(no subject)
this song is so passionate for me.
i can't control it. something about it makes me wanna... like i don't know. i can't explain it.
this week had been pretty bad... the whole documentary disaster. but then doug and i bonded and yelled at the rest of our crew members and he said he didn't blame me and we were gonna get some great footage this weekend. encouraging. i know this is completely non important to everybody else. my essay was going nowhere... until i recieved previous exercises back and my teacher said they were intelligent and interesting responses and he was looking forward to my finished essay. then i got inspired to write and now my essay just may survive the night. then just
something about L of Film class. i got so inspired. i was sitting there, after watching Raging Bull, and listening to Nick Tanis talk... and i thought, WOW. i love film.
i mean i absolutely love film.
there is something so permanent about my love of film... like no matter how much i hate everything else... my body my so called new 'friends' boys my situation my failures my mistakes my past everything in the world could be going wrong, and i could feel so absolutely destitute... but i don't think i can ever not love film
film will never betray me, no matter how many times the industry turns me down, my teachers tell me my projects suck, my peers reject me.... film in itself understands how much i love it and it fucking loves me back and i will never leave film because i can't, i am inexpressably bound.
i hear about the French New Wavers and the Italian Neorealists and the New Hollywood Cinema and how the inspiration and influence stretched because all these fabulous and innovative film makers were inspired and influenced by each other and made these great fucking films and it made me want to be like them.... just
passion passion passion just sit and watch great films and learn and learn and become inspired to create and do and capture and i fell in love with the beauty of cinema, the beauty of film and writing and even stupid editing programs which are above me but when i sit around editing for hours and hours with no pressure of deadlines, something very exciting happens. i get lost in it. cutting and splicing and stretching and manipulating the footage into the most perfect finished product i am capable of. learning what this damn tool in photoshop does. and it makes me happy
and i forget that i am lonely and confused a lot of the time, that i am worried about my family and my sisters, that i am terrified of failing, that i feel like i am being used by boys and will never be able to love and be happy, that i am TERRIFIED OF FAILING and disappointing my parents and myself and my friends and all the people who fucked me over, i want them to hear about me again on the news and go DAMN, she did do what she said she would.
i wanna be that person that shoves it up their ass by being the best i possible fucking can. i love film and when i am feeling the most like i just am not talented enough smart enough i get this burning fire of something inspiration pure obstinance whatever it is, i just want to keep going even if i fall flat on my face.
yeah this was another one of those fiery little ridiculous posts.
shit i gotta go get ready. anybody seen the new Bond film? i was gonna go to the midnight showing, but i didn't it was raining and i was tired.
xoxoxoxox
i can't control it. something about it makes me wanna... like i don't know. i can't explain it.
this week had been pretty bad... the whole documentary disaster. but then doug and i bonded and yelled at the rest of our crew members and he said he didn't blame me and we were gonna get some great footage this weekend. encouraging. i know this is completely non important to everybody else. my essay was going nowhere... until i recieved previous exercises back and my teacher said they were intelligent and interesting responses and he was looking forward to my finished essay. then i got inspired to write and now my essay just may survive the night. then just
something about L of Film class. i got so inspired. i was sitting there, after watching Raging Bull, and listening to Nick Tanis talk... and i thought, WOW. i love film.
i mean i absolutely love film.
there is something so permanent about my love of film... like no matter how much i hate everything else... my body my so called new 'friends' boys my situation my failures my mistakes my past everything in the world could be going wrong, and i could feel so absolutely destitute... but i don't think i can ever not love film
film will never betray me, no matter how many times the industry turns me down, my teachers tell me my projects suck, my peers reject me.... film in itself understands how much i love it and it fucking loves me back and i will never leave film because i can't, i am inexpressably bound.
i hear about the French New Wavers and the Italian Neorealists and the New Hollywood Cinema and how the inspiration and influence stretched because all these fabulous and innovative film makers were inspired and influenced by each other and made these great fucking films and it made me want to be like them.... just
passion passion passion just sit and watch great films and learn and learn and become inspired to create and do and capture and i fell in love with the beauty of cinema, the beauty of film and writing and even stupid editing programs which are above me but when i sit around editing for hours and hours with no pressure of deadlines, something very exciting happens. i get lost in it. cutting and splicing and stretching and manipulating the footage into the most perfect finished product i am capable of. learning what this damn tool in photoshop does. and it makes me happy
and i forget that i am lonely and confused a lot of the time, that i am worried about my family and my sisters, that i am terrified of failing, that i feel like i am being used by boys and will never be able to love and be happy, that i am TERRIFIED OF FAILING and disappointing my parents and myself and my friends and all the people who fucked me over, i want them to hear about me again on the news and go DAMN, she did do what she said she would.
i wanna be that person that shoves it up their ass by being the best i possible fucking can. i love film and when i am feeling the most like i just am not talented enough smart enough i get this burning fire of something inspiration pure obstinance whatever it is, i just want to keep going even if i fall flat on my face.
yeah this was another one of those fiery little ridiculous posts.
shit i gotta go get ready. anybody seen the new Bond film? i was gonna go to the midnight showing, but i didn't it was raining and i was tired.
xoxoxoxox