i just don't get it
I told David tonight that I can no longer talk to him. I screwed up and sent a duplicate message that was for Kimmy to david by accident. I called him and explained my fuck up. It killed me when the "message receipt" came through and it said that I sent it to him and what I said played for Casey to hear. I had just explained that I don't talk to David like that anymore and then that message played. I immediately wanted to shoot myself right in the skull. Here I am making a huge deal about Casey not caring enough about me and that there must be something wrong with me and then that happens. I felt horrible. I don't talk to David like I used to and I don't care about David like I used to. Even when we talk it's all weird now because all I think about is Casey and how I wish it was him that I was spending 3 hours on the phone talking about nothing at all with. I feel like I am just not good enough. I feel like I must not love him enough or that there is something that I am just not doing. There are times that I feel like I should just call it all off right now. He can have Nicole, she can give him the love that he needs and I can go back to being miserable and drive myself into the ground again. Hey, at least he'll be better off right? I just feel like he hates me deep down or something. That he wants me to hurt so bad. That's why he won't tell her to stop. Because she's better than me and he doesn't want to give it up. That's fine... but don't string my heart along only to break it. I can't even trust him to make one phone call? I can't do this. It's slowly breaking my heart and killing me. I can't have my heart broken again. I will die, literally. I've finally given in and let myself love just once more. I'm hoping that this will be it. This is my fairytale ending. I don't think it is though. I just can't believe that he feels like I do because his actions speak louder than the words that he says. I've found someone that when he smiles my heart skips a beat, when he holds me I feel safe and when he tells me that he loves me the whole world disappears and it is just us. But what can that all mean if there is someone else? I just don't know what to do. All I want is to be happy and I want a boy that will do whatever it takes to make me happy. I don't want a relationship that is full of empty promises. I don't want someone that takes me breaking down into tears outside in the freezing cold to make an attempt only to fail yet never attempt again. I cry because it kills me to even type this but seriously.... why is it so hard to just love me? I've stopped flirting because I feel so strongly, I told the only person that I have been so seriously in love with for the past 4 years that I have moved on. I've made sacrifices that I feel aren't at all appreciated. I don't feel appreciated. I feel like I'm a sucker and I'm falling for the desire for attention. Until he proves to me that he means what he says... I don't know how to feel. I just don't know what to do to make it right. I feel hopeless and so unbelieveably sad. My heart hurts so much. I've never lied and I've never hid anything. Not from this boy. I care so fucking much that I feel like this is all gonna end up like everything has before. Me... alone and broke and even broken. I was so mean this weekend too. So moody because deep down I was hurting so bad. My defense is to put ip a wall. I'm gonna fuck it all up..... I just know it for sure. If love is so amazing... why does it hurt so much?