Nihilism, restlessness and existential musings
Yes, I am having an emo moment. Bear with me. Normal service should resume shortly.
I am stuck with the restlessness.
It happens occasionally, but it feels big this time. I have to do something, make a change, make my life different and less dependent and squalid.
I'm coming to realise that the things I do when I feel this way are just temporary solutions, basically big displacement activity. I break up with someone or find a new person to enliven myself - get a new job, move house, move cities, cut my hair, clear out my wardrobe, and so on. But these things are just a superficial cycle. I need to do something more permanent, in myself - my circumstances are just a symptom, excuse or distraction. There's always been some project to occupy me - university, wayward boyfriend, a play, heartbreak or family crisis. Seems like the modern equivalent of the needlework or music lessons used to ostensibly edify unmarried girls and spinsters for the benefit of any potential suitors! Pointless tasks employed merely to make them appear less useless.
I remember being stuck in a kind of stupor, aged 16 or 17, a general feeling that I wasn't really in the world, or experiencing anything - like I was underwater or my ears were blocked and I couldn't pop them. I was rehearsing for some play or other and decided I had to snap out of it - so I ran outside into the alleyway next to the theatre and started jumping and running up and down to jolt myself awake. I think it worked, or perhaps it was just a change in my mentality that I wanted to get out of it.
It's not quite the same now, but I still have that feeling that I'm missing the point, things are passing me by and I'm not sure what to do about it. Except that now my brain is full and constantly buzzing with the noise of all these thing, what I can or should do, what I'm not doing, and soundbites of things people have said that may or may not be useful. Like Scarlett O'Hara at the end of Gone with the Wind, but without the moment of clarity!
Action one: I am giving up caffeine. Read all about it below - fun and games. It's a pretty tall order but it's a major habit and forms a large part of my lifestyle. And it's something I've never considered before. I will also stop smoking, but one thing at a time.
Action two: Frankie says Relax! I used to spend lot of time alone daydreaming and just letting my mind wander, but I don't do that any more and I find it more and more difficult to deal with the things flapping about in my head. The everyday stresses and the not knowing what I should be doing are becoming elevated and problematic. I need to spend more time alone to fit things back together.
Action three: Write more. It's the one thing Ive always been good at, and enjoyed. I forget for long periods, but it's cathartic, and creative. If I can just remember or bully myself into doing a bit say once a week, I might find what it is I'm after. Or at least not feel like I'm wasting my life and talents.
I am stuck with the restlessness.
It happens occasionally, but it feels big this time. I have to do something, make a change, make my life different and less dependent and squalid.
I'm coming to realise that the things I do when I feel this way are just temporary solutions, basically big displacement activity. I break up with someone or find a new person to enliven myself - get a new job, move house, move cities, cut my hair, clear out my wardrobe, and so on. But these things are just a superficial cycle. I need to do something more permanent, in myself - my circumstances are just a symptom, excuse or distraction. There's always been some project to occupy me - university, wayward boyfriend, a play, heartbreak or family crisis. Seems like the modern equivalent of the needlework or music lessons used to ostensibly edify unmarried girls and spinsters for the benefit of any potential suitors! Pointless tasks employed merely to make them appear less useless.
I remember being stuck in a kind of stupor, aged 16 or 17, a general feeling that I wasn't really in the world, or experiencing anything - like I was underwater or my ears were blocked and I couldn't pop them. I was rehearsing for some play or other and decided I had to snap out of it - so I ran outside into the alleyway next to the theatre and started jumping and running up and down to jolt myself awake. I think it worked, or perhaps it was just a change in my mentality that I wanted to get out of it.
It's not quite the same now, but I still have that feeling that I'm missing the point, things are passing me by and I'm not sure what to do about it. Except that now my brain is full and constantly buzzing with the noise of all these thing, what I can or should do, what I'm not doing, and soundbites of things people have said that may or may not be useful. Like Scarlett O'Hara at the end of Gone with the Wind, but without the moment of clarity!
Action one: I am giving up caffeine. Read all about it below - fun and games. It's a pretty tall order but it's a major habit and forms a large part of my lifestyle. And it's something I've never considered before. I will also stop smoking, but one thing at a time.
Action two: Frankie says Relax! I used to spend lot of time alone daydreaming and just letting my mind wander, but I don't do that any more and I find it more and more difficult to deal with the things flapping about in my head. The everyday stresses and the not knowing what I should be doing are becoming elevated and problematic. I need to spend more time alone to fit things back together.
Action three: Write more. It's the one thing Ive always been good at, and enjoyed. I forget for long periods, but it's cathartic, and creative. If I can just remember or bully myself into doing a bit say once a week, I might find what it is I'm after. Or at least not feel like I'm wasting my life and talents.