dream, disturbed
I woke at 5am thick and syrupy, the vivid images of a dream in my eyes. Painful, difficult dream. Might be i can't finish since school begins in 10 minutes....
At grandma's house in rural Idaho, it;s the morning of Thanksgiving. I am suprised and hurt to see my ex boyfriend Mark is there. He isn;t alone, vaguely i know there is another woman, but this isn't important. What stabs me in the heart are the children. Two beautiful babies, and one is mine. Shocked, i sit watching them crawl around. As dreams go, they start running and pulling grandma's blanket off her- she says,
"LEt me sleep, this is the first time in 8 years i haven't been able to sleep the night before thanksgiving" The babies run to the livingroom and become crawling babes again.
The unexpected thing is MArk and the babies are staying in my grandma's one extra bedroom.
I am so upset, and i relate the story to a stranger. I tell the regualr story i've relayed over the last year, about Mark not wanting children until i break up with him....but somehow this story is more intricate. I had his child. He took it away and has custody. My heart is broken..... though another layer shines through quietly. What i do not say is that in reality i had his child, but it died during or right after birth.
What is the truth? I don't know.
I am telling a stranger this story while a mushroom hunt is under way. Someone at front is telling a big group of people how to find wild edible mushrooms, there is a contest and people run in all directions to begin.
I don't get to finish my story, except in my heart and brain.
I run, too- but not for mushrooms. I run towards the place we used to walk when i was a child, behind a big shop and up towards the rainroad tracks where us kids used to walk with grandma.
The big shop has a lot of busy work going on and it looks dangerous to walk through all the big trucks and construction. All i want to do is run. I get stuck in mud and a man helps me. It is refreshing to have help. He jokes about me working there and i ask how much they pay. He says $8 an hour and i tell him i get paid more as a teacher, plus i only make it to grandma's once or twice a year. He jokes with me and
I wake up.
The resonance of this dream is haunting me.
At grandma's house in rural Idaho, it;s the morning of Thanksgiving. I am suprised and hurt to see my ex boyfriend Mark is there. He isn;t alone, vaguely i know there is another woman, but this isn't important. What stabs me in the heart are the children. Two beautiful babies, and one is mine. Shocked, i sit watching them crawl around. As dreams go, they start running and pulling grandma's blanket off her- she says,
"LEt me sleep, this is the first time in 8 years i haven't been able to sleep the night before thanksgiving" The babies run to the livingroom and become crawling babes again.
The unexpected thing is MArk and the babies are staying in my grandma's one extra bedroom.
I am so upset, and i relate the story to a stranger. I tell the regualr story i've relayed over the last year, about Mark not wanting children until i break up with him....but somehow this story is more intricate. I had his child. He took it away and has custody. My heart is broken..... though another layer shines through quietly. What i do not say is that in reality i had his child, but it died during or right after birth.
What is the truth? I don't know.
I am telling a stranger this story while a mushroom hunt is under way. Someone at front is telling a big group of people how to find wild edible mushrooms, there is a contest and people run in all directions to begin.
I don't get to finish my story, except in my heart and brain.
I run, too- but not for mushrooms. I run towards the place we used to walk when i was a child, behind a big shop and up towards the rainroad tracks where us kids used to walk with grandma.
The big shop has a lot of busy work going on and it looks dangerous to walk through all the big trucks and construction. All i want to do is run. I get stuck in mud and a man helps me. It is refreshing to have help. He jokes about me working there and i ask how much they pay. He says $8 an hour and i tell him i get paid more as a teacher, plus i only make it to grandma's once or twice a year. He jokes with me and
I wake up.
The resonance of this dream is haunting me.