(no subject)
I just drove home crying my brains out because I... am a jerk. I'm sleeping in Casey's bed and the phone rings. It woke me up. He left not only the room but the house to go talk on the phone. He went outside. I'm thinking to myself, "maybe he's just being considerate and smoking a cigarette." Then like 15 minutes pass by and I start thinking now, "Why did he have to go outside? What is he hiding?" So I get up and go brush my teeth because no one likes the morning breath kiss. I come back and lay down waiting. Waiting for my boyfriend to come back so that I can try to molest him before I leave (at least cuddle and stuff). After waiting like 10 more minutes... the thoughts that are going through my head are killing me. So I get dressed, get my shit together and am ready to leave. I walk outside and he's in the car on the phone. I shouldn't even think bad things but to me... it just seems super shady. Especially when it was his friend who happens to be a girl. I'm not the jealous type usually but like... this whole scenario to me just seemed not good. Just not good. I was hurt, I was mad and I didn't want to say something that I would regret or overreact. So I just wanted to get the hell out of there bad. I know that I tried to convince Kris that she shouldn't worry about Todd and I being friends but I guess for any girl that feeling isn't gonna just go away because someone tells it to. I guess I have to come to the terms that yes, my boyfriend... talks to other girls that are his friends. Deep down the thought of another girl being better than I am or being more desirable than I am really kills me. I guess for me I just want my boyfriend to look at me and think "wow, I really do have the best girl." I probably wouldn't even react this way at all if it was only the first time this happened; but it's not. I think that's what makes my head start to think all these bad things. On the way home I kept asking myself what happened to my trust. I don't think that it is necessarily a matter of trust here at all. I DO trust my boyfriend. It is just that an action like this drives me crazy. I think that because I am so scared of fucking up all this that we have I concoct these crazy ideas. My insecurity takes rule sometimes. The little voice in the back of my head is saying in the tone of a nagging school teacher... "I never would have done that." And then I think of the "golden rule." I pretty much have lived my entire life on the premise of that rule. Some things bother me more than others. Some I can turn my back to and not care all that much. Some just eat away at me so bad that I just can't handle it. I'm am just so in fear of him waking up one day and thinking to himself that this is too much and that he wasn't ready for me and wants to end it. On my side of things... I'd like to think that this is it. At least for a long time. I am so happy and this is all that I have wanted for so long I really really don't want it to end. At least not prematurely... I guess.