(no subject)
The emotions that I have today are of grief, and a lot of it.
Saturday my foster family attended the celebration of life of their mother/grandmother who passed last year, and given COVID they were unable to do anything so they did it last weekend, but then yesterday Bossman's mom passed and it dredged up so much between grief and sadness. I didn't even want to stay at work (mind you, I did) and after work I had my nails done, groceries, and just went home to eat dinner and go to bed. Surprisingly, my dreams didn't bother me last night and this morning was the first time in a while I woke up without horrid nausea requiring half a Gravol and various Tylenol. I took my pills, packed my gym bag for after work (I REALLY have to start doing more), and headed off. I am more "subdued" today than anything. Almost, lethargically sad.
While yesterday started out odd (a man on the subway was clearly doing drugs, as a baggie fell out of his pocket and he frantically shoved it back in, looking at me to see if I noticed. I laughed, smirked, and said "well, that'll wake you up" and he just shook his head, obviously abashed and nervous I was going to call him on it -but, to each their own. His life, not mine! but my coffee suddenly seemed less caffeinated compared to his dime baggie of what I presume is cocaine), and ended in just needing a moment. I woke up to two messages on my phone from people I didn't expect (my photographer who has been AWOL for a while, and a friend's child who is currently finding "themselves" as the term now is), and now I am here trying to find the motivation to reconcile a spreadsheet.
Not much has come from the training for opening files and I royally screwed up one of the adjuster's files last week requiring assistance but I was, at that moment, entirely overwhelmed with work and personal issues. I had been on and off the phone with Ma all day because starting bright and early, she was frantic. Her cat, Jewel, had managed to crawl through the duct work in part of the unfinished basement where she currently lives and get stuck in the ceiling; she called Frank, me, and it was a long day. Work was understanding beyond anything you'd ever expect and Bossman in particular went out of his way to email about relief over Ma getting her cat out of the ceiling safely, but work, the apartment, Ma, ... it was a tough week that ended well, until now...
I got to see Helena last Friday and her parents, which was lovely and I missed her. We figured out how to put together her stroller though! and Greek mom sent me home with tons of fresh from the garden kale, zucchini, hot peppers, parsley, and omg I cannot describe how beautiful those peppers tasted baked in oil and with chicken...drooling emoticon does no justice for my reaction.
I have purposely avoided Red Truck. I have moved my schedules around, done things AFTER work, left earlier to TO work...everything to avoid. I don't want to hurt anyone and I would most certainly hurt him, and what could potentially be his children. I couldn't live with myself if I did...and there's no question of that not happening. I feel his eyes literally burning into my brain though... it's odd...it's like I feel this person almost like I felt Sunshine? if I just think of Sunshine, I can see the gold flecks in his chocolate eyes when he looked at me...the little marks on his arms and back, the way he smiled...and now?? oddly, I can see Red Trucks dark, almost black eyes, staring at me. His hesitant, slow, shifting when he sees me...there's rarely a smile but an all encompassing searing look, but I wouldn't know what that look means, given I don't even know his name. Well, effectively I have made it so it's not possible for that stare to reach me. Kudos to me, I am where I belong...