Rebecca Sherwood and the Sorcerer's Stone: Chapter 6 - Home for Christmas
Yo, guys, I'm back! I wanted to write a little post about my trip to America, but then I realised I had nothing of interest to say, apart from how I MET TWO SQUIRRELS! TWO WHOLE SQUIRRELS! AND THEY WERE THE CUTEST THINGS TO EVER CUTE! OH MY GOD, IT WAS AMAZING!!!
Ahem.
Anyway, enjoy this sporking.
Chapter 6: Home for Christmas
Mantra: Oh, hooray. There’s actually going to be original content for this chapter.
Nagare: I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, considering this Suethor’s attempts at being original so far.
Mantra: At least it’d give us more things to mock.
Christmas home was just how I expected it…
Mantra: (Sue) I dressed up as a sexy Santa and raped canon on every flat surface I could find!
bad.
Nagare: Oh great. She’s going to use this as a chance to WANGST. Can we please have the copy-pasting back? Harry at his worst wasn’t nearly as wangsty as this Sue.
My father instantly turned his glares on me as I got off the train, refusing to speak to me.
Mantra: (Rebecca’s Father) I never thought you’d be so giant a Sue! If I’d known, I would’ve called the PPC as soon as you were born!
Nagare: *Face palm* Are you still clinging to the abusive father subplot like a drowning man to a straw, Suethor? IT’S NOT WORKING. Face it. Her dad cares enough about her to frequently vacation with her, try to “protect” her by teaching her how to handle her powers, and tutor her on magic so that she will be self-sufficient in the magical world. It’s blindingly obvious that he CARES about her, and no amount of character bashing from you will convince me otherwise.
My mother however, smiled and greeted me, asking me all about school even though I had told nearly everything through my letters,
Mantra: Figures. She only likes her mom because her mom showers attention on her and never says a single word against her. Kind of like how Suethors only ever pay attention to mindless praise, and not constructive criticism.
Nagare: And I suppose this Suethor doesn’t know that spoiling a child is just effective a form of child abuse.
but I didn't mind telling her all over again since
Mantra: (Sue) -I LOVE talking all about ME!
Nagare: (Sue) -I’m just SO interesting to listen to!
it was very exciting for to have friends.
Mantra: (Sue) All of my old classmates warded me off with sporks. It’s wonderful to have some unresisting pawns!
But it didn't take long until my father spoke.
Mantra: Well, if he talked with you shortly after you got off the train, then he wasn’t exactly ignoring you, was he?
Nagare: Of course not. No matter what kind of attention, positive or negative, it must always be fixed on the Sue.
Mantra: They’re kind of like trolls. They die without attention.
He was angry at me for being in Gryffindor, nearly the opposite house as Slytherin.
Mantra: Oh dear, thank you for explaining that. Why, I might forget Gryffindor and Slytherin’s house rivalry if you didn’t remind me! I mean, it’s not like it was a repeated motif in canon or anything!
Nagare: And just because they had a strong rivalry, doesn't mean the two houses were polar opposites. One emphasised couraged, while the other emphasised ambition and cunning. They're not exactly mutually exclusive concepts.
I took all that he threw at me,
Nagare: What, right there in the train station? Look, abusers try not to get themselves in trouble. They don’t tend to do their abusing in public very much.
Mantra: Are we supposed to feel sorry for this little bitch? Because I don’t. In fact, I’d be much more inclined to liking her if she grew a spine and fought back.
thanking the gods that mother was there to save me.
Nagare: Oh yeah, he was so angry that a few gentle chastises from your mother was enough to keep him away. Yeah, I can see how furious he is.
Mantra: …Which gods? Elaborate? I didn’t know Wizards worshipped their own deities…and none of the pure-bloods seem very well acquainted with the main religions that Christianity or Islam.
My father also had a field day when he found out who my friends were,
Mantra: (Rebecca’s Father) You made the MAIN CAST into your Groupie? No, your MINIONS? Shame on you, young woman! Now, go into your room and write me a 12 inch essay on what makes a good character, and don’t come out until you’re done!
a Weasley, a muggle born (though he used the other name for it),
Nagare: And perhaps he had the courtesy to capitalise their name.
Mantra: At least he doesn’t have a prejudice against hyphens.
and the Boy Who Lived.
Mantra: …And why would he be angry about that? Harry’s not a completely pureblood Wizard (the Wizarding relations have to go back two generations, I believe), but it’s not like he’s a Muggle-Born or Half-Blood. And with his status, he’s going to have a lot of power and influence in the Wizarding World, and purebloods are all for that shit. I mean, the Malfoys were about as blood-purity-obsessed as you could be, and Draco was trying to get into Harry’s good graces at the start. What the hell does he have against the Boy Who Lived?
Nagare: …I hope that’s not a SUBTLE hint that her father is a Death Eater, because if it is, then there shall be BLOOD.
Mantra: I certainly hope not. Lucius was a Death Eater and even he wanted to get Harry on his side at the very start. After all, Voldemort’s kind of dead, and even if he were to come back, being friends with Harry will allow you to more easily bring him to Voldemort and thus earn the Dark Lord’s favour.
"Leave the girl alone, Gregory," my mother sighed sitting next to me with a protective arm around me
Nagare: Wait, where ARE they? Are they home? On the car going back home? Still at the train station? DETAILS, Suethor. We need them.
Mantra: Oh wow, such an abusive father. Look at how angry he is, and how difficult it is to calm him down. Wow.
as I tried not to cry.
Nagare: Hey, why bother? It’s not like you had any dignity to begin with!
Mantra: (Sue) How DARE you not love me and despair? How DARE you be such a big, poopy-headed meanie!?
I had been having a wonder time
Mantra: I’d been having an amuse time.
Nagare: I had been having an anger time.
and I should have figured my father wanted to ruin it all for me,
Mantra: Because it’s AAAAAAAAAAAAALL about you. There’s no way he was doing it because that was how he was raise, or because that was the kind of social circle he was in. Nope, he planned ALL of this, including making you choose to be sorted into Gryffindor, JUST so he can ruin one Christmas for you. Yep, totally.
it was in his nature.
Nagare: Yeah, no. Making people miserable isn’t in his nature. It’s in YOURS.
Mantra: Sure, it was in his nature to ruin everything for you. That’s why he took you on all those vacations when you were little. Totally. And doesn't this make the Sue sound like an abuse-apologist? After all, it's in the abuser's NATURE to do this, so you can't blame him! And there's nothing you can do about it either, so you'd better just sit and take it!
"She can't do one thing I tell her to!
Mantra: (Rebecca’s Father) How hard can it be to have a personality? How hard can it be to not copy-paste? How hard can it be to get a beta-reader? How hard can it be to STOP FUCKING WHINING?
My whole family has been in Slytherin!" he yelled at my mother, making her eyes go hard as she glared up at him.
Mantra: …I think her eyes just got a boner, man.
Nagare: Or he just transfigured them to rock.
Mantra: I think the most amusing part of this is that the Suethor’s much too wimpy to give the Sue a truly horrible back story and family, so she chickened out and only made one parent abusive. And that directly ruined any claim she might have made that the father was abusive. Because if her mother was really so strong that she can stand up for herself and cared so much about Rebecca, then she would have left with her years ago if her father was truly abusive. So, the only thing this tells us is that Rebecca is exaggerating everything in order to fish for sympathy yet again. Congratulations.
"Well nearly my whole family has been in Ravenclaw and I didn't ask her to be in Ravenclaw, now did I?" my mother challenged.
Nagare: No, because Ravenclaw isn’t known for containing some of the oldest pureblood Wizarding families. You weren’t brought up in that environment, you weren’t indoctrinated at birth, you don’t face peer pressure every day. Sure, it’s not right to be so obsessed about pureblood doctrine, but on the other hand, for someone brought up in that environment, it’s also hard to stop. How wonderful to see that you’ve married a man you don’t even know.
Mantra: And your argument might be slightly more effective if you had any idea how commas worked.
My father huffed
Mantra: (Sue) -glue in order to escape the pain of living with me every day.
and turned back to me. "Go to your room!" he yelled. As fast as possible I jumped up and ran as fast as I could into my room,
Mantra: She did it so fast that the Suethor had to say it twice, just to hammer in how fast she was!
my mother not far behind.
Mantra: -ready for some mother-daughter bonding time. With bondage.
________________________________________
The rest of Christmas was very quiet between my father and I,
Nagare: Because this kind of deep-seated racial issue always fizzles out on its own after a few days.
Mantra: So how the hell was Christmas bad? You had one fight with your dad through during the whole period, and you’re suddenly devastated? It’s true that Sues can’t live without constant adulation, isn’t it?
though my mother tried to keep my spirits up.
Mantra: With hot, hot lesbian sex.
Nagare: Mantra! That’s enough!
Mantra: *Pouts*
As gifts I received a broomstick,
Nagare: What for? It’s not like she can use it until half way through next year!
Mantra: No, but HARRY got a broomstick when he’s in first year, so the Sue HAS to!
Nagare: But it makes no sense!
Mantra: Does the Suethor look like she cares?
the same type as Harry's
Mantra: See? She doesn’t even like Quidditch. All she want to do is make sure that no one has better things than her. Because she’s a SUE, and anything you can do, the Sue can do better.
(though I didn't tell my father that),
Nagare: Harry is the youngest seeker in the century and has ungodly amounts of money. I think he can deduce on his own that he’s got the best version of broomsticks out there.
a new quill made of a Hippogriff feather
Mantra: That has no functional quality except being shiny?
Nagare: I pity the poor people whose job is to pluck feathers from Hippogriffs.
which made me shiver,
Mantra: Okay, your fetishes are starting to get a little weird now.
Nagare: I hardly think you’re the one to talk.
and a muggle MP3 player which my mother had gotten me, filled with all of my favorite songs (my father wasn't very happy at that gift though).
Mantra: (Father) Darling, I just don’t see the point of such a gift. It’s an electronic, and you know she can’t use those at school. And considering she spends the majority of the year there, don’t you think the gift is a little useless?
Nagare: What, the MP3 player came already with all of her favourite songs downloaded into it? Somehow, I don’t think that’s how it works.
Mantra: It’s really amazing how much she fails at portraying her father to be a prejudiced dick, all because she’s obsessed with giving her avatar shiny stuff. If he was okay with her learning what MP3 players are and how to download songs, then he’s hardly anti-Muggle.
Luckily it didn't take long until I was to go back to Hogwarts,
Mantra: (Sue) -where I could presume sucking the canon characters dry.
and the night before going back I was lying in my bed reading a new book when my mother walked in.
"Don't stay up to late,"
Nagare: (Mother) I’d much prefer if you stayed up to early. It’s certainly a shorter walk away.
she said quickly smiling at me.
Mantra: (Mother) Act natural, act natural…she can’t find out about the bomb I put under her bed.
As she turned to walk out I gained my courage to ask.
"Mum?"
Nagare: (Mother) No. You’re adopted.
She turned back. "I read a name somewhere and I was wondering if you knew who it was,"
Mantra: (Sue) I was also wondering if you knew what this weird thing called a “question mark” was.
"Who, dear?" she asked coming to sit on the side of my bed as I laid my book on my nightstand.
Mantra: Oh god, the amount of innuendoes I can make about that line.
Nagare: *Ignores* I’m sorry, but a name is not the same as a person. That should be “What, dear?”
"Nicholas Flamel," I said shyly,
Mantra: (Sue) He’s my eternal Twu Wuv!
Nagare: *Twitch* Don’t you pull the shy card on me, bitch. I’ve seen how shamelessly arrogant you are, so don’t you even TRY.
making her eyes widen a bit and one of her eyebrows raise.
Mantra: (Mother) *Disapprovingly* Are you trying to hijack canon again?
"Where did you read that name?" she asked.
Nagare: Why would she be suspicious? Nicholas Flamel is quite famous in the Wizarding World, after all. I’m pretty sure he has a chocolate frog card and everything.
"If I remembered I wouldn't be asking," I smiled.
Mantra: The compulsive lying, the disrespect to parents, the fishing for sympathy…man, this Sue sounds familiar, doesn’t she?
Nagare: *Twitches* The smug, pretentious little-
My mother eyed me for a moment before settling a little bit more at my side. "Nicholas Flamel is the only alchemist that has ever succeeded in making the Philosopher's stone,"
Nagare: PERIOD. ARE. NOT. INTERCHANGEABLE. WITH. COMMAS.
Mantra: Yeah, fail. In canon, the trio found out who Nicholas Flamel was through their own hard work and research. It not only established the value of Hermione, as she’s AWESOME at research and will act as an info-dump dispenser for later books, but it also solidified the friendship of the trio, showing them coming together and working towards a common goal. That, and they didn’t just asspull an easy answer out of nowhere. They actually had to make an effort, and thus there was actual conflict and suspense. They actually WORKED, while you just sucked up to your mom and negated all the mystery of a whole book by being a coy little bitch.
"Philosopher's stone?" I asked.
________________________________________
Nagare: What, the scene ended just like that?
Mantra: Well, the readers already know everything because they’ve seen canon, so why should the Suethor have to bother with writing exposition?
I immediately went to Harry, Ron and Hermione with the news,
Mantra: Immediately? What, you just leapt out of bed and ran out of the house as soon as your mom was done talking?
though Hermione seemed to have a book already that had information about it.
Nagare: God, it’s painful to read just how pathetic this Sue is. She simply adds NOTHING to the story. The main trio certainly don’t need her. They’ve done their work on the case and solved the mystery themselves. She is completely POINTLESS. *Shakes head* I mean, I knew Sues failed at being characters, but I never thought I’d see a character fail at being a Sue.
I immediately began to tell them what I knew.
Mantra: And how, exactly, would that help them? Did you really think a vague explanation from your mom is going to be more thorough than a book, which has the specific purpose of informing readers?
Nagare: She’s just desperately scrambling at any sign that she might actually be useful to the main trio. It’s really quite sad…
"Fluffy is guarding something called the Philosopher's stone, also known as the Sorcerer's stone," I told them quickly,
Mantra: No. No, it’s not fucking called that. It’s one or the other, depending on what country you’re in, but never the both!
making them all stare at me wide eyed.
Nagare: (Canon characters) Who the hell is she again?
Mantra: Yeah, nice try. They’re not going to be all awe and shock at your brilliant discovery. And the readers most certainly aren’t, either. Face it, Sue, you might as well not exist for all the importance you have to the plot.
"What?" Harry asked, being the first to recover.
Mantra: (Harry) I thought this was movie canon? Where did you get the idea that the Philosopher’s Stone was also called the Sorcerer’s Stone?
"I asked my mother if she had ever heard of the name Nicholas Flamel," I explained.
Nagare: (Sue) And BOOM! I cut this book about a third shorter! That’s a good thing, right?
Mantra: (Sue) Come on, guys. The Suethor got bored with this story, so we have to hurry through the plot.
"Of course! Here it is!" Hermione exclaimed, having opened a book to a page. "'Nicholas Flamel is the only known maker of the Sorcerer's Stone. The Sorcerer's Stone is a legendary substance with astonishing powers. It will transform any metal into pure gold and produce the Elixir of Life which will make the drinker immortal-"
Nagare: IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO HAVE HERMIONE DO HER INFO-DUMP ANYWAY, THEN WHY BOTHER WITH THE SUE’S AMAZING REVELATION? ARGH!
Mantra: Because skipping any canon dialogue would require far too much creativity and work.
"Immortal?" Ron asked to himself.
"It means you'll never die,"
Mantra: *Snorts* Look at that. She came babbling in excitement, and yet the canon characters just go right back to completely ignoring her. Both Hermione and her deliver the news of what’s going on, and yet all they care about is what Hermione says. She’s so pathetic that I almost want to give her a gold start for effort.
"I know what it means!" Harry and I both hushed him and turned back to Hermione and her book.
Nagare: NO. You do not fucking get away with that. Harry is fucking invested in what’s going on! Harry has developed a close enough relationship with Ron that he can get away wish shushing him. Harry is actually LIKEABLE. YOU. ARE. FUCKING. NOT. So don’t you fucking go around shushing characters far, FAR superior to you, you bitch!
Mantra: So, this fic is basically just exactly the same as canon, except with 100% more redundancy now that a completely unnecessary character is in the main cast? Again, I don’t see the point of inserting yourself in the Harry Potter universe if all you’re going to do is repeat after others!
"'The only stone currently in existence belongs to Mr. Nicholas Flamel, the noted alchemist who last year celebrated his 665th birthday,'," Hermione finished.
"That's what Fluffy's guarding on the third floor. That's what's under the trap door. The Sorcerer's Stone," I told them.
Nagare: Well, there you go. That’s not all she does. She also makes sure to steal Hermione’s thunder whenever she can, as if that’ll make the readers warm up to her more.
Mantra: And be even more redundant at the same time, too, considering she’s already told them exactly that at the beginning of the scene. Just because YOU are stupid, dear, doesn’t mean everyone is.
Suddenly Neville hopped into the Great Hall looking at if his legs had been stuck together.
Nagare: This scene actually isn’t in the movie, as far as I know. Of course, it’s still pretty much copy-pasted word for word from canon.
Mantra: Makes sense that the Suethor would insert a scene where her Sue can show off her healing powers and hopefully appear actually useful to the plot.
Nagare: Though I note that she never showed any scenes featuring the Mirror of Erised. I smell a huge asspull coming up at the end of the fic…
Mantra: Trust her to leave out all the scenes that mattered.
Nagare: And wait a minute, they were in the GREAT HALL? I thought this scene was supposed to be set in the common room?
Mantra: But the Sue needs more witness to her great and wonderful act of helping Neville! …Though the scene makes no sense if it was set in the Great Hall. I hardly think Neville would be wandering around somewhere so public after being cursed like that, especially in view of the Slytherins.
"Leg Locker Curse," I murmured to Harry as he stared at Neville as he hopped over to us.
Mantra: BUTT OUT. Harry fucking knew that! Everyone in the room knew that in canon, because they weren’t idiots! All you’re doing here is stating the obvious and being freaking redundant!
Nagare: If you have to render the rest of the characters brain dead to look smart, then you might want to stop proclaiming that you’re a fucking genius!
"Malfoy," Harry said instantly.
Mantra: And thank you for making Harry a prejudiced bastard. In canon, Neville admitted that it was Malfoy himself. Here, you’re just making Harry look like an asshole, making assumptions like that, no matter how justified they may be.
Nagare: And in canon, the characters helped Neville FIRST, before asking any questions. Here, you just make them look self-absorbed, being more concerned about their rivalry with Malfoy than helping their friend!
"You have got to start standing up to people, Neville," I told him as he hopped up beside me.
Mantra: SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEVILLE THE SNAKE KILLER NEEDS NO ADVICE FROM YOU!
Nagare: And how nice of you to victim-blame Neville, as if it’s his fault that he got attacked, because he couldn’t stand up for himself. Well, FUCK YOU. You’ve got nothing on Hermione, who was actually fucking compassionate enough to help Neville and listen to HIS side of the story before making assumptions about the strength of his character!
"How? I can barely stand at all," he exclaimed as he nearly fell over. I quickly grabbed his sleeve and steadied him.
Mantra: Of course, you make absolutely no attempt to counter the curse. Nope, you’re just going to let him hop around for your amusement. Didn’t you notice in canon that Hermione was the only one who didn’t laugh at Neville? And that we were supposed to admire her for that, as it showed she was kind and empathetic and really cared about Neville?
"I'll do the counter curse," Seamus said, standing up his wand in hand.
Nagare: Of course, she has to negate all signs of Hermione’s nobility and kindness by making the others eager to help as well. FUCK YOU, bitch.
Mantra: Don’t fucking SAY you’re going to do it! Just fucking DO it! It’s not like Neville cares who casts the counter-curse!
"No!" Neville nearly yelled. "That's all I need, for you to catch my bloody knee caps on fire,"
Mantra: Of course, it was implied in canon that Hermione was the only one who knew the counter-curse and could perform it with confidence. But of course, we won’t see any of that here. She’s a main character and has huge numbers of fans supporting her getting together with Harry, so she must die in a fire.
Seamus slammed his wand down on the table and glared at Neville. "I don't appreciate insinuations, Longbottom!
Nagare: Oh, goddammit, I know the Gryffindors had their arguments and fights, but for the most part, they fucking stuck together! They didn’t condescend to each other like that! That’s something SNAPE might say! Did you see canon at all?
Mantra: She has to make every single character an utter bitch, you see, so that her bitchiness doesn’t stand out. Of course, she fails.
Besides, if anyone cares to notice my eyebrows have completely grown back!" With that he stormed off,
Mantra: -like a tantrumming 2-year-old. What was the point of that scene again? What did Seamus do to you that you’re bashing him like this?
Nagare: I have a feeling that this is meant to be humorous. I, for one, am not amused.
revealing the bald spot of the back of his head where his "eyebrows" had been taken from.
Mantra: Looks like you’re right. Suethor, not all of your readers are sociopaths. None of us will be laughing at Neville’s misfortune. YOU FUCKING FAIL.
Nagare: What the hell? He’s not good enough to perform a counter-curse, and yet he’s good enough to perfectly transport the hair from one part of his body to another? Because the latter seems far more complicated than the former.
"Don't worry, Neville, I'll fix you,"
Mantra: (Sue) I’ll get rid of all of that pesky canon characterisation and make you into my loyal groupie! Yay!
Nagare: NEVILLE. NEEDS. NO. FIXING. Hands off of him, Sue.
I said stand,
Nagare: *Groans* God, the grammar actually causes me physical pain.
pulling my wand from it's holder
Mantra: She has a wand holster? OH MY GOD, IT’S ROSE POTTER!!!
and pointing it down at his legs. "Legoleaso,"
Nagare: WTF?
Mantra: I don’t know. All I got is that the Sue turned Neville’s legs into Lego.
(Author's Note; Yes I made it up…)
Mantra: ONE OF THE FIRST FUCKING RULES OF WRITING IS THAT YOU NEVER PUT AN AUTHOR’S NOTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, SUETHOR?
Nagare: And there was no need to make anything up! You could have just did what canon did and said she ‘performed the counter-curse’ and left it at that! At this point, you’re going out of your way to rape canon!
With that Neville moved, his legs separate again.
Nagare: Well, the Sue clearly failed here too, because that’s not how the counter-curse is supposed to work. It should make his legs spring apart, not move him around.
"Thanks," he smiled as both of us sat down.
"Don't mention it," I smiled back.
Mantra: Is anyone even surprised that Hermione is relegated to twiddling her thumbs in this scene too? If we get to go after this Sue, I’m voting we let Hermione deliver the final blow.
Nagare: Agreed. And again, I have to comment on the placement of this scene. Originally, it happened BEFORE the trio found out about Flamel. When Harry gave Neville a chocolate frog to console him, the card inside reminded him of where he had first heard Flamel’s name, which then reminded Hermione which book contained information on him. Not only does this show Harry’s growing friendship with Neville, but it also gives Neville a crucial part of the story. Harry would never have figured out the mystery if it weren’t for him.
By insisting that the Sue discover the mystery just by asking her mom a question, the Suethor not only negated Hermione’s role in the story, but made Neville nothing more than a background character to laugh at too. And that makes me VERY angry.
Mantra: If she ever writes Rebecca Sherwood and the Deathly Hallows and makes her Sue be the one to decapitate Naginni, I am not even kidding, I will NUKE this place.
"Look at you, playing with your cards. Pathetic," Hermione murmured looking at Ron.
The Voice: *Interrupts* Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I skimmed the original book again, and this scene seems to be completely original. Of course, it does nothing but portray Hermione as a bitch, make the Sue out to be some kind of prodigy, and shove the stupid, awkward humour of this Suethor down our throats. How nice.
Mantra: If you have to completely change her personality in order for the Sue to have a reason to hate Hermione, then MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HATE HERMIONE. Sure, she gets frustrated with how Harry and Ron don’t study as much as her, but she would NEVER call her friends “pathetic”!
Nagare: And what a BRILLIANT transition from the scene with Neville. It’s so smooth that I nearly broke my neck.
"We've got final exams coming up soon,"
Mantra: You do? The way this Suethor skips around in the timeline, you could be anywhere from 2 weeks after just starting school or way after the exams are finished.
"I'm ready. Ask me any question," Ron challenged.
Nagare: RON. IS. NOT. STUPID. He is a bit impulsive and does let his emotions direct his actions, but he’s not fucking STUPID. He KNOWS Hermione is going to take him up on that challenge! And he KNOWS he won’t be able to answer, because there’s no way he knew as much as Hermione. All he’s doing is purposefully setting himself up for an embarrassing fall!
"All right," Hermione smiled, looking over at me.
Mantra: This is a matter between her and Ron! Why is she randomly dragging the Sue into this? They don’t even know her that well!
Nagare: Because, of course, the Sue is vastly more knowledgeable than Hermione and can come up with harder questions.
Mantra: I really need to murder a few dozen people right now.
"What are the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness potion?" I asked.
Nagare: Forgetfulness potion? What kind of name is THAT? Is even that much originality too much to ask?
Mantra: What do you think? And what do you mean by ‘most crucial ingredients’? Much like chemical reactions, there is no such thing as ‘most crucial’. Every single ingredient is needed in exact amounts, or it wouldn’t work! If there were ingredients that weren’t crucial, they wouldn’t be taught about!
"I forgot," Ron muttered, making Harry and I chuckle softly.
Mantra: And you can SHUT THE FUCK UP, because the only reason you know more than him is because you’re the Suethor’s Pet! Ron is more awesome than you ANY DAY!
"And what will you do, may I ask, if this comes up in the final exam?" Hermione asked.
"Copy off you," Ron tried.
"No you won't!" Hermione exclaimed.
Mantra: (Hermione) You’ll copy off the Sue, because SHE’s the smartest witch in the year now!
"Besides, according to Professor McGonagall, we are to be given special quills bewitched with an Anti Cheating spell,"
Nagare: Uh…and how would that work? How would the quill know if you’re looking in certain directions? Would it read your mind? Seriously, how would the mechanics work?
Mantra: And “It’s magic!” doesn’t excuse you either, because we have a pretty good idea of what magic in the Harry Potter universe is capable of, and it CERTAINLY can’t give Quills mind-reading powers.
"That's insulting! It's as if they don't trust us!" Ron exclaimed, making me roll my eyes.
Nagare: I’d say that’s insulting because it’s clearly untrue, and thus McGonagall would be trolling you.
Mantra: Wait a minute. If McGonagall said this in class, then how come Ron doesn’t know about it? Or are you saying that Hermione is getting inside information from teachers, and that’s why she’s so good at academics?
Nagare: Wouldn’t surprise me…
"I wonder why," I muttered looking back down at my history book.
"Dumbledore again," Ron exclaimed throwing down one of his cards.
Mantra: *Falls off chair* What the fuck was up with that transition?
Nagare: What are they playing? The only cards that have people on them are the ones in chocolate frogs, and those are trading cards! I don’t think you can actually play games with them!
Mantra: At this point, the Suethor is just letting a rabid monkey loose on her keyboard and hoping what comes out makes sense.
Nagare: I don’t think she ever bothered about whether something made sense in this fic.
The Voice: Well, horrible as that was, this chapter is officially over, so you two go enjoy a break. The next chapter is the longest one yet, as it attempts to cover the entire Norbert arc and the detention in the forest.
Mantra: I can taste the pain.
Go Back to: Chapter 5, Part 2
Go Forward to: Chapter 7, Part 1
Ahem.
Anyway, enjoy this sporking.
Chapter 6: Home for Christmas
Mantra: Oh, hooray. There’s actually going to be original content for this chapter.
Nagare: I’m not sure if that’s a good thing or not, considering this Suethor’s attempts at being original so far.
Mantra: At least it’d give us more things to mock.
Christmas home was just how I expected it…
Mantra: (Sue) I dressed up as a sexy Santa and raped canon on every flat surface I could find!
bad.
Nagare: Oh great. She’s going to use this as a chance to WANGST. Can we please have the copy-pasting back? Harry at his worst wasn’t nearly as wangsty as this Sue.
My father instantly turned his glares on me as I got off the train, refusing to speak to me.
Mantra: (Rebecca’s Father) I never thought you’d be so giant a Sue! If I’d known, I would’ve called the PPC as soon as you were born!
Nagare: *Face palm* Are you still clinging to the abusive father subplot like a drowning man to a straw, Suethor? IT’S NOT WORKING. Face it. Her dad cares enough about her to frequently vacation with her, try to “protect” her by teaching her how to handle her powers, and tutor her on magic so that she will be self-sufficient in the magical world. It’s blindingly obvious that he CARES about her, and no amount of character bashing from you will convince me otherwise.
My mother however, smiled and greeted me, asking me all about school even though I had told nearly everything through my letters,
Mantra: Figures. She only likes her mom because her mom showers attention on her and never says a single word against her. Kind of like how Suethors only ever pay attention to mindless praise, and not constructive criticism.
Nagare: And I suppose this Suethor doesn’t know that spoiling a child is just effective a form of child abuse.
but I didn't mind telling her all over again since
Mantra: (Sue) -I LOVE talking all about ME!
Nagare: (Sue) -I’m just SO interesting to listen to!
it was very exciting for to have friends.
Mantra: (Sue) All of my old classmates warded me off with sporks. It’s wonderful to have some unresisting pawns!
But it didn't take long until my father spoke.
Mantra: Well, if he talked with you shortly after you got off the train, then he wasn’t exactly ignoring you, was he?
Nagare: Of course not. No matter what kind of attention, positive or negative, it must always be fixed on the Sue.
Mantra: They’re kind of like trolls. They die without attention.
He was angry at me for being in Gryffindor, nearly the opposite house as Slytherin.
Mantra: Oh dear, thank you for explaining that. Why, I might forget Gryffindor and Slytherin’s house rivalry if you didn’t remind me! I mean, it’s not like it was a repeated motif in canon or anything!
Nagare: And just because they had a strong rivalry, doesn't mean the two houses were polar opposites. One emphasised couraged, while the other emphasised ambition and cunning. They're not exactly mutually exclusive concepts.
I took all that he threw at me,
Nagare: What, right there in the train station? Look, abusers try not to get themselves in trouble. They don’t tend to do their abusing in public very much.
Mantra: Are we supposed to feel sorry for this little bitch? Because I don’t. In fact, I’d be much more inclined to liking her if she grew a spine and fought back.
thanking the gods that mother was there to save me.
Nagare: Oh yeah, he was so angry that a few gentle chastises from your mother was enough to keep him away. Yeah, I can see how furious he is.
Mantra: …Which gods? Elaborate? I didn’t know Wizards worshipped their own deities…and none of the pure-bloods seem very well acquainted with the main religions that Christianity or Islam.
My father also had a field day when he found out who my friends were,
Mantra: (Rebecca’s Father) You made the MAIN CAST into your Groupie? No, your MINIONS? Shame on you, young woman! Now, go into your room and write me a 12 inch essay on what makes a good character, and don’t come out until you’re done!
a Weasley, a muggle born (though he used the other name for it),
Nagare: And perhaps he had the courtesy to capitalise their name.
Mantra: At least he doesn’t have a prejudice against hyphens.
and the Boy Who Lived.
Mantra: …And why would he be angry about that? Harry’s not a completely pureblood Wizard (the Wizarding relations have to go back two generations, I believe), but it’s not like he’s a Muggle-Born or Half-Blood. And with his status, he’s going to have a lot of power and influence in the Wizarding World, and purebloods are all for that shit. I mean, the Malfoys were about as blood-purity-obsessed as you could be, and Draco was trying to get into Harry’s good graces at the start. What the hell does he have against the Boy Who Lived?
Nagare: …I hope that’s not a SUBTLE hint that her father is a Death Eater, because if it is, then there shall be BLOOD.
Mantra: I certainly hope not. Lucius was a Death Eater and even he wanted to get Harry on his side at the very start. After all, Voldemort’s kind of dead, and even if he were to come back, being friends with Harry will allow you to more easily bring him to Voldemort and thus earn the Dark Lord’s favour.
"Leave the girl alone, Gregory," my mother sighed sitting next to me with a protective arm around me
Nagare: Wait, where ARE they? Are they home? On the car going back home? Still at the train station? DETAILS, Suethor. We need them.
Mantra: Oh wow, such an abusive father. Look at how angry he is, and how difficult it is to calm him down. Wow.
as I tried not to cry.
Nagare: Hey, why bother? It’s not like you had any dignity to begin with!
Mantra: (Sue) How DARE you not love me and despair? How DARE you be such a big, poopy-headed meanie!?
I had been having a wonder time
Mantra: I’d been having an amuse time.
Nagare: I had been having an anger time.
and I should have figured my father wanted to ruin it all for me,
Mantra: Because it’s AAAAAAAAAAAAALL about you. There’s no way he was doing it because that was how he was raise, or because that was the kind of social circle he was in. Nope, he planned ALL of this, including making you choose to be sorted into Gryffindor, JUST so he can ruin one Christmas for you. Yep, totally.
it was in his nature.
Nagare: Yeah, no. Making people miserable isn’t in his nature. It’s in YOURS.
Mantra: Sure, it was in his nature to ruin everything for you. That’s why he took you on all those vacations when you were little. Totally. And doesn't this make the Sue sound like an abuse-apologist? After all, it's in the abuser's NATURE to do this, so you can't blame him! And there's nothing you can do about it either, so you'd better just sit and take it!
"She can't do one thing I tell her to!
Mantra: (Rebecca’s Father) How hard can it be to have a personality? How hard can it be to not copy-paste? How hard can it be to get a beta-reader? How hard can it be to STOP FUCKING WHINING?
My whole family has been in Slytherin!" he yelled at my mother, making her eyes go hard as she glared up at him.
Mantra: …I think her eyes just got a boner, man.
Nagare: Or he just transfigured them to rock.
Mantra: I think the most amusing part of this is that the Suethor’s much too wimpy to give the Sue a truly horrible back story and family, so she chickened out and only made one parent abusive. And that directly ruined any claim she might have made that the father was abusive. Because if her mother was really so strong that she can stand up for herself and cared so much about Rebecca, then she would have left with her years ago if her father was truly abusive. So, the only thing this tells us is that Rebecca is exaggerating everything in order to fish for sympathy yet again. Congratulations.
"Well nearly my whole family has been in Ravenclaw and I didn't ask her to be in Ravenclaw, now did I?" my mother challenged.
Nagare: No, because Ravenclaw isn’t known for containing some of the oldest pureblood Wizarding families. You weren’t brought up in that environment, you weren’t indoctrinated at birth, you don’t face peer pressure every day. Sure, it’s not right to be so obsessed about pureblood doctrine, but on the other hand, for someone brought up in that environment, it’s also hard to stop. How wonderful to see that you’ve married a man you don’t even know.
Mantra: And your argument might be slightly more effective if you had any idea how commas worked.
My father huffed
Mantra: (Sue) -glue in order to escape the pain of living with me every day.
and turned back to me. "Go to your room!" he yelled. As fast as possible I jumped up and ran as fast as I could into my room,
Mantra: She did it so fast that the Suethor had to say it twice, just to hammer in how fast she was!
my mother not far behind.
Mantra: -ready for some mother-daughter bonding time. With bondage.
________________________________________
The rest of Christmas was very quiet between my father and I,
Nagare: Because this kind of deep-seated racial issue always fizzles out on its own after a few days.
Mantra: So how the hell was Christmas bad? You had one fight with your dad through during the whole period, and you’re suddenly devastated? It’s true that Sues can’t live without constant adulation, isn’t it?
though my mother tried to keep my spirits up.
Mantra: With hot, hot lesbian sex.
Nagare: Mantra! That’s enough!
Mantra: *Pouts*
As gifts I received a broomstick,
Nagare: What for? It’s not like she can use it until half way through next year!
Mantra: No, but HARRY got a broomstick when he’s in first year, so the Sue HAS to!
Nagare: But it makes no sense!
Mantra: Does the Suethor look like she cares?
the same type as Harry's
Mantra: See? She doesn’t even like Quidditch. All she want to do is make sure that no one has better things than her. Because she’s a SUE, and anything you can do, the Sue can do better.
(though I didn't tell my father that),
Nagare: Harry is the youngest seeker in the century and has ungodly amounts of money. I think he can deduce on his own that he’s got the best version of broomsticks out there.
a new quill made of a Hippogriff feather
Mantra: That has no functional quality except being shiny?
Nagare: I pity the poor people whose job is to pluck feathers from Hippogriffs.
which made me shiver,
Mantra: Okay, your fetishes are starting to get a little weird now.
Nagare: I hardly think you’re the one to talk.
and a muggle MP3 player which my mother had gotten me, filled with all of my favorite songs (my father wasn't very happy at that gift though).
Mantra: (Father) Darling, I just don’t see the point of such a gift. It’s an electronic, and you know she can’t use those at school. And considering she spends the majority of the year there, don’t you think the gift is a little useless?
Nagare: What, the MP3 player came already with all of her favourite songs downloaded into it? Somehow, I don’t think that’s how it works.
Mantra: It’s really amazing how much she fails at portraying her father to be a prejudiced dick, all because she’s obsessed with giving her avatar shiny stuff. If he was okay with her learning what MP3 players are and how to download songs, then he’s hardly anti-Muggle.
Luckily it didn't take long until I was to go back to Hogwarts,
Mantra: (Sue) -where I could presume sucking the canon characters dry.
and the night before going back I was lying in my bed reading a new book when my mother walked in.
"Don't stay up to late,"
Nagare: (Mother) I’d much prefer if you stayed up to early. It’s certainly a shorter walk away.
she said quickly smiling at me.
Mantra: (Mother) Act natural, act natural…she can’t find out about the bomb I put under her bed.
As she turned to walk out I gained my courage to ask.
"Mum?"
Nagare: (Mother) No. You’re adopted.
She turned back. "I read a name somewhere and I was wondering if you knew who it was,"
Mantra: (Sue) I was also wondering if you knew what this weird thing called a “question mark” was.
"Who, dear?" she asked coming to sit on the side of my bed as I laid my book on my nightstand.
Mantra: Oh god, the amount of innuendoes I can make about that line.
Nagare: *Ignores* I’m sorry, but a name is not the same as a person. That should be “What, dear?”
"Nicholas Flamel," I said shyly,
Mantra: (Sue) He’s my eternal Twu Wuv!
Nagare: *Twitch* Don’t you pull the shy card on me, bitch. I’ve seen how shamelessly arrogant you are, so don’t you even TRY.
making her eyes widen a bit and one of her eyebrows raise.
Mantra: (Mother) *Disapprovingly* Are you trying to hijack canon again?
"Where did you read that name?" she asked.
Nagare: Why would she be suspicious? Nicholas Flamel is quite famous in the Wizarding World, after all. I’m pretty sure he has a chocolate frog card and everything.
"If I remembered I wouldn't be asking," I smiled.
Mantra: The compulsive lying, the disrespect to parents, the fishing for sympathy…man, this Sue sounds familiar, doesn’t she?
Nagare: *Twitches* The smug, pretentious little-
My mother eyed me for a moment before settling a little bit more at my side. "Nicholas Flamel is the only alchemist that has ever succeeded in making the Philosopher's stone,"
Nagare: PERIOD. ARE. NOT. INTERCHANGEABLE. WITH. COMMAS.
Mantra: Yeah, fail. In canon, the trio found out who Nicholas Flamel was through their own hard work and research. It not only established the value of Hermione, as she’s AWESOME at research and will act as an info-dump dispenser for later books, but it also solidified the friendship of the trio, showing them coming together and working towards a common goal. That, and they didn’t just asspull an easy answer out of nowhere. They actually had to make an effort, and thus there was actual conflict and suspense. They actually WORKED, while you just sucked up to your mom and negated all the mystery of a whole book by being a coy little bitch.
"Philosopher's stone?" I asked.
________________________________________
Nagare: What, the scene ended just like that?
Mantra: Well, the readers already know everything because they’ve seen canon, so why should the Suethor have to bother with writing exposition?
I immediately went to Harry, Ron and Hermione with the news,
Mantra: Immediately? What, you just leapt out of bed and ran out of the house as soon as your mom was done talking?
though Hermione seemed to have a book already that had information about it.
Nagare: God, it’s painful to read just how pathetic this Sue is. She simply adds NOTHING to the story. The main trio certainly don’t need her. They’ve done their work on the case and solved the mystery themselves. She is completely POINTLESS. *Shakes head* I mean, I knew Sues failed at being characters, but I never thought I’d see a character fail at being a Sue.
I immediately began to tell them what I knew.
Mantra: And how, exactly, would that help them? Did you really think a vague explanation from your mom is going to be more thorough than a book, which has the specific purpose of informing readers?
Nagare: She’s just desperately scrambling at any sign that she might actually be useful to the main trio. It’s really quite sad…
"Fluffy is guarding something called the Philosopher's stone, also known as the Sorcerer's stone," I told them quickly,
Mantra: No. No, it’s not fucking called that. It’s one or the other, depending on what country you’re in, but never the both!
making them all stare at me wide eyed.
Nagare: (Canon characters) Who the hell is she again?
Mantra: Yeah, nice try. They’re not going to be all awe and shock at your brilliant discovery. And the readers most certainly aren’t, either. Face it, Sue, you might as well not exist for all the importance you have to the plot.
"What?" Harry asked, being the first to recover.
Mantra: (Harry) I thought this was movie canon? Where did you get the idea that the Philosopher’s Stone was also called the Sorcerer’s Stone?
"I asked my mother if she had ever heard of the name Nicholas Flamel," I explained.
Nagare: (Sue) And BOOM! I cut this book about a third shorter! That’s a good thing, right?
Mantra: (Sue) Come on, guys. The Suethor got bored with this story, so we have to hurry through the plot.
"Of course! Here it is!" Hermione exclaimed, having opened a book to a page. "'Nicholas Flamel is the only known maker of the Sorcerer's Stone. The Sorcerer's Stone is a legendary substance with astonishing powers. It will transform any metal into pure gold and produce the Elixir of Life which will make the drinker immortal-"
Nagare: IF YOU WERE JUST GOING TO HAVE HERMIONE DO HER INFO-DUMP ANYWAY, THEN WHY BOTHER WITH THE SUE’S AMAZING REVELATION? ARGH!
Mantra: Because skipping any canon dialogue would require far too much creativity and work.
"Immortal?" Ron asked to himself.
"It means you'll never die,"
Mantra: *Snorts* Look at that. She came babbling in excitement, and yet the canon characters just go right back to completely ignoring her. Both Hermione and her deliver the news of what’s going on, and yet all they care about is what Hermione says. She’s so pathetic that I almost want to give her a gold start for effort.
"I know what it means!" Harry and I both hushed him and turned back to Hermione and her book.
Nagare: NO. You do not fucking get away with that. Harry is fucking invested in what’s going on! Harry has developed a close enough relationship with Ron that he can get away wish shushing him. Harry is actually LIKEABLE. YOU. ARE. FUCKING. NOT. So don’t you fucking go around shushing characters far, FAR superior to you, you bitch!
Mantra: So, this fic is basically just exactly the same as canon, except with 100% more redundancy now that a completely unnecessary character is in the main cast? Again, I don’t see the point of inserting yourself in the Harry Potter universe if all you’re going to do is repeat after others!
"'The only stone currently in existence belongs to Mr. Nicholas Flamel, the noted alchemist who last year celebrated his 665th birthday,'," Hermione finished.
"That's what Fluffy's guarding on the third floor. That's what's under the trap door. The Sorcerer's Stone," I told them.
Nagare: Well, there you go. That’s not all she does. She also makes sure to steal Hermione’s thunder whenever she can, as if that’ll make the readers warm up to her more.
Mantra: And be even more redundant at the same time, too, considering she’s already told them exactly that at the beginning of the scene. Just because YOU are stupid, dear, doesn’t mean everyone is.
Suddenly Neville hopped into the Great Hall looking at if his legs had been stuck together.
Nagare: This scene actually isn’t in the movie, as far as I know. Of course, it’s still pretty much copy-pasted word for word from canon.
Mantra: Makes sense that the Suethor would insert a scene where her Sue can show off her healing powers and hopefully appear actually useful to the plot.
Nagare: Though I note that she never showed any scenes featuring the Mirror of Erised. I smell a huge asspull coming up at the end of the fic…
Mantra: Trust her to leave out all the scenes that mattered.
Nagare: And wait a minute, they were in the GREAT HALL? I thought this scene was supposed to be set in the common room?
Mantra: But the Sue needs more witness to her great and wonderful act of helping Neville! …Though the scene makes no sense if it was set in the Great Hall. I hardly think Neville would be wandering around somewhere so public after being cursed like that, especially in view of the Slytherins.
"Leg Locker Curse," I murmured to Harry as he stared at Neville as he hopped over to us.
Mantra: BUTT OUT. Harry fucking knew that! Everyone in the room knew that in canon, because they weren’t idiots! All you’re doing here is stating the obvious and being freaking redundant!
Nagare: If you have to render the rest of the characters brain dead to look smart, then you might want to stop proclaiming that you’re a fucking genius!
"Malfoy," Harry said instantly.
Mantra: And thank you for making Harry a prejudiced bastard. In canon, Neville admitted that it was Malfoy himself. Here, you’re just making Harry look like an asshole, making assumptions like that, no matter how justified they may be.
Nagare: And in canon, the characters helped Neville FIRST, before asking any questions. Here, you just make them look self-absorbed, being more concerned about their rivalry with Malfoy than helping their friend!
"You have got to start standing up to people, Neville," I told him as he hopped up beside me.
Mantra: SHUT THE FUCK UP, NEVILLE THE SNAKE KILLER NEEDS NO ADVICE FROM YOU!
Nagare: And how nice of you to victim-blame Neville, as if it’s his fault that he got attacked, because he couldn’t stand up for himself. Well, FUCK YOU. You’ve got nothing on Hermione, who was actually fucking compassionate enough to help Neville and listen to HIS side of the story before making assumptions about the strength of his character!
"How? I can barely stand at all," he exclaimed as he nearly fell over. I quickly grabbed his sleeve and steadied him.
Mantra: Of course, you make absolutely no attempt to counter the curse. Nope, you’re just going to let him hop around for your amusement. Didn’t you notice in canon that Hermione was the only one who didn’t laugh at Neville? And that we were supposed to admire her for that, as it showed she was kind and empathetic and really cared about Neville?
"I'll do the counter curse," Seamus said, standing up his wand in hand.
Nagare: Of course, she has to negate all signs of Hermione’s nobility and kindness by making the others eager to help as well. FUCK YOU, bitch.
Mantra: Don’t fucking SAY you’re going to do it! Just fucking DO it! It’s not like Neville cares who casts the counter-curse!
"No!" Neville nearly yelled. "That's all I need, for you to catch my bloody knee caps on fire,"
Mantra: Of course, it was implied in canon that Hermione was the only one who knew the counter-curse and could perform it with confidence. But of course, we won’t see any of that here. She’s a main character and has huge numbers of fans supporting her getting together with Harry, so she must die in a fire.
Seamus slammed his wand down on the table and glared at Neville. "I don't appreciate insinuations, Longbottom!
Nagare: Oh, goddammit, I know the Gryffindors had their arguments and fights, but for the most part, they fucking stuck together! They didn’t condescend to each other like that! That’s something SNAPE might say! Did you see canon at all?
Mantra: She has to make every single character an utter bitch, you see, so that her bitchiness doesn’t stand out. Of course, she fails.
Besides, if anyone cares to notice my eyebrows have completely grown back!" With that he stormed off,
Mantra: -like a tantrumming 2-year-old. What was the point of that scene again? What did Seamus do to you that you’re bashing him like this?
Nagare: I have a feeling that this is meant to be humorous. I, for one, am not amused.
revealing the bald spot of the back of his head where his "eyebrows" had been taken from.
Mantra: Looks like you’re right. Suethor, not all of your readers are sociopaths. None of us will be laughing at Neville’s misfortune. YOU FUCKING FAIL.
Nagare: What the hell? He’s not good enough to perform a counter-curse, and yet he’s good enough to perfectly transport the hair from one part of his body to another? Because the latter seems far more complicated than the former.
"Don't worry, Neville, I'll fix you,"
Mantra: (Sue) I’ll get rid of all of that pesky canon characterisation and make you into my loyal groupie! Yay!
Nagare: NEVILLE. NEEDS. NO. FIXING. Hands off of him, Sue.
I said stand,
Nagare: *Groans* God, the grammar actually causes me physical pain.
pulling my wand from it's holder
Mantra: She has a wand holster? OH MY GOD, IT’S ROSE POTTER!!!
and pointing it down at his legs. "Legoleaso,"
Nagare: WTF?
Mantra: I don’t know. All I got is that the Sue turned Neville’s legs into Lego.
(Author's Note; Yes I made it up…)
Mantra: ONE OF THE FIRST FUCKING RULES OF WRITING IS THAT YOU NEVER PUT AN AUTHOR’S NOTE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STORY. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU, SUETHOR?
Nagare: And there was no need to make anything up! You could have just did what canon did and said she ‘performed the counter-curse’ and left it at that! At this point, you’re going out of your way to rape canon!
With that Neville moved, his legs separate again.
Nagare: Well, the Sue clearly failed here too, because that’s not how the counter-curse is supposed to work. It should make his legs spring apart, not move him around.
"Thanks," he smiled as both of us sat down.
"Don't mention it," I smiled back.
Mantra: Is anyone even surprised that Hermione is relegated to twiddling her thumbs in this scene too? If we get to go after this Sue, I’m voting we let Hermione deliver the final blow.
Nagare: Agreed. And again, I have to comment on the placement of this scene. Originally, it happened BEFORE the trio found out about Flamel. When Harry gave Neville a chocolate frog to console him, the card inside reminded him of where he had first heard Flamel’s name, which then reminded Hermione which book contained information on him. Not only does this show Harry’s growing friendship with Neville, but it also gives Neville a crucial part of the story. Harry would never have figured out the mystery if it weren’t for him.
By insisting that the Sue discover the mystery just by asking her mom a question, the Suethor not only negated Hermione’s role in the story, but made Neville nothing more than a background character to laugh at too. And that makes me VERY angry.
Mantra: If she ever writes Rebecca Sherwood and the Deathly Hallows and makes her Sue be the one to decapitate Naginni, I am not even kidding, I will NUKE this place.
"Look at you, playing with your cards. Pathetic," Hermione murmured looking at Ron.
The Voice: *Interrupts* Forgive me if I’m wrong, but I skimmed the original book again, and this scene seems to be completely original. Of course, it does nothing but portray Hermione as a bitch, make the Sue out to be some kind of prodigy, and shove the stupid, awkward humour of this Suethor down our throats. How nice.
Mantra: If you have to completely change her personality in order for the Sue to have a reason to hate Hermione, then MAYBE YOU SHOULDN’T HATE HERMIONE. Sure, she gets frustrated with how Harry and Ron don’t study as much as her, but she would NEVER call her friends “pathetic”!
Nagare: And what a BRILLIANT transition from the scene with Neville. It’s so smooth that I nearly broke my neck.
"We've got final exams coming up soon,"
Mantra: You do? The way this Suethor skips around in the timeline, you could be anywhere from 2 weeks after just starting school or way after the exams are finished.
"I'm ready. Ask me any question," Ron challenged.
Nagare: RON. IS. NOT. STUPID. He is a bit impulsive and does let his emotions direct his actions, but he’s not fucking STUPID. He KNOWS Hermione is going to take him up on that challenge! And he KNOWS he won’t be able to answer, because there’s no way he knew as much as Hermione. All he’s doing is purposefully setting himself up for an embarrassing fall!
"All right," Hermione smiled, looking over at me.
Mantra: This is a matter between her and Ron! Why is she randomly dragging the Sue into this? They don’t even know her that well!
Nagare: Because, of course, the Sue is vastly more knowledgeable than Hermione and can come up with harder questions.
Mantra: I really need to murder a few dozen people right now.
"What are the three most crucial ingredients in a Forgetfulness potion?" I asked.
Nagare: Forgetfulness potion? What kind of name is THAT? Is even that much originality too much to ask?
Mantra: What do you think? And what do you mean by ‘most crucial ingredients’? Much like chemical reactions, there is no such thing as ‘most crucial’. Every single ingredient is needed in exact amounts, or it wouldn’t work! If there were ingredients that weren’t crucial, they wouldn’t be taught about!
"I forgot," Ron muttered, making Harry and I chuckle softly.
Mantra: And you can SHUT THE FUCK UP, because the only reason you know more than him is because you’re the Suethor’s Pet! Ron is more awesome than you ANY DAY!
"And what will you do, may I ask, if this comes up in the final exam?" Hermione asked.
"Copy off you," Ron tried.
"No you won't!" Hermione exclaimed.
Mantra: (Hermione) You’ll copy off the Sue, because SHE’s the smartest witch in the year now!
"Besides, according to Professor McGonagall, we are to be given special quills bewitched with an Anti Cheating spell,"
Nagare: Uh…and how would that work? How would the quill know if you’re looking in certain directions? Would it read your mind? Seriously, how would the mechanics work?
Mantra: And “It’s magic!” doesn’t excuse you either, because we have a pretty good idea of what magic in the Harry Potter universe is capable of, and it CERTAINLY can’t give Quills mind-reading powers.
"That's insulting! It's as if they don't trust us!" Ron exclaimed, making me roll my eyes.
Nagare: I’d say that’s insulting because it’s clearly untrue, and thus McGonagall would be trolling you.
Mantra: Wait a minute. If McGonagall said this in class, then how come Ron doesn’t know about it? Or are you saying that Hermione is getting inside information from teachers, and that’s why she’s so good at academics?
Nagare: Wouldn’t surprise me…
"I wonder why," I muttered looking back down at my history book.
"Dumbledore again," Ron exclaimed throwing down one of his cards.
Mantra: *Falls off chair* What the fuck was up with that transition?
Nagare: What are they playing? The only cards that have people on them are the ones in chocolate frogs, and those are trading cards! I don’t think you can actually play games with them!
Mantra: At this point, the Suethor is just letting a rabid monkey loose on her keyboard and hoping what comes out makes sense.
Nagare: I don’t think she ever bothered about whether something made sense in this fic.
The Voice: Well, horrible as that was, this chapter is officially over, so you two go enjoy a break. The next chapter is the longest one yet, as it attempts to cover the entire Norbert arc and the detention in the forest.
Mantra: I can taste the pain.
Go Back to: Chapter 5, Part 2
Go Forward to: Chapter 7, Part 1