(no subject)
i remember kim sent out an email for a project asking everybody what they were afraid of. it had to be tangible. every since then i've been trying to figure out what i'm truly afraid of. am i even afraid of anything tangible?
so far i've come up with this list:
- getting old (mainly because of all the bad things that come with age, such as physical problems, mental problems, dependency, loneliness, etc)
- wasting my life
- getting incurable diseases
- regretting something i do or say
- getting hurt (mainly emotionally)
- dying when things start going right in my life (i'm convinced my life is run by irony)
- losing somebody i care about (either by death, growing apart, or them hating me)
- that i'll never meet somebody who'll be able to put up with me for longer than a few months
then i realized that i can just group this all into one category: i fear losing control over my life. i can't force anybody to like me or stay with me. as much as i try, i can't prevent getting old or sick. i can't stop someone or myself from dying. i can't even control what i do or say anymore.
i was doing fine for the past few weeks. then i just realized that it was only because i've been too busy/tired to even remember how fucked up i am. until thursday. that day ruined me. thanks to alcohol and my stupid lack of control, i can say goodbye to any chance i've had at being normal. or even any chance i THOUGHT i had. i know there's no cure. sober or not. i'm stuck with being me for the rest of my life.
so far i've come up with this list:
- getting old (mainly because of all the bad things that come with age, such as physical problems, mental problems, dependency, loneliness, etc)
- wasting my life
- getting incurable diseases
- regretting something i do or say
- getting hurt (mainly emotionally)
- dying when things start going right in my life (i'm convinced my life is run by irony)
- losing somebody i care about (either by death, growing apart, or them hating me)
- that i'll never meet somebody who'll be able to put up with me for longer than a few months
then i realized that i can just group this all into one category: i fear losing control over my life. i can't force anybody to like me or stay with me. as much as i try, i can't prevent getting old or sick. i can't stop someone or myself from dying. i can't even control what i do or say anymore.
i was doing fine for the past few weeks. then i just realized that it was only because i've been too busy/tired to even remember how fucked up i am. until thursday. that day ruined me. thanks to alcohol and my stupid lack of control, i can say goodbye to any chance i've had at being normal. or even any chance i THOUGHT i had. i know there's no cure. sober or not. i'm stuck with being me for the rest of my life.