nothing yet, but when I start glowing blue, it means Orcs are nearby.
Then I saw it. Up ahead a cloak figure was hunched over the dead body of a white unicorn.
Nagare: What, instead of a neon purple unicorn?
Mantra: It was a Sporker, and they had FINALLY managed to kill off Jamie Zacherley in her Animagus form! HOORAY!
I could hear the sound of sucking and slurping which made my penis grow hard stomach flip uncomfortably.
Nagare: MANTRA! What have you done?
Mantra: *Blinks innocently*
Beside me, Harry's hand flew to his forehead as he hissed in pain.
Mantra: Watch out! He’s going to give birth to the Spear of Longinus!
The Voice: In retrospect, having her watch Neon Genesis Evangelion was probably a bad decision.
The sound must have alerted… it,
Nagare: Of course it’s all Harry’s fault. You can’t do anything wrong!
Mantra: Oh yeah, that bastard Harry, how DARE he feel pain from his scar? How dare the love his mother left for him warn him against evil? Doesn’t he see that he’s harshing your buzz?
because it looked up at us and growled.
Mantra: (Voldemort) RAWR! FEAR MY WRATH, RAWR!
"AH!" Draco screamed and took off with fang,
Nagare: A literal fang, apparently, seeing as the name isn’t capitalised.
Mantra: He’d better not turn out to be a vampire. I’ve had enough of THOSE kinds of stories.
leaving Harry and I with the hooded figure
Mantra: (Sue) *Coyly* Now that we’re all alone, how about some fun, eh?
as it floated upward, as if it were standing.
Nagare: …Okay, this might be a radical theory but…what if it WAS standing?
Mantra: *Gasp!* Well, either that or the Suethor’s ripping off Kickassia. Same difference.
Harry and I both slowly began to walk backwards
Mantra: Oh yeah, take your time! It’s not like anything important is happening!
Nagare: Harry in canon was at least stunned, and when he did try to flee, he tripped!
Mantra: Looks like our theory is correct. Just by existing, the Sue is draining the intelligence of everyone around her.
as the thing stepped, or floated, over the unicorns body and made it's way toward us.
Mantra: I don’t think I’ve read a less threatening description of a villain since James from Twilight.
Nagare: Slightly worse in this case in my opinion, because of that unnecessary apostrophe shoved in there.
"Stupefy!" I yelled, flicking my wand as the spell flew at the figure.
Mantra: “Aveda Kedavra!” I countered. Seeing as we’re pulling spells out of our asses to make ourselves look more awesome, I thought I’d join the party.
Nagare: As? That means the two events are happening simultaneously, dear. I don’t care how quickly you flicked that wand, the spell isn’t flying anywhere until you’ve performed all the necessary motions. And I don't recall the Stupety charm requiring a flicking motion either...
But before the spell hit, the figure lifted it's arm and deflected it,
Mantra: Nope, it can’t do that. Rowling said it herself; controlled wandless magic is a no-no. And that’s still Quirrel under the cloak, you know, flesh and blood and all.
Nagare: It seems like she’s more determined than ever to make the ending of this fic a complete asspull.
and continued to walk toward us.
Mantra: Didn’t you JUST say he was FLOATING?
Nagare: Short-term memory is for losers, clearly.
Suddenly, Harry fell, and grabbed my arm, forcing me down with him
Mantra: (Sue) -and began making passionate love to me.
Nagare: MANTRA!
Mantra: What? It’s not like she wouldn’t do it! There’s no such thing as time and place anyway!
over the root as I heard the sound of hooves coming from behind us.
Mantra: *Rolls eyes* And I bet she’ll charm the hell out of the centaurs too.
Nagare: I’m going to hope they kick her to death.
Mantra: You do that. You’re always to optimistic.
I looked up in time to see a centaur jump over us and charge at the figure for it to flee.
Nagare: The syntax! I need to cut something!
Mantra: *Throws her an apple* Oh yay. The thrill. The wonder. This passage is so imbued with pathos.
Harry and I stood slowly watching
Nagare: How the hell do you watch slowly?
Mantra: By being stupid, I would imagine.
as the centaur walked toward us, watching Harry particularly.
Nagare: See? No one cares about you. No one wants you here. Now why don’t you get the fuck out and save us all the trouble?
"Harry Potter, you and your friend must leave.
Mantra: (Firenze) We are sick of you contaminating our canon. If you do not comply, we shall have to summon Sporkers.
You are known to many creatures here.
Nagare: (Firenze) And so is your weakness. *Brandishes Spork*
The Forest is not safe at this time. Especially for you,"
Mantra: (Firenze) Actually, it is not safe at any time. For you. We would appreciate it if you stopped coming here. We find you annoying.
"But what was that thing you saved us from?" Harry asked.
Nagare: (Firenze) Save you? Oh, I have no begun to save you yet. (Stomps Sue to death) There. I just saved you from one of the greatest threats to this universe.
"A monstrous creature," the centaur sighed
Mantra: (Firenze) One who roams fandoms with only the wish to subjugate and collect worship and adulation.
before turning to look at the dead unicorn.
Mantra: (Firenze) At least we’ve all rid ourselves of a preachy nudist. I guess there’s that.
"It is a terrible crime to slay a unicorn.
Nagare: Unless that unicorn is the direct reason Hogwarts Exposed exists.
Mantra: Oh god, she had you read it TOO?
Nagare: It’s a trial all Sporkers have to pass through, or so I’m told.
Drinking the blood of a unicorn will keep you alive even if you are an inch from death. But at a terrible price.
Mantra: (Firenze) You shall become a slave unto Jamie-Sue and be reduced to a nudist and lust object within one chapter.
For you have slain something so pure that the moment the blood touches your lips
Nagare: (Firenze) You will be burned like the Sues and Stus you are, by a canon untarnished.
you have a half-life,
Mantra: (Firenze) Some, unfortunately, mistakenly come to this forest to hunt unicorns, thinking they would get free video games.
a cursed life,"
Nagare: That sounds like the name to a pretentious art-house movie.
Mantra: Or a C-grade movie destined for MST3K.
Nagare: Is there a difference?
Mantra: Not any that matters.
"But who would choose such a life?" I asked quietly.
Mantra: (Sue) LOOK AT MEEEEEEEE! WHY IS NO ONE PAYING ATTENTION TO ME? THIS SCENE MUST NOT GO ON UNTIL I HAVE PISSED ALL OVER IT! ME, ME, ME, ME, ME!!!!
"Can you think of no one?" the centaur asked.
Nagare: (Sue) Well, I’m pretty sure I could, except for how I don’t have a brain.
"You mean to say that thing that killed the unicorn, that was drinking its blood, that was Voldemort?" Harry asked, making my eyes widened.
Mantra: And in the end, it’s still fucking Harry who draws the conclusion. Who’s a genius again?
Nagare: Like you said, it’s not like she hijacked that line for any other reason than to shove herself into a scene where she isn’t wanted.
I had just tried to Stupefy Voldemort? No wonder it didn't work.
Mantra: What a narcissistic BITCH! The ONLY reason your spell wouldn’t work is if your opponent is literally the most powerful wizard of his time? If it had been ANYONE other than the fucking DARK LORD himself, you most certainly have won? There’s no way someone can block a spell from someone as powerful as a Hogwarts first-year student, unless they were fucking VOLDEMORT himself?
Nagare: Well, that and if it had worked, the Suethor can’t copy-paste anymore. Oh, also, we can’t have you being useful. Protagonist that contribute towards the plot is for losers.
"Do you know what is hidden in the school at this very moment, Mr. Potter?" the centaur asked, bending down so that he was eye to eye with Harry.
Nagare: Translation: I’m talking with Harry Potter, dammit, stop trying to get into the conversation. I’m not interested in you. Butt out.
Mantra: At least she’s following movie canon, so she won’t ride Firenze. If that happened, I’ll be contractually obligated to jump in there right now and perform a very bloody and long extermination.
"The Sorcerer's Stone," Harry said. Making both of our eyes widen.
Nagare: Well, looks like we’re right back on schedule then, with the Sue doing nothing but copying canon characters, hoping that would make it seem as though she freaking belonged in the scene.
Mantra: Yep. Are you going to eat that apple?
Nagare: No. Why?
Mantra: *Snatches apple and bites into it*
At the sound of Fang's bark I looked up to see that the cavalry had arrived,
Mantra: Oh, thinking about horse-riding in the same scene as conversing with a centaur? You’re not doing a very good job hiding your prejudice there, darling.
Nagare: What do you mean cavalry? It’s not like you’re in any danger at this point! Firenze already saved you! Unless you’re implying that he’s DANGEROUS, because oh noes, he’s a magical creature?
Mantra: Like I said, not hiding that bigotry very well, is she?
Hagrid and all.
Mantra: -the king’s horses and all the king’s men couldn't put canon back together again...
Nagare: *Weird look*
"Harry! Rebecca!" Hermione yelled down to us.
Mantra: Oh, lookie there. Who’s your knight in shining armour? HERMIONE. Teaches you to bad mouth her, doesn’t it? Because she’s the one wiping your ass when you stumble into trouble.
"Hello there Firenze. See you've met our young Mr. Potter. All right there Harry, Rebecca?" Hagrid asked.
Mantra: -dropping several words off of his dialogue because the Suethor is too stupid to even copy-paste right.
The two of us nodded.
Nagare: (Sue): -simultaneously, because I’m little more than a shadow of the canon characters, for all of my originality and usefulness.
"Harry Potter and friend, this is where I leave you.
Mantra: Oh, bullshit. He calls HARRY, the person he saved and the person he’s been conversing with this whole scene, by his full name, and yet Rebecca, who he completely ignored, gets to be called ‘friend’?
Nagare: I told you Firenze wasn’t going to escape this scene un-brainwashed.
Mantra: I still reserve the right to complain.
You are safe now.
Nagare: (Firenze) -except for the blood-sucking eldritch abomination you have standing next to you.
Good luck,"
"Bye!" I said with a smile as he turned and disappeared into the forest.
Nagare: For god’s sake, are you STILL on the I’m-such-a-polite-little-girl thread? Stop harping on the issue, because NO ONE is buying it!
Mantra: Did you not notice that this scene ended with a shot of the unicorn in the movie? It’s not meant to be a chipper, happy-go-lucky scene where the heroes are finally safe and welcomes a happy ending! It’s meant to be ominous and dark, and Firenze’s last words are clearly not true, because all of the viewers know that things are just starting. And even if Harry were safe, that last image provokes us to consider what is being sacrificed and what has already been lost here!
Nagare: It was poignant, so of course the Suethor has to ruin it. It’s all that she’s good for.
________________________________________
"You mean, that You-Know-Who is out there right now, in the Forest?" Hermione exclaimed as he all sat in the common room.
Nagare: She was so surprised that the Suethor needed an extra comma to convey it!
"But he's weak. He's living off of unicorns," I corrected from my seat.
Mantra: BULLSHIT. Fuck off. Hermione doesn’t fucking need correcting, because she’s not fucking wrong, based on the information she was given. It doesn’t fucking matter whether he’s weak or not. It doesn’t fucking matter what he’s eating for lunch. All it matters is that he is out there, close by, and that Harry had a close encounter with him!
Nagare: You know, when Harry says this, we see it as hope on his part, as well as a motive to make plans, instead of sitting there, being terrified. It’s a good demonstration of his ability to always see an opportunity in a really shitty situation. But when you say it, all we see is a disregard for Harry’s life. Oh yeah, the person who’s tried to murder him and killed his entire family is out there, but he’s WEAK, so we shouldn’t get so alarmed! I mean, why are you even worried about Harry? Shouldn’t you be focusing on ME?
"Don't you see? We had it wrong!
Mantra: (Harry) Voldemort isn’t the Big Bad here! It’s the Sue!
Snape doesn't want the Stone for himself. He wants the Stone for Voldemort.
Mantra: (Harry) He’s going to set it in a ring and propose marriage to Voldemort!
With the Elixir of Life, Voldemort will become strong again. He- he'll come back," Harry finished, slumping down into his seat next to Ron.
Nagare: (Harry) And then we’ll get a cheesy Hollywood sequel, ‘Return of the Dark Lord’, and it’s going to suck…
"But if he comes back, you don't think he'll try to… kill you, do you?" Ron asked.
Mantra: (Ron) After all, it’s not like he’d have a grudge against you or anything!
Nagare: You know, canon did have some pretty idiotic lines.
Mantra: I blame the movie. I don’t think that line was in the book.
"I think if he had his chance he would have tried to kill Harry tonight," I told him.
Nagare: And you continue your trend of saying the stupidly obvious. Bravo. I hope you’re proud of yourself.
Mantra: Again, Harry got away with saying it because he was acknowledging, out loud, the high personal stakes he has in this, thus justifying his going so far to ensure Voldemort was stopped. You, however, just sound like a patronising ass-shat, which isn’t that far off mark.
Ron swallowed hard. "And to think, I've been worrying about my Potions final," Ron murmured sadly.
Nagare: He wasn’t sad, dear. He’s not the melancholic type. He’s stunned, nervous, and just a bit fearful, and he’s trying to lighten the atmosphere here.
"Hang on a minute. We're forgetting one thing," Hermione began,
Mantra: (Hermione) We’ve totally forgotten to call the PPC in all this excitement!
getting all of attention.
Nagare: *Chuckles* Oh yeah, the Sue tries to shove herself into every scene, just for the canon character to completely ignore her, and yet as soon as Hermione starts talking, she’s given full attention. The canon characters aren’t as far gone as we think.
"Who's the one wizard Voldemort is always feared?"
Mantra: Your question is very confused, Ms. Granger.
We all looked at each other for the answer.
Nagare: Oh yeah. I can see why you’re such a genius. I bow in awe of your mental prowess.
"Dumbledore. As long as Dumbledore's around, Harry, you're safe. As long as Dumbledore's around you can't be touched,"
Mantra: (Hermione) Unless the Sue tries to screw you, in which case you’re on your own.
I got up slowly and inched my way slowly toward Harry
Mantra: OH, MY PROPHETIC SOUL! *Swoons*
Nagare: *Gapes in horror* She is NOT!
until everyone's eyes were on me
Mantra: *Bursts out laughing* The attention whore! She even admits that she waited until everyone was looking at her to do it!
Nagare: *Shakes head* The sheer amount of shamelessness…
and then gently poked Harry in the arm with my penis.
Nagare: *Scowls* Stop that, Mantra.
Mantra: *Wounded innocence* What did I do?
"You're wrong, Hermione. I just touched him,"
Mantra: Yes, you did, and it was a VERY Bad Touch. DIE IN A FIRE, YOU BITCH.
Nagare: That scene ending there was supposed to be bittersweet! It’s supposed to set up Harry’s trust in Dumbledore and offer a glimmer of hope when it looks like our protagonists are struggling all alone! It’s meant to show Hermione’s honest effort at comforting Harry, and thus how much she cares about him!
Mantra: Of course we can’t have a scene where Hermione is being a supportive friend! Oh noes! We must make it seem like she’s spewing stupid bullshit, even though WE’re spewing stupid bullshit in an effort to do so!
Nagare: And we can’t have any actual emotionally impacting scenes! No! All must be replaced with cheap (and very bad) humour!
I said trying to look completely serious,
Mantra: The people who can’t stop laughing at their own jokes are the worst comedians.
but after a moment all of us burst into laughter.
Nagare: Of course. Who can resist the absolute GOLDEN humour of the Sue?
Mantra: It’s pretty much a staple of Sue fics. The main characters are little more than her loyal groupies, so of course they’ll laugh at whatever she says, no matter how lame.
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Author's Note: Please remember to reveiw... please!
Mantra: People aren’t not reviewing because they forgot to, darling. They’re not reviewing because it’s not worth their effort. After all, why should they waste time writing constructive criticism when you obviously couldn’t be bothered to use any of your time writing anything original?
Nagare: Particularly when you can’t even be bothered to spell ‘review’ properly?
The Voice: I’m not even going to bother with the next chapter. It’s the same as always - just canon copy-pasted. Its only saving grace is that it’s a lot shorter than this one.
Mantra: Well, we’re off. See ya next time, guys.
Nagare: *Is dragged off stage*
Go Back to: Chapter 7 Part 1
Go Forward to: Chapter 8