LJ Idol, Topic 1: I need the struggle to feel alive.
When this topic came up, my initial reaction was to write about my depression and anxiety disorder. When I discussed this on my Book of Faces, a friend said, "This prompt is leading me in dark directions". I agreed. Because my knee jerk reaction was to describe how my mental state affects me daily.
However I got to thinking.....what would my life be WITHOUT that struggle? Do I *NEED* that struggle to feel alive?
I tell my therapist that I've got 3 parts of me, inside my head. Me, Myself, and I. Not because I've been diagnosed with MPD, but they are just my internal selves.
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*Myself* said, "No! Who needs the daily struggle to fight anxiety, just to get out of bed, to feel alive? And depression....isn't that the exact opposite of feeling *alive*?"
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*Me* said, "But it's such an intrinsic part of who you are. For example....yesterday (the 17th) you had a massive panic attack, had to leave work, and spent the rest of the day zoned out on the couch from taking your PRN anxiety medications. Wouldn't the daily struggle to just *function* be something you needed to feel alive?"
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Then *I* said, "You two are nuts. Let's go to Dairy Queen."
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Sometimes *I* have very good ideas.
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I *DON'T* need the struggle of Major Depressive Disorder and Severe Anxiety Disorder to feel alive. I would LOVE to know what it's like to not have these things affecting me.
However, as I said, I started this post on Thursday the 17th. I was at work, it was one of 2 scheduled double shift days, and I started having that old Fight or Flight feeling. I took part of a PRN medication for anxiety.....but the feeling kept growing. So, I made some sort of excuse as to why I was suddenly sick, and clocked out early.
I missed my afternoon shift. I missed Friday. I missed Saturday. I have basically spent the past 2.5 days in a maintaining state of panic and depression. I have not been alive for 2.5 days.
I *HAVE* to go in tomorrow, and Monday I may have to talk with HR about the extended time off.
I don't NEED this struggle to feel alive.
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But the topic is: I need the struggle to feel alive.
So....what is the struggle I need to feel alive??
I need the struggle of HOPE that someday it won't be as bad. To someday know what it's like not to have doubts about how my friends *really* feel about me. To not have doubts that I am a perfectly likeable person and people enjoy my company. To be brave enough to reach out to make new friends.
I need the struggle of PEACE of a mind without racing thoughts. To someday be able to enjoy a day at the park, just feeling the breeze, enjoying the woods, and not mentally preparing for an unknown Doomsday that may or may not happen tomorrow.
I need the struggle of POWER of being able to allow myself to be who I am, anxiety, depression and all. To be able to acknowledge that sometimes I'm just not going to be able to be anything else but me. As I am, in totality. Acknowledge, accept, and allow.
I need the struggle of LOVE for myself to reach out and admit that sometimes I need help. To stop doubting that I am WORTHY of reaching out for help. To stop doubting that my issues "aren't as bad as someone else's" and that I have value as well.
I need the struggle of CLARITY, to see the brave person my friends see. To someday feel the strength they seem to think I have. To be able to take off the mask of "fine" that I frequently wear...just to *pass* as normal.
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I don't have any of those things today. My spoons runneth low. Despite having spent the past couple of days asleep....I am contemplating a nap.
Today I am a defeatist.
