Friday morning rant
Have I wasted the past three and a half years of my life? Am I wasting my time now being with you and planning this fucking wedding with you? Please, babe, enlighten me. Am I the woman you fucking love or a woman you love to fuck that has a car and has willingly played chauffer to you for over three years now? Because really, I don't know the answer to that right now.
You harrassed me for months to get a damn job and now that fucking job you helped me get is the cause of over half of our fights. Well, that's not entirely true. The main cause for our fights is that I'm no longer at your beck and call to be there to pick you up at a moment's notice, isn't it? You like having that control, don't you? For years, I've made my schedule around you. I take classes that could work with any pick up and drop off times, I only hang out with friends when you're at work, I only watch my shows when you're at work, when you're at work is the only time for me to get to do anything outside of you. And I haven't complained. Not once. Why? Because I love you more than I love myself and because I love you that much, I'm willing to do anything for you.
Except be your whipping boy. That's a role that I'm not willing to fulfill. Maybe it's my pride that won't allow it, but I don't care. I didn't get into this relationship with you, I didn't fall in love with you, so that I can be the one to blame for everything now perfect with us. Fuck you. That's not my role in this. I won't let that be my role. Fuck you, fuck my pride, just fuck, that won't be me. I will not be that woman that listens to her significant other blame her for everything. I was raised better than that. I respect myself more than that and you better fucking respect me too. I think I've fucking earned that by now, don't you?
I don't know how many times I can tell you that it hurts me that you accuse me of not caring. Ever since the start of our relationship I have put your needs above mine. I'm the first to go into battle for you and the last one to leave. I'm the one that stood up to your father- not once, but twice- for you when you changed career paths. Let me see anyone else in your family do that. Oh wait, your fucking brothers-in-law are terrified of your father. But (and this is really the best part) your father respected me MORE for standing up to him for you. But don't tell me that I don't care. I could've gone home for Christmas, but stayed to spend it with you. I could move anywhere in the world after graduation, but I'm only looking in places you can work. I've tailored my life to you. I care more than anyone else in your life so don't fucking tell me otherwise. This has been my role and the one thing I can constantly give you. Don't tell me I've been sucking at it all this time. Don't you dare take that away from me. Esp since I'm the only one I know willing to taxi someone around like this. I've had Taylor and Regan tell me to let you catch the bus everyday because it's what they would do. Aren't you glad I love you enough to drop whatever it is I'm doing and tailoring as much as my life possible to when you need to be shuttled to and from work? Because let me tell you, I certainly don't enjoy waking up at 6:15 every morning when I work closing shifts. I lose a lot of time during my day waking up that early and going back to sleep since I can't get anything done when you're home.
It's not my fault I have doushebag managers that happen to like to schedule me so I can't pick you up. You got that? Not. My. Fucking. Fault. We knew that there would be difficult times with the car when I started working. This is why I work so close to home. I voiced this to you when I was job hunting time and again. You were well aware that this was a consequence of me no longer sitting on my ass while you're at work. You knew this and yet you still storm around the house, pissed off, shouting about the fact that you have to walk 2 blocks to catch the duece. Newsflash sweetheart: there are people that do this everyday and not the random occasion that you do. In fact, there are some people that have to walk farther to and from the bus stop and don't have a car waiting to take them home. In comparison, you have it pretty damn good.
Don't make things out to be my fault when they're not. Don't tell me I don't care when I do. Don't continue to bitch about something we knew could happen. It doesn't make things pleasant for anyone and it only breaks my heart. And don't tell me that something doesn't concern me when it does or stress me out further when I'm already freaking out and terrified. I know I need a full time job. I know this. I'm trying to find one. I'm terrified that I won't. So please, for the sake of my own sanity, don't do this to me. I've got a lot on my plate with you, school, work, wedding planning, and job hunting that I don't think I can handle the added stress without breaking. Back. The. Fuck. Off. It's not like I'm not trying.
Oh, and listen to me for a fucking change. You pride yourself on being this great listener, but you seem to have not heard me when I told you ten times that I get off at 7 tonight. I didn't forward you the schedule because it seemed like a waste for one day of work But really, listen. How am I supposed to tell you anything if you don't listen to me? Stop being a stubborn asshole and open your fucking ears for once. I shouldn't have to repeat the same information ten times. That's just ridiculous.
And stop telling me you hate my ringtones. I made them. I like them. It's my phone. Shut the fuck up.
So I guess we're both going to have shit days. Fuck you very much for starting my day with this. This was exactly NOT what I had in mind. Thanks for erasing the high from our week in California. Thanks for making my headache worse. Thanks for being an asshole in general. Fuck you very much Dane, this was not what I wanted this morning.
And by the way, because I can't bring myself to be a bitch a smite you, the car will be outside the hotel today in the employee lot. I'd rather take a fucking cab to work than hear you bitch and complain some more. Enjoy driving yourself home. Enjoy doing whatever the fuck you want while Im at work. Don't forget to pick me up (or I will be more pissed off than you can imagine).
Sorry guys. I'm sure reading this isn't the start to your Friday morning you want. I just needed to get this out. I'm going to try to grab an hour sleep so I can run away with Mac Taylor (Gary Sinise). I'm sorry for just dumping this.
I've put in for a few positions already (including a Coroner's Investigator one that I REALLY want). If you guys could pray, chant, cross fingers, whatever it is you do, I would really appreciate it. I really need a full time job right now.
You harrassed me for months to get a damn job and now that fucking job you helped me get is the cause of over half of our fights. Well, that's not entirely true. The main cause for our fights is that I'm no longer at your beck and call to be there to pick you up at a moment's notice, isn't it? You like having that control, don't you? For years, I've made my schedule around you. I take classes that could work with any pick up and drop off times, I only hang out with friends when you're at work, I only watch my shows when you're at work, when you're at work is the only time for me to get to do anything outside of you. And I haven't complained. Not once. Why? Because I love you more than I love myself and because I love you that much, I'm willing to do anything for you.
Except be your whipping boy. That's a role that I'm not willing to fulfill. Maybe it's my pride that won't allow it, but I don't care. I didn't get into this relationship with you, I didn't fall in love with you, so that I can be the one to blame for everything now perfect with us. Fuck you. That's not my role in this. I won't let that be my role. Fuck you, fuck my pride, just fuck, that won't be me. I will not be that woman that listens to her significant other blame her for everything. I was raised better than that. I respect myself more than that and you better fucking respect me too. I think I've fucking earned that by now, don't you?
I don't know how many times I can tell you that it hurts me that you accuse me of not caring. Ever since the start of our relationship I have put your needs above mine. I'm the first to go into battle for you and the last one to leave. I'm the one that stood up to your father- not once, but twice- for you when you changed career paths. Let me see anyone else in your family do that. Oh wait, your fucking brothers-in-law are terrified of your father. But (and this is really the best part) your father respected me MORE for standing up to him for you. But don't tell me that I don't care. I could've gone home for Christmas, but stayed to spend it with you. I could move anywhere in the world after graduation, but I'm only looking in places you can work. I've tailored my life to you. I care more than anyone else in your life so don't fucking tell me otherwise. This has been my role and the one thing I can constantly give you. Don't tell me I've been sucking at it all this time. Don't you dare take that away from me. Esp since I'm the only one I know willing to taxi someone around like this. I've had Taylor and Regan tell me to let you catch the bus everyday because it's what they would do. Aren't you glad I love you enough to drop whatever it is I'm doing and tailoring as much as my life possible to when you need to be shuttled to and from work? Because let me tell you, I certainly don't enjoy waking up at 6:15 every morning when I work closing shifts. I lose a lot of time during my day waking up that early and going back to sleep since I can't get anything done when you're home.
It's not my fault I have doushebag managers that happen to like to schedule me so I can't pick you up. You got that? Not. My. Fucking. Fault. We knew that there would be difficult times with the car when I started working. This is why I work so close to home. I voiced this to you when I was job hunting time and again. You were well aware that this was a consequence of me no longer sitting on my ass while you're at work. You knew this and yet you still storm around the house, pissed off, shouting about the fact that you have to walk 2 blocks to catch the duece. Newsflash sweetheart: there are people that do this everyday and not the random occasion that you do. In fact, there are some people that have to walk farther to and from the bus stop and don't have a car waiting to take them home. In comparison, you have it pretty damn good.
Don't make things out to be my fault when they're not. Don't tell me I don't care when I do. Don't continue to bitch about something we knew could happen. It doesn't make things pleasant for anyone and it only breaks my heart. And don't tell me that something doesn't concern me when it does or stress me out further when I'm already freaking out and terrified. I know I need a full time job. I know this. I'm trying to find one. I'm terrified that I won't. So please, for the sake of my own sanity, don't do this to me. I've got a lot on my plate with you, school, work, wedding planning, and job hunting that I don't think I can handle the added stress without breaking. Back. The. Fuck. Off. It's not like I'm not trying.
Oh, and listen to me for a fucking change. You pride yourself on being this great listener, but you seem to have not heard me when I told you ten times that I get off at 7 tonight. I didn't forward you the schedule because it seemed like a waste for one day of work But really, listen. How am I supposed to tell you anything if you don't listen to me? Stop being a stubborn asshole and open your fucking ears for once. I shouldn't have to repeat the same information ten times. That's just ridiculous.
And stop telling me you hate my ringtones. I made them. I like them. It's my phone. Shut the fuck up.
So I guess we're both going to have shit days. Fuck you very much for starting my day with this. This was exactly NOT what I had in mind. Thanks for erasing the high from our week in California. Thanks for making my headache worse. Thanks for being an asshole in general. Fuck you very much Dane, this was not what I wanted this morning.
And by the way, because I can't bring myself to be a bitch a smite you, the car will be outside the hotel today in the employee lot. I'd rather take a fucking cab to work than hear you bitch and complain some more. Enjoy driving yourself home. Enjoy doing whatever the fuck you want while Im at work. Don't forget to pick me up (or I will be more pissed off than you can imagine).
Sorry guys. I'm sure reading this isn't the start to your Friday morning you want. I just needed to get this out. I'm going to try to grab an hour sleep so I can run away with Mac Taylor (Gary Sinise). I'm sorry for just dumping this.
I've put in for a few positions already (including a Coroner's Investigator one that I REALLY want). If you guys could pray, chant, cross fingers, whatever it is you do, I would really appreciate it. I really need a full time job right now.