Ignorance is Bliss: Chapter 8, Part 2
Only one thing was running through my head. ‘What’s wrong? What’s wrong? Tell me what’s wrong.’ It was his voice calling to me.
Mantra: And she's went right back to having exactly NOTHING in her mind except stimulus, response, stimulus, response, stimulus, response, ad infinitem.
Naruto: Wow, he's actually talking now?
It sounded slightly panicked. I guess at the time he didn’t need a dead obnoxious 14 year old girl in his salon.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 20
WANGSTMUFFIN: 40
Mantra: Or, you know, he could just be worried. Just because you're a sociopath, doesn't mean EVERYONE is.
Naruto: Obviously she must think if she likes or doesn't like something, everyone does!
‘My head hurts…’ I whimpered to him. Never having shared my pain with another living being, I felt relieved.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 42
Mantra: Oh yeah, you're so totally strong and a total Action Girl. I buy that.
Naruto: You know what would make you even more relieved? Aspirin.
He gently, or rather uncertainly laid his hand on my forehead. The coldness of his palm felt good and it helped the pain.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 22
WANGSTMUFFIN: 43
Mantra: ...And she even draws religious metaphors in their romance. What, do you think you're love is oh so holy and pure? He's a fucking VAMPIRE.
SOS: We're given absolutely NO reason why he would be particularly attracted to her. Just BOOM, he's suddenly all touchy-feely with her now. So, I can only draw one conclusion.
She's got great tits and he wants to fuck her.
And a relationship built on that is just so very healthy and sustainable, isn't it?
Naruto: Of course! Just look at the way Karin was always coming on to Sasuke!
I realized that we were moving. He was carrying me. I didn’t feel the movement itself, but the changes in the ceiling above, had given me a hint.
Mantra: ...And you've officially reached Bella Swan levels of unawareness. Congratulations. *Slow clap*
Naruto: Next thing you know, she won't find her lips!
His arms were hard, like a rock and I remember randomly wondering if he works out.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 23
Mantra: Sue, hard muscles from working out still feels significantly different to MARBLE. ...But then again, she doesn't notice being picked up and moved...
Naruto: DUH. Why else would you think his arm was hard?
Suddenly I felt soft sheets beneath me. The cold hand never left my forehead.”
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 24
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 57 (Of course, every person she meets falls all over themselves to help her.)
Mantra: ...And now he's just creepy. Who the fuck lays a complete stranger in their bed whilst groping them?
Naruto: Wait wait wait wait! A bed? Where'd the bed come from?!
Mantra: It conveniently popped into existence so that the Sue can have simultaneous-orgasming, soul-bonding, healing sex off screen.
Naruto: ....So, kind of like Make Out Paradise?
Mantra: Except a lot more chaste and harlequin, yes.
“When my headache stopped, Ian did my hair for me. Apparently the appointment lasted four hours.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 25
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 58 (Because of COURSE, he’d give up his job for you. With your face, what man could resist?)
Mantra: And it's just BULLSHIT to tell me that she didn't feel good enough to get up for FOUR FUCKING HOURS. Like I said, they totally fucked each other senseless off screen. What other reason would he have to let his business potentially fail by accepting no clients for four hours?
Naruto: You're right, they were definitely doing it.
He also did my makeup. He’s amazing at his job.
Mantra: No. He MAY be amazing, but not at his job. His job has nothing to do with make-up.
SOS: Of fucking COURSE. Is there ONE person in this fic who isn't a Sue or a Stu?
NG55: To be fair, sometimes hair salons have makeup artists, or a hair stylist that also can work as a makeup artist. But in this, it just comes off as pretentious and tacked on. Besides, for modeling, you often need an entire team of makeup artists, especially if it's for a photo shoot.
The reviews from my debut were incredible. I like to think it was because of him.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 59 (Conveniently also implying that it might not be because of him, and just because she had naturally great tits.)
Mantra: Thereby admitting that you have no talent. Nice one.
Naruto: (Naomi) All the sex we had just made my skin glow!
“From then on, I always went to Ian. We talked for hours.
Mantra: Even though he has a fucking job? And he likely has to work insane hours because he refuses to get apprentices or other employees? Well, are you a selfish little bitch. And isn't he a stupid bastard.
Naruto: Talked for hours while screwing each other's brains out? ...Does that even work?
Mantra: Well, as long as they're not sixty-nining, I see no reason for it not to work.
That is also how I came to know he was a vampire.
Mantra: ...even though you can read his mind, and found out about the Cullens' entire history just by being near Jasper? Just how does your power fucking work? What, is it just Asspull Central?
Naruto: That seems to be the only explanation…
Even though he avoided thinking about it when he was around me, he couldn’t get rid of the thirst that I caused him.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 60 (Given how vampirism = sex? She’s so hot, that he just can’t resist. Yep.)
Mantra: I'm sure Jasper wasn't thinking about every detail of his extensive history for no reason either. And what about BEFORE he noticed you were a mind-reader, huh? God, I never thought I'd see a power less consistent that Alice's.
Naruto: So basically, it just does whatever it wants for the sake of plot convenience?
Mantra: Yep, much like the Sharingan.
At first he walked near me, but never too close,
Mantra: Even though he HELD you and cuddled you the first time you met?
SOS: Well, at least one thing is clear. The Sue definitely doesn't have nice-smelling blood at all. When Emmett met a bacon person, he only got a faint whiff of her from afar and HE. WENT. INSANE. And he literally tracked her down and killed her because that was all he could think about. Here? As long as he was only NEAR her, he was perfectly okay.
Mantra: Jasper showed more difficulty around normal fucking humans who didn't have special blood at all. So, all we can discern is that the Sue's blood stinks, apparently.
Naruto: Wow! You're right! She does stink! ....Or her Bacon Blood lasts for about five minutes and then is of no trouble. Just look at Bella. By the time Twilight was done, Edward didn't even care about her blood anymore.
but that changed soon. We were always together. Even under the California sun.
SOS: Here, I don't think you guys saw that. Let me help.
Even under the California sun.
Mantra: There are no words except THIS:
Naruto: Hm, he must've dressed like an old time Ninja. You know, skin-tight full body suit, only a slit for his eyes?
He came to most of my photo shoots.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 61
Mantra: ....
Naruto: Since she's a minor posing for Victoria's Secret...I don't think I want to know what he was doing the whole time.
Mantra: I don't think I want to know what the Volturi was doing the whole time.
Not once did he ever attack me, not once did he loose control around me.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 63 (Because you’re just THAT loveable.)
Mantra: Mainly because your blood smells like poop.
Wait a minute...
Naruto: So he must be as old as the Volturi if he's managed to control himself. But even that doesn't say anything.
SOS: Nope, even the Volturi go crazy around blood. Only if you’ve been consistently abstaining from blood do you build up resistance over time. And given that he still has red eyes? BULLSHIT.
Tears were running down Nami’s cheeks. She wiped quickly wiped them off with the palms of her hands. “Sorry. It’s just... all this time I haven’t told anyone and…” She sounded agitated.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 3
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 26
WANGSTMUFFIN: 46
Mantra: Agitated is what I feel when my order at restaurants arrive too late. I really don't think that's what you're going for here.
Naruto: Agitated is when I don't have money for ramen! This is NOT agitated!
“It’s okay of you don’t want to go on with the story. This must be so hard for you.” Carlisle gently patted her head.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 27
WANGSTMUFFIN: 48
SOS: (Carlisle) No one asked you about this story anyways and, frankly, you're just wasting our time. I'm really not interested in hearing all about your sappy, teenage romance.
Mantra: Well, at least it's nice to see someone treating the Sue like the bitch she is.
Her tears were gone, her green eyes determined. Only traces remained of the salty water that rolled down her pale face.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 67
Mantra: Sue, no offense, but you SUCK at acting. Just go back to blatantly fishing for sympathy, because when you try to be subtle, you just look ridiculous.
Naruto: Oh come on, it takes a few minutes to gather yourself after feeling THAT emotional!
“No, if I don’t get it out now, I’ll always find an excuse to run away.” The doctor seemed uncertain, but nodded and leaned back on the couch.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 68 (Yep, you’re so totally deep and profound.)
SOS: (Carlisle) Damn, she's already been going on for HOURS. Just because I'm immortal, doesn't mean I have time to sit around all day and listen to her sob story. What should I do?
Mantra: And...what prompted this epiphany, exactly? People don't just wake up one day and go, 'Nope, totally not gonna keep running away now.' Some event needs to happen in order to spark personal reflection and discovery. I guess it's just even more evidence that this is all an act...
NG55: Remember in Silent Hill 2, when James finally faced his own demons and denial, and refused to run away any longer? That was actually a significant moment.
Here? This is nothing! It's just more padding and an excuse to get out her backstory! More and more exposition we don't care about!
“Of course, Ian is quite the charismatic person. He has all sorts of friends.
Mantra: (Sue) And we had regular orgies every Friday night!
Naruto: Hey, they're banging all the time, no wonder they get others to join in!
That’s why it wasn’t unusual for a nomad or two to stop by and visit him.
Mantra: And murder people in the neighbourhood and messily eat them...probably while he participates too. Really, he probably ate a baby at one point in his life.
He told me that it was better to meet at my place, so I wouldn’t leave too much of my scent in the salon.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 69 (Because, you know, you have such AWESOME blood.)
Mantra: Because his friends want to eat you. Because they're murderers. And he's a murderer too.
Naruto: She must give great sex, no wonder he won't kill her.
He didn’t want to give them a reason to track me.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 70
Mantra: God, how much does it take for this to get through you SKULL?
SOS: Here, let me help.
He's a MASS-MURDERING PSYCHOPATH. HE MURDERS PEOPLE. REMORSELESSLY. AND PROBABLY HAS DONE SO FOR A FEW CENTURIES. HE HAS A BODY COUNT IN THE THOUSANDS. AND HE'S NOT SORRY FOR THEM. BECAUSE HE'S A MASS-MURDERING PSYCHOPATH
AND HE HAS MASS-MURDERING FRIENDS. WHO HE MURDERS WITH. AND HE LIKES THEM. BECAUSE HE MURDERS PEOPLE WITH THEM. AND HE WANTS TO MURDER YOU. ALL THE TIME. AND THE ONLY REASON HE DOESN'T IS BECAUSE HE WANTS TO FUCK YOU EVEN MORE
HE DOESN'T FUCKING CARE ABOUT YOU. BECAUSE YOU'RE CATTLE. REALLY SEXY CATTLE. BUT STILL CATTLE. HE WANTS TO KILL YOU AND EAT YOU. BECAUSE HE'S A MASS-MURDERER. AND HE LIKES BEING A MASS-MURDERER.
There, you got that?
Naruto: So, he's an Edward clone through and through? ...Just missing the hurricane hair?
He never came late or forgot to call me. I had never felt a strong bond towards anyone, but Ian was my only friend and family.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 71
WANGSTMUFFIN: 50
SOS: AND HE'S ALSO A MASS-FUCKING-MURDER. WHO WANT'S TO MURDER YOU. BECAUSE HE WANTS TO EAT YOU. GODDAMMIT, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?
With him there, work didn’t seem like such a torture. I was having so much fun. I practiced ballet, I smiled, I laughed.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 51
Mantra: Ballet DOES NOT EQUAL work, you fucktard. Your enjoyment had nothing to do with him and everything to do with how you're neglecting your career in favour of a hobby.
Naruto: Seriously! When you like doing something, it's already fun and enjoyable! Did Mary Poppins teach you NOTHING?!
And then I had to go and ruin it all. I was offered a job in Volterra last summer. It was just an excuse for my boss to go on vacation, but I was the one who happily accepted the offer.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 28
WANGSTMUFFIN: 53
Mantra: Excuse for your boss to go on vacation? I'm sorry, but I don't care HOW famous you are, the boss of the entire company of Victoria's Secret is NOT going to accompany you everywhere. If he wants a vacation, he can HAVE a vacation, whether you're involved or not.
Ian had warned me about the Volturi, but I was stupid enough to ignore him.
Mantra: And lampshading stupidity doesn't make the stupid not stupid any more. You're still a dumbass, and admitting it only makes me more irritated because YOU NEVER BOTHERED CHANGING.
Naruto: One, yes you are. Two, I know why you said that. You want everyone to disagree with you, saying you were not stupid.
I invited him along, and even used dirty tactics to persuade him when he refused. I told him that someone might find out that I know and they would kill me if he wasn’t there.
Mantra: Ah, so you used the good, old, 'I'll kill myself if you leave me!' card. Oh, and even indirectly threatened HIS life too, since he'll get in trouble, too. Damn, that psychotic girlfriend handbook came in handy, didn't it?
Naruto: Wow, she's even worse than Karin! *Earns a chorus of booing yet again* Oh, get over yourselves!
I made him feel guilty.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 54
Mantra: No. You made him feel threatened. You told him you'd rain the wrath of the Volturi down on him if he didn't comply. We all know what you did - don't try to sugar-coat it.
Naruto: I can just imagine how their conversation went!
(Sue): Hey Ian, I'm going to Volterra for a photo shoot! Isn't that awesome?!
(Ian): But Naomi, that's dangerous. I've warned you about the Volturi. If you go out there, you're more at risk of getting caught by them. You really shouldn't go.
(Sue): Nonsense! Nothing could happen to me! Besides, if you don't come, I'll make sure they're on your ass like white on rice!
I was so used to him spoiling me and he did everything I asked him to do.”
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 73
Mantra: So you have yourself a sex slave. ...What made you think this was anything close to a friendship again?
Naruto: Who needs friendship when you can have a boyfriend? Yeah, nothing about this seems to scream friendship.
Mantra: Or even romance. This is imprinting by another name. That's all.
“When we arrived I was thrilled to see the sights. History is another passion of mine.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 74
SOS: I suppose this is why you went ahead and absolutely DEFILED Victorian designs by mixing it with clashing modern elements? And this is why we never hear about your history lessons or ever see you reading about history in private?
Naruto: If you like history, fine. More power to you, but don't just tack it on for no reason!
Of course the Volturi had hired ordinary people to be on watch, to prevent humans from discovering the existence of the vampire world.
Mantra: By hiring normal people to be on watch, aren't they spreading the knowledge of vampires by default? I mean, those people have to know what they're looking for in order to do their jobs, and in the age of instant communication, it's far too easy to start spreading information at a rate that no one can stop...
Naruto: Word travels fast, after all!
We were spotted.”
“When Demetri and Felix came to get us I wasn’t surprised. Ian had warned me that they were coming.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 75 (And she’s eternally unflappable, too!)
Mantra: And you didn't care even if you've broken their law and BOTH of you will be messily slaughtered because...? Seriously, what the fuck is up with you? If I remember correctly, MOST humans had a survival instinct, right?
Naruto: Oh for crying out loud, what is UP with her?! Does she not know a human reaction to things?! I know it's hard to empathize, but that's when you try to put yourself in that situation!
You see he is a tracker, and not only that but he also has the ability to sense or read the abilities of other vampires. Similar to Eleazar.
Mantra: AND WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST SAY SO IN THE BEGINNING? Why did we need to know all that back story? Just tell us this and be DONE with it! Long, extended flashbacks should only be done when you KNOW what you're doing!
SOS: And trackers can't tell someone's about to come to them. Unless he's tried to track Demetrix AND Felix before, then he won't have any fucking idea. And if he has, you'd think the Volturi would send someone else out for him - because they DO have more than two guards, you know.
Naruto: Obviously the Suethor made up her own rules and doesn't even know much of the Volturi. Then again, Bella is an unreliable narrator most of the time, anyway.
Actually, now that I think about it, Eleazar and Carmen came to visit Ian.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 29
Mantra: HOW. FUCKING. CONVENIENT.
Really, Suethor, it's not like you have qualms against using original characters. You don't have to squeeze in canon characters EVERYWHERE.
SOS: Actually, now that I think about it...how can Ian have TWO powers? Isn't that pretty much impossible? Well, not that I was expecting this Sue to follow canon...
Naruto: Sue's Own Rules. There's so much here, barely anyone would question it.
They were the only ones I was able to meet with Ian’s full approval.
Mantra: And whenever she tries to meet someone he doesn't approve of, he dismantles her car engine as a warning.
Naruto: And he regularly sneaks into her room and sniffs her panties for evidence of unapproved arousal, too! How sweet!
Then I met Garrett too. He dropped by unexpectedly.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 30
SOS: Then, by definition, Eleazer and Carmen weren't the ONLY ones you could meet. It's TWO sentences, Sue. It's not that hard to remember what you typed TWO SENTENCES AGO.
Naruto: I'm going to go get some ramen! Really though, this is just a stupid waste of time. The Suethor needs to work on her pacing. I have no idea what I said I was going to do two sentences ago!
He was quite entertaining.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 76
Mantra: ...I think I just got a vision there.
I see the Sue...looming over a stage, holding up the strings of all the canon characters and making them dance to her whims, having already rendered them down to lifeless husks of their former selves. And she looks down, upon the ridiculous display they are putting on, at the beacon of the slightest twitch of her fingers, and she lets out a small, quiet...giggle.
Naruto: That's....insanely creepy. O.o
He was shocked too see me at the salon, but didn’t mind me. I think he could be vegetarian, don’t you?” Nami laughed her sadness evaporating.
NICKNAME MISUSE: 4
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 77 (Yep, the Sue knows best. She can dictate anyone’s life however she wishes, because she’s just so smart and astute and all.)
Mantra: (Sue) Yeeeeeees, my minions. Dance for me! Dance!
Naruto: *Holds head* Just how many pointless tangents are there in this goddamned flashback?
“They took us underground. It was quite grand inside, although watching the girl at the reception was quite disturbing. It was obvious she wanted to be turned too, but I felt sorry for her since there’s a small chance that they actually will.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 79 (Because you’re so superior to her, what with throwing your humanity away and becoming a fucktoy to a monster.)
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 31
Mantra: Oh, are you SO very smart, figuring it out like that. After all, it's not like you've read the books, right? This is all PURE genius on your part, right?
SOS: I don't know, but personally, I would have felt sorry since she was aspiring to such an empty goal, wanting nothing more in life than to strip herself of her own humanity. That's just sad. But then again, I'm not a sociopath that idolises vampires.
Ian had met the Volturi before and this wasn’t pleasant for him. I could tell. My guilt was too great to allow my fear to surface.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 55
Mantra: But it's evidently not enough for you to apologise or anything. But no. You're a Sue. You're never wrong, are you?
Naruto: A Sue, apologizing and admitting a mistake? That's about as likely as Sasuke doing that!
Aro immediately liked me. He told me that it would be great if I join them as soon as Ian turned me into a vampire.
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 32
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 81
SOS: Oh, you promise us a more detailed backstory, and yet NEVER tell us WHY Aro didn't just change you himself? AKA, the only question we fucking CARED about? Bullshit!
Naruto: Ooh, Aro was there? Oooh, I bet he was as awesome as he was in the movie! Yeah!!
NG55: Actually Naruto, you might want to turn to the book for that reference.
Naruto: *Pouts* Not fair!
Of course all the while, I was hearing his evil plots for world domination.
Mantra: DUDE, even in the book versions, he wasn't fucking interested in world domination! He was interested in the EXACT FUCKING OPPOSITE, in fact. He wanted vampires to be as distant from humanity and cause as little collateral damage as possible!
He collects people with nice powers and wants nebulous power over vampiric society, but he never wanted to rule the fucking world! In fact, he's trying to SEPERATE vampire and human society as much as possible so that we won't be disturbed!
Naruto: Wow, a villain who didn't want to take over the world....and yet all of this happens, and then the Suethor twists it around? So now he wants world domination? REALLY? For an avid fan of the books, you'd think you would know better! But nope, evil villain ALWAYS means they want to take over the world. Honestly!
He should have laughed like one of those cartoon villains and the scene would have been complete. It took me all I had not to collapse on the ground in hysterics.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 82
Mantra: Again, coming from any other person, I would have cheered. But from you? FUCK NO. You have no fucking right. At least Aro was ENTERTAINING in his cheesiness in the movie. Not a single incarnation of you is anywhere NEAR amusing.
Naruto: So you're laughing at a villain like that? Right...that only works if he's more hammy than a threat. It's not always easy to make a villain entertaining, and yet a genuine threat.
Aro did get a little annoyed by my thoughts, but Marcus seemed to find it funny. I heard him snort in his mind. I’m not sure if it was at me or at Aro.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 83
Mantra: Marcus? Snort? Dude, that guy only has ONE emotion: wangsting.
SOS: When in doubt, ALWAYS assume that people aren't ditching their allies for millennia in favour of you.
Naruto: Really, Sue? REALLY? Everything has to be about you, doesn't it? Here's an idea. Make like a bee and buzz off!
Jane came with her catch for the night.
Mantra: Vampires bait people by using their sexual appeal, Jane is in her very early teens and clearly a child.........
DUDE, what the fuck is wrong with you?
Naruto: *Yawns* Oh, hi Jane. Nope, I know it's book Jane, so I don't give a flying feather.
She immediately disliked me, because Aro liked me. Seriously, what kind of a reason is that?
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 34
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 85
Mantra: It's called jealousy, and it means that as flat as she is, she still has more personality and motivation than you. Have fun with that.
Naruto: ....Seriously? ....Seriously? JANE? The woman who can cause immense amount of pain to someone without even moving? She's JEALOUS? Oh please! If she was jealous, she could dispatch of the Sue in an INSTANT.
She was quite cruel. The pain was too much,
Mantra: And...when did she pain you? What?
Naruto: *Sighs* There just isn't any tension here. It's a flashback, we know the Sue came out of it okay.
but for Ian’s sake I didn’t utter a sound, I didn’t shed a tear. I acted as if it didn’t affect me at all. I grabbed my knees and lay still until she stopped.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 89
Mantra: BULL-FUCKING-SHIT. It's the in-universe CRUCIATUS curse. It's not a fucking migraine! I don't fucking believe a fragile flower whose worst experience with pain comes from BALLET practice can withstand that for ANY reason. FUCK YOU.
NG55: Oh please! You're not at the dentist getting a cavity filled! Get over yourself! Why would Ian care?!
SOS: Pain is fucking PAIN, bitch. The Power of Love is not THAT powerful.
I took my mind of the pain by wondering if it was that kind of pain that I had to endure when Ian turned me.
Mantra: ...and you think the receptionist is pathetic. Lady, if the ONLY thing you can think about when you're being tortured is having metaphorical sex with someone, then you are really goddamned sad.
Naruto: I KNEW IT! She does want to turn into a vampire! And there you have it! Hey, remember when Bella had ONE bite on her wrist and she was screaming bloody murder? But then when she was being turned, she felt as if she were ONE FIRE...and yet didn't even MOVE? And in the movie, when we saw Riley literally convulsing and screaming on the ground after he was bitten and slowly turning?
As for him, it seemed Jane had a liking towards him.
Mantra: ...because of...? What? Are you going to give us any reasons? Didn't you JUST say that Jane was in love with ARO? And now she has a crush on Ian?
SOS: It's another staple in romance - there must be another girl who pines after the male love interest, and who is clearly portrayed to be evil. This way, not only do we see how popular and desirable the male lead is (and thus how great the female lead must be to deserve such a prize) but also know that the female lead is ALWAYS superior to her rivals.
Naruto: Oh please, we all know Jane's true love is Alec. *Snicker*
We were released with the promise that Ian will soon turn me into a vampire.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 90 (She basically just said the Volturi were as enamoured by her as by Bella. That’s some SERIOUS self-praising in the Twilight universe.)
Mantra: Oh, bullshit. Just because it worked for Bella Sue, doesn't mean it works for EVERYONE. The Volturi would have NO trouble killing the shit out of you. Especially since they most certainly weren't friends with Ian, as they were with Carlisle.
Naruto: ....Really? Really? You really think THAT would work? And hey, just to recap, look how well THAT turned out!
I guess my silence during Jane’s torture was enough persuasion that I was going to handle the transformation. After all, why else would I go through all the trouble?”
Mantra: You DIDN'T choose to go through all this trouble. You were forced into it. There's a fucking difference. Your endurance would just tell them you had a high pain-threshold, not that you wanted to experience that pain again!
Naruto: Jeez, make them sound like Dominatrix Sadists why don't you?
“I hated myself. Because of me Ian was beating himself up. He thought it was his entire fault. That idiot.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 56
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 92
Mantra: I completely agree. It's entirely your fault. So...why aren't you apologising again? No, what do you mean I'm supposed to disagree with you? It's your fucking FAULT.
Naruto: Of course it's your fault! ....What? I have to disagree? ...It WASN'T your fault? But the entire context says-...oh come on, that's just stupid! You're fishing for sympathy! So no, I don't agree with you!
If he could have cried I swear he would have.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 93
Mantra: How very presumptuous
SOS: Yeah, keep telling yourself that. We all know everyone wants to see you pained more.
Hell, I'd even take traditional torture!
Naruto: (Ian) Oh no, my poor Sex Buddy is in pain! I wish I could cryyyyyy!!!!
When we returned he left me at my apartment, with a simple goodbye. He had never said goodbye to me before. It had always been ‘see you soon’ or ‘later.’ I cried that night for the first time since I met the Volturi. But it wasn’t because I was afraid.”
WANGSTMUFFIN: 59
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 94 (Aww, aren’t you a brave little soldier?)
Mantra: (Sue) *Sob* It was because I've lost my only ticket to immortality and eternal beauty. *Sob*
Naruto: Well no wonder he left you! You've caused him all of this trouble for no good reason other than yourself. Finally, someone who has some common sense in this story! Good work, Ian! At least you got away before it could get any worse!
“He didn’t come to visit me again.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 60
Mantra: A wise man. Take his advice to heart, people. When your girlfriend almost kills you because of her stupidity, it's really time to move on, no matter how great her tits are.
Naruto: Right on! Take a lesson, men and women out there dealing with this kind of crap!
In only two days I was too anxious and went to visit him at the salon. It was closed. I would have collapsed right then and there.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 62
Mantra: This, need I remind you, is the woman who thought the receptionist was pathetic.
Naruto: *Deadpan* Oh no. He's gone. I feel so sorry for her. She lost the only man who wanted to bang her and make her immortal.
But I checked the mailbox. There was a letter. I didn’t want to read it on the street so I took it home.
Mantra: And your house doesn't have a mailbox because...?
The letter told me to take care of myself, do my job, and buy a cat.
Mantra: No, I'm fairly certain that's animal abuse.
Naruto: What the heck is that supposed to mean?!
I laughed. I laughed at his complete insensitivity. I laughed at my naïve self. I laughed at the painful feeling in my chest.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 66
Mantra: I laughed at your cheap melodrama.
SOS: I laughed at the sorry excuse for parallelism and repetition.
Naruto: SERIOUSLY?! They're just doing that?! To toss him away to make sure she'll make room for Emmett?! What the heck?!
She could read his mind! She'd KNOW he was thinking this all along!
He was leaving and he wanted me work and buy a cat?! I guess he figured I was going to become a lonely lady that lives only to take care of her many cats.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 67
Mantra: No, it's called animal therapy. Lady, trying to stretch the truth to THIS degree to make us sympathise with you is just plain ridiculous.
Naruto: *Eye roll* Seriously lady, buying a cat does NOT elude to you being a crazy cat woman! ....Except that one woman. *Shiver*
Well I can’t blame him since I’m a pretty lonely person. I did as he said though. I bought a cat and did my job.
Mantra: And now she magically has time to care for a pet whilst juggling her job and her billions of hobbies?
NG55: Well, to be fair, cats are more independent and can manage themselves for several hours, and even a couple of days. If she had a dog, that would require more care.
I found my escape in books.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 95
Mantra: Which, by definition, MEANS YOU'RE NOT DOING YOUR FUCKING JOB.
Naruto: We're not buying the bookworm thing, Sue!
I think I’ve read more books in the last three months then they have in a library.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 96
Mantra: Wherever you live, they must have tiny, miniscule libraries.
Naruto: Or she just wants to sound cooler that way.
I wanted to hate him or at least not be bothered, since it always turned out that way in the end. Everyone always leaves me, or dies. I shouldn’t have been so surprised.”
WANGSTMUFFIN: 69
Mantra: Wait WHAT? Where did THIS come from? When have we seen ANYONE else leave you, much less die? What the hell? You can't just throw something like this out here and expect us to go along with it! SHOW, dammit!
SOS: ....Everyone always leaves her or dies? OH MY FUCKING GOD, IT'S ARIEL.
NG55: NOOOOOOO!!!!!
Naruto: Um, guys? Did anyone forget that SHE was the one who seemed to have left everybody? While Ian was the only one so far who has left her?
“Even now I can’t bring myself to hate him, I can only soak in my own misery and miss him.
WANGMUFFIN: 71
Mantra: Well, it's not that hard to cure that. *TEARS SUE TO PIECES AND EATS HER*
Naruto: Lady, I've been through pure misery my whole life. But you know what? I got over it. I stood up and told myself to stop crying and MOVE ON. My life sucked, but to heck with that, I vowed to work to make my life better! You could have done that all along, but no, all you do is wallow in self-pity and hope that someone will come along and coddle you.
So instead of drowning in self pity I decided to leave LA and move here where there is rain and privacy.
Mantra: NO. We saw your fucking flashback. We know that's not the reason. You moved here because you're a pansy and needed a vacation, because you like sleeping in. FUCK YOU.
Naruto: You're lazier than Rainbow Dash! Sure, she's lazy, but at least she DOES things! You, on the other hand, FAIL!
A month ago I found this house for sale and renovated it.
Mantra: NO. We know for a fact that the canon Cullens' house was one-of-a-kind and they had no fucking neighbours.
SOS: And if the house was already there, then how come the Cullens never found it or noticed it?
Mantra: Not to mention, it takes more than ONE FUCKING MONTH to completely renovate a house, you idiot!
Naruto: That's not renovating! One room, a few rooms, maybe the outside, whatever! That's renovating. You built a NEW ENTIRE HOUSE.
I ordered the furniture and decorated it all myself.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 97
Mantra: All in ONE-FUCKING-MONTH. With likely custom-made furniture that can't be purchased from mass manufacturers. FUCK YOU.
Naruto: It could not have taken you ONE MONTH!
Of course, since I love flowers so much I had to go and plant this huge garden.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 98
Mantra: And they somehow managed to all bloom in one month. FUCK YOU.
SOS: You fucking dug up a beautiful forest just for a garden? FUUUUUCK YOU! Even disregarding your personal taste, can't you think about the ENVIRONMENT? And deforestation?
Naruto: This is FORKS. You would need plants and flowers that didn't require full sunlight since it RAINS a lot out there or is overcast!
I never though housework could be so much fun.”
Mantra: I never thought housework could rape reality in so many different ways.
SOS: I never thought it was possible to fail research, or even common sense, this much.
Naruto: I never thought that ramen could be even better!
Naomi stared out the glass wall, into the colorful garden she herself had planted. She sighed in relief and smiled.
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 99
WANGSTMUFFIN: 72
Mantra: (Sue) Oh thank god Sporkers aren't hiding in there.
Naruto: That's what you think!
“So, Emmett, now do you see why I didn’t want to tell you? It’s boring and depressing.” Her tone was full of humor.
WANGSTMUFFIN: 74
Mantra: Note the complete absence of a smile on my face.
SOS: Ah, empirical proof that she told that for the specific purpose of fishing for sympathy. CARLISLE asked her about Ian, and yet who does she talk to once she's done with her little sob story? EMMETT. She never answers anything Carlisle asked but went on and on about herself...and she clearly intended it all for EMMETT. Oh, you shameless little whore, you...
Naruto: You could have even just said an abridged version!
SOS: That was a long and gruelling chapter, possibly the longest one yet, but thankfully, it ends here, on that pathetic little note.
Naruto: Phew! I'm outta here, I gotta get ramen! *Runs off*
SOS: See you next time, guys!
FINAL COUNTS:
SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 34 (1.1% or every 86.5 words, which is sort of acceptable, actually. At least it’s a welcome relief from the last chapter.)
WANGSTMUFFIN: 74 (This chapter is 2.5% pure whining, guys, or every 40 words. I’m pretty sure the only thing that rivalled that percentage is the Twilight books themselves.)
SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 99 (Before I even throw any numbers at you…LOOK AT THAT. WE ARE THIS CLOSE TO BREAKING THE 100 THRESHOLD. NINETY-NINE FUCKING TIMES WHERE SHE PRAISED HERSELF. And keep in mind that the Sue was PERSONALLY narrating this chapter. Before, at least the story was in third-person. But here? Oh no, she’s going right out and directly talking about herself as oh so wonderful. The end percentage comes to 3.4% or every 30 words. EVERY THIRTY WORDS. *Kills self*)
NICKNAME MISUSE: 4 (Out of the 7 times the Suethor used the Sue’s name. Really, Suethor, if you can’t keep track of nicknames, then just don’t give your self-insert one. It’s completely unnecessary anyways as it is! It adds nothing to her character and only detracts from your story! Why do you insist upon it?)
Go Forward to: Chapter 9
Go Back to: Chapter 8, Part 1