hmmm...bad news
So, a lot has been happening this summer that I've chosen to not mention to anyone because of the uncertainty of the expected outcome...anyways, long story short...I'm fucked.
This summer has been nothing but a disaster for me. I've not seen hardly any friends because of my shitty job (and because they don't really call me cause they work when I'm not...as predicted). School is a disaster because I'm losing money, which gives me two choices: don't go back OR find $8,000 before the semester begins. Well, I made a few thousand working but not that many. Mentally and emotionally I've been completely empty and overloaded at the same time. I have no where to let out my built up stress therefore, I just periodically break down in front of my parents. There is officially no one on this planet that knows as much about me as my parents...just to give y'all an idea, that's never been the case.
Went to a party this weekend in Daytona (Port Orange to be specific) and it was really fun until I was (as usual) left alone with him. This always happens. I don't like him nor do I want a relationship with him but when I'm with him I like it. We don't have a physical relationship, though, so no regrets are in the line up. But, he cares about me...alot and the thing is, he doesn't really care about many people...kind of an asshole! Surprising, I know. Well, laying there that night I realized how retarded I am. I always let the good ones get away but I never know they are good until they are long gone and out of reach. I know some people joke about not getting married for a long, long time (if ever) but I'm one of the people who are getting a huge slap in the face, which forces me to see a future of loneliness if I don't change.
Another thing that happened this past weekend was a near death experience. Yeah, I know most people have had them but what's unique with mine is in those few seconds where you're supposed to think back on something or someone or remember things in your life...yeah, I went completely blank. Absolutely nothing. Now, I'm not sure if that's weird or normal or absolutly sickening but that's what happened.
(For all of your interested, my near death experience was this: I was driving off of I-95 and the roads were a little slick from a previous rain shower. I wasn't going a mile over 45 and was luckily alone on the ramp when I attempted to switch into the left turning lane and my car hydroplaned and did a complete 360 before I got control and stopped the car. Without allowing time to breath I had to quickly reposition my car before the asshole driving over 50 down the ramp hit me. He ended up driving off the road because he couldn't stop either. It was scary but luckily not as bad as it could've been...especially considering if I had gone off the road I would've not only crashed into the safety barrier but probably ruined my car and gotten hurt or something. Whatever.)
So, summer is thankfully coming to an end and hopefully I'll be going back to Stetty. I still want to go away for a few days with you girls but I haven't really seen y'all or heard from y'all so, I guess unless I do I'll take it we aren't getting away.
Oh, and of course...I miss Ben.
This summer has been nothing but a disaster for me. I've not seen hardly any friends because of my shitty job (and because they don't really call me cause they work when I'm not...as predicted). School is a disaster because I'm losing money, which gives me two choices: don't go back OR find $8,000 before the semester begins. Well, I made a few thousand working but not that many. Mentally and emotionally I've been completely empty and overloaded at the same time. I have no where to let out my built up stress therefore, I just periodically break down in front of my parents. There is officially no one on this planet that knows as much about me as my parents...just to give y'all an idea, that's never been the case.
Went to a party this weekend in Daytona (Port Orange to be specific) and it was really fun until I was (as usual) left alone with him. This always happens. I don't like him nor do I want a relationship with him but when I'm with him I like it. We don't have a physical relationship, though, so no regrets are in the line up. But, he cares about me...alot and the thing is, he doesn't really care about many people...kind of an asshole! Surprising, I know. Well, laying there that night I realized how retarded I am. I always let the good ones get away but I never know they are good until they are long gone and out of reach. I know some people joke about not getting married for a long, long time (if ever) but I'm one of the people who are getting a huge slap in the face, which forces me to see a future of loneliness if I don't change.
Another thing that happened this past weekend was a near death experience. Yeah, I know most people have had them but what's unique with mine is in those few seconds where you're supposed to think back on something or someone or remember things in your life...yeah, I went completely blank. Absolutely nothing. Now, I'm not sure if that's weird or normal or absolutly sickening but that's what happened.
(For all of your interested, my near death experience was this: I was driving off of I-95 and the roads were a little slick from a previous rain shower. I wasn't going a mile over 45 and was luckily alone on the ramp when I attempted to switch into the left turning lane and my car hydroplaned and did a complete 360 before I got control and stopped the car. Without allowing time to breath I had to quickly reposition my car before the asshole driving over 50 down the ramp hit me. He ended up driving off the road because he couldn't stop either. It was scary but luckily not as bad as it could've been...especially considering if I had gone off the road I would've not only crashed into the safety barrier but probably ruined my car and gotten hurt or something. Whatever.)
So, summer is thankfully coming to an end and hopefully I'll be going back to Stetty. I still want to go away for a few days with you girls but I haven't really seen y'all or heard from y'all so, I guess unless I do I'll take it we aren't getting away.
Oh, and of course...I miss Ben.