Ignorance is Bliss: Chapter 7:

[sos_sporkers]

Chapter 7:

And finally I was able to post Chapter 7! Thanks so much to Willyfreak26 for the ah-mazing banner! You are awesome!

Mantra: *Raises eyebrows and bursts out in hysterical laughter* Really, Suethor? REALLY?

Naruto: That banner was stupid! It looked like it literally was cut and pasted together with no effort! Man, did her friend have no skills or just really not want to do it?

Mantra: It just amuses me that she actually thinks it's amazing. Makes sense that she'd have as much taste in art as in literature, huh?

Naruto: No kidding! *Shakes head*

This will be short and sweet,

Mantra: THIS is sweet? It contains vehicular manslaughter and under-aged drinking! What about that is SWEET?

Naruto: If that's short and sweet, then being a ninja in constant turmoil and danger is happy sunshine rainbow time!

Mantra: Looking at your filler episodes...it does seem like it's happy sunshine rainbow time a lot.

so count it as an introduction for the upcoming Chapter 8.

Mantra: Then why isn't this combined with Chapter 8? Why is it split off into its own chapter?

Naruto: The same idiotic reason, to give filler episodes and pad out the series, I mean the fanfic, even more for no reason other than....magic.

Enjoy! Please rate and if you want message me! Thanks a lot!

Mantra: Suethor, don't tempt me. I don't engage in flaming. I have better things to do.

Naruto: I got a message! Dear Suethor, stop writing fanfics that suck!

SOS: And now, since you’re all curious to see the banner: here it is, in all its crappy glory:




SOS: Where do I even BEGIN to describe why that is the single stupidest photo-shop I’ve ever seen?

There’s the fact that the heart is SO obviously Google imaged…the resolution between the different pictures vary highly, the font she used for the writing is impossible to read, especially when coupled with the garish background and the weird white boarder around the letters. The background behind the writing for the characters’ names is pixellated and crappily-done, with Emmett’s background even extending beyond his picture. The pictures are obviously pasted on, with no attempt at integrating them into the background. Thanks to poor sizing skills, it actually goes beyond the border of the heart, making an already hastily put-together photo-shop look even more phoned in. The pink background of the ‘Ignorance’ part is completely random and has no place in the picture, and clashes horribly with the white background. And the red for the ‘Is Bliss’ part is a subtly different shade from the red of the heart, not to mention how it exceeds the border too. And the names of the author and banner-maker and hastily tacked on at the bottom and just makes the whole thing look unfinished.

And then there’s how that picture of Emmett is SO clearly not Emmett, from his stubble to the tan to the sideburns…and when your character IDENTIFIED Emmett as a vampire by the circles under his eyes and his paleness, then it helps if you actually find a picture of him WITH CIRCLES UNDER HIS EYES AND PALE SKIN.

I have no idea who that woman is in the picture for the Sue, but not only does that picture clash against Emmett’s picture in every way, from colour to resolution, the person photo-ed is also the most stereotypical rebellious goth chick I’ve ever seen, and that just takes even MORE away from the already paper thin character. Not to mention, if you whole fic is devoted to wanking how beautiful your OC is, then giving us a photo of her is only going to embarrass herself because, although the woman in the photo is definitely above average in the looks department, my brain DEFINITELY doesn’t go blank when I’m looking at her, and I can’t imagine teachers and law enforcement giving her preferential treatment due to her OMG BEAUTY.

And there’s your stupidly long rant on why that photo-shop makes me want to stab out my eyes.

“Truthfully I was really shocked this morning.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 2

Mantra: And the text is randomly red because...? That's annoying, Suethor. It means I have to bold everything I say.

SOS: (Sue) I really have to learn to stop sticking wet forks into the power point!

This is the largest ‘coven’ that I’ve ever seen or heard of for that matter. Except the Volturi of course.” Nami said.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 1

Mantra: Okay, apparently, the fic is just randomly in red now. I'll deal.

And....wait. Sue, you'd better mean that you HEARD about the Volturi, because if you actually met them, I'm going to KILL you. Because Twilight canon was fucking bad enough without you coming along and raping it!

Naruto: I thought "raping" it makes it better! ...And it doesn't! Nooooo!!!!

Mantra: Nope, it doesn't. You can rework it, but raping (as in, complete disregard of canon) just makes everything a lot more illogical...particularly when you're a self-proclaimed fan.

Naruto: Once again, Suethors make me look like Einstein!

Everyone was sitting in the living room peacefully chatting.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 3

Mantra: Meaning, by default, that none of them are listening to each other and only concentrating on ranting about what they want to rant about. Curiously in-character, huh?

Naruto: That would be a million conversations at once!

“I mean, I was surprised about Emmett, but then more of you appeared in my classes.” She smiled her eyes shone. “With Carlisle and Esme that makes seven. Wow. Oh yeah and Bella too - eight.” She looked at Alice who had mentally reminded her. Edward glared at both of them.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 4

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 1

Mantra: No, Bella is not a part of the coven, Edward. And you can stop getting your panties into a knot about it, because a coven is specifically defined in-universe as a group of VAMPIRES.

Naruto: (Edward) How DARE you say that my dearest Belly Welly isn't part of our coven! Even though I don't want to change her and she's not a vampire! I care not! It is but blasphemy to say otherwise!

‘You’re going to have to accept it eventually.’ Alice’s thoughts were directed to him, almost exasperated.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 5

Mantra: Why, because YOU foresaw it? Dude, didn't we have PLENTY of proof that you're nothing but a fraud?

Naruto: When you condescend to Edward Cullen, you know you’ve reached a whole new level of asshole.

Before he could answer she spoke again. “Before I forget, you said you know who the Volturi are.” She questioned Nami.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 2

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 2

Mantra: Because of COURSE, Alice is more interested in hearing your sob story than talking about Bella.

Naruto: I still can’t believe anyone can exist that can out-Sue Bella Swan…

“Well, I know who they are, but even worse, I actually met them too.” She smiled ruefully.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 7

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 3

Mantra: Oops, you did it. I guess I have no choice but to fulfil my word.

*EXPLODES INTO GIGANTIC, FLAMING ELDRITCH ABOMINATION*

FUCK.

YOU.

WHORE.

*RAMPAGES*

Naruto: O.O ....Oh, huh? I'm supposed to do that, too? Um...nah, I'm just gonna sit here and eat ramen! Yay, ramen! *Does so*

Mantra: *Deflates* Aww, I was looking forward to rampaging with my sister from another mother...

Naruto: Oh! Nah, I'm gonna save that for a really bad part!

Mantra: *Pouts* Such a prude....

Naruto: Am not! *Pouts*

Everyone’s eyes almost bugged out and Edward winced visibly.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 8

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 4 (It’s clear that the Cullens’ exaggerated reaction is just so that the Suethor can showcase how blasé the Sue is about it, and thus how ~brave~ she is.)

Mantra: Because he's a huge pussy.

Naruto: *Blinks and looks around* But he can't turn into a cat!

Mantra: No, silly, I was referring to this. *Starts lifting her skirt but is thwarted when SOS teleports in and beats her on the head with a bouquet* ...bitch.

SOS: Oh, and just because no one seems to be mentioning this…the fic just randomly changed back to black again. WTF?

“What?” Naomi asked,

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 5 (See? I told you so.)

Mantra: What's wrong with meeting with the highest authority in vampire who don't meet people that much and revealing that I know the masquerade and am incredibly famous, and yet coming out unscathed? That's PERFECTLY canon-compliant and logical.

Naruto: Hey, guess what? Some random guy over there just met the Akatsuki! Isn't that great?! No wonder, they're all a bunch of pansies who are all in gay relationships, spend all their time with nail polish and makeup, and wearing dresses!

Mantra: *Bursts out laughing* Oh, I can see why I chose you to be a host. *Ruffles hair* I like you.

Naruto: Aw, thanks! *Grins*

then she listened. Edward and Alice were replaying the time they had been held in by the Volturi with Bella.

Mantra: Who the hell thinks like that? People get a brief flash of recognition and THAT'S IT. No one sits there and thinks over every detail of a past meeting whenever they're reminded of it!

...unless they're extraordinarily slow. Huh...you know, this Suethor has the Cullens almost be completely in-character. I guess it takes one to know one?

Naruto: And I thought the thought sequences in the anime were slow and tedious! Hey, did you know that Takahiro Sakurai dubbed Edward in the Japanese dub of Twilight?

Mantra: How appropriate. He also voices gay porn.

“Oh, my story goes in a similar way. I’m sad to say, Aro developed a sort of liking to me.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 7

Mantra: Of course, he did. Anyone who fawned over Bella is being made to fawn over you, and considering what kind of series the canon was, that meant pretty much EVERYONE.

Naruto: Nooo! Don't ruin Aro! He was awesome!

Mantra: Only in the movie, though.

He expects me to join them after Ian turns me into a vampire.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 8

Mantra: and considering that she has a DAMNED useless power - only being able to read the minds of psychics and having no protection against them when doing so - I can only assume that he asked her to join because he needed a court jester.

Naruto: Considering she's a Sue, that actually wouldn't surprise me!

Too bad Ian’s gone now.” Nami laughed without humor.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 3

Mantra: Good, because none of this is the least bit amusing. If he wanted you, why didn't he change you himself?

Naruto: Because he wanted to marry her, she said no, but she wants to be a vampire, but he'll only turn her if she marries him, to which she says no to?

Mantra: Oh, if this Suethor brings in her own Marriage Argument, I'll MAKE you rampage with me.

Naruto: Consider it done!

SOS: *Laughs* Oh, you guys are so naïve. Keep this little passage in mind, readers. Because you have NO idea how much it’ll make you rage in the very next chapter.

But then she suddenly smiled.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 9

Mantra: God, is she PMS-ing or what? She has more mood-swings than that 'bipolar' chick in Bound For Glory!

Naruto: She must be pregnant!

Mantra: Oh GOD NO! Do you WANT this little shit to contaminate the gene pool of humanity?

Naruto: Nope! Her child would be the saviour who would destroy her and restore all canon!

Mantra: ...obviously, you haven't sporked many bad sequels.

“But ever since that time I’ve been planning my sweet revenge on Felix and Demetri.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 9 (For suggesting that she’ll actually be able to take on those two. At the same time.)

SOS: What? For NOT killing you? Look around you. The vampires in Twilight are rabid, feral animals. They’re saving countless people every year by keeping the vampires at least marginally in check. The only reason you’re alive right now is because the Volturi stopped the vampires from murdering your ancestors.

Mantra: What a pussy. She’s too afraid to take on the heads, so she’ll vent her rage on the henchmen instead. How pathetic.

They didn’t leave me alone even for a second.”

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 10

Naruto: Don’t tell me this is more of that ‘I hate attention’ bullshit? Because DUDE, if anyone who didn’t leave you alone deserved a death sentence, then you must have a hit-list a couple of dozen scrolls long.

Mantra: Mostly because you have dangerous inside knowledge and can cause a great deal of harm to both human and vampire societies if they let you out of sight? But then again, why am I expecting empathy or intelligence from you?

She sighed annoyed at the memory.

SOS: Oh, how does she hold up under all this adulation? The poor dear!

Mantra: ...I don't know about you, but I was a little bit more than annoyed by my best friend almost dying because of me.

Naruto: Gee, thanks, Sue! I think any normal person wouldn't just be all like, "Oh, what an inconvenience to have happened in my life!"

She didn’t notice the startled looks the others were giving her.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 11

Mantra: And this is supposed to be the wonderfully perceptive and deductive genius?

Naruto: Why do they always look surprised?!

Mantra: Because they're stupid and un-genre-savvy?

“Weren’t you terrified?” Edward asked. Nami’s eyes turned thoughtful.

“I don’t know, not really, I guess.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 4

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 10

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 12

Mantra: Of course, she's unflappable in the face of danger. That doesn't make you courageous, Sue. That just makes you stupid. Courage is about CONQUERING fear, not having a lack of it.

Naruto: Hey, even I get scared sometimes! And you know why? Because it's normal! It makes us human! Stop painting yourself as some kind of immune, unfeeling knockoff! It doesn't help us connect with you!

Also it was my fault. I had taken a job in Volterra for a summer photo shoot. I knew the risks.” Naomi shrugged.

Mantra: And you took them without once giving a thought into what could happen as a result - the murder of both you AND your friend for breaking the Volturi's one law. So, yes, it is your fault. I'm not going to tell you that you're blameless. You caused everything to happen and you should be ashamed of yourself, not sitting there and shrugging the whole thing off - because your best fucking friend MIGHT have died due to your negligence.

Naruto: So, she KNEW he was a vampire, and yet agreed to a photo shoot in Volterra, where the Volturi coven live. Why didn't she just refuse?! It wouldn't have been weird to her manager or other workers if she refused one shoot! There wouldn't be anything suspicious about it!

Mantra: I imagine she did it JUST so she can meet the kings of vampires and show off.

Then her expression twisted with dry humor. “Of course, when I met Jane face to face, I did get a little pained.”

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 13

Mantra: A little? Sue, stop fucking pretending. It's that universe's version of the Cruciatus curse, and I don't fucking believe any sheltered little flower is going to take it and just shrug it off. Your insistence to appear supposedly awesome only makes you look STUPID and arrogant and impossible to relate to.

Naruto: Jane? Oh please, in the books she didn't amount to a thing. In the movie, on the other hand, she was awesome. ....And she and Alec are definitely doing it. *Snickers*

Mantra: Nevertheless, Word of God is that it's basically a rip-off of the Cruciatus curse and seeing as you LIKE this canon, you might start by RESPECTING it.

Bella shuddered, from the memory of Edward jerking on the stone floor.

Mantra: …For one time in my life, I sympathise. That’s a VERY unpleasant image.

She continued to shake though. Nami suddenly jumped.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 11

NICKNAME MISUSE: 5

Mantra: Ooh! She's having a stroke! YES!

Naruto: YEAH! One Sue is enough in this fic!

“Oh, Bella, I’m so sorry! Are you really cold?” The question was unnecessary considering the way Bella looked. Her complexion was paler then usual and her lips white. Her fingers were shaking.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 12

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 14

Mantra: And whose fault is this? Sue, as much as I would be cheering on anyone else freezing Bella to death, you're just doing this to not only get closer to the vampires but also show off your supernatural resilience to cold. So, FUCK YOU.

Naruto: Um...don't your lips turn blue when you're that cold? And why is 19 degrees suddenly hypothermia-inducing?

Mantra: I can only imagine Bella's LOL CLUMSY-ness has caused her to spill an entire bathtub of water over herself.

“I’m f-f-fine.” She stammered.

Mantra: (Bella) It's okay, I'll just freeze to death! Aren't I so goddarn selfless? Don't you LOVE me now, readers?

Naruto: 19 degrees isn't FREEZING! Even indoors! You can't possibly have hypothermia and are already losing colour in your face!

Edward was beating himself up for not noticing.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 15 (Because the Sue is just that perceptive.)

Mantra: Oh yes, Edward, who keeps a chart of Bella's periods and the number of times she breathes in a night, doesn't notice. But you do. Even the Femmeslash is starting to get a bit annoying.

Naruto: Jeez Bella, I know you've grown up most of your life in Phoenix and are more used to warmer temperatures, but this is ridiculous! You've lived in Forks long enough to at least get somewhat used to the weather! What, is she wearing a bikini?

“Right and I believe you.” Nami said sarcastically. “Edward, instead of sulking, go get her a blanket. Upstairs, end of the hall, taller dresser, on the top.” Edward was gone by the time she finished.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 6

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 13

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 16

Mantra: As in-character as it is for Edward to be STUPID and not see how easy it is to solve the problem, and instead just mope and wangst...this still irritates me. It's never a good sign if your self-insert is ordering canon characters around and they obey without question, even though they're misogynist assholes in canon.

Naruto: You didn't even NEED to have told him, he would've read your mind and have been up there in an instant!

Nami quickly skipped to the AC controls and turned it on high heat. 84˚ F. “Sorry Bella, really. I always forget. I can’t live in a hot place, it makes me restless. Sorry.” She apologized again.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 7

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 14

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 17 (Contrary to popular opinion, being amazingly resistant to cold is NOT worth rhapsodizing poetics about.)

Mantra: Oh, and even when helping out her supposed friend, she STILL makes sure to complain about it. Such a lovely soul.

Naruto: Restless? Living in a hot environment, indoors or out, makes you restless? Why can't you just chalk it up as simply not liking it to be too hot? Well at least they're not throwing her into a hot bath.

Edward was back wrapping the baby blue blanket around Bella tightly.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 15

Mantra: Oh god, the paternal vibes. Oh GOD, the paedophilia vibes. *Shivers*

He's wrapping her in a blanket - a baby blue blanket at that. In any other series, I wouldn't have batted an eye at it, but in this one? He's treating her like a BABY. An actual fucking BABY. Tell me that isn't freaky.

Naruto: Heh, baby...Bella's a baby! *Laughs*

“You have quite a collection upstairs.” He said, gently rubbing Bella’s arms. Nami looked at him thoughtfully.

“Oh, you mean the books. I just enjoy reading.”

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 17

NICKNAME MISUSE: 8

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 18

Mantra: Which is why we've never seen you read. Of course.

Naruto: Nope! Not buying it, Sue! Twilight Sparkle and Belle you are NOT!

Edward raised an eyebrow.

Mantra: For once, I completely agree. I'm very skeptical too.

Naruto: It's Edward, sadly he won't say or do things we agree with him on.

Besides, he can read her mind, he would know the truth.

“I think he meant the library you have.” Interjected Alice.

Mantra: Yes, we know that. In fact, the Sue fucking knew that. She said it.

Naruto: So, Alice is going to be our Captain Obvious for this tour?

She had a vision of the place. Her eyes blanked out for a moment. “Oh! This is great, I love your closet!”

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 19

Mantra: Huh, it even keeps the canon-inconsistencies when it came to Alice's power. What, is Naomi's CLOSET making a decision now?

Naruto: Hey, you should've see what happened the last time a closet could make its own decisions. ....If this were a video, I'd be making a Poltergeist reference.

Nami seeing the vision in Alice’s head smiled. “We should definitely go shopping!” Everyone sighed. It seemed Alice had an addiction.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 9

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 18

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 20

Mantra: Yes, she does. In fact, everyone does. All of you have an addiction to flaunting. It is most irritating.

Naruto: Oh great. A shopping montage? *Groans*

Nami laughed.

“Sure, whatever you say.” The heat had started to pick up. Nami rubbed her palms against her jeans, wiping the thin layer of sweat.

“Carlisle is wondering what to do. He caught our scent a minute ago. Do you mind if he comes by?” Alice asked cheerily.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 11

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 19

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 22 (One for emphasising her martyrdom by turning up the heat, and another for having another vampire known for imposing her will on people actually consult her and ask for her opinion, with the implication that she’ll actually respect it.)

Mantra: And that sequence about Naomi's sweaty palms? Was COMPLETELY POINTLESS. Aren't you glad? I sure am.

SOS: Wait, if Carlisle can tell where the house is by smell, then how come he hasn't noticed Naomi's apparently amazing honey smell? And why would he assume they had gone to someone's shouse, instead of just went hunting collectively, if he didn't know the house existed?

Naruto: She's been here for TWO WEEKS before going to school here! How has she not been spotted, then!?

She already knew the answer. Nami shook her head and smiled.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 12

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 23 (Again, we’re clearly meant to see this as an indication of how oh-so-generous Naomi is.)

Mantra: How? Naomi hadn't made a decision yet when she asked! ...wait, this is Alice. Her powers never make sense.

“No, it would be great to have him. I’ve wanted to meet him since this morning.” At that moment a black Mercedes pulled up in front of the house.

Mantra: Wait, he caught their scent from INSIDE the car? What?

Naruto: How'd he get here so fast? And where's Esme?

The soft sound of the doorbell rang throughout the house. Naomi jumped up and skipped to the door swinging it open without checking who it was.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 24 (And she was just oh so charmingly graceful about it, too!)

Mantra: It was the Slender Man. And then he killed her. The end.

Naruto: *Skipping around the room* This is what she was doing, people! Isn't that awesome? So graceful? Are you annoyed yet? ...Wait?! SLENDY?! Where?!?!? He's awesome!!

Mantra: Oh, he'll come later. He's dealing with another Sue right now.

Naruto: Foreshadowing?

NG55: Naruto! Don't spoil it!

“Hello.” At the door stood a gorgeous man.

Mantra: Sue, just WHO is your love interest? Or will this turn into a harem fic?

Naruto: It was Castiel from Supernatural. He killed her immediately!

He had on a polite expression, but Nami could see the worry and confusion in his eyes. An air of kindness surrounded him.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 13

Mantra: (Carlisle) I stood by and let people bleed to death before me and congratulated myself on not feeding on them later. I should be made a saint!

Naruto: Kindness is shown through ACTIONS. Unless the aura is actively helping the people around it, it won’t be one of ‘kindness’.

“Hello, you must be Dr. Cullen. I’m Naomi Delacour.” When she extended her hand he didn’t hesitate to shake it. He subtly peered over her head seeing his children occupying the living room.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 20

Mantra: (Carlisle) Why are my kids having an orgy in your house?

Naruto: *Nosebleeds* Now that would make this story interesting!

“Hey, Carlisle! You cannot believe what happened today.” Alice was suddenly standing next to them.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 21

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 25 (Of course, the first thing she talks about is how wonderful the Sue is.)

Mantra: (Alice) I never knew you could do that with your tongue!

Naruto: I can't believe it's not butter!

The beautiful man threw a bewildered look in Nami’s direction, but Alice brushed it away.

“Alice-” He began in protest.

“Don’t worry she already knows.”

“You mean she found out?” He seemed shocked.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 14

Mantra: (Alice) Yep, everyone knows you're gay now. Oops, teehee.

Naruto: (Alice) Yeah, she knows we're ninjas!

Mantra: For a ninja, you do ruthless insult ninja, don't you?

Naruto: Don't blame me, blame the writing staff!

Nami shifted uncomfortably. They were talking as if she wasn’t there.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 15

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 22

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 26 (And how DARE anyone ignore the wonderful, amazing, BEAUTIFUL Sue?)

Mantra: And who was it that hated attention again?

Naruto: It wasn't Naomi, that's for sure!

“No, she already knew about vampires.”

“And get this - she reads minds.” Emmett said in a creepy voice joining the conversation.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 27 (And she has Emmett joining in on the deed, too. How wonderful.)

Mantra: And why would someone who has lived with a mind-reader for 70 years think mind-reading is creepy?

Naruto: I think it's because he doesn't want another Edward on his hands...

Alice pouted.

“I wanted to tell him that.” She wined childishly.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 23

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 28 (And now they’re bickering over who gets to praise the Sue. Please kill me.)

Mantra: Would you like some cheese with that, too?

Naruto: Alice! Wine is supposed to be some kind of killer drink for some reason!

Emmett just grinned back. Naomi opened the door wider, inviting Carlisle inside. He was shaken by the news. How can a human possibly hear thoughts?

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 29 (Because she’s SPESHUL. That’s how.)

Mantra: Even though Jasper could already manipulate emotions as a human, and Alice could see the future, and Jane and Alec had their respective powers, and Bella already has a mind-shield?

Naruto: And Mary Poppins can fly, sit on clouds, bring imagination worlds to life, and do all kinds of magical things?

Mantra: ...Are you sure she's human, though?

Naruto: ...She is, isn't she?

NG55: That's ambiguous, actually. Mary Poppins is said to be the "Great Exception".

He walked in the living room, his eyes running over the piano and then the CD collection. “It’s an Edward clone.” Said Alice knowingly.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 24

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 30

Mantra: I vote we kill it with fire.

Naruto: Actually, she's practically Edward and Bella mixed into one! Taken up to Eleven!

Mantra: With bits of Alice and Jasper thrown in for good measure. How delightful.

Naomi’s eyebrows shot up.

“Why does everybody keeps saying, or you know, thinking that?” She asked a little annoyed.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 31 (Your attempts at fishing for praise is painfully transparent.)

Mantra: Because it's true, you dumbass. And it’s NOT a good thing.

Naruto: Do we need to draw it out for you? 'Cause I'll do that! Here! *Draws a childish drawing of the statement*

Mantra: *Points to his drawing* That's a better piece of art than your banner, Suethor.

Unconsciously her lower lip jutted out in an angelic pout.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 25

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 32

Mantra:


And that is cuter than you will ever be. Full stop.

Naruto: *Snickers* Ha! That's so awesome!

Emmett laughed.

“Because we can both hear thoughts, play the piano, collect CDs and have them organized in the same way.” Edward said, rolling his eyes.

“That is uncanny.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 36 (One for each point of resemblance because, once again, being similar to Edward in the Twilight universe is actually a GOOD thing here.)

Mantra: Actually, no. That's just unoriginal.

Naruto: Is it supposed to make sense in context?

Mantra: Nope, the Suethor just thought lampshading her lack of creativity will make us forgive her.

Naruto: Figured as much. *Grumbles*

For all we know Nami could be the only human who can hear thoughts and what’s the chance of her having the same habits as you?” Interjected Alice.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 16

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 37 (How nice of you to lamp-shade how SPESHUL your Sue is.)

Mantra: Actually, a lot. Copycat Sues are more common than you think.

Naruto: In my world, we've got thousands of those...

“Well I see your point, Alice, but Edward is not as nearly as cute as Nami is.” Emmett joked winking at Naomi.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 26

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 38

Mantra: ...Let us please have a moment of silence for the death of an awesome character.

*Moment of silence*

Click to view

Everyone laughed when Bella was about to protest. Edward hugged her closely as a deep blush crossed her pale cheeks, but he too laughed, with obvious pleasure.

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 27

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 39

Mantra: (Edward) I like it when my girlfriend says I'm cuter than her girlfriend. Did I mention I'm heterosexual today?

Naruto: Hey! Stop acting like a blushy shrinking violet, Bella! You are not Fluttershy!

Nami felt a little sad and envious. If only Ian was still here…

NICKNAME MISUSE: 17

Mantra: Well, that came out of nowhere. And no, Suethor, throwing in a random line at random moments will NOT make us believe that Naomi cared the least bit about Ian.

Naruto: What, so you can have a screw toy of your own?

Mantra: Oh don't worry, she'll get that wish fulfilled soon.

SOS: And that is fucking IT. I’m introducing a Wangstmuffin counter in the next chapter. Full stop.

Jasper, knowing how she was feeling, shot her a sympathetic look, which she waved away.

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 41 (One for having a sociopathic mass-murder sympathise with her, and another for being an oh so strong Action Girl who doesn’t need no man.)

Mantra: Nope, I don't buy her grief at all. Not when she's just casually brushing aside other people's concern and making it clear that she's too good for them.

NG55: I've had more sympathy toward Sasuke. *Earns a chorus booing from Sasuke Fangirls*

Naruto: That's okay, it happens to me every time!

“Who was the vampire responsible for you?” Carlisle asked, not knowing that it was a touchy subject for Nami.

NICKNAME MISUSE: 18

Mantra: DUDE, wouldn't that be touchy for EVERYONE?

Responsible for you? RESPONSIBLE FOR FUCKING YOU?

ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT NO ONE COULD POSSIBLE BE CLOSE TO A VAMPIRE WITHOUT COMPLETELY SUBMITTING TO THEM? THAT HUMANITY ISN'T GOOD ENOUGH TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR ITSELF? THAT THEY FUCKING NEED VAMPIRES AS TEACHERS OR SOMETHING? THAT THEY'RE MINDLESS PETS THAT MUST HAVE A OWNER?

WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Naruto: You know, we've managed JUST FINE without knowing the existence of vampires, thanks!

Everyone quieted down. Nami swallowed, her eyes averted away from them. Carlisle assessing the mood, was taken aback,

NICKNAME MISUSE: 19

Mantra: (Carlisle) People might be offended if I refer to them as objects? Why, how peculiar!

Naruto: (Carlisle) Why has there been a sudden mood whiplash? Was it something I said?

SOS: See what I mean by a WANGSTMUFFIN counter?

but before he could say anything, Naomi answered his question.

“Ian Gregory.”

Mantra: Okay, just WHAT is their relationship again? Is he her friend, her love interest, or her OWNER? Because those are pretty different options!

Naruto: ...All of the above?

SOS: And that's the end of Chapter 7. Next chapter, again, is quite long, but I'll release you all now for a well-deserved break.

Mantra: Too late, you bitch. *Pops away irritably*

Naruto: Um...how do I get out of here? Hello?

SOS: Wait! I forgot to tell you that we get an even more detailed description of her past and a SECOND banner, just as horrible as the first!

NG55: Lookin' forward to that, folks? You better be!

FINAL COUNT:

SHE ADVERBED ADVERBIALLY: 27 (2.5% or every 41 words, an above average percentage even for this fic. I see my hopes in the last chapter are entirely false. I should really stop expecting quality from a Suethor who doesn’t even know how to format properly, shouldn’t I?)

SHAMELESS SELF PRAISE: 41 (3.7% or every 27 words. EVERY 28 WORDS. Kill me. Now. Please. I’m begging you.)

NICKNAME MISUSE: 19 (Out of the 25 times that the Sue’s name was used, as in, it was only used correctly SIX times. Not improving, Suethor. Not improving. Then again, for a fic that features shameless self praising every 27 words, I guess this is relatively tame as far as misspellings went.)

Go Forward to: Chapter 8, Part 1

Go Back to: Chapter 6