BDSM & Consent
BDSM, kink, and D/s have exploded into the public forum in a huge way. There is now a Broadway-grade spotlight shining into a community which has by-and-large lived in a broom cupboard all it's life. And its struggling to relate itself to the rest of the world, stumbling to be understood.
I'm highly active in my local kink community. I teach workshops, mentor, host a few events when my health allows, and am working on an original series about D/s relationships. By no means am I an expert by trade. Ten years in, I have experience and opinions which I share to those who would listen and discuss. By talking about these things we often keep to ourselves, I hope to improve our relationships and elevate our happiness as people. Oh and yeah, there'll be some freaky sex in there. But at the end of the day we do it because it feels good. Our actions delight us and the ones we love.
In the kink community there have been recent incidents involving consent--specifically breaches of consent.
Why do we harp on consent? Because it's the only thing we have that separates us from assault. Without consent, we're committing violent crimes (depending on where you live).
With consent, we're engaging in a form of affection. Recently I've been using the example of sparring in martial arts. If you strapped on gloves and tried to punch people on the street, that's assault--you don't have their permission to hit them. But as soon as both parties agree to spar, when they strap on those gloves and start hitting each other it becomes okay; they've agreed to it, they're testing their skills and spending pleasurable time together engaged in their hobby. And the "violence" they visit upon one another's bodies, devoid of malice, becomes an alternative form of affection.
Consent of both parties and the intent behind our actions are our only shields against the moral wreckage of thinking we're rapists and violent criminals for desiring the things we do.
In the community we've had some strong breaches of consent, namely in situations where scenes were not fully negotiated, or tops/doms acted on their preferences while the bottom was not in a state to refuse (out of breath, gagged, language barrier, drunk/high/endorphine rush, et al). This is really fucking scary, people. Violating someone's consent--even if you're doing an act they enjoy and have agreed to in the past--takes away our ethical protection, making us violent criminals. "No means no" isn't enough. We should be striving for an enthusiastic yes, every time. Without consent, we're nothing.
Which is why I've been increasingly hesitant about the upcoming chapter of the epic!flailing!fucking!fail that is dh_conscience. For months I've oscilated on including a scene which wasn't in the original outline. It's not necessary to the plot of Conscience, but would tie into sequels I may write one day. I hesitate because the climax of this scene involves a consent violation. Of all the triggers and skeevy shit I deal with, I have to flinch, I have to screw up my face and ask myself if this is the appropriate time, manner and medium to engage on this topic. In no way do I wish to glamorize (or for fuck's sake fetishize) violation of consent. Breaching consent belongs in the same realm as rape, torture, and dismemberment. It ain't sexy. End of story.
But. As an artist, a rhetorician, a proponent of didactic fiction, and above all a teller of stories, I understand this is something which happens between these characters. I can choose to leave it "off-camera" and address it in the later sequels when the time comes. Or I can show it. I can go there, because the characters go there, and it explains some of the head-space and future actions taken as the story draws to it's end.
[Conscience Spoiler (click to open)]In this case, it's Harry who breaks Draco's consent. He gets a "no" from Draco, a request not to perform a particular act. And because Harry wants to--because he has grown into a dangerous alpha-male entitlement--he breaches Draco's consent and does as he likes. All the while Draco is swearing and pleading for him not to, voicing fears, warning of the consequences, trying to get away and failing, It's something they've done several times before, but in this time and situation Draco doesn't want to. Harry ignores him. Because of his experiences in war and the "immortal soldier" mentality Harry has developed to shield himself from the suffering of others, he is able to ignore Draco's clearly revoked consent. Draco says no, unequivocally. And Harry does it anyway.
It's especially icky as Harry is intmately aware that Draco has been raped before. Repeatedly. He knows every detail of how Draco was taken advantage of, manipulated and used throughout his teenage years. This trauma is still incredibly fresh, having ended just six months ago. Harry has seen it all through Legillimens in Draco's mind, making it in my opinion an even greater violation of trust. He knows what autonomy means to Draco. He knows how much it means to have the power to say "no." And he takes that power away from Draco.
Harry thinks he's doing something good. He thinks that breaking this barrier will help Draco heal from his past and move more deeply into their new marriage. Whether that's the right mentality... well, I don't approve of Harry's actions. But as a character, this is what he does. These are the boundaries he breaks. This is the head-space he inhabits.
I have to ask myself, as authentic as it is... am I going to show it?
Sapiophile, out.
Trey
I'm highly active in my local kink community. I teach workshops, mentor, host a few events when my health allows, and am working on an original series about D/s relationships. By no means am I an expert by trade. Ten years in, I have experience and opinions which I share to those who would listen and discuss. By talking about these things we often keep to ourselves, I hope to improve our relationships and elevate our happiness as people. Oh and yeah, there'll be some freaky sex in there. But at the end of the day we do it because it feels good. Our actions delight us and the ones we love.
In the kink community there have been recent incidents involving consent--specifically breaches of consent.
Why do we harp on consent? Because it's the only thing we have that separates us from assault. Without consent, we're committing violent crimes (depending on where you live).
With consent, we're engaging in a form of affection. Recently I've been using the example of sparring in martial arts. If you strapped on gloves and tried to punch people on the street, that's assault--you don't have their permission to hit them. But as soon as both parties agree to spar, when they strap on those gloves and start hitting each other it becomes okay; they've agreed to it, they're testing their skills and spending pleasurable time together engaged in their hobby. And the "violence" they visit upon one another's bodies, devoid of malice, becomes an alternative form of affection.
Consent of both parties and the intent behind our actions are our only shields against the moral wreckage of thinking we're rapists and violent criminals for desiring the things we do.
In the community we've had some strong breaches of consent, namely in situations where scenes were not fully negotiated, or tops/doms acted on their preferences while the bottom was not in a state to refuse (out of breath, gagged, language barrier, drunk/high/endorphine rush, et al). This is really fucking scary, people. Violating someone's consent--even if you're doing an act they enjoy and have agreed to in the past--takes away our ethical protection, making us violent criminals. "No means no" isn't enough. We should be striving for an enthusiastic yes, every time. Without consent, we're nothing.
Which is why I've been increasingly hesitant about the upcoming chapter of the epic!flailing!fucking!fail that is dh_conscience. For months I've oscilated on including a scene which wasn't in the original outline. It's not necessary to the plot of Conscience, but would tie into sequels I may write one day. I hesitate because the climax of this scene involves a consent violation. Of all the triggers and skeevy shit I deal with, I have to flinch, I have to screw up my face and ask myself if this is the appropriate time, manner and medium to engage on this topic. In no way do I wish to glamorize (or for fuck's sake fetishize) violation of consent. Breaching consent belongs in the same realm as rape, torture, and dismemberment. It ain't sexy. End of story.
But. As an artist, a rhetorician, a proponent of didactic fiction, and above all a teller of stories, I understand this is something which happens between these characters. I can choose to leave it "off-camera" and address it in the later sequels when the time comes. Or I can show it. I can go there, because the characters go there, and it explains some of the head-space and future actions taken as the story draws to it's end.
[Conscience Spoiler (click to open)]In this case, it's Harry who breaks Draco's consent. He gets a "no" from Draco, a request not to perform a particular act. And because Harry wants to--because he has grown into a dangerous alpha-male entitlement--he breaches Draco's consent and does as he likes. All the while Draco is swearing and pleading for him not to, voicing fears, warning of the consequences, trying to get away and failing, It's something they've done several times before, but in this time and situation Draco doesn't want to. Harry ignores him. Because of his experiences in war and the "immortal soldier" mentality Harry has developed to shield himself from the suffering of others, he is able to ignore Draco's clearly revoked consent. Draco says no, unequivocally. And Harry does it anyway.
It's especially icky as Harry is intmately aware that Draco has been raped before. Repeatedly. He knows every detail of how Draco was taken advantage of, manipulated and used throughout his teenage years. This trauma is still incredibly fresh, having ended just six months ago. Harry has seen it all through Legillimens in Draco's mind, making it in my opinion an even greater violation of trust. He knows what autonomy means to Draco. He knows how much it means to have the power to say "no." And he takes that power away from Draco.
Harry thinks he's doing something good. He thinks that breaking this barrier will help Draco heal from his past and move more deeply into their new marriage. Whether that's the right mentality... well, I don't approve of Harry's actions. But as a character, this is what he does. These are the boundaries he breaks. This is the head-space he inhabits.
I have to ask myself, as authentic as it is... am I going to show it?
Sapiophile, out.
Trey