God bless aspartame and self discovery
As requested … I shall reconsider.
1. I am disappointed that Richard has given up so quickly on Clarica. It is an amazing opportunity for an individual who is highly dedicated to personal success. I am convinced that he is that person. I wish he’d stop using his 9-5 time to study for his RCMP exam. I still feel this way… although rather unjustly. Richard has been doing exceedingly well at work, but we’ve come to an agreement that I will submit his work under my name. This way ( under our current commission structure ) I can afford to pay him better than the company will, and in exchange for the compensation, I will get the recognition for exceptional performance. He's an incredible sales representative. I wish I could hire him.
2. I am so proud of Richard, for his aspiration to be one of Canada’s elite; I am bursting to tell people everyone. (Which obviously isn’t appropriate till he’s been “officially accepted” and he’s quit Clarica). I’m not sure when, if ever I have felt this proud of someone. I have continual urges to tell people “My bf is a Mounty!” I have been avoiding these feelings. I know it’s completely unavoidable... believe me, I know. I help Richard study almost every day for his entrance exams, but I’m still pretending like this is a hobby - not a career. I’m proud, but confused and saddened all at once.
3. I am confused about my conflicted feelings above. Still am.
4. I keep staring at that picture: And think… hmmm… what if ?? What if, is as close to a marriage consideration as you’re going to get from me. I love the guy to death - but forever is a long time.
5. I am doing my best to swallow my hate and anger towards The Ex, and his Whore. Although I am petrified of seeing them on St. Patty’s. I have genuinely considered calling him, just to find out where NOT to go. Part of me doesn’t want to go anywhere in Hamilton, because I don’t want to ruin my everything by laying my eyes on his cowardly face. Luckily - I had an amazing St Patty’s! Absolutely bursting with Friends, I did not see Mr. Ex and Ms Whore at the bar (thankfully). Rumour is that he’s opening up a new one. Good for them - at least it’s out of Hess, which guarantees that I’ll never see him on a Friday and Saturday night. Yahoo for bar hoping!
6. I want to be supportive of Richard, but part of me thinks that if leaves, he’ll find someone wherever he lands who is more to his liking. Which is why, I thoughtfully tried to start a fight with Richard by telling him that if he *could* find someone more supportive, then he should take up their precious time right now and stop wasting mine. He laughed, and told me to calm down. He then kissed my forehead, and said he loved me. I have been thoughtfully trying to start fights left, right and centre. Luckily for me, my boyfriend is kind, patient and forgiving. (Damn you PMS!). I love him, he loves me - and it’s nice to finally meet a man who will fight to keep you, even when you’re a shithead.
7. Today Richard said that we’re “blue collar” people, and I wanted to hit him. I didn’t speak to him for nearly an hour afterwards, and I’m not sure why I was so offended. I have always admitted that as virtues, hard work means more to me than education. Am I ashamed, that I really am blue collar at heart? My Grandparents were blue collar, so I have always had a strong work ethic. Get up - work hard - play hard - pray harder, and the world will be ok. Rich and I chatted about it, and he’s from the same mindset. When he said BlueCollar he didn’t mean “under-employed, under-educated” as I took it. He meant - Good, hard honest workers who respect a day’s wages.
8. I went for a short run today, and I think that my usual spring time slimming routine is about to begin. It’s time to shed the winter poundage. Down 10 lbs and counting ….
9. I took a typing test yesterday, and I can type 89 words per minute. I am unreasonably proud of this, and haven’t been able to stop myself from telling complete strangers of this new and useless skill. In my own defence, I try to slip it into common conversation, such as: “Gosh isn’t it hot out today?” “Not hot enough to keep me from typing 89 words per minute, that’s for sure!” Yea I’m still pretty proud of this … lol.
10. Sometimes I wonder if Vince still reads my LJ, and if he does is he (a) angered that I am happy with Richard, (b) relieved that I am finally letting him go, or maybe (c) amused that I am going to be little-miss-long-distance for a good while. Well I haven’t even thought of this since I typed it last. So here goes … (a) Who cares. He’s happy with Julia - cheers to him. God knows I am no longer willing/able to make him happy - and everyone needs joy. Good for him for reaching out to get it. (b) *barf* Like I care. (c) Probably. It’s not going to happen as quickly as a I thought … most likely not for another 8 months or so, but we’ll see. It’s likely that I’ll still end up at the end of a phone, asking when I can book the next flight to see my BF.
11. I am completely Twitterpated, and every time I take a deep breath of spring air, I feel more beautiful, in love and able to do anything. I strongly suspect that Winter Air is poisoned with depressive substances. Amen!
12. I am typing away, because I don’t want to go to sleep. I have been having strange Ex-laden dreams lately, and I can’t stand them. Thankfully I haven’t been affected by those so much lately. I have been consciously not thinking about him lately. Although my thoughts have been rather OldEx-Heavy the past few days. My one Ex got engaged over the weekend, while my other was kicked out of his apartment by his GF. Funny how life goes on. Love stops for no man. It’s almost comforting to know that there are people on every cycle of the system, at all times.
13. As a final note ... I have had four "Diet Dr. Pepper: Berries & Vanilla" soda's today. It's 2:21am, and I'm drinking one right now. I should be ashamed... but I've got bigger worries to conquer. (Bigger shames too.) Well … it’s 12:45 and I’m on my second DietPepsi. What can I say!? Old habits die hard. God bless aspartame and self discovery.
...... And now - I feel like I should open the floor to questions! .. Anybody?