(no subject)
So.... the boy and I, are A-OK. Good good. I love my babe. He's being really good to me too. I am so happy about that. He does more of the little things that I wanted that used to bug me because I never got them. It makes me feel like I matter. I just want work to be over so I can devote more time to ebay and selling my shit and making money. I bet I could make more money on ebay than I can going to work. I hate it. My boss leaves on Thursday now and on one hand I am excited for her and on the other I am pissed that she's leaving two weeks early.
Ahh... life is looking up. Casey's school thing is really falling into place. I am so happy for him. I am jealous too and sort of feel like if I can't get into school then what good am I? I want this so bad yet I feel almost certain that it's not gonna happen for me. I am scared. I want things to go smoothly if possible and I want to have these dreams of ours come true but, I fucked myself really good last year financially and now I'm realizing what it is doing to me. If I can't go, what am I gonna do? Seriously? Bounce around from job to job? Be a fucking bum and a loser forever? I can't do that. I'll die first. It is starting to become overwhelming because I don't want to lose the things that I have now. I don't want to lose being with Casey because my financial state fucked me out of an education and a real job. I don't want to be a fucking loser with a dead end job. I'm scared, did I mention that already? I'm also starting to panic.
I'm going to bed because I'm starting to stress out. Optimism is what I need right now. I sure as hell am not getting it from within myself. Ugh. The future is unpredictable and unfortunately, unplanable. Too bad the plans are amazing and the reality bites.
Ahh... life is looking up. Casey's school thing is really falling into place. I am so happy for him. I am jealous too and sort of feel like if I can't get into school then what good am I? I want this so bad yet I feel almost certain that it's not gonna happen for me. I am scared. I want things to go smoothly if possible and I want to have these dreams of ours come true but, I fucked myself really good last year financially and now I'm realizing what it is doing to me. If I can't go, what am I gonna do? Seriously? Bounce around from job to job? Be a fucking bum and a loser forever? I can't do that. I'll die first. It is starting to become overwhelming because I don't want to lose the things that I have now. I don't want to lose being with Casey because my financial state fucked me out of an education and a real job. I don't want to be a fucking loser with a dead end job. I'm scared, did I mention that already? I'm also starting to panic.
I'm going to bed because I'm starting to stress out. Optimism is what I need right now. I sure as hell am not getting it from within myself. Ugh. The future is unpredictable and unfortunately, unplanable. Too bad the plans are amazing and the reality bites.