(no subject)
I can't even remember the last time I posted anything but I know it's been a while. I won't even jcut this, no one reads it anyway. Today has been filled with so many up and downs that I can't help BUT count my blessings. Due to it being our first place, the leasing office approved us, but the amount owed was no longer what had been originally told to us. Miki was ready to give up hope unknowing that THIS was a blessing in an ugly package. After calming down, talking it over with Pooh, we were able to get Miki to agree to still talk to the leasing lady. We only had 1400 to out down and because we moved our move in date to the 17th of January, we are now able to offer the asking price!!! Come the new year I will have an apartment with best friend. I'm so grateful that we have been blessed in this way. The year has been a hard one for both. Moreso for Twin then I.
Because of this I have to make some serious choices going into this arrangement and the year 2014. Sean still treats me like he doesn't like me. I managed to have an conversation with him about our "relationship" reason being I know that when I get this place I will be entertaining. We're both adults here. I truly just want Sean. Any one else I mess with, I know there may be feelings developed but I really just want some thing solid with Sean and I have been slowly coming to accept that he and I want different things. I want HIM. HE wants to date other people to see if there is some one else out there for him. I'm glad that he isn't "settling" for me and wants to find some thing more, but in a way then we really shouldn't be having intercourse then. You tell me different things when you are drunk. When he's drunk I'm his "girlfriend" or his "down bitch" (whatever the fuck that means) when he's sober I'm his "loyal friend". Tonight I was so close to giving in to desire with this guy- we shall call Shin- I've been flirting with for a while now. Shin is seven years younger so his only interest I'm sure is penetration. That is all well and good on some level but I know I want more then that. Not necessarily from him. I will not lie to myself, I like the kid. Long term....NO. He's a coworker, seasonal so I adjusted my rules on this. But I am always open to the outside chance that it could turn serious. I have already made it clear to Sean that even though I will be fucking other people it's going to be him that I want. I mean I've been with people who have treated me better and in some cases fucked me better (made love better and other things) but it is him that I want.
I know that there is something seriously wrong with this picture. It's not that I don't believe that I deserve better for myself. Some one or some thing hurt Sean. I'm starting to see that. I don't want to give up on him or feel like I've abandoned him or some thing.I love him. I just wish that he would understand that.
Because of this I have to make some serious choices going into this arrangement and the year 2014. Sean still treats me like he doesn't like me. I managed to have an conversation with him about our "relationship" reason being I know that when I get this place I will be entertaining. We're both adults here. I truly just want Sean. Any one else I mess with, I know there may be feelings developed but I really just want some thing solid with Sean and I have been slowly coming to accept that he and I want different things. I want HIM. HE wants to date other people to see if there is some one else out there for him. I'm glad that he isn't "settling" for me and wants to find some thing more, but in a way then we really shouldn't be having intercourse then. You tell me different things when you are drunk. When he's drunk I'm his "girlfriend" or his "down bitch" (whatever the fuck that means) when he's sober I'm his "loyal friend". Tonight I was so close to giving in to desire with this guy- we shall call Shin- I've been flirting with for a while now. Shin is seven years younger so his only interest I'm sure is penetration. That is all well and good on some level but I know I want more then that. Not necessarily from him. I will not lie to myself, I like the kid. Long term....NO. He's a coworker, seasonal so I adjusted my rules on this. But I am always open to the outside chance that it could turn serious. I have already made it clear to Sean that even though I will be fucking other people it's going to be him that I want. I mean I've been with people who have treated me better and in some cases fucked me better (made love better and other things) but it is him that I want.
I know that there is something seriously wrong with this picture. It's not that I don't believe that I deserve better for myself. Some one or some thing hurt Sean. I'm starting to see that. I don't want to give up on him or feel like I've abandoned him or some thing.I love him. I just wish that he would understand that.