Rest in peace Dad.
Today is my Dads birthday. My Dad is no longer with us. He passed away last september meaning that this was his first birthday up there, somewhere beyond the clouds. Where is "somewhere"? What should I believe to be true regarding the afterlife. I'm far to synical and actually believe that when you're dead, you're dead. There is nothing else. People say "he's watching, he's looking over you" Bullshit! Would my own father be allowing me to drown in this shit stream of a life that I am living? Ha! Cheers to you to Dad! No. As I said, once you're gone, thats it.
So the story is that my Dad died of pancreatic cancer.
He got taken into hospital last July with suspected gallstones. It wasn't long, but felt like weeks before he was scanned and told it was Cancer, secondary liver Cancer is what they told us, however they couldn't confirm the source.
I remember being sat in my back garden, my son was at his grandparents, and I'd just made myself some tea. My partner had been to visit his Grandma that evening when I got a call from my dad's wife asking me to head over to the hospital. Of course I dropped everything and sped at 50mph to the hospital which is only a 5 minute drive from my home. I knew then it was Cancer. I just knew it. I cried the whole way. I walked onto the ward where he was staying and I saw my Step Mother in floods of tears, and there it was, Cancer! Confirmed by the slight shake of her head followed by a hug that almost knocked me off of my feet.
My Dad continued his stint in hosptisl for around 2 weeks. A few more scans led us to be told by the consultant that my Dad had pamcrearic cancer. It seemed to take days for the nurses to get his pain under control. Sat next to your Dad whilst he's in tears from unbearable pain is heart breaking and gut wrenching.. this man, your dad... broken.
I went every day to see him. I had a full time job that I would pop into in the morning for a couple of hours, then I would go sit with Dad, do what I could then head off at school pick up time to take my Son home, feed him and wait for my partner to get home from work so that I could go back over to the hospital for the evening. Sometimes not getting home until late, and then doing it all again the next day.
When I think back now, I think, however did I do it? How did I fit everything in. But you just do.
Now amongst all of this I found out that I was pregnant. Fuck! Awesome timing. I told Dad, I had to. We knew he potentially wouldn't be around by the time the baby arrived but he had to know. He was so happy. I felt like shit as he'd always bugged me to have more kids "you're a wondeful Mother" "go on baby, have another". You dont know how much I hate myself for not doing it sooner, I mean, my son was 9! How much longer did I want to wait!
Anyway he was so chuffed.
Finally my Dads stay in hospital was coming to an end, he had requested to be at home and not in a hospice. After all, after pleading with the consultant to tell him how long he had left, we were told 3 months! Dad wanted to get home, and that was great. We would care for him and we wanted to. The next few weeks were going to be awful.
So the story is that my Dad died of pancreatic cancer.
He got taken into hospital last July with suspected gallstones. It wasn't long, but felt like weeks before he was scanned and told it was Cancer, secondary liver Cancer is what they told us, however they couldn't confirm the source.
I remember being sat in my back garden, my son was at his grandparents, and I'd just made myself some tea. My partner had been to visit his Grandma that evening when I got a call from my dad's wife asking me to head over to the hospital. Of course I dropped everything and sped at 50mph to the hospital which is only a 5 minute drive from my home. I knew then it was Cancer. I just knew it. I cried the whole way. I walked onto the ward where he was staying and I saw my Step Mother in floods of tears, and there it was, Cancer! Confirmed by the slight shake of her head followed by a hug that almost knocked me off of my feet.
My Dad continued his stint in hosptisl for around 2 weeks. A few more scans led us to be told by the consultant that my Dad had pamcrearic cancer. It seemed to take days for the nurses to get his pain under control. Sat next to your Dad whilst he's in tears from unbearable pain is heart breaking and gut wrenching.. this man, your dad... broken.
I went every day to see him. I had a full time job that I would pop into in the morning for a couple of hours, then I would go sit with Dad, do what I could then head off at school pick up time to take my Son home, feed him and wait for my partner to get home from work so that I could go back over to the hospital for the evening. Sometimes not getting home until late, and then doing it all again the next day.
When I think back now, I think, however did I do it? How did I fit everything in. But you just do.
Now amongst all of this I found out that I was pregnant. Fuck! Awesome timing. I told Dad, I had to. We knew he potentially wouldn't be around by the time the baby arrived but he had to know. He was so happy. I felt like shit as he'd always bugged me to have more kids "you're a wondeful Mother" "go on baby, have another". You dont know how much I hate myself for not doing it sooner, I mean, my son was 9! How much longer did I want to wait!
Anyway he was so chuffed.
Finally my Dads stay in hospital was coming to an end, he had requested to be at home and not in a hospice. After all, after pleading with the consultant to tell him how long he had left, we were told 3 months! Dad wanted to get home, and that was great. We would care for him and we wanted to. The next few weeks were going to be awful.