another day another rant
I'm board so I figured I'd rant for a while, although, I don't really have that much to rant about. The loneliness is just dragging me down today, I think thats mostly my problem.
Spent another day working on the bed for my truck (like I did the last 4 days or so). So much prep work! but I'm almost done. I want to get it all painted up, but I might take the day off tomorrow, although I'm slightly scared to do that because things are about to get very busy. But I haven't worn makeup for the last 4 days, I've been nasty and grimy covered in rust and caked oil grime. It might be nice to get all cuted up and go into town, maybe go find a job (arrrg!).
I read this article today, an excerpt from a book actually. Its about this 30 year old single gal and her unfortunate singles group. “There’s single for a season and there’s single for a reason”. She can point out all of the reasons for everyone else in the group (nappy hair plugs, obnoxiously loud, anal retentive) and is starting to wonder if the “season” she’s stuck in is really a “reason” she isn’t seeing. Dad had printed it out cause he thought it was cute and funny, but it kinda hit home for me. I guess sometimes I just worry that that’s going to be me, that that’s how I’m going to end up. That I’ll be 30 and stuck in the same miserable place I’m in now. I know, I know, 20 is a little old to be feeling like an old maid right?
I think mostly my problem there is my family (yah yah blaming family is the easy way out, but here me on this one). By the time they were my age or about a year older, they were married. All of them. Mom and Dad got married at 20, I'm pretty sure Auntie Lynda was the same, Gramma and Papa were married at 17 and 18 for God sake (ok that was weird even then, but it sure as hell doesn't help), and there are more too. So here I have in my head this stupid standard that I'm supposed to be married or close to it by now. Which is crap. The average age women get married in the US is 25....25.1 if you want to get official. That is normal, not getting married as soon as you hit puberty which is damn near what my family does. But knowing that doesn't seem to help.
God, its even my extended family. Jamie was married when she was 20. Carrie is only a bit older than - ya know what, no Carrie doesn't count. She's getting married because its easier than making a life for yourself. If my 9 to 5 mindset was to find a husband, than I'm sure I'd be engaged too, but I have some of those crazy things...what are they called? oh yah, Goals. I'm not going to become a house pet because reaching them is too scary. I seem so hypocritical to be picking her apart, but its different, it really is. Its not jealousy I can tell you that much.
Ya know what it is? I’m not ready to get married. Its not marriage that I want, but a partner. Someone to be connected to. Someone I can share my life with, everything with. My soul mate. Ok yah, usually people like that get married, but what’s the rush? Whats grating me isn’t that I’m not married, but that I don’t have that partner. That my whole family found theirs early and I’m here having to start all over again. Gramma was only 17 when she married her soul mate. Where’s mine?