[Fanfiction - The GazettE] Love & Resentment Kai/Uruha/Aoi Oneshot
Title: Love & Resentment
Author: sorrowofanangel
Genre: Romance, angst, 1st person
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai, Uruha x Aoi/ Aoi x Uruha (brief)
WARNINGS: Strong language, serious make-out-age ^^"
Rating: R
DISCLAIMER: Kai told me he'd beat me with his drumstick if I told... (Oo;)
Synopsis: "He told me I wasn't the only one he'd fallen in love with. That we couldn't be together. Now, sitting in a café all alone, waiting for him to arrive, I prayed I could change his mind..."
Notes: Based on a recent experience of mine ~ and to show I'm still alive and to prove to myself I'm still capable of writing xD Hope you enjoy (^^*)
*
The café is strangely quiet and melancholy; not the usual atmosphere I’d expect on a Wednesday afternoon.
I’d ordered two sodas already; just the way we prefer. His was pleasantly chilled inside a tall glass, no ice and a single slice of lemon peel. Mine with extra ice and no lemon. I preferred lime instead. Was smoother on the tongue.
I check my watch briefly; concerned that the waitress serving today had passed by me five times already, tending to the other couple sitting in the corner by the window.
I’d been observing them for a while now; sitting in my usual place in a booth nearest to the middle of the café. They were picky eaters, sending their cheese omelettes back twice after complaining it was too cold. Prior to that, they’d kindly listed the contents they wished to appear on the accompanying salad garnish.
Finicky bastards… accept what you’re given and get over it already. You can’t change every little detail in life.
I sigh and draw anonymous shapes on the side of my glass with my little finger.
Or can you?
I theorised; perhaps tending to the smaller, meaningless things in our lives such as the meals we’re given, the drinks we order, the clothes we wear; it makes us feel better about ourselves. We might feel then that we at least have some sort of control over the choices we make.
I feel another sigh make my chest feel heavy again. I knew I thought about things too much; that’s what Kou always used to tell me…
I stop drawing shapes against my glass and pick it up, taking a small sip. Somehow I’d hoped the extra ice might calm my accelerated heart rate.
I succumb to temptation and check my watch again; only two minutes having passed since the last time I checked.
He was never the type to be late, I knew that. Often, he was a very careful timekeeper, always planning ahead at the best of times.
Seemed even Kouyou liked to be in control, much like the rest of us. He’d already worked out what was to be on his salad garnish…
I tap my fingers against the table. Bounce my knees under it. Shuffle my feet to a rhythm randomly composed in my head.
Nervousness, I realised, couldn’t be controlled…
The tiny bell hanging above the café door jingles and my attention follows suit.
Sure enough, I smile as I see Kouyou carefully close the door behind him; dressed just right for Spring in a short jacket and scarf, his dark washed jeans tucked into combat boots. Even on a windy day, his hair remained just as divine; blonde strands curling over each other even as he set them straight again, the locks sweeping like arcs against his shoulders.
It takes him only a moment to spot me. He even smiles a little, and that warms me to an extent. I’d pictured a solemn tight lipped expression with little or no regard to friendliness. So far this was going well,
“Hey.” He breathes, unhooking his scarf and looking down at the coke fizzing happily in its glass,
“Thought you might have liked one.” I explain gently, without so much as a greeting.
“Thanks. That’s very thoughtful of you.” He murmurs back, almost at the same volume and gentleness as myself, and he slides into the booth in one stiff movement.
He unbuttons his jacket from the top, stopping at the third when he decides to leave it on instead.
My heart sinks again; he’s not planning on staying for long,
“How are you?” he whispers.
That inevitable question I knew would come first. He’s always caring - putting others before himself. It had been something I’d always admired until now.
Now it just broke my heart,
“How do you think?” I say gently, to which he melts into a sad and sheepish smile, “What would you say if I asked you the same thing?”
He shrugs, picking up his drink and taking a few gulps, “Is that your way of asking how I am too?”
I lower my eyes and feel my chest tighten, “I guess.”
“Well, I’m okay.” He replies honestly, my eyes still lingering on the small circle of condensation my glass was leaving against the table,
“You’re sure about that?” I mumble,
“Absolutely certain.”
I don’t say anything,
“You seem disappointed.” He muses; and already I can feel his eyes bore into me. It left a burn I made no move to soothe. The latter of which couldn’t be soothed,
“Well, it would make it easier on me if I wasn’t the only one nursing a broken heart…” I choose not to lie and come out with it straight. I’d been masking my true feelings for too long.
I hear him sigh deeply, the table before me already merging together in a giant blur,
“I’m sorry…”
I close my eyes,
“Stop saying that…” I whisper, “It isn’t even your fault.”
“I know that I’ve hurt you, though.” He presses, “And if there was any other way then I swear, Yu, I would -“
“- Do anything to change it.” We say in unison, and he sighs, falling silent again,
“I’ve heard it too many times Kou.” I tell him sternly, ignoring the way he looks at me, a little surprised at my chosen tone.
To frustrate me further, he lays a hand on mine; soft and warm like it always is. Slender fingers that could do wonders in the midst of my imagination,
“And you know I mean it.” He says sternly, and I watch the way his other hand tightens against his glass, non-chilled like mine so I doubt it’s doing little to calm his heart either,
“Do I?” I whisper vaguely, remembering how I’d asked myself these questions over and over again, unsuccessfully answered as always, “Kou, I sacrificed everything for you. Did things I’ve never done before and now this is your answer to me?”
He’s silent for a minute while he explores the debate I’ve raised. Already I can feel my cheeks dampened and my voice breaking, but I don’t necessarily care.
It’s him I want. It’s always been him. As much as it kills me to say it, I know for the time being I have to let him go. For now.
But it hurts. It hurts so much…
My shoulders are already shaking and I feel him pulling me to stand up, tugging me forward towards the door.
I don’t concern myself that the ¥416 I’d spent on those drinks was now wasted and that I’d left my own scarf bunched up beside me on the seat. My only concern was being with him, and I was treasuring every minute of it, regardless of where he was taking me or for what reason he had for us leaving the café.
Five minutes later I’m sat in his car, making out the inner workings of his dashboard through my tears; the unmistakeable Pikachu bobble-head doll a complete giveaway.
He closes the door as he seats himself beside me, turning his body to face me.
I don’t do the same. I can’t do the same. Even when he calls my name over and over again. Part of me doesn’t want him to stop,
“Come here.” He murmurs softly, giving me no choice and pulling me against his chest; smooth against my cheek as his shirt underneath is unbuttoned too. I sigh in contentment before I start to sob quietly, knowing soon it’ll ruin that soft feeling against my face,
“I’m sorry.” He murmurs, over and over until it turns my cries heavier and heavier. As though each time he said those words, it added an extra weight in my chest. An extra tug on my heart,
“It’s okay.” He whispers gently, and I feel his fingers against my hair, twirling the brunette strands he said he’d always admired. The first thing he’d loved about me, apparently,
“I wish this never had to happen!” I cry against him, only now aware of my hands scrunching his jacket tight, “I-I love you!”
“I know.” You tell me quietly, rubbing my back smoothly, those hands of yours working their magic as always. Hands that no longer belong to me, “It’s okay…”
“Shut up!” I scream into his shoulder, “I love you! Don’t you get it?! I love you!”
“I know.” You murmur again, not the answer I want and it’s driving me insane. Something inside me screams out loud. Begging me to make him say it. To make myself hear it, I need to hear it,
“I love you…” I sob loudly, muffled slightly by the material of his jacket, “I love you, I love you, I love you, Kouyou!”
“Shhh...” Your lips pressed against my ear fills me overwhelmingly with warmth; but it doesn’t compensate for the feelings I’ve lost. The pain I feel,
“Kouyou!” I cry out his name in anguish, my eyes red and sore the more I cling to him, letting my wails of inconsolable sorrow rattle against the walls of the car. Not one bit of me cares that I’ve never cried this hard in front of anyone before.
Because Kouyou was my whole world. The sole basis my happiness was built on. At the time, I knew it had been wrong to do so, but I clung to him. I depended on him for many things. Many of which had crashed down around me and I didn’t know what to do with myself,
“I just don’t think I deserve you… Nor do I think I was as much into the relationship as you were.”
Let things be different between us…
“I need to figure out my feelings. But no matter what happens, you’ll always be someone close to my heart and someone I would never want to lose.”
But that’s just not enough,
“It’s okay to cry.” Kouyou reassures me softly, as I tear myself away from him and cover my face with my hands, catching every tear on my fingertips, shaking my head as I realise how weak I must look.
I’d rehearsed what I was going to say to him a thousand times over in my head; ever since he called and told me to meet him today. So far nothing was coming out the way I wanted it to at all,
“Why can’t we be together?!” My breath is laboured, and it takes me a couple of tries to get the words out, “Please, Kouyou, if you say you love me, why must you do this to me? To us?! To yourself for Christ sakes?!”
He merely shakes his head at me sadly, “I wish there was some other way. But right now, it’s not fair on you for us to be together if I have doubts about my feelings for you...”
“Well you should have thought about that before you told me you loved me!!” I snap, tearing my hands away as he tries to hold them,
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it!” He shouts back at me, more pleading than angry, “I meant every word, Yutaka, I swear to you that I did!”
Something inside me grows furious. I become maddened at how I am sat here crying heavy tears when he seems so calm and unaffected. It was as though what we’d shared together these past few months had had no effect on him whatsoever. An empty shell. A meaningless story. A book without words. A song without melody.
Together though, we could be a meaningful story. We could be that song with melody,
“I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you.” Kouyou mumbles, accommodating a rueful sigh for good measure. To show me that he may just be in pain too, “I really am, Yu, but I don’t know any other way to spare you.”
“Spare me of what?” I mumble quietly, my stomach squeezing as I recall how I haven’t slept for weeks. How I’ve flicked through photo after photo and cried whenever he came up. How I’ve stayed up listening to music, the saddest songs I own on repeat until, finally, I can’t cry anymore,
“There is no greater pain you could ever put me through.” I tell him softly, my eyes welling as I force myself to look at him; a task I’ve struggled with for days.
It seems Kouyou doesn’t know what to say, his lips pressed firmly together. Either I was beginning to win him over or he was busy coming up with a well constructed argument.
It didn’t help that he was blindingly beautiful; that stunning blonde hair, smooth pale skin and those slender legs. I’d always struggled with myself whenever he’d worn one of his many V-neck T-shirts, his incredibly delicate chest bare for all eyes to see. Kouyou always looked twice as stunning when he’d worn those shirts, so much that the thought of him now was sending me over the edge,
“Kou…” I whisper, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand before I move closer to him.
To a small ray of delight, he doesn’t move back; even though he always knows that type of look in my eye when I wanted something,
“Yu…” he mumbles to me, his hands holding my waist as I inch further until our knees are touching,
“I want you to do something for me.” I tell him, my hand shaking slightly as I rest it against his cheek, letting my thumb explore the wondrous structure that was his jaw line, “Just this one thing…”
“You know I’d do anything for you, Yu.” Kouyou sighs into my palm, turning his face to let his lips brush against my fingers. It sends unpreventable shivers searing through me; I’d never once known a touch quite like it.
It only made me want him more. The lust was overpowering me in swift waves, thick and fast; but I knew they would either be fulfilled or rejected. The greater half of me knew which one it was to be.
But I had to try. Just to feel him once more,
“Kou…” I swallow slowly, my breath heated against his cheeks, “Kouyou, make love to me…”
His face turns hard; his jaw stiffens. For one horrible moment, I fear I’ve angered him. Kouyou had always hated taking advantage of others and I suppose that’s what he thought I was offering him.
But then he’s kissing my fingertips, working his way towards my wrist and down my arm. The wetness his tongue leaves brings me into a sea of untold ecstasy; goosebumps are soon dotting themselves across my skin,
“Kou…” I whisper gently, my other hand smoothing through the soft strands of his hair, silky and light against my fingertips.
An angel… I wanted him so much.
We were both breathing heavy by the time our mouths had found each other, and I could feel the gentle pressure of Kouyou’s hand squeezing my thigh. Our lips were still inches apart, both of us savouring the anticipation of the kiss to come, my mind locking the image in a box and saving it for years to come.
I’d always done well at seducing him, which had often surprised me. I was a self conscious creature, not understanding why anyone went near me nor did I believe what they said when they’d told me the truth.
Because you’re beautiful…
I huff out a large wad of air and pull his face closer to me, this waiting game playing with the strings of my patience.
Just kiss me already…
I can already feel the flesh of his bottom lip; spongy as it brushes against my own and I moan almost voicelessly.
I try to say his name, but nothing comes out, the unmentioned word lost inside his mouth as he finally wraps his lips around my own.
I feel I’ve already died, everything around me slowing and slowly fading until there was nothing but Kouyou and me. So long I’d waited for this. So. Long.
This was too incredible to let go of…
My heart thuds violently against the walls of my chest until it begins to hurt and I lose myself in the pain. At least it was better than heartache; the only pain I had felt since…
I let my eyes flutter closed as we move our lips to the rhythm of our recently banished love. My love for him was imminent, and I knew he was trying to do the right thing by breaking things off with me. Just for now. So he could work out the love he had for me and the love he had for his best friend.
The choice he must make…
It was selfish, but I had to make him see that he was better off with me. And if that makes me a bad person for wanting to be with the man I love, then strap me down and send me to the Devil on a skewer right this instant.
Kouyou’s hands explore me with invigorating fervour, cupping my cheeks and around my neck, kissing me slowly at first; allowing my heart to flutter just for a second before he gets harder and insistent, until I’m being pressed callously against my seat.
I treasure every moment, every touch, every kiss should my fears turn real and he pulls away. Kouyou was the type to act before he thought things through; I doubt this would be any different.
But he keeps going. We both do. Even to the points where our mouths are dry and we can barely breathe.
My trousers are already incredibly tight and the knots in my stomach start to untie loosely the more I feel him against me; pretty soon we’re pushed so closely together that I can feel his heart against mine. Beating so hard they almost sync as one.
I moan as his head slips into my shoulder and he trails my neckline with loving kisses, sucking and leaving his mark on me at every stop he makes.
Before long, he’s mounting me against the seat and I feel him reach past me down the side, the chair jerking backwards once he finds the lever and I’m suddenly staring up at the car ceiling,
“Kou…” I murmur breathlessly, my neck sore and wet but I really don’t care. I don’t care and it sends a searing grin across my face, stretching from cheek to cheek.
This is what I wanted. This. His arms around me, his kisses against my skin, his body thumping against mine,
“Yu…” over and over he whispers my name again, sweet like cinnamon against the summer air surrounding us right now, seeping in through the open car windows. I don’t even know if anyone can see us like this right now; Kouyou’s sports car was parked against the central park as far as I can remember. At least it was when he’d thrown me inside it.
Despite these small worries, I’d never felt so alive. The blood flowing through my veins was making my face flush so very deeply, and I could sense Kouyou was beginning to feel the same. A few strands of his thick, blonde hair slightly wet when he stares down at me.
I stare back, my chest rising and falling erratically and I begin to feel that pain in my chest again as my heart resumes its thudding. I don’t think it had ever actually stopped.
Kouyou’s eyes were such alluring figures. Pools of a deep brown so dark I could see my own reflection in them. I looked helpless, defeated; a rabbit caught in the headlights as I failed to fight my overcoming vulnerability towards this man.
Kouyou caresses my cheek, his eyes darting between my own as he wonders what to do next.
I take the hand holding his cheek and, to help him, direct it towards my trousers.
Kouyou’s eyes follow it with slight alarm; before I lift up his chin and pull him down to kiss me again,
“Yutaka… Yutaka…” he murmurs softly, my name evaporating against my own tongue the deeper I push myself into him.
I can feel his fingers tighten against the bulge grown thick under my jeans and it makes a moan escape me, my own hand tightening against his neck and I grip harder.
He was driving me insane; just with his very presence it was hard but this. This was always something else. Completely out of this world…
One of the reasons why I couldn’t lose him…
My hands are already unbuttoning his trousers before I even registered I was doing it, and in return it earns me a push away; the price to pay for my eagerness,
“Yu…” Kouyou shakes his head, and I sit up as he slacks back on his ankles, his head slowly moving to look down at the hand laid on my crotch.
I blink once and watch him swallow, his fingers shaking as he pulls it away and down below, something already feels agonisingly empty,
“Kou?” I sit up further, watching as he leans so far, his back almost touches the dashboard, “… What is it?” I ask softly, trying to reassure him as I lay a hand on his cheek,
“I…” He looks around the car, somehow lost for the right answer. Or an answer at all…
“Th-This isn’t helping.” He says at last, slowly jerking his head away from the reach of my fingertips, my own hand falling as he does so, “It’s just confusing me.”
My heart slows, already touching on that familiar ache I’d felt for the past two weeks. I knew I didn’t want to have to feel it again; most times it was unbearable. So unbearable all I could do was cry and scream into something that would muffle the pain,
“I’m just showing you how much you mean to me…” I try to explain, the tears already coursing down my cheeks as my bottom lip trembles.
It was then I realised I hated being in love,
“I know you are.” He smiles briefly, taking my hand in his, both trembling considerably, “But how can I work this out when this is what we’re like around each other?”
I nodded in a somewhat empty fashion. I knew what he meant; we hardly talked. We just spent all our time seducing the other, turning each other on…
“I can change…” My voice breaks, “We can sit and talk more, we don’t… we don’t have to do this all the time. Kouyou please…”
He stares at me; his eyes devoid of all emotion. He doesn’t smile, he doesn’t frown. It’s as though the reason behind emotion itself is suddenly meaningless and unimportant to him,
“I need to talk to Aoi first.” Kouyou mumbles lowly, holding my stare even as he starts to blur before me, “Kai, I can’t do anything until I talk to him face to face.”
I nod again. Knowing there’s nothing I could say to change his mind. To make him see…
I feel a sob shake my shoulders; never in my whole life had I felt so powerless,
“I doubt you’ll need me then.” I sigh shakily before setting my shirt straight and gripping the door handle tight, pushing it open. I fear if I stay any longer I may break down entirely; of which I know I don’t want.
Kouyou will hold me again until I stop, and I’ll take his comfort the wrong way as usual,
“Yu, wait!”
Kouyou’s hand latches onto my arm and my eyes slam closed, the wave flowing through me at the touch of his fingertips so overpowering I have to take a deep breath towards the sky,
“Please don’t be mad at me.” The words are sad, sorry; the same as usual, “Please…Please don’t hate me.”
I turn my head slightly to the side, looking at him only a little from over my shoulder, “I don’t hate you.” I whisper softly, my words stolen by the breeze soon after,
“It’s being in love with you that I hate…”
It’s then I stand up and slam the door behind me, not looking back even as I break down and head back towards the café.
I don’t hear him get out and call after me. Some part of me is relieved of that. The other sinks my heart into its further broken state.
The café is empty when I return, easily able to locate the scarf I’d forgotten earlier. Our glasses have already been cleared away, the table before me lying empty and bare, ready for the next couple that may come in. Ready to talk about the break-up they wished they’d never had. Perhaps they’d have better luck than me in resolving that.
I hold my scarf to my face, pressing my nose tight into it and letting myself cry against the cotton.
And I stay like that the entire way home, sobbing into the material like a small child in need of a favourite teddy bear.
In need of love and comfort. In a child’s sense, I needed those very much too.
Just a child when it comes to falling in love…
I sense Kouyou’s car still rumbling against the sidewalk as I take the path that will bring me home. Back to an empty apartment and the bed sheets and cushions stained by my tears. I have yet to clean them.
He doesn’t follow me, nor do I look back. For now, all I can do is hope that he can fall in love with me again. After he talks to Aoi of course.
Until he falls in love with me again.
I hate being in love…
*
A/N: Comments are adored as always <3 I'm on my Easter holidays now so I'll have more free time to write ~ expect updates soon ^^
Sorry for my lack of works lately... (^^;)
Author: sorrowofanangel
Genre: Romance, angst, 1st person
Band: The GazettE
Pairing(s): Kai x Uruha/ Uruha x Kai, Uruha x Aoi/ Aoi x Uruha (brief)
WARNINGS: Strong language, serious make-out-age ^^"
Rating: R
DISCLAIMER: Kai told me he'd beat me with his drumstick if I told... (Oo;)
Synopsis: "He told me I wasn't the only one he'd fallen in love with. That we couldn't be together. Now, sitting in a café all alone, waiting for him to arrive, I prayed I could change his mind..."
Notes: Based on a recent experience of mine ~ and to show I'm still alive and to prove to myself I'm still capable of writing xD Hope you enjoy (^^*)
*
The café is strangely quiet and melancholy; not the usual atmosphere I’d expect on a Wednesday afternoon.
I’d ordered two sodas already; just the way we prefer. His was pleasantly chilled inside a tall glass, no ice and a single slice of lemon peel. Mine with extra ice and no lemon. I preferred lime instead. Was smoother on the tongue.
I check my watch briefly; concerned that the waitress serving today had passed by me five times already, tending to the other couple sitting in the corner by the window.
I’d been observing them for a while now; sitting in my usual place in a booth nearest to the middle of the café. They were picky eaters, sending their cheese omelettes back twice after complaining it was too cold. Prior to that, they’d kindly listed the contents they wished to appear on the accompanying salad garnish.
Finicky bastards… accept what you’re given and get over it already. You can’t change every little detail in life.
I sigh and draw anonymous shapes on the side of my glass with my little finger.
Or can you?
I theorised; perhaps tending to the smaller, meaningless things in our lives such as the meals we’re given, the drinks we order, the clothes we wear; it makes us feel better about ourselves. We might feel then that we at least have some sort of control over the choices we make.
I feel another sigh make my chest feel heavy again. I knew I thought about things too much; that’s what Kou always used to tell me…
I stop drawing shapes against my glass and pick it up, taking a small sip. Somehow I’d hoped the extra ice might calm my accelerated heart rate.
I succumb to temptation and check my watch again; only two minutes having passed since the last time I checked.
He was never the type to be late, I knew that. Often, he was a very careful timekeeper, always planning ahead at the best of times.
Seemed even Kouyou liked to be in control, much like the rest of us. He’d already worked out what was to be on his salad garnish…
I tap my fingers against the table. Bounce my knees under it. Shuffle my feet to a rhythm randomly composed in my head.
Nervousness, I realised, couldn’t be controlled…
The tiny bell hanging above the café door jingles and my attention follows suit.
Sure enough, I smile as I see Kouyou carefully close the door behind him; dressed just right for Spring in a short jacket and scarf, his dark washed jeans tucked into combat boots. Even on a windy day, his hair remained just as divine; blonde strands curling over each other even as he set them straight again, the locks sweeping like arcs against his shoulders.
It takes him only a moment to spot me. He even smiles a little, and that warms me to an extent. I’d pictured a solemn tight lipped expression with little or no regard to friendliness. So far this was going well,
“Hey.” He breathes, unhooking his scarf and looking down at the coke fizzing happily in its glass,
“Thought you might have liked one.” I explain gently, without so much as a greeting.
“Thanks. That’s very thoughtful of you.” He murmurs back, almost at the same volume and gentleness as myself, and he slides into the booth in one stiff movement.
He unbuttons his jacket from the top, stopping at the third when he decides to leave it on instead.
My heart sinks again; he’s not planning on staying for long,
“How are you?” he whispers.
That inevitable question I knew would come first. He’s always caring - putting others before himself. It had been something I’d always admired until now.
Now it just broke my heart,
“How do you think?” I say gently, to which he melts into a sad and sheepish smile, “What would you say if I asked you the same thing?”
He shrugs, picking up his drink and taking a few gulps, “Is that your way of asking how I am too?”
I lower my eyes and feel my chest tighten, “I guess.”
“Well, I’m okay.” He replies honestly, my eyes still lingering on the small circle of condensation my glass was leaving against the table,
“You’re sure about that?” I mumble,
“Absolutely certain.”
I don’t say anything,
“You seem disappointed.” He muses; and already I can feel his eyes bore into me. It left a burn I made no move to soothe. The latter of which couldn’t be soothed,
“Well, it would make it easier on me if I wasn’t the only one nursing a broken heart…” I choose not to lie and come out with it straight. I’d been masking my true feelings for too long.
I hear him sigh deeply, the table before me already merging together in a giant blur,
“I’m sorry…”
I close my eyes,
“Stop saying that…” I whisper, “It isn’t even your fault.”
“I know that I’ve hurt you, though.” He presses, “And if there was any other way then I swear, Yu, I would -“
“- Do anything to change it.” We say in unison, and he sighs, falling silent again,
“I’ve heard it too many times Kou.” I tell him sternly, ignoring the way he looks at me, a little surprised at my chosen tone.
To frustrate me further, he lays a hand on mine; soft and warm like it always is. Slender fingers that could do wonders in the midst of my imagination,
“And you know I mean it.” He says sternly, and I watch the way his other hand tightens against his glass, non-chilled like mine so I doubt it’s doing little to calm his heart either,
“Do I?” I whisper vaguely, remembering how I’d asked myself these questions over and over again, unsuccessfully answered as always, “Kou, I sacrificed everything for you. Did things I’ve never done before and now this is your answer to me?”
He’s silent for a minute while he explores the debate I’ve raised. Already I can feel my cheeks dampened and my voice breaking, but I don’t necessarily care.
It’s him I want. It’s always been him. As much as it kills me to say it, I know for the time being I have to let him go. For now.
But it hurts. It hurts so much…
My shoulders are already shaking and I feel him pulling me to stand up, tugging me forward towards the door.
I don’t concern myself that the ¥416 I’d spent on those drinks was now wasted and that I’d left my own scarf bunched up beside me on the seat. My only concern was being with him, and I was treasuring every minute of it, regardless of where he was taking me or for what reason he had for us leaving the café.
Five minutes later I’m sat in his car, making out the inner workings of his dashboard through my tears; the unmistakeable Pikachu bobble-head doll a complete giveaway.
He closes the door as he seats himself beside me, turning his body to face me.
I don’t do the same. I can’t do the same. Even when he calls my name over and over again. Part of me doesn’t want him to stop,
“Come here.” He murmurs softly, giving me no choice and pulling me against his chest; smooth against my cheek as his shirt underneath is unbuttoned too. I sigh in contentment before I start to sob quietly, knowing soon it’ll ruin that soft feeling against my face,
“I’m sorry.” He murmurs, over and over until it turns my cries heavier and heavier. As though each time he said those words, it added an extra weight in my chest. An extra tug on my heart,
“It’s okay.” He whispers gently, and I feel his fingers against my hair, twirling the brunette strands he said he’d always admired. The first thing he’d loved about me, apparently,
“I wish this never had to happen!” I cry against him, only now aware of my hands scrunching his jacket tight, “I-I love you!”
“I know.” You tell me quietly, rubbing my back smoothly, those hands of yours working their magic as always. Hands that no longer belong to me, “It’s okay…”
“Shut up!” I scream into his shoulder, “I love you! Don’t you get it?! I love you!”
“I know.” You murmur again, not the answer I want and it’s driving me insane. Something inside me screams out loud. Begging me to make him say it. To make myself hear it, I need to hear it,
“I love you…” I sob loudly, muffled slightly by the material of his jacket, “I love you, I love you, I love you, Kouyou!”
“Shhh...” Your lips pressed against my ear fills me overwhelmingly with warmth; but it doesn’t compensate for the feelings I’ve lost. The pain I feel,
“Kouyou!” I cry out his name in anguish, my eyes red and sore the more I cling to him, letting my wails of inconsolable sorrow rattle against the walls of the car. Not one bit of me cares that I’ve never cried this hard in front of anyone before.
Because Kouyou was my whole world. The sole basis my happiness was built on. At the time, I knew it had been wrong to do so, but I clung to him. I depended on him for many things. Many of which had crashed down around me and I didn’t know what to do with myself,
“I just don’t think I deserve you… Nor do I think I was as much into the relationship as you were.”
Let things be different between us…
“I need to figure out my feelings. But no matter what happens, you’ll always be someone close to my heart and someone I would never want to lose.”
But that’s just not enough,
“It’s okay to cry.” Kouyou reassures me softly, as I tear myself away from him and cover my face with my hands, catching every tear on my fingertips, shaking my head as I realise how weak I must look.
I’d rehearsed what I was going to say to him a thousand times over in my head; ever since he called and told me to meet him today. So far nothing was coming out the way I wanted it to at all,
“Why can’t we be together?!” My breath is laboured, and it takes me a couple of tries to get the words out, “Please, Kouyou, if you say you love me, why must you do this to me? To us?! To yourself for Christ sakes?!”
He merely shakes his head at me sadly, “I wish there was some other way. But right now, it’s not fair on you for us to be together if I have doubts about my feelings for you...”
“Well you should have thought about that before you told me you loved me!!” I snap, tearing my hands away as he tries to hold them,
“That doesn’t mean I didn’t mean it!” He shouts back at me, more pleading than angry, “I meant every word, Yutaka, I swear to you that I did!”
Something inside me grows furious. I become maddened at how I am sat here crying heavy tears when he seems so calm and unaffected. It was as though what we’d shared together these past few months had had no effect on him whatsoever. An empty shell. A meaningless story. A book without words. A song without melody.
Together though, we could be a meaningful story. We could be that song with melody,
“I’m sorry that I’ve hurt you.” Kouyou mumbles, accommodating a rueful sigh for good measure. To show me that he may just be in pain too, “I really am, Yu, but I don’t know any other way to spare you.”
“Spare me of what?” I mumble quietly, my stomach squeezing as I recall how I haven’t slept for weeks. How I’ve flicked through photo after photo and cried whenever he came up. How I’ve stayed up listening to music, the saddest songs I own on repeat until, finally, I can’t cry anymore,
“There is no greater pain you could ever put me through.” I tell him softly, my eyes welling as I force myself to look at him; a task I’ve struggled with for days.
It seems Kouyou doesn’t know what to say, his lips pressed firmly together. Either I was beginning to win him over or he was busy coming up with a well constructed argument.
It didn’t help that he was blindingly beautiful; that stunning blonde hair, smooth pale skin and those slender legs. I’d always struggled with myself whenever he’d worn one of his many V-neck T-shirts, his incredibly delicate chest bare for all eyes to see. Kouyou always looked twice as stunning when he’d worn those shirts, so much that the thought of him now was sending me over the edge,
“Kou…” I whisper, wiping my eyes with the back of my hand before I move closer to him.
To a small ray of delight, he doesn’t move back; even though he always knows that type of look in my eye when I wanted something,
“Yu…” he mumbles to me, his hands holding my waist as I inch further until our knees are touching,
“I want you to do something for me.” I tell him, my hand shaking slightly as I rest it against his cheek, letting my thumb explore the wondrous structure that was his jaw line, “Just this one thing…”
“You know I’d do anything for you, Yu.” Kouyou sighs into my palm, turning his face to let his lips brush against my fingers. It sends unpreventable shivers searing through me; I’d never once known a touch quite like it.
It only made me want him more. The lust was overpowering me in swift waves, thick and fast; but I knew they would either be fulfilled or rejected. The greater half of me knew which one it was to be.
But I had to try. Just to feel him once more,
“Kou…” I swallow slowly, my breath heated against his cheeks, “Kouyou, make love to me…”
His face turns hard; his jaw stiffens. For one horrible moment, I fear I’ve angered him. Kouyou had always hated taking advantage of others and I suppose that’s what he thought I was offering him.
But then he’s kissing my fingertips, working his way towards my wrist and down my arm. The wetness his tongue leaves brings me into a sea of untold ecstasy; goosebumps are soon dotting themselves across my skin,
“Kou…” I whisper gently, my other hand smoothing through the soft strands of his hair, silky and light against my fingertips.
An angel… I wanted him so much.
We were both breathing heavy by the time our mouths had found each other, and I could feel the gentle pressure of Kouyou’s hand squeezing my thigh. Our lips were still inches apart, both of us savouring the anticipation of the kiss to come, my mind locking the image in a box and saving it for years to come.
I’d always done well at seducing him, which had often surprised me. I was a self conscious creature, not understanding why anyone went near me nor did I believe what they said when they’d told me the truth.
Because you’re beautiful…
I huff out a large wad of air and pull his face closer to me, this waiting game playing with the strings of my patience.
Just kiss me already…
I can already feel the flesh of his bottom lip; spongy as it brushes against my own and I moan almost voicelessly.
I try to say his name, but nothing comes out, the unmentioned word lost inside his mouth as he finally wraps his lips around my own.
I feel I’ve already died, everything around me slowing and slowly fading until there was nothing but Kouyou and me. So long I’d waited for this. So. Long.
This was too incredible to let go of…
My heart thuds violently against the walls of my chest until it begins to hurt and I lose myself in the pain. At least it was better than heartache; the only pain I had felt since…
I let my eyes flutter closed as we move our lips to the rhythm of our recently banished love. My love for him was imminent, and I knew he was trying to do the right thing by breaking things off with me. Just for now. So he could work out the love he had for me and the love he had for his best friend.
The choice he must make…
It was selfish, but I had to make him see that he was better off with me. And if that makes me a bad person for wanting to be with the man I love, then strap me down and send me to the Devil on a skewer right this instant.
Kouyou’s hands explore me with invigorating fervour, cupping my cheeks and around my neck, kissing me slowly at first; allowing my heart to flutter just for a second before he gets harder and insistent, until I’m being pressed callously against my seat.
I treasure every moment, every touch, every kiss should my fears turn real and he pulls away. Kouyou was the type to act before he thought things through; I doubt this would be any different.
But he keeps going. We both do. Even to the points where our mouths are dry and we can barely breathe.
My trousers are already incredibly tight and the knots in my stomach start to untie loosely the more I feel him against me; pretty soon we’re pushed so closely together that I can feel his heart against mine. Beating so hard they almost sync as one.
I moan as his head slips into my shoulder and he trails my neckline with loving kisses, sucking and leaving his mark on me at every stop he makes.
Before long, he’s mounting me against the seat and I feel him reach past me down the side, the chair jerking backwards once he finds the lever and I’m suddenly staring up at the car ceiling,
“Kou…” I murmur breathlessly, my neck sore and wet but I really don’t care. I don’t care and it sends a searing grin across my face, stretching from cheek to cheek.
This is what I wanted. This. His arms around me, his kisses against my skin, his body thumping against mine,
“Yu…” over and over he whispers my name again, sweet like cinnamon against the summer air surrounding us right now, seeping in through the open car windows. I don’t even know if anyone can see us like this right now; Kouyou’s sports car was parked against the central park as far as I can remember. At least it was when he’d thrown me inside it.
Despite these small worries, I’d never felt so alive. The blood flowing through my veins was making my face flush so very deeply, and I could sense Kouyou was beginning to feel the same. A few strands of his thick, blonde hair slightly wet when he stares down at me.
I stare back, my chest rising and falling erratically and I begin to feel that pain in my chest again as my heart resumes its thudding. I don’t think it had ever actually stopped.
Kouyou’s eyes were such alluring figures. Pools of a deep brown so dark I could see my own reflection in them. I looked helpless, defeated; a rabbit caught in the headlights as I failed to fight my overcoming vulnerability towards this man.
Kouyou caresses my cheek, his eyes darting between my own as he wonders what to do next.
I take the hand holding his cheek and, to help him, direct it towards my trousers.
Kouyou’s eyes follow it with slight alarm; before I lift up his chin and pull him down to kiss me again,
“Yutaka… Yutaka…” he murmurs softly, my name evaporating against my own tongue the deeper I push myself into him.
I can feel his fingers tighten against the bulge grown thick under my jeans and it makes a moan escape me, my own hand tightening against his neck and I grip harder.
He was driving me insane; just with his very presence it was hard but this. This was always something else. Completely out of this world…
One of the reasons why I couldn’t lose him…
My hands are already unbuttoning his trousers before I even registered I was doing it, and in return it earns me a push away; the price to pay for my eagerness,
“Yu…” Kouyou shakes his head, and I sit up as he slacks back on his ankles, his head slowly moving to look down at the hand laid on my crotch.
I blink once and watch him swallow, his fingers shaking as he pulls it away and down below, something already feels agonisingly empty,
“Kou?” I sit up further, watching as he leans so far, his back almost touches the dashboard, “… What is it?” I ask softly, trying to reassure him as I lay a hand on his cheek,
“I…” He looks around the car, somehow lost for the right answer. Or an answer at all…
“Th-This isn’t helping.” He says at last, slowly jerking his head away from the reach of my fingertips, my own hand falling as he does so, “It’s just confusing me.”
My heart slows, already touching on that familiar ache I’d felt for the past two weeks. I knew I didn’t want to have to feel it again; most times it was unbearable. So unbearable all I could do was cry and scream into something that would muffle the pain,
“I’m just showing you how much you mean to me…” I try to explain, the tears already coursing down my cheeks as my bottom lip trembles.
It was then I realised I hated being in love,
“I know you are.” He smiles briefly, taking my hand in his, both trembling considerably, “But how can I work this out when this is what we’re like around each other?”
I nodded in a somewhat empty fashion. I knew what he meant; we hardly talked. We just spent all our time seducing the other, turning each other on…
“I can change…” My voice breaks, “We can sit and talk more, we don’t… we don’t have to do this all the time. Kouyou please…”
He stares at me; his eyes devoid of all emotion. He doesn’t smile, he doesn’t frown. It’s as though the reason behind emotion itself is suddenly meaningless and unimportant to him,
“I need to talk to Aoi first.” Kouyou mumbles lowly, holding my stare even as he starts to blur before me, “Kai, I can’t do anything until I talk to him face to face.”
I nod again. Knowing there’s nothing I could say to change his mind. To make him see…
I feel a sob shake my shoulders; never in my whole life had I felt so powerless,
“I doubt you’ll need me then.” I sigh shakily before setting my shirt straight and gripping the door handle tight, pushing it open. I fear if I stay any longer I may break down entirely; of which I know I don’t want.
Kouyou will hold me again until I stop, and I’ll take his comfort the wrong way as usual,
“Yu, wait!”
Kouyou’s hand latches onto my arm and my eyes slam closed, the wave flowing through me at the touch of his fingertips so overpowering I have to take a deep breath towards the sky,
“Please don’t be mad at me.” The words are sad, sorry; the same as usual, “Please…Please don’t hate me.”
I turn my head slightly to the side, looking at him only a little from over my shoulder, “I don’t hate you.” I whisper softly, my words stolen by the breeze soon after,
“It’s being in love with you that I hate…”
It’s then I stand up and slam the door behind me, not looking back even as I break down and head back towards the café.
I don’t hear him get out and call after me. Some part of me is relieved of that. The other sinks my heart into its further broken state.
The café is empty when I return, easily able to locate the scarf I’d forgotten earlier. Our glasses have already been cleared away, the table before me lying empty and bare, ready for the next couple that may come in. Ready to talk about the break-up they wished they’d never had. Perhaps they’d have better luck than me in resolving that.
I hold my scarf to my face, pressing my nose tight into it and letting myself cry against the cotton.
And I stay like that the entire way home, sobbing into the material like a small child in need of a favourite teddy bear.
In need of love and comfort. In a child’s sense, I needed those very much too.
Just a child when it comes to falling in love…
I sense Kouyou’s car still rumbling against the sidewalk as I take the path that will bring me home. Back to an empty apartment and the bed sheets and cushions stained by my tears. I have yet to clean them.
He doesn’t follow me, nor do I look back. For now, all I can do is hope that he can fall in love with me again. After he talks to Aoi of course.
Until he falls in love with me again.
I hate being in love…
*
A/N: Comments are adored as always <3 I'm on my Easter holidays now so I'll have more free time to write ~ expect updates soon ^^
Sorry for my lack of works lately... (^^;)