Epic Re-Read Chapter 36
Epic Series Re-Read Chapter 36
“They came with pageantry, with a kind of beauty.”
Yeah, cause, you know, they’re vampires. Wait, but Bella is too, so I guess it doesn’t matter!
Anyway, creepy parade of evil!pires come to destroy Nessie. Good for you. Wow, Bella’s narration is really fail, she makes some hideous metaphors and uses the phrase/word gray-cloaked like nine times. For a really, really long time, the Volturi and their ickle friends walk menacingly towards Bella. Garrett stands next to Kate and I squee, Vladimir and Stefan flirt and I squee harder.
They marvel about how they’re all there, and USE THE PHRASE “EVEN THE WIVES” AGAIN. TWICE IN ONE BOOK.
DLKJDJSFIOJDF:FIJOEI”FEHNJVIOJ!!!11111
That is all. I swear.
So there are seven million Volturi, they’re all angries, Bella thinks she’s going to die and feels sad, Irina is depressed because she has to face off against her secretloverImeansisterTanya (sorry, I’m a manic shipper) and Edward talks about the Volturi’s motivations, which no one actually cares about because we all know there won’t really be a battle anyway.
Everyone freaks out, they stand there for ten more pages. Bella decides they’re all doomed, the Volturi are apparently worried, and finally, they’re there.
Aro and Carlisle talk, Carlisle tells Aro not to kill him, Carlisle says Nessie’s not an immortal, just a speshul snowflake, and then explains about the witnesses.
Caius bitch-slaps Irina for lying to them. I brand EVEN THE WIVES!!!111 on his forehead. Tanya and Kate get pissed off, Irina explains that Nessie grew taller. Aro is creepy. He asks Edward to explain about Nessie, and refers to Bella as “his newborn mate.”
So apparently pedophilia is perfectly acceptable for both vampires and werewolves.
Edward walks up to Aro. It takes three pages. I consider suicide.
Bella’s magic love shield grows. ZOMG, she’s PROTECTING EVERYBODY, BECAUSE SHE’S JUST SO MAGICAL AND AWESOME!!!!
But because she’s fail, she accidentally MAGICLOVESHIELDS Edward while he’s off to be molested by Aro, and has to take it back so Aro can put his creepy hands all over her husband.
Edward and Aro whisper words of love to each other, and then Aro asks Edward’s permission to mess with the Ness. Because, you know, even though she’s a thinking being with a mother responsible for her, he’s a man, and thus makes all the decisions.
/rant.
The guard freaks out, and Aro calms them down by calling Jane “my love.” Isn’t she physically like six?
Ooh, let’s play count-all-the-Twilight-pedophiles! Wait… I thought Aro was gay. Maybe Jane’s secretly a man.
I’m sorry, I really need to focus, don’t I.
Edward says that Aro can meet Nessie, in exchange for three goats and the favor of Ra. Then Edward bosses Bella around, and I mutter something under my breath about how Jacob would never give her orders unless he was, you know, joking. Because he, unlike Edward, has a sense of humor.
But Jacob no longer exists. The Pod Person who ate his soul and now inhabits his mad-hot body, along with Emmett and BellaNotSoSammich, port Nessie up to the Volturi. Felix flirts with Bella, and I start shipping them because, well, I just hate Edward that much, and Jacob’s soul has been eaten so he’s no longer an option.
Then Aro flirts with Bella, in an exceedingly gay way. He complements her jewelry and tells her he’s glad he gave it to her, since Marcus and Caius looked at him so funny when he wore it.
Bella freaks out when Aro touches Nessie, since she’s just so maternal. But she stops when Aro says he believes that she’s a half-human.
ALERT, IF YOU’VE FALLEN ASLEEP: SOMETHING JUST ACTUALLY HAPPENED. IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER, SO GO REREAD THE LAST SENTENCE.
Caius doesn’t believe him, Aro talks him around, bla bla bla. And there goes the actual shadow of a plot.
Aro says he has no desire to hurt any of them, which Bella can’t tell is total bullshit. Because she’s an imbecile. Then Aro wants to kidnap the werewolves and use them as guard dogs and I growl almost as loudly as Jacob does, because my lovely, lovely wolves do not belong in Volterra. With the monster!vamps.
Aro calls Jacob ‘your furry protector’ and it’s actually funny, and WOW, that chapter ended incredibly abruptly. (Reminds me vaguely of the not-sex scene at the beginning.)
And it’s over, THANK GOD.
“They came with pageantry, with a kind of beauty.”
Yeah, cause, you know, they’re vampires. Wait, but Bella is too, so I guess it doesn’t matter!
Anyway, creepy parade of evil!pires come to destroy Nessie. Good for you. Wow, Bella’s narration is really fail, she makes some hideous metaphors and uses the phrase/word gray-cloaked like nine times. For a really, really long time, the Volturi and their ickle friends walk menacingly towards Bella. Garrett stands next to Kate and I squee, Vladimir and Stefan flirt and I squee harder.
They marvel about how they’re all there, and USE THE PHRASE “EVEN THE WIVES” AGAIN. TWICE IN ONE BOOK.
DLKJDJSFIOJDF:FIJOEI”FEHNJVIOJ!!!11111
That is all. I swear.
So there are seven million Volturi, they’re all angries, Bella thinks she’s going to die and feels sad, Irina is depressed because she has to face off against her secretloverImeansisterTanya (sorry, I’m a manic shipper) and Edward talks about the Volturi’s motivations, which no one actually cares about because we all know there won’t really be a battle anyway.
Everyone freaks out, they stand there for ten more pages. Bella decides they’re all doomed, the Volturi are apparently worried, and finally, they’re there.
Aro and Carlisle talk, Carlisle tells Aro not to kill him, Carlisle says Nessie’s not an immortal, just a speshul snowflake, and then explains about the witnesses.
Caius bitch-slaps Irina for lying to them. I brand EVEN THE WIVES!!!111 on his forehead. Tanya and Kate get pissed off, Irina explains that Nessie grew taller. Aro is creepy. He asks Edward to explain about Nessie, and refers to Bella as “his newborn mate.”
So apparently pedophilia is perfectly acceptable for both vampires and werewolves.
Edward walks up to Aro. It takes three pages. I consider suicide.
Bella’s magic love shield grows. ZOMG, she’s PROTECTING EVERYBODY, BECAUSE SHE’S JUST SO MAGICAL AND AWESOME!!!!
But because she’s fail, she accidentally MAGICLOVESHIELDS Edward while he’s off to be molested by Aro, and has to take it back so Aro can put his creepy hands all over her husband.
Edward and Aro whisper words of love to each other, and then Aro asks Edward’s permission to mess with the Ness. Because, you know, even though she’s a thinking being with a mother responsible for her, he’s a man, and thus makes all the decisions.
/rant.
The guard freaks out, and Aro calms them down by calling Jane “my love.” Isn’t she physically like six?
Ooh, let’s play count-all-the-Twilight-pedophiles! Wait… I thought Aro was gay. Maybe Jane’s secretly a man.
I’m sorry, I really need to focus, don’t I.
Edward says that Aro can meet Nessie, in exchange for three goats and the favor of Ra. Then Edward bosses Bella around, and I mutter something under my breath about how Jacob would never give her orders unless he was, you know, joking. Because he, unlike Edward, has a sense of humor.
But Jacob no longer exists. The Pod Person who ate his soul and now inhabits his mad-hot body, along with Emmett and BellaNotSoSammich, port Nessie up to the Volturi. Felix flirts with Bella, and I start shipping them because, well, I just hate Edward that much, and Jacob’s soul has been eaten so he’s no longer an option.
Then Aro flirts with Bella, in an exceedingly gay way. He complements her jewelry and tells her he’s glad he gave it to her, since Marcus and Caius looked at him so funny when he wore it.
Bella freaks out when Aro touches Nessie, since she’s just so maternal. But she stops when Aro says he believes that she’s a half-human.
ALERT, IF YOU’VE FALLEN ASLEEP: SOMETHING JUST ACTUALLY HAPPENED. IT’S THE ONLY THING THAT HAPPENS THIS CHAPTER, SO GO REREAD THE LAST SENTENCE.
Caius doesn’t believe him, Aro talks him around, bla bla bla. And there goes the actual shadow of a plot.
Aro says he has no desire to hurt any of them, which Bella can’t tell is total bullshit. Because she’s an imbecile. Then Aro wants to kidnap the werewolves and use them as guard dogs and I growl almost as loudly as Jacob does, because my lovely, lovely wolves do not belong in Volterra. With the monster!vamps.
Aro calls Jacob ‘your furry protector’ and it’s actually funny, and WOW, that chapter ended incredibly abruptly. (Reminds me vaguely of the not-sex scene at the beginning.)
And it’s over, THANK GOD.
- What happened this chapter? Give me one plot point. Just one.
- Why does Jacob suck so much now? I totally hate him now, and that breaks my heart.
- Three random ships. Name ‘em now. Then write me drabbles.
- I miss the real Jacob. Tell me what you miss most about him.
- Is Aro gay?
- This is my virgin Re-Read. How did I do?