(no subject)
maybe I'll get over it... but since I can't predict the future I just don't know what will happen. I feel very deep down inside that I almost hate you a tiny bit. For lying to me. It was such a fierce blow. I just don't understand why. That tiny little part of me kicks me everyday since that night for not throwing your ring in your face and telling you to go lie to some other girl. Do you even realize what kind of strain this has put on us? If that tiny little part gets any bigger it will completely destroy us. I meant what I said. One more time and I am gone. Life is too short to stay with someone who thinks the world owes him something. I love you so much, but I love me more. I won't let you hurt me beyond belief. I don't know how much I actually mean to you, it's hard to believe anything that you say now but, the next time that you feel its necessary to lie to me or you even start to.... remember how you almost lost me and that this time you will. I can't be with you if it hurts to love you. Yeah I guess it's still eating me up inside. I don't know what is right and what is bullshit to keep me from leaving you. It's almost like I wish that the internet didn't exist but that wouldn't solve anything. If you don't want to be with me then you don't wanna be with me. The internet, the phone and other girls are the catalyst but the motive comes from you. I feel like it is just a matter of time before I decided that I made a mistake. You either need to earn my trust again or prove to me that you do mean what you say. When I sit here alone and think to myself what is going on here, I see all the good amazing things but the side of me that is hurt, disects those things and determines them to be lies. One lie, that was all it took. I can't believe it. The first email conversation that we had after the day you met me, you told me that you loved how brutal and honest that I was, but I can't get that back from you. I feel cheated and lost and sad. You are so amazing and make me the happiest girl in the world. But you also make me feel so bad not only because of your actions but because of them I can't believe anything that you say anymore. You fucked it all up. Nothing will ever be the way it was. It will never be that good again. I just know that you are gonna hurt me again and probably many more times depending and now I have to make up my mind whether or not I want to find out.