messy
I'm not really sure what to do with myself. I've been missing him lately, which has been a mess. I've been a mess in general. Lonely mostly, which makes me wonder if its really him I'm missing or just having someone. No, I'm pretty sure its just him. Its been rough, talking to him, which is ironic. At first when we started talking it was like, my life was normalizing, I was talking to nick, everything was ok again. The thing was, I was nearly over him. I was close at the end of that two months 'Memories of Us" didn't break my heart everytime I heard it, it just kind of fell flat. I could handle talking to him now and then cause it didn't break my heart to do so. I didn't like how little we were talking though. It was really off and on. There was this long streach of like a couple of weeks I didn't hear from him at all and then all of the sudden we've been talking ALOT. Well not like we used to, thats for sure, but a lot more frequently than we have been talking. Herein lies the problem. I love talking to Nick, I love having him to be silly with and to vent at and a million other things....I think my problem is that I dont just love talking to Nick. I saw this comming, I really did. The more we talk the more my world falls apart (and the more I want to talk to him) I emailed him, I called I wanted to talk with him more often, even though I knew that if I spent too much time talking to him there wasn't much I was going to be able to do, I would just go and fall for him again. After all, he's still Nick, same man that I've loved...and love, Lord, what a mess.
Things that aren't helping my mess: school is insane (mainly soc), things aren't great on the guy front (I thought I had a date tonight, buuut I guess not [more ranting on that later I think]) and also that things aren't great on the guy front (lol). I think later will be now: I thought this guy was into me, but *shrugs* things were really different when I saw him this time, it was weird. He was so quiet! Last time we met we talked for a good couple of hours. I haven't a clue. And he'd been talking about us going to dinner and was asking me about good places to go and so I suggested a couple of my faves and he was like "ok sounds good, see ya". ....hey, what just happened there. lol. I think the deal was that it had been a few weeks since we were diggin on eachother and the days kept getting pushed back and our interest kinda waned (increasing reinterest of aforementioned cowboy not helping the matter). This one youngen' has been emailing me. Bullrider =D nice (almost did it...wrote nick instead of nice, I have to think about it) kid says "when he gets out of highschool" we should hang out. And how many years will that be hon? even 18 is pushing it for me anymore (I'm old :P) I'm not arguing with him though, I could use some friends on the circuit to hang out with and shoot. This other guy just emailed me and I'm not sure what to do about him. He seems nice but he looks soooo much like nick (only he's not as cute..shhh) I just don't know if I could do it. :P
well thats my babbling for the moment. I know you all were very interested all...1 person that reads this? and that 1 person is me lol. well I feel better and I kept my reader intertained lol
"and I'll earn your trust
making memories of us"