An Update
It's been a long time since I've written, and a lot has gone on. Family stuff - like speaking to my mother again, but only via email, and that in short supply; occasionally talking to my sister, stuff like that. Work stuff - I hate it here. I suppose that it's partly my fault because I thought I could do something this large, and am finding that sometimes it doesn't matter how good you are, the environment surrounding you can take it's toll.
I have missed an assessment date costing our firm a few thousand dollars, missed a confirmation sheet which, so we are clear I accept the blame as I should have reviewed the fax number but it wasn't my fault entirely (I still ate the crap for it though), and other things. I am letting my emotional stress financially and work related to spill into my relationship with Greg too.
It's all a whirlwind, but maybe I will get through it. I found working here I feel like I am at Lawson's again never making enough, working overtime, gaining weight, drinking, being tired all the time and not sleeping, and traversing each day with a grim view.
It's not Greg's fault how I feel about work but I seem to be taking it out on him in spite of the fact that he's been nothing but supportive and has even asked for a raise at work (and received it), however I keep pushing it on him anyways.
I have had this reoccurring dream of late. While the dream itself is not the same, the context always is. I am always searching for Greg because there is something threatening me (in one dream it was a group of terrifying tattooed men trying to assault me, and in another it was a monster) and I know once I find him everything will be alright and he will protect me, but I never seem to locate him.
I usually wake up sweaty and anxious and very nervous. It's been the last week. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something.
I've missed appointments with family, I've missed bill payments, I am crashing and I'd love to be picked up right now and carried just for a bit but it doesn't seem to be going my way. For example, didn't even know that my brother's birthday had passed because that same day was the day I cost my firm a bunch of money, or just found out that my other foster brother and his girlfriend have split up, and are living in different places...this has gone on a month. My brain is stuck on stupid.
I have decided to forgo any more social engagements until the end of March. In burning the candle at both ends, I've managed to burn a massive hole in my wallet. It doesn't help that Greg mysteriously loses money lately. No, he's not doing anything illegal, but why on earth he NEEDS a bank account with only one branch in our city which is on the outskirts no where near our home requiring him to withdrawal all of his pay, leaving it in his wallet, so that he can get LOST is beyond me. But, "I've had it since I was a kid!" ... sigh.
Oh, and let me tell you, my friends are even crawling up my skin now. Helena, god I love her, if she freaking doesn't pull herself out of this ridiculous funk she has going about some jerk who treated her so bloody poorly soon, I am going to throttle her. She's acting as though it was a relationship like mine! The guy used her for a ride to the airport, gave her bloody thermal back heating pads for her back on Christmas, has admitted to seeing other women because he "doesn't want to just have a girlfriend, but is looking for a wife"... wtf. GET OVER IT. So much so? she actually ruined the singular only night I got to have out with friends because she was too exhausted to stay out and given that she was staying with me and Heather, that meant we had to leave too.
Will? he's lost everything. His business, his home, he was staying with a friend and she even kicked him out for no reason...every day he messages me with something worse than the last and I can't help him nor will I. I helped him enough. Note, this is part of the reason I am even more mad at Helena - because he had no where to sleep while working until 3 a.m. at a bar to make money, and Heather graciously offered him her home, but Helena was so bloody selfish that Will almost had to find a place to sleep! Heather and I bucked up and stayed awake for him though.
But that shouldn't be my problem either! I am so sick of it!
Here's what I want: a weekend alone, with Greg, to clean, without spending money, and to cuddle up. Think that's going to happen? nope. Even this weekend - his parents are coming for dinner Sunday night as it's his mother's birthday. I am okay with that. But like...one weekend...please...
I wish I could say this was a good post but it's not. I am so tired of working overtime to pay back my own bills, while helping him so that he has a way to work, while trying to organize our accounts so we can pay for the cottage rental in August we have, while trying to keep up with family, friends, and figuring out how to sleep and at least marginally pretend I enjoy where I work.
A massage. That's what I need.
I have missed an assessment date costing our firm a few thousand dollars, missed a confirmation sheet which, so we are clear I accept the blame as I should have reviewed the fax number but it wasn't my fault entirely (I still ate the crap for it though), and other things. I am letting my emotional stress financially and work related to spill into my relationship with Greg too.
It's all a whirlwind, but maybe I will get through it. I found working here I feel like I am at Lawson's again never making enough, working overtime, gaining weight, drinking, being tired all the time and not sleeping, and traversing each day with a grim view.
It's not Greg's fault how I feel about work but I seem to be taking it out on him in spite of the fact that he's been nothing but supportive and has even asked for a raise at work (and received it), however I keep pushing it on him anyways.
I have had this reoccurring dream of late. While the dream itself is not the same, the context always is. I am always searching for Greg because there is something threatening me (in one dream it was a group of terrifying tattooed men trying to assault me, and in another it was a monster) and I know once I find him everything will be alright and he will protect me, but I never seem to locate him.
I usually wake up sweaty and anxious and very nervous. It's been the last week. Maybe my brain is trying to tell me something.
I've missed appointments with family, I've missed bill payments, I am crashing and I'd love to be picked up right now and carried just for a bit but it doesn't seem to be going my way. For example, didn't even know that my brother's birthday had passed because that same day was the day I cost my firm a bunch of money, or just found out that my other foster brother and his girlfriend have split up, and are living in different places...this has gone on a month. My brain is stuck on stupid.
I have decided to forgo any more social engagements until the end of March. In burning the candle at both ends, I've managed to burn a massive hole in my wallet. It doesn't help that Greg mysteriously loses money lately. No, he's not doing anything illegal, but why on earth he NEEDS a bank account with only one branch in our city which is on the outskirts no where near our home requiring him to withdrawal all of his pay, leaving it in his wallet, so that he can get LOST is beyond me. But, "I've had it since I was a kid!" ... sigh.
Oh, and let me tell you, my friends are even crawling up my skin now. Helena, god I love her, if she freaking doesn't pull herself out of this ridiculous funk she has going about some jerk who treated her so bloody poorly soon, I am going to throttle her. She's acting as though it was a relationship like mine! The guy used her for a ride to the airport, gave her bloody thermal back heating pads for her back on Christmas, has admitted to seeing other women because he "doesn't want to just have a girlfriend, but is looking for a wife"... wtf. GET OVER IT. So much so? she actually ruined the singular only night I got to have out with friends because she was too exhausted to stay out and given that she was staying with me and Heather, that meant we had to leave too.
Will? he's lost everything. His business, his home, he was staying with a friend and she even kicked him out for no reason...every day he messages me with something worse than the last and I can't help him nor will I. I helped him enough. Note, this is part of the reason I am even more mad at Helena - because he had no where to sleep while working until 3 a.m. at a bar to make money, and Heather graciously offered him her home, but Helena was so bloody selfish that Will almost had to find a place to sleep! Heather and I bucked up and stayed awake for him though.
But that shouldn't be my problem either! I am so sick of it!
Here's what I want: a weekend alone, with Greg, to clean, without spending money, and to cuddle up. Think that's going to happen? nope. Even this weekend - his parents are coming for dinner Sunday night as it's his mother's birthday. I am okay with that. But like...one weekend...please...
I wish I could say this was a good post but it's not. I am so tired of working overtime to pay back my own bills, while helping him so that he has a way to work, while trying to organize our accounts so we can pay for the cottage rental in August we have, while trying to keep up with family, friends, and figuring out how to sleep and at least marginally pretend I enjoy where I work.
A massage. That's what I need.