It's been so long...
It's been so long since I've posted but, I had to get it out. I had to talk to someone and eventually everyone is going to get sick of it so I might as well vent it all out here. Some of it is pretty ugly and some of it is pretty great but in all of it I am left feeling so very sad, scared, and so much alone.
Greg and i are not getting married this August like we planned. The firm I worked for last summer let me go - after all the issues with Claire and everything, they restructured and decided I was the candidate to cut. I put a plan into motion that I had been working on and immediately had an interview that afternoon, got a temp job starting a week later. That lasted two weeks and I met some pretty amazing people. We went away to the cottage and was called back as work wanted me and I was there again for another two weeks. After that, the well went dry, until I was picked up by another firm for a temp job. I worked a week, was off two due to a really bad sickness, and then went back to work. During that time Greg was...distant. Very selfish. He never onced offered to pay for anything; never tried to help. It was like the loss of my job meant nothing to him and business as usual. We started to argue a lot. I shut myself down. He was so insensitive always talking bout the new company that bought out the old one, how it's challenging, etc. and I really was happy for him but in the same breath...not once did he care about what was happening to me.
I started to think...for years, it's been me. If I lost a job I dealt with it. If we needed rent I paid for it no matter what doing anything I could, relying on friends, family to get me through but I couldn't count on him. His life was easy. And he still never had any money.
The temp job hired me hired me basically in July but I didn't get the paperwork until August. I signed and was then gainfully employed with a higher salary than I've ever made. Greg ... didn't even ask.
Steve, you remember him? a long time ago? broke my heart from Montreal and vanished? ya, he resurfaced. His wife had left him for another man she had been seeing, and he had their two girls and was planning on returning to Toronto. For a while during all the work turmoil and stress, having Steve was like wearing an old shirt. He never offered to see me. Then all the sudden he decided to be mean - so cruel it wasn't funny. He said things that were awful about me, and everything saying how disappointed he is in me, and that Sandra was always the one for him. Sandra. Who is married. Happily. And left Steve all those years ago because she didn't want him. He was angry I would tell Sandra. It'll pass I would say. By the end of speaking with Steve he and his sister had called me everything they could possibly call me to insult me, all through emails or through Sandra and I was a broken mess even at home, and still Greg never asked what was up.
I found out he never asked because he had been and was still massively into taking pills. I found them in his bag. I was furious! That same day I found out from Sandra that the reason Steve was so angry and bitter is that his wife returned, pregnant, twins, and supposedly she never "really" had the affair. I don't believe that, but whatever. They were going to try and work it out for the sake of their soon to be sixsome family. Even though this was the case Steve still emaild Sandra, called her at work, to profess undying love. I never heard from him again.
I started to plan to leave. I cannot be a punching bag for everyone. But our lease wasn't up until January 1 and it would be the holidays. Throughout that time I worked, hard, and was pretty happy. Things started to look up and I thought maybe it would work with Greg until one day the beginning of December I came to work in tears. I told our "office manager" what was up. I told her why. She was stunned. Greg had blown through more money than ever. I had put forth everything for him and he just let me down so badly before Christmas. This was it. Bonnie was understanding and told Bob, my boss. Bonnie, our receptionist/office manager as it were is also Bob's girlfriend.
Over the holidays things got a little hairy.
See, in December, I had gone to Niagara with Will and afterwards I had an "evening" with a woman. I didn't feel bad actually; maybe because she was a woman but it was what I needed and I enjoyed it. I felt relief. Into January I developed this awful rash that my foster mom took me to the doctor over. It was everywhere. My neck, my legs, my arms. I was scratching to high hell and I was dying. I was off two days from work. I returned still rashy. My boss Pablo (also named Steve so Sandra and I named him Pablo) was so busy and things were getting missed, dropped, not explained. Finally we had a meeting at work in January and worked out the kinks. Things were getting better until the rash came back again with a vengence. I was off one day in February from it. But I didn't care, even though I feared for my job. I didn't care because my life was going downhill fast. The day of Valentine's Greg had wanted to take me out for the first time (I think because we hadn't given notice yet at our apartment he wanted to try and salvage something) but, he didn't. In fact we ended up at his parents. I took a bus from Toronto as I had been visiting friends and we had an okay night. The next day however? Greg left me there. For four hours. With his mom. So he could go out with his friend in Bownmanville. I was trapped, no car, talking about Dawn's baby shower! I wanted to leave. I wanted to go home. He was too busy. He said he wanted to get me flowers and when he returned to his parents that Sunday after hours he gave them to me, in front of his entire family who arrived for dinner (aunts and uncles included). The next day we went home. I was hungover and still angry with him.
We got home and my Ma texted. She said she wanted to pay our Netflix account as she'd been using it and I said "why? don't be silly" and then she let me know...the account was declined for NON PAYMENT. I confronted Greg. To the tune of $400+ per month he's been blowing it on drugs. I freaked right now. That Thursday I came home and he was in Newmarket for the night. The car had been dying for a while and he was going to have it looked at so I went home alone, and you know what? I did an awful thing. I met some random person while intoxicated and I had at him. It didn't last long. And I don't even feel guilty. I haven't been in this relationship with Greg for so long; and I am not going to apologize for what I've done. I am sorry for it but not for having done it. someone, touched me. They wanted only me at that moment and they liked it. I wasn't' their money bitch. I wasn't their servant; the maid; the sugar momma. I didn't owe them anything and they owned me nothing in return. We had already given our notice, we were over. We had even discussed how Greg doesn't think we had ever been happy because it's never been real. We were done and he was already sleeping on the couch or I would be in the spare room.
I held that in for a long time and then told my friend Sandra. I told her because i was doped on a sleeping pill. i've been sick for two weeks dying, Greg too, and he gave me something to finally let me sleep. Sandra has decided my moral compass is so much lower than hers that she needs "time". I thought to myself. You can be disappointed all you want, but of the people who actually know? not one of them has admonished me. They've actually said it doesn't matter. We are over and have been for a while. I thought...go ahead and judge me. you've never had to work for a thing in your life until now and you are even finding your own perfect husband you married last year and only moved in with AFTER you were married isn't so perfect after all. What would you do if you had taken it for two years of stress, pain, financial worry taking care of your husband while he secretly ruined everything? She claimed she would leave. I told her then "ya, and you would be an asshole for giving up on him" and now, I have given up, and suddenly I am this horrible bad guy? maybe I am. Somehow I just don't care.
Turns out, Steve also had an affair. Looks like we're too peas in a pod. I only found out because Sandra LOVES to tell me all about what Steve's sister tells her. They are friends. I don't speak to Steve, nor his sister, nor Sandra. And frankly, right now I am good with it.
I move May 1. That is when my life is going to start over.
Greg and i are not getting married this August like we planned. The firm I worked for last summer let me go - after all the issues with Claire and everything, they restructured and decided I was the candidate to cut. I put a plan into motion that I had been working on and immediately had an interview that afternoon, got a temp job starting a week later. That lasted two weeks and I met some pretty amazing people. We went away to the cottage and was called back as work wanted me and I was there again for another two weeks. After that, the well went dry, until I was picked up by another firm for a temp job. I worked a week, was off two due to a really bad sickness, and then went back to work. During that time Greg was...distant. Very selfish. He never onced offered to pay for anything; never tried to help. It was like the loss of my job meant nothing to him and business as usual. We started to argue a lot. I shut myself down. He was so insensitive always talking bout the new company that bought out the old one, how it's challenging, etc. and I really was happy for him but in the same breath...not once did he care about what was happening to me.
I started to think...for years, it's been me. If I lost a job I dealt with it. If we needed rent I paid for it no matter what doing anything I could, relying on friends, family to get me through but I couldn't count on him. His life was easy. And he still never had any money.
The temp job hired me hired me basically in July but I didn't get the paperwork until August. I signed and was then gainfully employed with a higher salary than I've ever made. Greg ... didn't even ask.
Steve, you remember him? a long time ago? broke my heart from Montreal and vanished? ya, he resurfaced. His wife had left him for another man she had been seeing, and he had their two girls and was planning on returning to Toronto. For a while during all the work turmoil and stress, having Steve was like wearing an old shirt. He never offered to see me. Then all the sudden he decided to be mean - so cruel it wasn't funny. He said things that were awful about me, and everything saying how disappointed he is in me, and that Sandra was always the one for him. Sandra. Who is married. Happily. And left Steve all those years ago because she didn't want him. He was angry I would tell Sandra. It'll pass I would say. By the end of speaking with Steve he and his sister had called me everything they could possibly call me to insult me, all through emails or through Sandra and I was a broken mess even at home, and still Greg never asked what was up.
I found out he never asked because he had been and was still massively into taking pills. I found them in his bag. I was furious! That same day I found out from Sandra that the reason Steve was so angry and bitter is that his wife returned, pregnant, twins, and supposedly she never "really" had the affair. I don't believe that, but whatever. They were going to try and work it out for the sake of their soon to be sixsome family. Even though this was the case Steve still emaild Sandra, called her at work, to profess undying love. I never heard from him again.
I started to plan to leave. I cannot be a punching bag for everyone. But our lease wasn't up until January 1 and it would be the holidays. Throughout that time I worked, hard, and was pretty happy. Things started to look up and I thought maybe it would work with Greg until one day the beginning of December I came to work in tears. I told our "office manager" what was up. I told her why. She was stunned. Greg had blown through more money than ever. I had put forth everything for him and he just let me down so badly before Christmas. This was it. Bonnie was understanding and told Bob, my boss. Bonnie, our receptionist/office manager as it were is also Bob's girlfriend.
Over the holidays things got a little hairy.
See, in December, I had gone to Niagara with Will and afterwards I had an "evening" with a woman. I didn't feel bad actually; maybe because she was a woman but it was what I needed and I enjoyed it. I felt relief. Into January I developed this awful rash that my foster mom took me to the doctor over. It was everywhere. My neck, my legs, my arms. I was scratching to high hell and I was dying. I was off two days from work. I returned still rashy. My boss Pablo (also named Steve so Sandra and I named him Pablo) was so busy and things were getting missed, dropped, not explained. Finally we had a meeting at work in January and worked out the kinks. Things were getting better until the rash came back again with a vengence. I was off one day in February from it. But I didn't care, even though I feared for my job. I didn't care because my life was going downhill fast. The day of Valentine's Greg had wanted to take me out for the first time (I think because we hadn't given notice yet at our apartment he wanted to try and salvage something) but, he didn't. In fact we ended up at his parents. I took a bus from Toronto as I had been visiting friends and we had an okay night. The next day however? Greg left me there. For four hours. With his mom. So he could go out with his friend in Bownmanville. I was trapped, no car, talking about Dawn's baby shower! I wanted to leave. I wanted to go home. He was too busy. He said he wanted to get me flowers and when he returned to his parents that Sunday after hours he gave them to me, in front of his entire family who arrived for dinner (aunts and uncles included). The next day we went home. I was hungover and still angry with him.
We got home and my Ma texted. She said she wanted to pay our Netflix account as she'd been using it and I said "why? don't be silly" and then she let me know...the account was declined for NON PAYMENT. I confronted Greg. To the tune of $400+ per month he's been blowing it on drugs. I freaked right now. That Thursday I came home and he was in Newmarket for the night. The car had been dying for a while and he was going to have it looked at so I went home alone, and you know what? I did an awful thing. I met some random person while intoxicated and I had at him. It didn't last long. And I don't even feel guilty. I haven't been in this relationship with Greg for so long; and I am not going to apologize for what I've done. I am sorry for it but not for having done it. someone, touched me. They wanted only me at that moment and they liked it. I wasn't' their money bitch. I wasn't their servant; the maid; the sugar momma. I didn't owe them anything and they owned me nothing in return. We had already given our notice, we were over. We had even discussed how Greg doesn't think we had ever been happy because it's never been real. We were done and he was already sleeping on the couch or I would be in the spare room.
I held that in for a long time and then told my friend Sandra. I told her because i was doped on a sleeping pill. i've been sick for two weeks dying, Greg too, and he gave me something to finally let me sleep. Sandra has decided my moral compass is so much lower than hers that she needs "time". I thought to myself. You can be disappointed all you want, but of the people who actually know? not one of them has admonished me. They've actually said it doesn't matter. We are over and have been for a while. I thought...go ahead and judge me. you've never had to work for a thing in your life until now and you are even finding your own perfect husband you married last year and only moved in with AFTER you were married isn't so perfect after all. What would you do if you had taken it for two years of stress, pain, financial worry taking care of your husband while he secretly ruined everything? She claimed she would leave. I told her then "ya, and you would be an asshole for giving up on him" and now, I have given up, and suddenly I am this horrible bad guy? maybe I am. Somehow I just don't care.
Turns out, Steve also had an affair. Looks like we're too peas in a pod. I only found out because Sandra LOVES to tell me all about what Steve's sister tells her. They are friends. I don't speak to Steve, nor his sister, nor Sandra. And frankly, right now I am good with it.
I move May 1. That is when my life is going to start over.