LJ Idol Season 11: “My enemies are all too familiar. They're the ones who used to call me friend “
I am the enemy who was once called friend.
A few months ago, my friend R. made a rather ignorant transphobic comment in an official group activity that could have been taken badly and labeled as bullying.
In said group, bullying is grounds for sanctions.
I wasn't present for the activity or the conversation in which the comment was made but got drug into it anyway because I was really good friends with R., and in an effort to clear some seriously muddy waters and keep him out of trouble, I was asked to intervene.
Let me also state that sometimes I lead with my heart and not my head, and that makes me an idiot.
The fact that I wasn't present during the situation should have had me bowing out, but R. was my friend and I didn't want his ignorance to get him into trouble. My heart took over and I got involved in something that was none of my business.
I agonized for days over what to do. I even discussed it in therapy.
In my heart of hearts, I didn't think that R. would listen when I would tell him he was in the wrong, and to make amends. He doesn't always think before he speaks, and while he is kindhearted to a fault, he doesn't see how his words cause hurt or offense.
I finally, with reservations in my heart, went to someone for advice.
T. was someone I respected a very great deal, and who I knew would give me solid advice, and who R. respected and would listen to. I poured out the story I had been told, I laid out my fears. T. agreed that R. needed to be made aware of his transgressions and since she was someone who I knew he would listen to, she said she would speak with him.
What a tangled fucking mess, eh?
Well, R. got talked to. He met with the person who he had originally made the statement to, and they worked out a semi-uneasy truce (there is no way R. will ever condone that lifestyle choice, but he's more aware of how his words affected J.). No sanctions, no lasting troubles...
And that's when I became the enemy.
R.'s wife, M., is angry with me. R. was hurt and angry with me. They feel I should have come straight to them. By taking this elsewhere, I violated a bond of friendship that was so close we called each other brother and sister.
This past weekend R. finally confronted me about it. One of the hardest conversations of my life. I hadn't been 100% at peace with my decision to involve T., but at the time I needed someone I **KNEW** R. would listen to and take seriously. And hindsight being what it is, I know I made the wrong decision.
He told me this weekend how much I had hurt him by not feeling comfortable enough to come to him personally. And, because this is also how he works, he forgave me. But, because of the situation, he removed himself from an intimate group of friends that he had been a part of for years.
The guilt is crushing, let me tell you. I am one of those people who tries to keep the peace and make everyone happy. And my intentions were good. My decisions and handling were flawed. And knowing that I made the wrong decision and hurt two extremely good friends is killing me.
They say time heals all wounds. And maybe, with time, I can rebuild some of that trust I broke and R. and M. will once again call me friend. But I doubt I will ever be placed on that level of familial trust.
And that stabs me in the soul.
A few months ago, my friend R. made a rather ignorant transphobic comment in an official group activity that could have been taken badly and labeled as bullying.
In said group, bullying is grounds for sanctions.
I wasn't present for the activity or the conversation in which the comment was made but got drug into it anyway because I was really good friends with R., and in an effort to clear some seriously muddy waters and keep him out of trouble, I was asked to intervene.
Let me also state that sometimes I lead with my heart and not my head, and that makes me an idiot.
The fact that I wasn't present during the situation should have had me bowing out, but R. was my friend and I didn't want his ignorance to get him into trouble. My heart took over and I got involved in something that was none of my business.
I agonized for days over what to do. I even discussed it in therapy.
In my heart of hearts, I didn't think that R. would listen when I would tell him he was in the wrong, and to make amends. He doesn't always think before he speaks, and while he is kindhearted to a fault, he doesn't see how his words cause hurt or offense.
I finally, with reservations in my heart, went to someone for advice.
T. was someone I respected a very great deal, and who I knew would give me solid advice, and who R. respected and would listen to. I poured out the story I had been told, I laid out my fears. T. agreed that R. needed to be made aware of his transgressions and since she was someone who I knew he would listen to, she said she would speak with him.
What a tangled fucking mess, eh?
Well, R. got talked to. He met with the person who he had originally made the statement to, and they worked out a semi-uneasy truce (there is no way R. will ever condone that lifestyle choice, but he's more aware of how his words affected J.). No sanctions, no lasting troubles...
And that's when I became the enemy.
R.'s wife, M., is angry with me. R. was hurt and angry with me. They feel I should have come straight to them. By taking this elsewhere, I violated a bond of friendship that was so close we called each other brother and sister.
This past weekend R. finally confronted me about it. One of the hardest conversations of my life. I hadn't been 100% at peace with my decision to involve T., but at the time I needed someone I **KNEW** R. would listen to and take seriously. And hindsight being what it is, I know I made the wrong decision.
He told me this weekend how much I had hurt him by not feeling comfortable enough to come to him personally. And, because this is also how he works, he forgave me. But, because of the situation, he removed himself from an intimate group of friends that he had been a part of for years.
The guilt is crushing, let me tell you. I am one of those people who tries to keep the peace and make everyone happy. And my intentions were good. My decisions and handling were flawed. And knowing that I made the wrong decision and hurt two extremely good friends is killing me.
They say time heals all wounds. And maybe, with time, I can rebuild some of that trust I broke and R. and M. will once again call me friend. But I doubt I will ever be placed on that level of familial trust.
And that stabs me in the soul.