Plans
I have plans today. First, foremost, crawl into a hole and die slowly.
Greg and I have both found apartments. He found his last night and is excited. We lay in bed at 4 a.m. holding each other wishing that today didn't come and that June 1 doesn't come either. His is cheaper; but a twelve minute drive to work. He's happy and the guy's name is also Greg. I am moving close to a subway station and GO transit, into a basement apartment that is really small but it includes wifi and my own laundry. It has very little storage space so I am going to downgrade a lot and bring it to my Ma. She's going to hold on to four of my Oma's chairs, several boxes, and my elliptical. I imagine I won't be getting my elliptical back though.
I am moving to a basement apartment which is roughly 500 sq ft. I don't have any closets, a small counter space, full bathroom, and the woman upstairs has two small dogs and is single. She's nice and understanding.
I suppose I thought this would end differently. I thought somehow the fantasy in my head wouldn't just be a fantasy. My old dream was that Greg would ask me to marry him and we would live happily ever after while he continued to grow at work and I got raise after raise for being awesome. Instead, I fantasize about a person that doesn't exist, while waking up to a reality that I don't want to face, a job that is overloading me, and the bittersweet sadness of waking up without my Monkey Bear. It's a largely awful tasting pill to swallow.
I would like to say there is a bright side but while I know eventually it will be okay, I am content to swim in a sea of misery crying on a train full of people who don't know me and hoping beyond hope that my future holds something a bit greater than this - but, fairy tales only happen to those who deserve it and I can choose to be one of those people who know they won't ever have the "dream" and are bitter about it, or I can know I won't ever have anything like what others can achieve, and be happy and privileged to be a part of their happiness when they get it.
For today? I am a bitch.
Greg and I have both found apartments. He found his last night and is excited. We lay in bed at 4 a.m. holding each other wishing that today didn't come and that June 1 doesn't come either. His is cheaper; but a twelve minute drive to work. He's happy and the guy's name is also Greg. I am moving close to a subway station and GO transit, into a basement apartment that is really small but it includes wifi and my own laundry. It has very little storage space so I am going to downgrade a lot and bring it to my Ma. She's going to hold on to four of my Oma's chairs, several boxes, and my elliptical. I imagine I won't be getting my elliptical back though.
I am moving to a basement apartment which is roughly 500 sq ft. I don't have any closets, a small counter space, full bathroom, and the woman upstairs has two small dogs and is single. She's nice and understanding.
I suppose I thought this would end differently. I thought somehow the fantasy in my head wouldn't just be a fantasy. My old dream was that Greg would ask me to marry him and we would live happily ever after while he continued to grow at work and I got raise after raise for being awesome. Instead, I fantasize about a person that doesn't exist, while waking up to a reality that I don't want to face, a job that is overloading me, and the bittersweet sadness of waking up without my Monkey Bear. It's a largely awful tasting pill to swallow.
I would like to say there is a bright side but while I know eventually it will be okay, I am content to swim in a sea of misery crying on a train full of people who don't know me and hoping beyond hope that my future holds something a bit greater than this - but, fairy tales only happen to those who deserve it and I can choose to be one of those people who know they won't ever have the "dream" and are bitter about it, or I can know I won't ever have anything like what others can achieve, and be happy and privileged to be a part of their happiness when they get it.
For today? I am a bitch.