(no subject)
it's amazing how static things can become... ive been feeling like so much happens each day -- over the course of the day i consume x cups of coffee, x amount of snacks, do x amount of labor, and the list continues. while i do all of this stuff and interact with countless numbers of people, things just remain the same. there's nothing like a lack of excitement to prove that things are boring. i talk to my friends in different places and they all tell me theyre having fun, but i dont know if i should believe them -- maybe theyre saying it b/c they dont know what to say otherwise, or maybe they are really having fun and im just too jaded about the possibility of actually enjoying oneself at this point to really feel as though fun could be any sort of a reality. im just sick of the routine of working all the time to make very little money. ive had to start thinking of things in terms of: that cup of coffee = x amount of time working. while it puts things into perspective, it's all kind of discouraging. i feel as though ill never be able to make enough to keep my head afloat. im also sick of calling people and talking to them and wanting to be somewhere other than where i am now. im sick of lack-lustre opportunities that people tell me are something i should be greatful for. im sick of being in that in-between space of having a home, but not being able to live there for longer than two months, and just moving around all the time. im simplifying to deal with this kind of shit -- im going to really cut down on belongings -- no more fun pretty stuff, that's for sure. only some good reference books, clothes, bedding, maybe two pillows, probably one, and my tools. a phone. an alarm clock.
the hardest thing has been trying to figure out somewhere else to be. where do i want to go? what do i want to be doing? what priorities are actually priorities in choosing a new place to be? jeeeezzz... i dont know anymore. im kind of nauseated by all of it. life & choices = a stomach ache.
my acquaintance of a mechanic gave me a hug when i left the shop yesterday. that made me so happy.
the hardest thing has been trying to figure out somewhere else to be. where do i want to go? what do i want to be doing? what priorities are actually priorities in choosing a new place to be? jeeeezzz... i dont know anymore. im kind of nauseated by all of it. life & choices = a stomach ache.
my acquaintance of a mechanic gave me a hug when i left the shop yesterday. that made me so happy.