I hit a huge wall in my life.
Yesterday.
I have pretty much been doing the same thing for about four years now. Constantly (and i mean that) worried about money. "Do I have enough money in the bank for this check I'm writing for rent?" is a question I have asked myself EVERY month.
I have always had minimum wage jobs that satisfy me in no way whatsoever.
While grades and school should be first on my list, I seem to put so many other things ahead of them in an effort to live within my needs.
I love my life and I love my friends and Michael but right now I really have no one for the majority of my week.
I've been having crazy mood swings where I am extremely happy one day and cry with the drop of a hat on the next for no reason at all. It even gets to the point that it effects my relationship with Michael. I pick fights with him over NOTHING. Probably about 85% of our fights are my fault and totally ridiculous.
I had a semi-breakdown Tuesday night and decided that things needed to change. When I get really upset I think about breaking up with Michael but I know that wouldn't solve anything. He is the perfect guy for me and when I'm with him I don't want to be anywhere else. My real problem is having no friends, no money and that I've been doing the same god damn thing for four years without any sign that it's going to get better or easier.
So yesterday morning I woke up and went to the counseling center at school. I set up and appointment and had a short talk with the lady. I don't know, maybe it was finally admitting to a real person that I have a problem but it felt really good and bad at the same time. I pretty much cried for the rest of the afternoon. I went into work and broke down in front of my boss and then quit and left.
I called Michael and he told me to come out there to go see Barack Obama with him which was amazing and made me feel so much better.
I guess I have always just been really proud that I'm not like the rest of the girls in my family with mental illnesses and all that. It was really hard for me to admit that I might have some issues too. I do hope however that it is completely environmentally induced. So, I guess I'm going to try counseling for now and hope I don't have to take any kind of medication to make me happy.
My parents told me they would pay my rent for the next couple months as my Christmas present. I'm going to look for a job that pays well and gives me a sense of accomplishment. I'm going to try and make friends even though it's a little late in the game for that. I have to finish school and stick it out but I'm definitely changing what I can at this point in my life.
I'm trying not to pity myself as I promised I wouldn't in a previous post. I just wanted to inform my closest friends of the current situation. I also realized I do an incredible job of hiding my insecurities and issues from EVERYONE.
And I really hope I'm not bipolar like my CRAZY aunt.
I have pretty much been doing the same thing for about four years now. Constantly (and i mean that) worried about money. "Do I have enough money in the bank for this check I'm writing for rent?" is a question I have asked myself EVERY month.
I have always had minimum wage jobs that satisfy me in no way whatsoever.
While grades and school should be first on my list, I seem to put so many other things ahead of them in an effort to live within my needs.
I love my life and I love my friends and Michael but right now I really have no one for the majority of my week.
I've been having crazy mood swings where I am extremely happy one day and cry with the drop of a hat on the next for no reason at all. It even gets to the point that it effects my relationship with Michael. I pick fights with him over NOTHING. Probably about 85% of our fights are my fault and totally ridiculous.
I had a semi-breakdown Tuesday night and decided that things needed to change. When I get really upset I think about breaking up with Michael but I know that wouldn't solve anything. He is the perfect guy for me and when I'm with him I don't want to be anywhere else. My real problem is having no friends, no money and that I've been doing the same god damn thing for four years without any sign that it's going to get better or easier.
So yesterday morning I woke up and went to the counseling center at school. I set up and appointment and had a short talk with the lady. I don't know, maybe it was finally admitting to a real person that I have a problem but it felt really good and bad at the same time. I pretty much cried for the rest of the afternoon. I went into work and broke down in front of my boss and then quit and left.
I called Michael and he told me to come out there to go see Barack Obama with him which was amazing and made me feel so much better.
I guess I have always just been really proud that I'm not like the rest of the girls in my family with mental illnesses and all that. It was really hard for me to admit that I might have some issues too. I do hope however that it is completely environmentally induced. So, I guess I'm going to try counseling for now and hope I don't have to take any kind of medication to make me happy.
My parents told me they would pay my rent for the next couple months as my Christmas present. I'm going to look for a job that pays well and gives me a sense of accomplishment. I'm going to try and make friends even though it's a little late in the game for that. I have to finish school and stick it out but I'm definitely changing what I can at this point in my life.
I'm trying not to pity myself as I promised I wouldn't in a previous post. I just wanted to inform my closest friends of the current situation. I also realized I do an incredible job of hiding my insecurities and issues from EVERYONE.
And I really hope I'm not bipolar like my CRAZY aunt.