"I'm Worn Out. That Flourescent Light Kind of Feeling"
good old lj comes in handy again. it's insane how detached people are from each other's lives, when they sit down to write their personal thoughts and feelings, as opposed to when they skim through their friend's entries for interesting content.
i read ali's comment but i didn't leave a response although i want to talk to her. ali, i freaking miss you. and i know it's easy to say to someone you never see, like "OH HIIII- I MISS YOU".... but i really freaking do. i hate talking on the phone. i want to go and sit and smoke cigarettes with you. this sounds so lesbo but the best cigarettes i ever had were with you. i've got a lot on my mind and i'm sitting here like a clam in a shell of dust.
i mean i know i've said this before but i'm so tired of trying to diet. really. working out- fine, whatever. i don't mind doing that. but when i can't, i can't diet either. i can't do it. i hate measuring portions and not eating carbs like bread and stupid things and feeling thinner but hungry i hate hate hate trying to squeeze myself into a body shape i'll never fit. i can't get over it, no matter how hard i try. and i never stop wanting to throw up my food. but it doesn't make me feel thinner, that's why i stopped doing it. not because i know it's bad for me, not because it can kill me, not because of whatever. i don't do it because i don't feel thinner- if i did, i'd be doing it all the time. and that to me, is very sad. i hate the feeling of scratching up my throat when i stick my finger down and try to muffle the gags so my mom won't hear.
i'm feeling really fucked up. i'm avoiding all my emotional attachments by thinking about physicalities. just fucking. just kissing. fucking is a big deal, believe it or not. i'm so innocent. but it's nice to only imagine about some other guy, some other place and you're fucking and you're not pregnant. and free. i never realized how fucked up i got from such little hurts. i remember how hard i cried the night before jake left camp. i was so sad that i would never see him again, that we would move on with our lives and he'd be ok and i'd be ok but i didn't feel ok and i sat on the dirty bathroom floor and cried so loudly that ali had to tell people to ignore it outside of the room.
right now i'm burying myself in work because i'm hoping that will make me feel better and i'm avoiding everything else inside my head. i'd kill for some decent music to listen to. really i fucking would.
i want most people to leave me alone but really the only people i'd like to talk to are ali julian or josh. julian's the one who said that, the title of my entry. he's so insightful and genius and weird. i love him. i fucking hate long distance relationships and i hate talking over the phone, so i can't call even though i want to hear from them, i fucking hate not being close to someone and know that they're breathing and listening and looking. fuck this. i have no acute way of expressing myself anymore. it's all just 'fuck' and such and stupidity. so nevermind.
i read ali's comment but i didn't leave a response although i want to talk to her. ali, i freaking miss you. and i know it's easy to say to someone you never see, like "OH HIIII- I MISS YOU".... but i really freaking do. i hate talking on the phone. i want to go and sit and smoke cigarettes with you. this sounds so lesbo but the best cigarettes i ever had were with you. i've got a lot on my mind and i'm sitting here like a clam in a shell of dust.
i mean i know i've said this before but i'm so tired of trying to diet. really. working out- fine, whatever. i don't mind doing that. but when i can't, i can't diet either. i can't do it. i hate measuring portions and not eating carbs like bread and stupid things and feeling thinner but hungry i hate hate hate trying to squeeze myself into a body shape i'll never fit. i can't get over it, no matter how hard i try. and i never stop wanting to throw up my food. but it doesn't make me feel thinner, that's why i stopped doing it. not because i know it's bad for me, not because it can kill me, not because of whatever. i don't do it because i don't feel thinner- if i did, i'd be doing it all the time. and that to me, is very sad. i hate the feeling of scratching up my throat when i stick my finger down and try to muffle the gags so my mom won't hear.
i'm feeling really fucked up. i'm avoiding all my emotional attachments by thinking about physicalities. just fucking. just kissing. fucking is a big deal, believe it or not. i'm so innocent. but it's nice to only imagine about some other guy, some other place and you're fucking and you're not pregnant. and free. i never realized how fucked up i got from such little hurts. i remember how hard i cried the night before jake left camp. i was so sad that i would never see him again, that we would move on with our lives and he'd be ok and i'd be ok but i didn't feel ok and i sat on the dirty bathroom floor and cried so loudly that ali had to tell people to ignore it outside of the room.
right now i'm burying myself in work because i'm hoping that will make me feel better and i'm avoiding everything else inside my head. i'd kill for some decent music to listen to. really i fucking would.
i want most people to leave me alone but really the only people i'd like to talk to are ali julian or josh. julian's the one who said that, the title of my entry. he's so insightful and genius and weird. i love him. i fucking hate long distance relationships and i hate talking over the phone, so i can't call even though i want to hear from them, i fucking hate not being close to someone and know that they're breathing and listening and looking. fuck this. i have no acute way of expressing myself anymore. it's all just 'fuck' and such and stupidity. so nevermind.