Letting Go...?
I have come to realize that I am still holding on to an event that happened nearly eight years ago. It seems silly to hold on to something like that, but nobody comes from an attack that they nearly lose their life and be as if it never happened.
I was attacked by two men eight years ago. One man held me up by my throat with his forearm and threatened me with his other which he used to show an exacto- knife that he had in his pocket. The other man did nothing but watch as his friend beat up a girl.
In a way, the man who did nothing hurt me more than the man who held me by my throat as he did not do what was right. He allowed an attack to happen and did not step in to stop in. This act of cowardism hurts far more that the physicalness of the other act.
It hurts me to hear from a friend who does not know what has happened to "drop my walls" and to trust people again. But how can I do that if I know that if I drop them, I would be haunted by that night more than I am now? I already know that the walls are breaking with cracks, but I don't know if I could ever let a man get that close to me.
C did NOT help with this.
So, where do I go from this?
People say I need to trust people again, but how can I do that if all I see is what people can potentially do to me? People who I am close with, who I know really well, I can trust, but it is a half trust. I find just writing this I am fighting with myself, but my heart needs to let this out, even if my brain is screaming in protest.
I was attacked.
Fact.
I am still hurting from this.
Semi fact.
I am still kicking myself in the ass for being so stupid thinking that my tkd would save me that night.
Fact.
I can't stand people touching my neck.
Fact.
I only faced the place where I was attacked this summer, almost eight years afterwards.
Fact.
I know I need to let people in.
Fact.
So, where to go? I vow to myself that I will seek some councilling, whether it is telling more people about it or going to see a councillor. I vow that I will let more people see the real me, even if I feel quite broken that day. I vow not to hold back my tears if I feel like crying as it has never helped me so far. I vow that I won't let this control how I run my life.
I vow that I will trust men again, even if it is only a select few.
I think that pretty much covers the torture I have put myself through. This event has shaped me in that it has made me such the feminist in my writing, always cheering for the strong female character in reading and always supporting women in the fight to end violence against women in relationship. I am simply letting myself become better from this, and letting go of my bitterness towards it, and subconsciously towards any man who gets too close to me without me going to them.
I am feeling lighter already.
I need a hug.
I was attacked by two men eight years ago. One man held me up by my throat with his forearm and threatened me with his other which he used to show an exacto- knife that he had in his pocket. The other man did nothing but watch as his friend beat up a girl.
In a way, the man who did nothing hurt me more than the man who held me by my throat as he did not do what was right. He allowed an attack to happen and did not step in to stop in. This act of cowardism hurts far more that the physicalness of the other act.
It hurts me to hear from a friend who does not know what has happened to "drop my walls" and to trust people again. But how can I do that if I know that if I drop them, I would be haunted by that night more than I am now? I already know that the walls are breaking with cracks, but I don't know if I could ever let a man get that close to me.
C did NOT help with this.
So, where do I go from this?
People say I need to trust people again, but how can I do that if all I see is what people can potentially do to me? People who I am close with, who I know really well, I can trust, but it is a half trust. I find just writing this I am fighting with myself, but my heart needs to let this out, even if my brain is screaming in protest.
I was attacked.
Fact.
I am still hurting from this.
Semi fact.
I am still kicking myself in the ass for being so stupid thinking that my tkd would save me that night.
Fact.
I can't stand people touching my neck.
Fact.
I only faced the place where I was attacked this summer, almost eight years afterwards.
Fact.
I know I need to let people in.
Fact.
So, where to go? I vow to myself that I will seek some councilling, whether it is telling more people about it or going to see a councillor. I vow that I will let more people see the real me, even if I feel quite broken that day. I vow not to hold back my tears if I feel like crying as it has never helped me so far. I vow that I won't let this control how I run my life.
I vow that I will trust men again, even if it is only a select few.
I think that pretty much covers the torture I have put myself through. This event has shaped me in that it has made me such the feminist in my writing, always cheering for the strong female character in reading and always supporting women in the fight to end violence against women in relationship. I am simply letting myself become better from this, and letting go of my bitterness towards it, and subconsciously towards any man who gets too close to me without me going to them.
I am feeling lighter already.
I need a hug.