Rain, Jammix, and Neotte
It was raining all day today and tonight. Everyone is calling it disgusting, which is the consensus, but today, I feel like it's peaceful, although it's cold and dark. The moon is beautiful, glowing eerily but surprisingly bright, and the clouds shroud it like all the stormy were-wolf moons in movies. This is something of what I feel: very strange, somehow peaceful, but in a cold, empty way. I don't want to do anything. I don't know what I'm doing.
Between of shopping classes, applying/interviewing for internships (in particular, at Intel and Merck), and getting set up at school again (silly errands, books, ID card, etc), I feel like I neglected Maruti. We didn't spend that much time together, mostly because I was always busy. While it's true that all the things I was doing was "necessary," (like, going to class, or class reading), I should have made an effort and sacrificed those for him. Maruti went home this weekend because of a family emergency, and I wasn't there when he needed me this week.
At the same time, there's another image in my mind: of wind, faded sun, and movement. Movement riding down a hill, movement twirling in a ballroom, and wind surrounding all that motion. The sun shines brightly, but with a strict, cool white light. There's something new and alive about this quarter, and so much I want to do. Others have New Year's Resolutions. I have quarter resolutions: don't take on too much, even if you could handle it. Instead, really learn from your classes, and enjoy it. Take time to appreciate the people around you. Take time to meet more people. Take time to act on things you've wanted to do but keep putting off. Take time to live.
There is still a part of myself that feels like a slacker, because I decided not to take Music22 and to take only 15 units this quarter. I'm excited about those 15 units though: PWR (E-Rhetoric), a senior/grad level polymers class, CME (prob and stats), and a class on Chinese poetry (yes, a GER - I'm interested nonetheless, but I couldn't self-justify it without a GER). I'm very excited about all those classes though, and I hope I can be more involved this quarter in my learning: I felt that last quarter was just studying for tests, and tests. I passed, but didn't learn. Having a full, un-broken quarter could also make the difference.
I wanted to be more sociable this quarter, and I'm proud that I've been doing a good job of it. I met a couple guys in CME (one of them who 'looked' at me trying to bite open my banana, and suggest that I have the stuffed monkey open it =P), and several dancing. I've seen the J-Ro group at lunch at Olives, hung out more with my draw group, and even *gasp* went to Mirrelees today.
I couldn't help but think: Mr. "Have your monkey open the banana" probably wouldn't have talked to me if Maruti had been there. Is it wrong to feel a sense of freedom at being alone and by yourself for once? I love spending time with Maruti, but there was a part of me that welcomed the change, that welcomed being myself again. Two people should be just that: separate people. I do think Maruti and I have fused to an unhealthy extent, and I think its good that we only have one class together this quarter. Unfortunately, Maruti thinks otherwise.
But, while I was feeling down and empty, and felt like, "what do I have to do now?" without Maruti here, it was nice to do what I wanted without checking with somebody else. Friday night, Alina, Priyanka, Shivan, Priyanka, Dominique and I went to Jammix, which was, as usual, uplifting and a lot of fun. Is it wrong for me to enjoy myself at such a time? I've missed social dance a lot, and somehow Jammix during fall quarter seems very toned down for me, and yes, part of it was that I danced with Maruti so much. The beauty of Jammix is dancing with strangers, or people you don't know well, and connecting through something more universal. This Friday, I made an effort to do that, which is something my draw group has done less and less. I decided to take Social 3 instead of Music22 this quarter, partially because Mr. Powers singled me out in class and said, "We can't have a dance class without Cheri.".. it was awkward, and now people I dance with say, "Oh, you're Cheri" when I introduce myself. Suddenly, I feel involved in dance again, and that addictive feeling of flying during a waltz returned with a vengeance.
Friday night, I also met with Yung-yee and Kerry Lee about Stanford Chinese Dance. We're planning to do a ribbon dance this year at UCAA's Culture Shock, and if that goes well, we hope to formally register as a Stanford student group next year. Being involved in dance has become very exciting - but it disturbs me that I havn't practiced piano since I've arrived.
So there's it is. Is it wrong to still enjoy myself without Maruti? Is it wrong for me to actually enjoy, in some way, his absence? I miss him a lot, and people know that I spent most of Thursday and Friday kind of down: low energy, tired, and staring into nowhere. I certainly would not want to be away from him forever, I don't think he's a burden, and I would rather he tell me things than not, but I have felt weighed down by things in his life for a long time, and I am generally a happy person. I want to help when somebody needs me, but I fear dependence, which I think follows soon after. When I become a necessity, when I have no choice but duty, even something I would have chosen anyway becomes less appealing.
Between of shopping classes, applying/interviewing for internships (in particular, at Intel and Merck), and getting set up at school again (silly errands, books, ID card, etc), I feel like I neglected Maruti. We didn't spend that much time together, mostly because I was always busy. While it's true that all the things I was doing was "necessary," (like, going to class, or class reading), I should have made an effort and sacrificed those for him. Maruti went home this weekend because of a family emergency, and I wasn't there when he needed me this week.
At the same time, there's another image in my mind: of wind, faded sun, and movement. Movement riding down a hill, movement twirling in a ballroom, and wind surrounding all that motion. The sun shines brightly, but with a strict, cool white light. There's something new and alive about this quarter, and so much I want to do. Others have New Year's Resolutions. I have quarter resolutions: don't take on too much, even if you could handle it. Instead, really learn from your classes, and enjoy it. Take time to appreciate the people around you. Take time to meet more people. Take time to act on things you've wanted to do but keep putting off. Take time to live.
There is still a part of myself that feels like a slacker, because I decided not to take Music22 and to take only 15 units this quarter. I'm excited about those 15 units though: PWR (E-Rhetoric), a senior/grad level polymers class, CME (prob and stats), and a class on Chinese poetry (yes, a GER - I'm interested nonetheless, but I couldn't self-justify it without a GER). I'm very excited about all those classes though, and I hope I can be more involved this quarter in my learning: I felt that last quarter was just studying for tests, and tests. I passed, but didn't learn. Having a full, un-broken quarter could also make the difference.
I wanted to be more sociable this quarter, and I'm proud that I've been doing a good job of it. I met a couple guys in CME (one of them who 'looked' at me trying to bite open my banana, and suggest that I have the stuffed monkey open it =P), and several dancing. I've seen the J-Ro group at lunch at Olives, hung out more with my draw group, and even *gasp* went to Mirrelees today.
I couldn't help but think: Mr. "Have your monkey open the banana" probably wouldn't have talked to me if Maruti had been there. Is it wrong to feel a sense of freedom at being alone and by yourself for once? I love spending time with Maruti, but there was a part of me that welcomed the change, that welcomed being myself again. Two people should be just that: separate people. I do think Maruti and I have fused to an unhealthy extent, and I think its good that we only have one class together this quarter. Unfortunately, Maruti thinks otherwise.
But, while I was feeling down and empty, and felt like, "what do I have to do now?" without Maruti here, it was nice to do what I wanted without checking with somebody else. Friday night, Alina, Priyanka, Shivan, Priyanka, Dominique and I went to Jammix, which was, as usual, uplifting and a lot of fun. Is it wrong for me to enjoy myself at such a time? I've missed social dance a lot, and somehow Jammix during fall quarter seems very toned down for me, and yes, part of it was that I danced with Maruti so much. The beauty of Jammix is dancing with strangers, or people you don't know well, and connecting through something more universal. This Friday, I made an effort to do that, which is something my draw group has done less and less. I decided to take Social 3 instead of Music22 this quarter, partially because Mr. Powers singled me out in class and said, "We can't have a dance class without Cheri.".. it was awkward, and now people I dance with say, "Oh, you're Cheri" when I introduce myself. Suddenly, I feel involved in dance again, and that addictive feeling of flying during a waltz returned with a vengeance.
Friday night, I also met with Yung-yee and Kerry Lee about Stanford Chinese Dance. We're planning to do a ribbon dance this year at UCAA's Culture Shock, and if that goes well, we hope to formally register as a Stanford student group next year. Being involved in dance has become very exciting - but it disturbs me that I havn't practiced piano since I've arrived.
So there's it is. Is it wrong to still enjoy myself without Maruti? Is it wrong for me to actually enjoy, in some way, his absence? I miss him a lot, and people know that I spent most of Thursday and Friday kind of down: low energy, tired, and staring into nowhere. I certainly would not want to be away from him forever, I don't think he's a burden, and I would rather he tell me things than not, but I have felt weighed down by things in his life for a long time, and I am generally a happy person. I want to help when somebody needs me, but I fear dependence, which I think follows soon after. When I become a necessity, when I have no choice but duty, even something I would have chosen anyway becomes less appealing.