The 1/5 Compromise
I have this innate desire to help people. I keep a lot of aqaintences because I think I can be of some service to them that my advice or action will improve them in some way. This is problematic for many reasons. I can't actually help anyone and through these therapy sessions I arguably just make things worse. I have, in the recent past, taken advantage of people when they are vulnerable and I'm not proud of it. Also, it is not possible to have an equal relatioship with someone where you play the role of doctor and they play the role of patient.
I want to see the good in everyone and I want to be a positive force in the lives of everyone I know, but I need to realize that maybe the best way to do that is to stay out. I think I should shift my focus on insted being a positive force in the lives of a select group of close friends and family.
I've been thinking of doing a domestic exchange. It still terrifies me to travel but honestly, fuck it, I have nothing to lose and so much to gain. In order for me to really find myself, if one can do such a thing, I think I need to see things more objectively and displace myself from these familiar surroundings. I want to go to Alaska. Anchorage I think.
Alaska has always been attractive to me. I can't explain why exactly other than some notion of affinity with the landscape and the feeling that cold climates are somehow more honest. I realize this is overtly simplistic but I'm not capable of expanding on it right now.
I feel like I'm less eloquent than I used to be. Inert. It's as though I can never say exactly what I want to. Language is inherently flawed in this way, there is a certain point where you simply can't dig any deeper, but it feels like I'm digging with spoon rather than spade. I want to write a book. The words swirl around in me but I sit in front of blank screens or stare down at off-white pages and simply can't spit it out. Soon enough.
I want to see the good in everyone and I want to be a positive force in the lives of everyone I know, but I need to realize that maybe the best way to do that is to stay out. I think I should shift my focus on insted being a positive force in the lives of a select group of close friends and family.
I've been thinking of doing a domestic exchange. It still terrifies me to travel but honestly, fuck it, I have nothing to lose and so much to gain. In order for me to really find myself, if one can do such a thing, I think I need to see things more objectively and displace myself from these familiar surroundings. I want to go to Alaska. Anchorage I think.
Alaska has always been attractive to me. I can't explain why exactly other than some notion of affinity with the landscape and the feeling that cold climates are somehow more honest. I realize this is overtly simplistic but I'm not capable of expanding on it right now.
I feel like I'm less eloquent than I used to be. Inert. It's as though I can never say exactly what I want to. Language is inherently flawed in this way, there is a certain point where you simply can't dig any deeper, but it feels like I'm digging with spoon rather than spade. I want to write a book. The words swirl around in me but I sit in front of blank screens or stare down at off-white pages and simply can't spit it out. Soon enough.