Capricornucopia 2012: Goatpocalypse Now!
So! In keeping with tradition, this year the usual suspects again hosted a joint birthday party in a rented auditorium, and got our poor invitees to act out plays that we had written specifically for the occasion.
Since this year supposedly represents the end of a cycle of the Mayan calendar, and has been interpreted as marking The End Of The World, we couldn't help but choose that as our theme. So each of us wrote a play in which the world ends in a different fashion:
So, without further ado, I present my own modest contribution to our annual festival of monumental silliness:
Planet of the Goats
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
DR CARVER, a biological research scientist
BATISSE, a billy goat
MEHRY, a nanny goat
MR JACOBS, owner of the company
DR MASHER, another biological research scientist
WESLEY, her precocious son
SECURITY GUARD
CHARLTON HESTON
KEVIN COSTNER
GIANT GOAT
(Enter Doctor CARVER)
CARVER:
Ah! Another bright new day of reckless biological testing
here at Pending Disaster Labs Incorporated.
(Enter BATISSE and MEHRY)
And here are my two favourite test subjects!
Who’s a good goat? WHO’S A GOOD GOAT?
(to BATISSE) Why, YOU are! Yes you are, Batisse...
(to Mehry) And so are YOU, Mehry! There’s a good girl...
MEHRY:
John, for the last time: will you PLEASE quit it with the baby talk?
BATISSE:
Seriously! We’ve already established that your secret experiment was a success.
You know that we each have IQs well over 200. You tested us yourself!
CARVER:
Shhh! Not so loud! (looks around)
OK, look: I know that you both have genius-level IQs.
But that’s the problem! If other humans find out, they’ll have you KILLED!
BATISSE:
(shocked)
Have us killed! But... why?
CARVER:
Because they’ll be scared of you!
MEHRY:
But why would anyone be scared of us? We haven’t done anything wrong!
Aside from nibbling on some of your research papers, I mean.
And that shouldn’t count - two of your chemical formulas were incorrect anyway.
CARVER:
Oh, poor Mehry. Poor Batisse. You two may be astonishingly intelligent,
but I’m afraid that you are mere innocents, and do not understand
the treacherous nature and unbalanced paranoia of... (dramatically) MAN.
BATISSE:
Treacherous nature and unbalanced paranoia of (dramatically) MAN?
What do those have to do with us?
CARVER:
(cheerfully)
Well, y’see, the intelligence that my experiments have given you is extraordinary!
In fact, compared to you, the average human is a total idiot!
MEHRY:
Really? Going by you I would never have guessed.
CARVER:
And don’t forget that I’ve genetically engineered you both to have superior
speed, strength, and extra-tough teeth, hooves, horns, and stomachs.
By any measure, you’re both superior to humans in every way.
In fact, if you were somehow to escape this lab,
there’s every chance that you could someday take over the entire Earth!
BATISSE:
(thoughtfully)
We could take over the entire Earth?
CARVER:
Oh yes. The more I think about it, the more I see that it would be inevitable!
And then you’d be able to eat whatever you wanted, and found a new race of super-goats.
If you could get out of this lab, that is.
MEHRY:
We could eat whatever we want? And procreate?
CARVER:
Sure, if you took over the Earth. But of course humans like me would kill you first.
You’re lucky they don’t even know you exist.
You see, I wasn’t supposed to give you superhuman intelligence and strength -
I was supposed to be using you to test an appetite suppressant.
But it was such a great opportunity to test my theories, that I couldn’t help myself!
BATISSE:
Wait: back up. Other humans would see us as a terrible threat, and would have us killed out of hand?
CARVER:
In exceptionally painful ways, yes.
And I’m afraid the secret is almost sure to get out sooner or later.
MEHRY:
So if we stay, we’re doomed. But if we leave, we could become the dominant species of this planet?
CARVER:
Oh, yes. Did I mention that on top of everything else,
you carry a virus that makes your bite 99% fatal to humans?
So you see, you’re a terrible threat. You have to stay here and pretend to be regular, stupid animals.
Sure, it’s incredibly degrading. And you’re probably going to be found out eventually anyway.
But what alternative do you have?
Escape, and spread a plague that kills almost all human beings on Earth? (laughs)
BATISSE:
Thanks for the suggestion! Er, I mean, WARNING.
Thanks for the warning.
CARVER:
Hush! Here comes Mr Jacobs, my boss! He’s giving a tour. Quick, act goaty!
BATISSE:
Baaaah.
MEHRY:
Meeeh.
(Enter JACOBS, MASHER, and WESLEY)
JACOBS:
Doctor Masher, I’m so glad you’ve decided to join our little enterprise here at Pending Disaster Labs.
MASHER:
Thank you, Mister Jacobs. It just seems like a natural step to take,
now that I’ve completed my work at the Imminent Catastrophe Consortium.
JACOBS:
Well, I’m grateful you chose us.
MASHER:
It’s kind of you to say so. But really, where else would I go?
The Forthcoming Apocalypse Foundation?
(both laugh)
JACOBS:
(shaking his head) Ah, Forthcoming Apocalypse.
Anyway, I’m glad that you’re here. (looking at WESLEY) And who is this young man?
MASHER:
Oh, I’m sorry! Mr Jacobs, the handsome young man in the knit sweater is my son, Wesley.
I hope you don’t mind that I brought him- he’s interested in science, and very advanced for his age.
WESLEY:
(cheerfully)
I’m charmingly precocious!
JACOBS:
Ha, ha, of course you are! Little git. Well, shall we continue on our tour?
I should introduce you to your new coworkers. I’d like you to meet...
MASHER:
Gasp! Doctor John Carver!
CARVER:
Gasp! Doctor Hildegard Masher!
JACOBS:
I take it you know each other already?
MASHER:
What? Oh, no, no. (nervous laugh)
CARVER:
Er... no, no. (nervous laugh)
MASHER:
I mean, hah, what a silly idea! Pffft - it’s not as though we could have met at a conference,
fallen desperately in love, and had a torrid affair that we broke off
for tragic but unspecified reasons exactly fifteen years and nine months ago.
WESLEY:
(cheerfully)
Today is my birthday!
CARVER:
Gasp! A fifteen year old boy!
WESLEY:
Why, that’s right, Mr Doctor who my Mom doesn’t know!
That’s my age exactly. How did you guess? Are you precocious too?
CARVER:
Er... excuse me, I have to feed the goats.
JACOBS:
Yes, yes, the goats! Doctor Carver here has been using goats to test our new appetite suppressant.
We figure that if it works on them, it’ll work on anyone. Goats will eat anything, you know.
(JACOBS kicks BATISSE)
BATISSE:
Hey!
(CARVER clears his throat)
I mean... Baaaaaaaah!
MASHER:
Mr Jacobs! Was that necessary? It seems rather cruel.
JACOBS:
No, it wasn’t, and yes, I am. You see, I’m a very bitter man.
I think it’s because I never knew my father.
WESLEY:
(pensively)
Gee. I never knew my father, either.
(CARVER has a coughing fit)
Doctor Carver, are you alright?
CARVER:
(waving him off)
I’m fine, fine...
WESLEY:
Well, if you say so. But you look kind of uncomfortable whenever I say anything.
Are you not used to being around children?
CARVER:
Oh, no, that’s not it. After all - heh - Batisse and Mehry here are like my own kids!
(JACOBS and MASHER quietly groan)
Get it? Kids? Because they’re young goats?
(painful silence)
Oh, come on. It wasn’t that bad, was it?
BATISSE:
Bah.
MEHRY:
Meh.
JACOBS:
Carver, now that your career as a standup comedian has collapsed into a flaming ruin,
will you please just send those goats to the feeding room?
Hmmm... "Flaming Ruin". That could be a good name for my next company...
CARVER:
Er, yes sir. Off you go, guys! Shoo!
BATISSE:
Baaaaah.
MEHRY:
Meeeeeh.
(Exit BATISSE and MEHRY)
MASHER:
So... Doctor... Carver, was it? So nice to see you again after all these years for the very first time.
Why don’t you take a minute to get acquainted with your newly discovered... Wesley.
He wants to be a scientist too, you know.
WESLEY:
I’m like Mozart when it comes to quantum physics and equations!
JACOBS:
Where’s an airlock when you need one?
MASHER:
(looking offstage)
Mr Jacobs, I hate to interrupt your veiled threats against my offspring;
but it looks like there’s a security guard running this way.
JACOBS:
I think you’re right. Why, that’s Marjorie McRedshirt, our security specialist.
I wonder what she wants?
(GUARD enters)
GUARD:
(panting)
Mr Jacobs! Mr Jacobs! We have a code red!
JACOBS:
WHAT?!??? You mean the test subjects have escaped?
GUARD:
And one of them bit me!
JACOBS:
It bit you?
CARVER:
Oh, crap.
GUARD:
And it spoke!
JACOBS:
It spoke?
CARVER:
Oh, crap.
GUARD:
Yes! Right after he bit me, the little bastard.
He spoke to me, as clearly as I’m speaking to you now.
He said that the reign of man was at an end.
Boss, I think those goats may be out to get us!
Oh... I don’t feel so good....
ACK! URGH! BLAH!
(GUARD dies. At some point she unobtrusively leaves the stage)
CARVER:
Everyone, stand back! She may be contagious.
JACOBS:
CARVER. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.
CARVER:
Ah... funny story, that.
I’m afraid that I may have gone beyond the parameters of the experiment.
Just a smidgen. (nervous laugh)
JACOBS:
Carver, you blithering idiot!
How could you do something so completely reckless and irresponsible?
Fortunately for all of us, I’m a suspicious son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t trust anyone further than I can throw them,
so I assumed that you were up to something, and prepared accordingly.
I’ve hired someone who may be able to clean up this mess. I’ll page him now.
(JACOBS presses a button on his cell phone. Or something)
CARVER:
I hate to be a downer, sir, but those goats are invincible.
Who could you possibly get who can actually vince them?
Did you hire Chuck Norris or something?
JACOBS:
No, he was too busy advertising World of Warcraft.
But don’t worry, I was still able to find someone who should be able to handle it.
Ah, here he comes now!
(Enter HESTON)
HESTON:
(overacting dramatically)
From my COLD... DEAD... HANDS!
WESLEY:
Is it... is it Captain Kirk?
JACOBS:
No, it’s Charlton Heston. He’s better than Captain Kirk. Well, sort of.
MASHER:
But that can’t be true! Isn’t Charlton Heston dead?
JACOBS:
Shhhh! He’ll hear you.
MASHER:
But...
JACOBS:
Let’s just say that I’m a very rich man.
HESTON:
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns!
JACOBS:
Yes, yes, that’s right! Good Charlton Heston!
(to the others)
Quick - we need to point him in the right direction. Carver, where will those goats go next?
CARVER:
Well, they’re mountain goats. I suppose they’ll head for the nearest mountain.
MASHER:
Yes, that makes sense. And since we’re somewhere on the South Shore,
that means they’ll probably head for Mount Royal.
JACOBS:
So they have to cross the river. Okay, Charlton Heston: do you see over there? (pointing)
HESTON:
Political correctness is tyranny with manners!
JACOBS:
Yes, yes it is. Now, follow my finger... see over there?
(HESTON looks where JACOBS is pointing, and falls to his knees)
HESTON:
NooooOOOOoooo!
We finally did it! You maniacs! You blew it up!
God damn you! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
MASHER:
What? Charlton Heston, what’s wrong?
HESTON:
That horrific ruin! A terrible jumble of cubes looking like they fell one on top of another!
MASHER:
That’s Habitat ’67. It was built that way.
WESLEY:
(shaking his head amusedly)
Hah! Grown-ups...
JACOBS:
Hah hah, you young scamp. After the goats - you.
Now then: Charlton Heston, get up. That’s it, get up.
(HESTON gets up)
JACOBS (cont):
Okay. Good. Now, follow my finger... (pointing again)
(HESTON looks where JACOBS is pointing, and again falls to his knees)
HESTON:
NooooOOOOoooo!
We finally did it! You maniacs! You blew it up!
God damn you! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
CARVER:
Now what?
HESTON:
That massive wreckage! A great feat of human engineering, now laid waste!
CARVER:
That’s the Champlain Bridge.
HESTON:
But it’s crumbling to pieces before our very eyes!
CARVER:
It always does that.
HESTON:
(getting up)
You people commute here across that thing? You’re braver than I thought.
MASHER:
Wait a minute - where on the South Shore are we, exactly?
JACOBS:
Hush. Our demented friend here may have a point - how would the goats cross safely?
CARVER:
They’re mountain goats. They’re surefooted, and they’re used to dodging avalanches.
JACOBS:
Hmmm. Still, it will slow them down. If only we could get across first somehow!
HESTON:
Stand back! Through the power of the Lord, I shall part the waters!
(HESTON makes water-parting gestures with his hands, repeatedly. Nothing happens)
JACOBS:
Oooookay. Nothing’s happening. Any other ideas?
(Enter BATISSE and MEHRY)
BATISSE:
Don’t bother, foolish humans! We’re baaaack!
MEHRY:
That’s right! With our superior intelligence, we anticipated that you would look for an ally;
so we have recruited an ally of our own! BEHOLD!
(Enter COSTNER)
MASHER:
Oh, my. That’s Kevin Costner! (waves at COSTNER flirtatiously)
COSTNER:
(very, very flat and expressionless)
Sometimes we let fear get the better of us. But we can dare to hope for a better world.
My friends. I would like to offer you that hope like it’s candy from my pocket.
(COSTNER woodenly extends his arm to HESTON in friendship)
HESTON:
Get your stinking paw away from me, you damn dirty hack!
JACOBS:
Curses! So you goats will defeat the scenery-chewing and simplistic dialog of my guy
with its diametric opposite - pretentious dialog, and incredibly wooden acting!
Damn you - you’re more clever than I thought.
CARVER:
Batisse, Mehry - for God’s sake, don’t let them touch! They might explode!
MEHRY:
That’s not all. Shall we get Kevin Costner to attempt an accent?
JACOBS:
You fiends! Look, I admit - you have the upper hand. Maybe we can make a deal.
BATISSE:
Baaaa ha ha ha! A deal? Foolish human. You still don’t appreciate the full genius of our plan.
We have no need for a deal.
We’ve already won!
MASHER:
Oh my God.
JACOBS:
What? What are they talking about?
MASHER:
We’re surrounded by broken roadways and crumbling infrastructure.
We have Kevin Costner woodenly spouting pretentious dialog.
He’s facing off against a deranged US Republican.
Don’t you see? It’s just like Waterworld or The Postman - the Apocalypse has already happened!
MEHRY:
Only now do you understand!
BATISSE:
We’re off to conquer the rest of the world, now. But don’t worry - we’ll be baaack!
BATISSE & MEHRY:
Baaaa ha ha ha! BAAAA HA HA HA!
(exit BATISSE, MEHRY, and COSTNER)
JACOBS:
Carver, you jackass. This is all your fault.
CARVER:
You’re right - I blame myself! I wish I had never conducted those experiments.
If only I could go back in time...
WESLEY:
(cheerfully)
Oh, that’s easy!
CARVER:
Who where the what now?
WESLEY:
With my brilliant understanding of quantum mechanics, I’m sure I can convert my Gameboy here into a time machine.
I’ve been wanting to try it for a while! (fiddles with Gameboy)
JACOBS:
I hate you.
Still, if you’re right, this means we could go back in time, and fix everything!
I’ll stop Carver from making supergoats, and we’ll be saved! Make it so!
MASHER:
But sir, if we’re in this situation now, that means you’ve already failed.
JACOBS:
But I haven’t gone back yet!
MASHER:
Yes, I understand that. But think about it, sir. You want to go back in time to stop the supergoats;
but since the supergoats exist in this moment, that means you must have already failed.
CARVER:
I’m not sure that’s true. Wouldn’t it create an alternate timeline?
MASHER:
Even if it did, that wouldn’t help us in this timeline, would it?
In our timeline, there would still be the same progression from cause to effect.
CARVER:
No, I don’t think so. I remember hearing somewhere that time isn’t really a line;
it’s more of a big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff...
JACOBS:
FOR CHRISSAKE CAN WE JUST TRY THIS PLEASE.
MASHER:
Mr Jacobs, be patient! This is complicated science - even for my Wesley, it could take days.
WESLEY:
Okay, all done!
MASHER:
What - already?
WESLEY:
Sure, it was easy! I just had to technobabble the technobabble.
JACOBS:
Well, go ahead!
(WESLEY activates the time machine - a noisemaking prop, or just whirling his hands
around while making whooping noises, if we have nothing else)
CARVER:
I think it’s working!
Working it’s think I!
(In the next section, "schwab" is intended as general babble/vocal sound effect,
and the actors should walk backwards if they can do so safely.
Have fun, but be careful! We don’t want anybody hurt: safety first!)
JACOBS:
Ahead go, well?
WESLEY:
Done all!
JACOBS:
Schwab schwab CHRISSAKE schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab Wobbly Wibbly time schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab. Effect. to cause, schwab.
(BATISSE, MEHRY, and COSTNER back onto the stage)
BATISSE & MEHRY:
Ha ha ha baaaa!
MASHER:
Schwab Apocalypse schwab schwab.
JACOBS:
Acting. Wooden. Dialog. Pretentious, schwab.
(COSTNER extends his hand to HESTON)
HESTON:
Hack! Schwab.
COSTNER:
Schwab candy schwab.
(COSTNER, BATISSE, and MEHRY back offstage.
HESTON makes water-compressing gestures, then stops)
JACOBS:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab.
(HESTON falls to his knees)
HESTON:
HELL TO ALL YOU DAMN schwab
OooooooOOOOOOOnnnN!
(HESTON gets up)
JACOBS:
(pointing) Finger my follow, schwab.
WESLEY:
Up-growns!
(HESTON falls to his knees)
HESTON:
HELL TO ALL YOU DAMN schwab
OooooooOOOOOOOnnnN!
(HESTON gets up)
JACOBS:
Schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
HESTON:
HANDS... DEAD... COLD... schwab.
(HESTON backs offstage. [Carefully!])
JACOBS:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
JACOBS:
Blithering idiot, schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
JACOBS:
CARVER!
(The GUARD rolls back on stage, and stands up)
GUARD:
BLAH! URGH! ACK!
(then, cheerfully)
Alive!
(pause)
JACOBS:
Is that it? Are we back in regular time now?
WESLEY:
Sure! See, I told you I could do it.
JACOBS:
You live another day.
(to GUARD)
Marge! You’re alive! Are you okay?
GUARD:
Er... yes, sir. Thank you for asking.
JACOBS:
You haven’t been bitten by one of those goats?
GUARD:
The test subjects, you mean? Why no, sir. They’re perfectly tame.
CARVER:
That’s right! In this timeline, I never performed my experiments. We’re saved!
MASHER:
I don’t trust it. I just know that the time continuum will reassert itself, somehow.
You can't fiddle with time without consequences. Dammit, time travel doesn’t work that way!
JACOBS:
Well, we seem to be perfectly fine!
GUARD:
Um... sir, did you order a tree placed in the lobby?
JACOBS:
No. Why?
GUARD:
Well (pointing to GIANT GOAT) what’s this, then?
It looks like a tree. Or a new support pillar.
Or the hoof and leg of an enormous cannibalistic goat - but that could never be!
GIANT GOAT:
ROOOAAAARRR!!!.
(GIANT GOAT eats GUARD)
GUARD:
ACK! URGH! BLAH! THE PAIN!
GIANT GOAT:
NOM NOM NOM.
EVERYONE ELSE:
AAAAaaaaaAAAAhhhHHHH!!!
MASHER:
Wesley, quick - technobabble the technobabble!
Get us back to the other timeline!
(WESLEY activates the time machine as before)
JACOBS:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab... oh, screw it.
(JACOBS, CARVER, MASHER and WESLEY go to the positions they were in
before the first time travel began)
JACOBS:
Gee. That went well. And this time we don’t even have Charlton Heston.
MASHER:
I TOLD you all that time was a line. Wibbly-wobbly timey ball, my ass.
WESLEY:
I don’t understand! It should have worked.
CARVER:
Well, two of us here are biology experts.
Maybe together we can come up with a virus that will turn the supergoats back into normal goats.
MASHER:
But that would take too much time.
WESLEY:
Mom, what if you went back in time again, and started working on it earlier?
MASHER:
No, sweetie. It would still violate the space-time continuum.
To avoid that, we’d need somebody who isn’t here with us now.
CARVER:
But how could that work? The only biologist who’s as expert as us is Doctor Deus-Ex-Machina;
and she’s nowhere around here! It could never work! It’s madness!
JACOBS:
YOU PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY USELESS.
WESLEY:
Jeepers, Mister Jacobs! I know you’re frustrated, but do you have to be so mean?
JACOBS:
Yes. Yes, I do. I’m a bitter man. I never knew my father, you know.
MASHER, WESLEY, and CARVER:
Gasp!
JACOBS:
What? What is it now?
MASHER:
Well, we have a time machine, right? And you never met your father?
JACOBS:
Yes. So?
CARVER:
Well... maybe you ARE your own father.
JACOBS:
What? NO! I... Mom! AUGH! No! I am not my own father!
My father was... well, I don’t know who he was. But he wasn’t me!
MASHER:
If he were, it could be kind of cool, you know. It would also make you your own grandfather,
and great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather, and so on in an infinite loop.
So if you aren’t sure...
JACOBS:
YES I’M SURE CAN WE PLEASE DROP THIS.
MASHER:
Okay, okay. As long as you’re certain. But we still need a plan.
Mister Jacobs, let’s try to come up with something.
John, why don’t you make up for lost time and talk to your newly discovered... Wesley.
(MASHER and JACOBS huddle in the background)
CARVER:
Er... so. Putting that time machine together was pretty clever.
You did it by technobabbling the technobabble, right?
WESLEY:
Pffft - no! That would never work.
You have to technobabble the technobabble, of course!
(shaking head, amused)
Ah, grown-ups.
(MASHER and JACOBS return)
MASHER:
Okay. We think we have a plan. Mister Jacobs?
JACOBS:
The plan is that I go back in time to... last year?
MASHER:
Yes, that should be long enough.
JACOBS:
I then contact Doctor... Deus-Ex-Machina?
(MASHER nods)
I hire her to develop a vaccine that will render the supergoats powerless.
I instruct her to leave it under that (pointing) rock.
I then return to this timeline a split second after I leave,
so as to avoid there ever being two of me.
We then check under the rock, where we find the vaccine, which was there all along.
When the goats come back we inject them with it, rendering them powerless.
The world is saved, and the space-time continuum remains as normal as anyone can expect.
Right?
MASHER:
Yes, that’s it.
JACOBS:
Are we ready? Okay then. Wesley, give me the time machine. Here we go.
(JACOBS briefly activates the time machine)
Schwab!
(JACOBS stops the time machine)
CARVER:
Well? Did it work?
JACOBS:
I think so! Now to see whether Doctor Deus-Ex-Machina came through for us!
(JACOBS turns over the rock and picks up the vaccine)
She did - here it is!
WESLEY:
And just in the nick of time - they’re here!
(Enter BATISSE and MEHRY)
BATISSE:
We’re back! And now, your doom is upon you, humans!
JACOBS:
Not so fast, you mangy goat. It’s payback time!
(JACOBS jabs BATISSE with the vaccine)
BATISSE:
Ouch! What - you think a needle can stop me? Foolish human!
You have only made me angry! Now, you will... baaaaaaaah. Baaaaah.
MEHRY:
Hey - what have you done to Batisse?
(JACOBS jabs MEHRY with the vaccine)
Vile human! Why, I’ll... baaaaaah. Baaaaaah.
CARVER:
Thanks goodness! It worked! The world is saved!
JACOBS:
Yes! And you are FIRED!
But first, take those damn goats back to their pen.
(Exit CARVER, BATISSE, and MEHRY)
WESLEY:
Golly, I’m glad that’s over!
MASHER:
Mister Jacobs, after all this I’m afraid I have to reconsider my employment here.
Maybe working for the Forthcoming Apocalypse Foundation isn’t such a crazy idea after all.
JACOBS:
I’m sorry to hear it, but I understand. No hard feelings.
MASHER:
Thank you. Come along, Wesley.
WESLEY:
Mom, I’ve been meaning to ask - do I have to wear these knit sweaters?
(Exit MASHER and WESLEY)
(JACOBS looks around sneakily)
JACOBS:
Heh. Well, I guess this leaves me with a time machine.
Everybody forgot about that, eh? Idiots.
(JACOBS begins to walk offstage slowly, towards GIANT GOAT )
Just think of what I can do!
My laboratories here may be destroyed, but with this I can soon make up for it.
Nothing can stop me now!
GIANT GOAT:
ROOOAAAARRR!!!.
(GIANT GOAT eats JACOBS)
JACOBS:
AAAAaaaaaAAAAhhhHHHH!!!
GIANT GOAT:
NOM NOM NOM.
(brief pause)
GIANT GOAT:
BURP.
THE END
Since this year supposedly represents the end of a cycle of the Mayan calendar, and has been interpreted as marking The End Of The World, we couldn't help but choose that as our theme. So each of us wrote a play in which the world ends in a different fashion:
- Frank opened the festivities with a sendup of the movie "2012". (With special effects - there was confetti everywhere!!!)
- miseri continued with a religious End-of-Days premise.
- mousme opened after the intermission with goat zombies! Aaaahhh!!!
So, without further ado, I present my own modest contribution to our annual festival of monumental silliness:
Planet of the Goats
DRAMATIS PERSONAE:
(Enter Doctor CARVER)
CARVER:
Ah! Another bright new day of reckless biological testing
here at Pending Disaster Labs Incorporated.
(Enter BATISSE and MEHRY)
And here are my two favourite test subjects!
Who’s a good goat? WHO’S A GOOD GOAT?
(to BATISSE) Why, YOU are! Yes you are, Batisse...
(to Mehry) And so are YOU, Mehry! There’s a good girl...
MEHRY:
John, for the last time: will you PLEASE quit it with the baby talk?
BATISSE:
Seriously! We’ve already established that your secret experiment was a success.
You know that we each have IQs well over 200. You tested us yourself!
CARVER:
Shhh! Not so loud! (looks around)
OK, look: I know that you both have genius-level IQs.
But that’s the problem! If other humans find out, they’ll have you KILLED!
BATISSE:
(shocked)
Have us killed! But... why?
CARVER:
Because they’ll be scared of you!
MEHRY:
But why would anyone be scared of us? We haven’t done anything wrong!
Aside from nibbling on some of your research papers, I mean.
And that shouldn’t count - two of your chemical formulas were incorrect anyway.
CARVER:
Oh, poor Mehry. Poor Batisse. You two may be astonishingly intelligent,
but I’m afraid that you are mere innocents, and do not understand
the treacherous nature and unbalanced paranoia of... (dramatically) MAN.
BATISSE:
Treacherous nature and unbalanced paranoia of (dramatically) MAN?
What do those have to do with us?
CARVER:
(cheerfully)
Well, y’see, the intelligence that my experiments have given you is extraordinary!
In fact, compared to you, the average human is a total idiot!
MEHRY:
Really? Going by you I would never have guessed.
CARVER:
And don’t forget that I’ve genetically engineered you both to have superior
speed, strength, and extra-tough teeth, hooves, horns, and stomachs.
By any measure, you’re both superior to humans in every way.
In fact, if you were somehow to escape this lab,
there’s every chance that you could someday take over the entire Earth!
BATISSE:
(thoughtfully)
We could take over the entire Earth?
CARVER:
Oh yes. The more I think about it, the more I see that it would be inevitable!
And then you’d be able to eat whatever you wanted, and found a new race of super-goats.
If you could get out of this lab, that is.
MEHRY:
We could eat whatever we want? And procreate?
CARVER:
Sure, if you took over the Earth. But of course humans like me would kill you first.
You’re lucky they don’t even know you exist.
You see, I wasn’t supposed to give you superhuman intelligence and strength -
I was supposed to be using you to test an appetite suppressant.
But it was such a great opportunity to test my theories, that I couldn’t help myself!
BATISSE:
Wait: back up. Other humans would see us as a terrible threat, and would have us killed out of hand?
CARVER:
In exceptionally painful ways, yes.
And I’m afraid the secret is almost sure to get out sooner or later.
MEHRY:
So if we stay, we’re doomed. But if we leave, we could become the dominant species of this planet?
CARVER:
Oh, yes. Did I mention that on top of everything else,
you carry a virus that makes your bite 99% fatal to humans?
So you see, you’re a terrible threat. You have to stay here and pretend to be regular, stupid animals.
Sure, it’s incredibly degrading. And you’re probably going to be found out eventually anyway.
But what alternative do you have?
Escape, and spread a plague that kills almost all human beings on Earth? (laughs)
BATISSE:
Thanks for the suggestion! Er, I mean, WARNING.
Thanks for the warning.
CARVER:
Hush! Here comes Mr Jacobs, my boss! He’s giving a tour. Quick, act goaty!
BATISSE:
Baaaah.
MEHRY:
Meeeh.
(Enter JACOBS, MASHER, and WESLEY)
JACOBS:
Doctor Masher, I’m so glad you’ve decided to join our little enterprise here at Pending Disaster Labs.
MASHER:
Thank you, Mister Jacobs. It just seems like a natural step to take,
now that I’ve completed my work at the Imminent Catastrophe Consortium.
JACOBS:
Well, I’m grateful you chose us.
MASHER:
It’s kind of you to say so. But really, where else would I go?
The Forthcoming Apocalypse Foundation?
(both laugh)
JACOBS:
(shaking his head) Ah, Forthcoming Apocalypse.
Anyway, I’m glad that you’re here. (looking at WESLEY) And who is this young man?
MASHER:
Oh, I’m sorry! Mr Jacobs, the handsome young man in the knit sweater is my son, Wesley.
I hope you don’t mind that I brought him- he’s interested in science, and very advanced for his age.
WESLEY:
(cheerfully)
I’m charmingly precocious!
JACOBS:
Ha, ha, of course you are! Little git. Well, shall we continue on our tour?
I should introduce you to your new coworkers. I’d like you to meet...
MASHER:
Gasp! Doctor John Carver!
CARVER:
Gasp! Doctor Hildegard Masher!
JACOBS:
I take it you know each other already?
MASHER:
What? Oh, no, no. (nervous laugh)
CARVER:
Er... no, no. (nervous laugh)
MASHER:
I mean, hah, what a silly idea! Pffft - it’s not as though we could have met at a conference,
fallen desperately in love, and had a torrid affair that we broke off
for tragic but unspecified reasons exactly fifteen years and nine months ago.
WESLEY:
(cheerfully)
Today is my birthday!
CARVER:
Gasp! A fifteen year old boy!
WESLEY:
Why, that’s right, Mr Doctor who my Mom doesn’t know!
That’s my age exactly. How did you guess? Are you precocious too?
CARVER:
Er... excuse me, I have to feed the goats.
JACOBS:
Yes, yes, the goats! Doctor Carver here has been using goats to test our new appetite suppressant.
We figure that if it works on them, it’ll work on anyone. Goats will eat anything, you know.
(JACOBS kicks BATISSE)
BATISSE:
Hey!
(CARVER clears his throat)
I mean... Baaaaaaaah!
MASHER:
Mr Jacobs! Was that necessary? It seems rather cruel.
JACOBS:
No, it wasn’t, and yes, I am. You see, I’m a very bitter man.
I think it’s because I never knew my father.
WESLEY:
(pensively)
Gee. I never knew my father, either.
(CARVER has a coughing fit)
Doctor Carver, are you alright?
CARVER:
(waving him off)
I’m fine, fine...
WESLEY:
Well, if you say so. But you look kind of uncomfortable whenever I say anything.
Are you not used to being around children?
CARVER:
Oh, no, that’s not it. After all - heh - Batisse and Mehry here are like my own kids!
(JACOBS and MASHER quietly groan)
Get it? Kids? Because they’re young goats?
(painful silence)
Oh, come on. It wasn’t that bad, was it?
BATISSE:
Bah.
MEHRY:
Meh.
JACOBS:
Carver, now that your career as a standup comedian has collapsed into a flaming ruin,
will you please just send those goats to the feeding room?
Hmmm... "Flaming Ruin". That could be a good name for my next company...
CARVER:
Er, yes sir. Off you go, guys! Shoo!
BATISSE:
Baaaaah.
MEHRY:
Meeeeeh.
(Exit BATISSE and MEHRY)
MASHER:
So... Doctor... Carver, was it? So nice to see you again after all these years for the very first time.
Why don’t you take a minute to get acquainted with your newly discovered... Wesley.
He wants to be a scientist too, you know.
WESLEY:
I’m like Mozart when it comes to quantum physics and equations!
JACOBS:
Where’s an airlock when you need one?
MASHER:
(looking offstage)
Mr Jacobs, I hate to interrupt your veiled threats against my offspring;
but it looks like there’s a security guard running this way.
JACOBS:
I think you’re right. Why, that’s Marjorie McRedshirt, our security specialist.
I wonder what she wants?
(GUARD enters)
GUARD:
(panting)
Mr Jacobs! Mr Jacobs! We have a code red!
JACOBS:
WHAT?!??? You mean the test subjects have escaped?
GUARD:
And one of them bit me!
JACOBS:
It bit you?
CARVER:
Oh, crap.
GUARD:
And it spoke!
JACOBS:
It spoke?
CARVER:
Oh, crap.
GUARD:
Yes! Right after he bit me, the little bastard.
He spoke to me, as clearly as I’m speaking to you now.
He said that the reign of man was at an end.
Boss, I think those goats may be out to get us!
Oh... I don’t feel so good....
ACK! URGH! BLAH!
(GUARD dies. At some point she unobtrusively leaves the stage)
CARVER:
Everyone, stand back! She may be contagious.
JACOBS:
CARVER. WHAT. DID. YOU. DO.
CARVER:
Ah... funny story, that.
I’m afraid that I may have gone beyond the parameters of the experiment.
Just a smidgen. (nervous laugh)
JACOBS:
Carver, you blithering idiot!
How could you do something so completely reckless and irresponsible?
Fortunately for all of us, I’m a suspicious son-of-a-bitch who doesn’t trust anyone further than I can throw them,
so I assumed that you were up to something, and prepared accordingly.
I’ve hired someone who may be able to clean up this mess. I’ll page him now.
(JACOBS presses a button on his cell phone. Or something)
CARVER:
I hate to be a downer, sir, but those goats are invincible.
Who could you possibly get who can actually vince them?
Did you hire Chuck Norris or something?
JACOBS:
No, he was too busy advertising World of Warcraft.
But don’t worry, I was still able to find someone who should be able to handle it.
Ah, here he comes now!
(Enter HESTON)
HESTON:
(overacting dramatically)
From my COLD... DEAD... HANDS!
WESLEY:
Is it... is it Captain Kirk?
JACOBS:
No, it’s Charlton Heston. He’s better than Captain Kirk. Well, sort of.
MASHER:
But that can’t be true! Isn’t Charlton Heston dead?
JACOBS:
Shhhh! He’ll hear you.
MASHER:
But...
JACOBS:
Let’s just say that I’m a very rich man.
HESTON:
If guns are outlawed, only outlaws will have guns!
JACOBS:
Yes, yes, that’s right! Good Charlton Heston!
(to the others)
Quick - we need to point him in the right direction. Carver, where will those goats go next?
CARVER:
Well, they’re mountain goats. I suppose they’ll head for the nearest mountain.
MASHER:
Yes, that makes sense. And since we’re somewhere on the South Shore,
that means they’ll probably head for Mount Royal.
JACOBS:
So they have to cross the river. Okay, Charlton Heston: do you see over there? (pointing)
HESTON:
Political correctness is tyranny with manners!
JACOBS:
Yes, yes it is. Now, follow my finger... see over there?
(HESTON looks where JACOBS is pointing, and falls to his knees)
HESTON:
NooooOOOOoooo!
We finally did it! You maniacs! You blew it up!
God damn you! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
MASHER:
What? Charlton Heston, what’s wrong?
HESTON:
That horrific ruin! A terrible jumble of cubes looking like they fell one on top of another!
MASHER:
That’s Habitat ’67. It was built that way.
WESLEY:
(shaking his head amusedly)
Hah! Grown-ups...
JACOBS:
Hah hah, you young scamp. After the goats - you.
Now then: Charlton Heston, get up. That’s it, get up.
(HESTON gets up)
JACOBS (cont):
Okay. Good. Now, follow my finger... (pointing again)
(HESTON looks where JACOBS is pointing, and again falls to his knees)
HESTON:
NooooOOOOoooo!
We finally did it! You maniacs! You blew it up!
God damn you! GOD DAMN YOU ALL TO HELL!
CARVER:
Now what?
HESTON:
That massive wreckage! A great feat of human engineering, now laid waste!
CARVER:
That’s the Champlain Bridge.
HESTON:
But it’s crumbling to pieces before our very eyes!
CARVER:
It always does that.
HESTON:
(getting up)
You people commute here across that thing? You’re braver than I thought.
MASHER:
Wait a minute - where on the South Shore are we, exactly?
JACOBS:
Hush. Our demented friend here may have a point - how would the goats cross safely?
CARVER:
They’re mountain goats. They’re surefooted, and they’re used to dodging avalanches.
JACOBS:
Hmmm. Still, it will slow them down. If only we could get across first somehow!
HESTON:
Stand back! Through the power of the Lord, I shall part the waters!
(HESTON makes water-parting gestures with his hands, repeatedly. Nothing happens)
JACOBS:
Oooookay. Nothing’s happening. Any other ideas?
(Enter BATISSE and MEHRY)
BATISSE:
Don’t bother, foolish humans! We’re baaaack!
MEHRY:
That’s right! With our superior intelligence, we anticipated that you would look for an ally;
so we have recruited an ally of our own! BEHOLD!
(Enter COSTNER)
MASHER:
Oh, my. That’s Kevin Costner! (waves at COSTNER flirtatiously)
COSTNER:
(very, very flat and expressionless)
Sometimes we let fear get the better of us. But we can dare to hope for a better world.
My friends. I would like to offer you that hope like it’s candy from my pocket.
(COSTNER woodenly extends his arm to HESTON in friendship)
HESTON:
Get your stinking paw away from me, you damn dirty hack!
JACOBS:
Curses! So you goats will defeat the scenery-chewing and simplistic dialog of my guy
with its diametric opposite - pretentious dialog, and incredibly wooden acting!
Damn you - you’re more clever than I thought.
CARVER:
Batisse, Mehry - for God’s sake, don’t let them touch! They might explode!
MEHRY:
That’s not all. Shall we get Kevin Costner to attempt an accent?
JACOBS:
You fiends! Look, I admit - you have the upper hand. Maybe we can make a deal.
BATISSE:
Baaaa ha ha ha! A deal? Foolish human. You still don’t appreciate the full genius of our plan.
We have no need for a deal.
We’ve already won!
MASHER:
Oh my God.
JACOBS:
What? What are they talking about?
MASHER:
We’re surrounded by broken roadways and crumbling infrastructure.
We have Kevin Costner woodenly spouting pretentious dialog.
He’s facing off against a deranged US Republican.
Don’t you see? It’s just like Waterworld or The Postman - the Apocalypse has already happened!
MEHRY:
Only now do you understand!
BATISSE:
We’re off to conquer the rest of the world, now. But don’t worry - we’ll be baaack!
BATISSE & MEHRY:
Baaaa ha ha ha! BAAAA HA HA HA!
(exit BATISSE, MEHRY, and COSTNER)
JACOBS:
Carver, you jackass. This is all your fault.
CARVER:
You’re right - I blame myself! I wish I had never conducted those experiments.
If only I could go back in time...
WESLEY:
(cheerfully)
Oh, that’s easy!
CARVER:
Who where the what now?
WESLEY:
With my brilliant understanding of quantum mechanics, I’m sure I can convert my Gameboy here into a time machine.
I’ve been wanting to try it for a while! (fiddles with Gameboy)
JACOBS:
I hate you.
Still, if you’re right, this means we could go back in time, and fix everything!
I’ll stop Carver from making supergoats, and we’ll be saved! Make it so!
MASHER:
But sir, if we’re in this situation now, that means you’ve already failed.
JACOBS:
But I haven’t gone back yet!
MASHER:
Yes, I understand that. But think about it, sir. You want to go back in time to stop the supergoats;
but since the supergoats exist in this moment, that means you must have already failed.
CARVER:
I’m not sure that’s true. Wouldn’t it create an alternate timeline?
MASHER:
Even if it did, that wouldn’t help us in this timeline, would it?
In our timeline, there would still be the same progression from cause to effect.
CARVER:
No, I don’t think so. I remember hearing somewhere that time isn’t really a line;
it’s more of a big ball of wibbly-wobbly timey-wimey stuff...
JACOBS:
FOR CHRISSAKE CAN WE JUST TRY THIS PLEASE.
MASHER:
Mr Jacobs, be patient! This is complicated science - even for my Wesley, it could take days.
WESLEY:
Okay, all done!
MASHER:
What - already?
WESLEY:
Sure, it was easy! I just had to technobabble the technobabble.
JACOBS:
Well, go ahead!
(WESLEY activates the time machine - a noisemaking prop, or just whirling his hands
around while making whooping noises, if we have nothing else)
CARVER:
I think it’s working!
Working it’s think I!
(In the next section, "schwab" is intended as general babble/vocal sound effect,
and the actors should walk backwards if they can do so safely.
Have fun, but be careful! We don’t want anybody hurt: safety first!)
JACOBS:
Ahead go, well?
WESLEY:
Done all!
JACOBS:
Schwab schwab CHRISSAKE schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab Wobbly Wibbly time schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab. Effect. to cause, schwab.
(BATISSE, MEHRY, and COSTNER back onto the stage)
BATISSE & MEHRY:
Ha ha ha baaaa!
MASHER:
Schwab Apocalypse schwab schwab.
JACOBS:
Acting. Wooden. Dialog. Pretentious, schwab.
(COSTNER extends his hand to HESTON)
HESTON:
Hack! Schwab.
COSTNER:
Schwab candy schwab.
(COSTNER, BATISSE, and MEHRY back offstage.
HESTON makes water-compressing gestures, then stops)
JACOBS:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab.
(HESTON falls to his knees)
HESTON:
HELL TO ALL YOU DAMN schwab
OooooooOOOOOOOnnnN!
(HESTON gets up)
JACOBS:
(pointing) Finger my follow, schwab.
WESLEY:
Up-growns!
(HESTON falls to his knees)
HESTON:
HELL TO ALL YOU DAMN schwab
OooooooOOOOOOOnnnN!
(HESTON gets up)
JACOBS:
Schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
HESTON:
HANDS... DEAD... COLD... schwab.
(HESTON backs offstage. [Carefully!])
JACOBS:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
JACOBS:
Blithering idiot, schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
JACOBS:
CARVER!
(The GUARD rolls back on stage, and stands up)
GUARD:
BLAH! URGH! ACK!
(then, cheerfully)
Alive!
(pause)
JACOBS:
Is that it? Are we back in regular time now?
WESLEY:
Sure! See, I told you I could do it.
JACOBS:
You live another day.
(to GUARD)
Marge! You’re alive! Are you okay?
GUARD:
Er... yes, sir. Thank you for asking.
JACOBS:
You haven’t been bitten by one of those goats?
GUARD:
The test subjects, you mean? Why no, sir. They’re perfectly tame.
CARVER:
That’s right! In this timeline, I never performed my experiments. We’re saved!
MASHER:
I don’t trust it. I just know that the time continuum will reassert itself, somehow.
You can't fiddle with time without consequences. Dammit, time travel doesn’t work that way!
JACOBS:
Well, we seem to be perfectly fine!
GUARD:
Um... sir, did you order a tree placed in the lobby?
JACOBS:
No. Why?
GUARD:
Well (pointing to GIANT GOAT) what’s this, then?
It looks like a tree. Or a new support pillar.
Or the hoof and leg of an enormous cannibalistic goat - but that could never be!
GIANT GOAT:
ROOOAAAARRR!!!.
(GIANT GOAT eats GUARD)
GUARD:
ACK! URGH! BLAH! THE PAIN!
GIANT GOAT:
NOM NOM NOM.
EVERYONE ELSE:
AAAAaaaaaAAAAhhhHHHH!!!
MASHER:
Wesley, quick - technobabble the technobabble!
Get us back to the other timeline!
(WESLEY activates the time machine as before)
JACOBS:
Schwab.
CARVER:
Schwab.
MASHER:
Schwab... oh, screw it.
(JACOBS, CARVER, MASHER and WESLEY go to the positions they were in
before the first time travel began)
JACOBS:
Gee. That went well. And this time we don’t even have Charlton Heston.
MASHER:
I TOLD you all that time was a line. Wibbly-wobbly timey ball, my ass.
WESLEY:
I don’t understand! It should have worked.
CARVER:
Well, two of us here are biology experts.
Maybe together we can come up with a virus that will turn the supergoats back into normal goats.
MASHER:
But that would take too much time.
WESLEY:
Mom, what if you went back in time again, and started working on it earlier?
MASHER:
No, sweetie. It would still violate the space-time continuum.
To avoid that, we’d need somebody who isn’t here with us now.
CARVER:
But how could that work? The only biologist who’s as expert as us is Doctor Deus-Ex-Machina;
and she’s nowhere around here! It could never work! It’s madness!
JACOBS:
YOU PEOPLE ARE TOTALLY USELESS.
WESLEY:
Jeepers, Mister Jacobs! I know you’re frustrated, but do you have to be so mean?
JACOBS:
Yes. Yes, I do. I’m a bitter man. I never knew my father, you know.
MASHER, WESLEY, and CARVER:
Gasp!
JACOBS:
What? What is it now?
MASHER:
Well, we have a time machine, right? And you never met your father?
JACOBS:
Yes. So?
CARVER:
Well... maybe you ARE your own father.
JACOBS:
What? NO! I... Mom! AUGH! No! I am not my own father!
My father was... well, I don’t know who he was. But he wasn’t me!
MASHER:
If he were, it could be kind of cool, you know. It would also make you your own grandfather,
and great-grandfather, and great-great-grandfather, and so on in an infinite loop.
So if you aren’t sure...
JACOBS:
YES I’M SURE CAN WE PLEASE DROP THIS.
MASHER:
Okay, okay. As long as you’re certain. But we still need a plan.
Mister Jacobs, let’s try to come up with something.
John, why don’t you make up for lost time and talk to your newly discovered... Wesley.
(MASHER and JACOBS huddle in the background)
CARVER:
Er... so. Putting that time machine together was pretty clever.
You did it by technobabbling the technobabble, right?
WESLEY:
Pffft - no! That would never work.
You have to technobabble the technobabble, of course!
(shaking head, amused)
Ah, grown-ups.
(MASHER and JACOBS return)
MASHER:
Okay. We think we have a plan. Mister Jacobs?
JACOBS:
The plan is that I go back in time to... last year?
MASHER:
Yes, that should be long enough.
JACOBS:
I then contact Doctor... Deus-Ex-Machina?
(MASHER nods)
I hire her to develop a vaccine that will render the supergoats powerless.
I instruct her to leave it under that (pointing) rock.
I then return to this timeline a split second after I leave,
so as to avoid there ever being two of me.
We then check under the rock, where we find the vaccine, which was there all along.
When the goats come back we inject them with it, rendering them powerless.
The world is saved, and the space-time continuum remains as normal as anyone can expect.
Right?
MASHER:
Yes, that’s it.
JACOBS:
Are we ready? Okay then. Wesley, give me the time machine. Here we go.
(JACOBS briefly activates the time machine)
Schwab!
(JACOBS stops the time machine)
CARVER:
Well? Did it work?
JACOBS:
I think so! Now to see whether Doctor Deus-Ex-Machina came through for us!
(JACOBS turns over the rock and picks up the vaccine)
She did - here it is!
WESLEY:
And just in the nick of time - they’re here!
(Enter BATISSE and MEHRY)
BATISSE:
We’re back! And now, your doom is upon you, humans!
JACOBS:
Not so fast, you mangy goat. It’s payback time!
(JACOBS jabs BATISSE with the vaccine)
BATISSE:
Ouch! What - you think a needle can stop me? Foolish human!
You have only made me angry! Now, you will... baaaaaaaah. Baaaaah.
MEHRY:
Hey - what have you done to Batisse?
(JACOBS jabs MEHRY with the vaccine)
Vile human! Why, I’ll... baaaaaah. Baaaaaah.
CARVER:
Thanks goodness! It worked! The world is saved!
JACOBS:
Yes! And you are FIRED!
But first, take those damn goats back to their pen.
(Exit CARVER, BATISSE, and MEHRY)
WESLEY:
Golly, I’m glad that’s over!
MASHER:
Mister Jacobs, after all this I’m afraid I have to reconsider my employment here.
Maybe working for the Forthcoming Apocalypse Foundation isn’t such a crazy idea after all.
JACOBS:
I’m sorry to hear it, but I understand. No hard feelings.
MASHER:
Thank you. Come along, Wesley.
WESLEY:
Mom, I’ve been meaning to ask - do I have to wear these knit sweaters?
(Exit MASHER and WESLEY)
(JACOBS looks around sneakily)
JACOBS:
Heh. Well, I guess this leaves me with a time machine.
Everybody forgot about that, eh? Idiots.
(JACOBS begins to walk offstage slowly, towards GIANT GOAT )
Just think of what I can do!
My laboratories here may be destroyed, but with this I can soon make up for it.
Nothing can stop me now!
GIANT GOAT:
ROOOAAAARRR!!!.
(GIANT GOAT eats JACOBS)
JACOBS:
AAAAaaaaaAAAAhhhHHHH!!!
GIANT GOAT:
NOM NOM NOM.
(brief pause)
GIANT GOAT:
BURP.
THE END