Woke up this mornin found the letter that she wrote...
It's about 2:50 in the morning, and I have class tomorrow. But I can't sleep tonight. I did push ups, up downs, sit ups, calf raises,jumped around like an idiot.. all trying to work myself into sleeping. But I can't. I've hit one of those fair stages of depression where I'm losing sleep.
So, lets see. I'm in a town where I know exactly one other person, and met a whole lot that I can't remember. I sit in my apartment after school, watch tv, imagine about eating because - and this is pivotol - I'm so broke I'm drinking unsweet tea. I can't smoke cigarettes anymore because I can't afford them. The last pack of cigarettes I bought I paid for in pennies, and it cost me $2.13 and was called a brand called "Gold Coast". I got a flat tire the other day, so I'm riding around on my spare, my mom can't believe I'm broke when I started out with #1500. After buying $500 worth of books, a new tv, a new cell phone, paid for my first month of cable and paid for the installation of the cable and my internet, buying groceries and school supplies, I can see where that money went. Not to mention that I can't find a job because all the well paying ones have been snatched up already and none of the jobs posted in the CSU Career Center return my phone calls, and the only person I want to rant too lives in Boston, on a long distance phone number, who is always so pre-occupied with her new found life and friends and lost within her never ending labryinth of parties and concerts can't even pick up the phone when I call (the first time) and is always in a spot where it's too loud and she can't hear me... yeah. I'm a mess.
I don't know what to be mad at. Should I be mad at my own stupidity for blowing $90 on Air Force Ones instead of groceries? Should I also be mad at myself for moving to a hick town where everybody is so backwards that seeing a city kid just makes them freak out? Should I be mad at myself for being too insecure to talk to people? Should I be mad at myself for leaving everything I have EVER known in Atlanta to come to the aforementioned hick town? Should I be mad at Cici for just what, being cooler than me, being too cool to talk, being smart enough to go to a really good school in the city of my dreams and live a life that I could never imagine to be in? Do I even blame her for ditching a loser like me for a place like that? I mean, seriously, what do I have that she could possibly want? I'm just some fat ass with a lip ring.
And then again, I'm really only writing this because I know that she'll call me tomorrow and ask me how I'm doing and I"ll say "great! I met a bunch of people at that party I went to last night, got some digits, I got a job.." and then one day in like a week she'll come on here and see that well, I'm not doing all that great. I'm doing just shitty.
I mean, it has every opportunity to be great, and honestly - I make it sound really bad, but I'm working hard at it. I did go to a party last night and I did meet a bunch of people. I also decided to pledge to a fraternity in an effort to meet new people and get my whole social circle off the ground and past the first member. Why I didn't think of this earlier I don't know. I did have a blast. But I was so broke I had to beg the guy who threw the party to let me drink - it was $5 a cup. I couldn't even swing that.
Man. I wish she'd come home. I know she'll find someone better, I just wish she'd come home before she does. Really, what am I? I'm broke, fat, ugly and I have no friends. Except for Jesse, but man, Jesse is ann annoying little shit.
Whatever, I'm gonna try to sleep. If I can't, back to the sit ups, push ups and up downs. Man, updowns are fucking hard, I haven't done those since gym class in elementary school with Coach Cooper at Heards Ferry.
So, lets see. I'm in a town where I know exactly one other person, and met a whole lot that I can't remember. I sit in my apartment after school, watch tv, imagine about eating because - and this is pivotol - I'm so broke I'm drinking unsweet tea. I can't smoke cigarettes anymore because I can't afford them. The last pack of cigarettes I bought I paid for in pennies, and it cost me $2.13 and was called a brand called "Gold Coast". I got a flat tire the other day, so I'm riding around on my spare, my mom can't believe I'm broke when I started out with #1500. After buying $500 worth of books, a new tv, a new cell phone, paid for my first month of cable and paid for the installation of the cable and my internet, buying groceries and school supplies, I can see where that money went. Not to mention that I can't find a job because all the well paying ones have been snatched up already and none of the jobs posted in the CSU Career Center return my phone calls, and the only person I want to rant too lives in Boston, on a long distance phone number, who is always so pre-occupied with her new found life and friends and lost within her never ending labryinth of parties and concerts can't even pick up the phone when I call (the first time) and is always in a spot where it's too loud and she can't hear me... yeah. I'm a mess.
I don't know what to be mad at. Should I be mad at my own stupidity for blowing $90 on Air Force Ones instead of groceries? Should I also be mad at myself for moving to a hick town where everybody is so backwards that seeing a city kid just makes them freak out? Should I be mad at myself for being too insecure to talk to people? Should I be mad at myself for leaving everything I have EVER known in Atlanta to come to the aforementioned hick town? Should I be mad at Cici for just what, being cooler than me, being too cool to talk, being smart enough to go to a really good school in the city of my dreams and live a life that I could never imagine to be in? Do I even blame her for ditching a loser like me for a place like that? I mean, seriously, what do I have that she could possibly want? I'm just some fat ass with a lip ring.
And then again, I'm really only writing this because I know that she'll call me tomorrow and ask me how I'm doing and I"ll say "great! I met a bunch of people at that party I went to last night, got some digits, I got a job.." and then one day in like a week she'll come on here and see that well, I'm not doing all that great. I'm doing just shitty.
I mean, it has every opportunity to be great, and honestly - I make it sound really bad, but I'm working hard at it. I did go to a party last night and I did meet a bunch of people. I also decided to pledge to a fraternity in an effort to meet new people and get my whole social circle off the ground and past the first member. Why I didn't think of this earlier I don't know. I did have a blast. But I was so broke I had to beg the guy who threw the party to let me drink - it was $5 a cup. I couldn't even swing that.
Man. I wish she'd come home. I know she'll find someone better, I just wish she'd come home before she does. Really, what am I? I'm broke, fat, ugly and I have no friends. Except for Jesse, but man, Jesse is ann annoying little shit.
Whatever, I'm gonna try to sleep. If I can't, back to the sit ups, push ups and up downs. Man, updowns are fucking hard, I haven't done those since gym class in elementary school with Coach Cooper at Heards Ferry.