(no subject)
So... it is October and the trees are changing colors. The air smells crisp and clean and the wind is quite chilly at times. I love the fall. I really do. I wanna go to Indian Ladder before it closes so bad. I don't think I'll be doing the trail though since it is a place that I would love to go with Casey and his thing with heights would just not go well. I mean, one wrong step and you'll be surfing down the mountain on your face. Yikes. It's just so peaceful and pretty though. I applied for like 7 jobs today on that long ass website. I have an interview on Tuesday with a temp agency. I think that this ultimately is the best way to go considering that I really want to go to school in February. I mean, I don't "want" to go to school.... I AM going to school. I'm done being immature and not knowing what I want to do with my life. Do we really ever know what we want to do? I think we just roll with it most of the time. I honestly don't think I will ever grow up really... I refuse to be boring. I saw this spa on broadway in the 'toga last night and thought to myself... "wouldn't it be nice if I got my degree and then worked there? I'd make sooooooo much money!" cuz as we all know.... saratoga is full of rich snobby artsy fartsy political money spenders. Rich housewives like to get pampered and I sure like tips. ahahaha My counselor told me to get a piece of paper and write down my goals for 30 days. When you write them down it becomes more achieveable than just having a thought in the back of your head. So right now, in big red letters on my calendar, my goal for the next 30 days is to "GET A JOB." Eventually, when I achieve this goal and get some confidence and the feeling of accomplishment back in me there will be more than one goal for a 30 day period. Overall.... within the next year, I want to have a job, be in school, get out of my parents' house and be closer to the life that I want. I just want to be able to have fun whenever I feel like it and not have massively crazy expenses and lack of money holding me back all the time.
I feel silly. I have a counselor. I feel officially crazy now. What's wrong with me? I like going there. I like seeing her. I feel like my life was going no where and there wasn't any positives pushing me to do better, well, except Todd... he's always been on me to quit being a bum, and nikki too but now I have someone who is giving me a little guidance and I love it. It's like I've been surrounded by all this negativity so much that now I am sucked in. I stared in the mirror today and I didn't see myself. Physically yes but I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be so optimistic and bubbly and outgoing. I didn't have a care in the world about how I looked, how people thought about me or any of that stuff and now it's like I can't walk past a shiny surface without looking to make sure that I look pretty enough. I can't enter a room full of people I don't know without wanting to find a dark spot and hide out. I'm so nervous and shy that I'm STILL afraid to talk to Casey's mom. I do, but like I get all jittery and nervous. I know that I have no reason to be, she's super nice and pretty funny too and she likes me (which is not normal) yet I just can't seem to calm down. I know that eventually, I will be ok. I guess it's mostly because I have this problem with treating parents like my friends and then I seem to come off as disrespectful. I hate that.
Have I told you how much I love karma? ahahaha, read my other journal and you might threaten to slap me for that statement. Karma is a bitch... most of the time. I'm really glad that I thought Casey was a dweeb when we first started talking and decided to care less whether we ever met or not. I think that if I had felt differently then things would obviously be different and I wouldn't be happy like I am right now. I think back at the time and I don't think that I was ready for anything and "someone" was trying to tell me that. I have a boyfriend that seems to love me so much that I get a shortness of breath when he says sweet things to me. One kiss and I have goosebumps everywhere. You know what though.... I'm jealous.....
I'm jealous that fucking Camel sends my boyfriend posters of pin-up chicks and I get stupid gay ass scenery bullshit. What the fuck! ahahaha
I feel silly. I have a counselor. I feel officially crazy now. What's wrong with me? I like going there. I like seeing her. I feel like my life was going no where and there wasn't any positives pushing me to do better, well, except Todd... he's always been on me to quit being a bum, and nikki too but now I have someone who is giving me a little guidance and I love it. It's like I've been surrounded by all this negativity so much that now I am sucked in. I stared in the mirror today and I didn't see myself. Physically yes but I don't know who I am anymore. I used to be so optimistic and bubbly and outgoing. I didn't have a care in the world about how I looked, how people thought about me or any of that stuff and now it's like I can't walk past a shiny surface without looking to make sure that I look pretty enough. I can't enter a room full of people I don't know without wanting to find a dark spot and hide out. I'm so nervous and shy that I'm STILL afraid to talk to Casey's mom. I do, but like I get all jittery and nervous. I know that I have no reason to be, she's super nice and pretty funny too and she likes me (which is not normal) yet I just can't seem to calm down. I know that eventually, I will be ok. I guess it's mostly because I have this problem with treating parents like my friends and then I seem to come off as disrespectful. I hate that.
Have I told you how much I love karma? ahahaha, read my other journal and you might threaten to slap me for that statement. Karma is a bitch... most of the time. I'm really glad that I thought Casey was a dweeb when we first started talking and decided to care less whether we ever met or not. I think that if I had felt differently then things would obviously be different and I wouldn't be happy like I am right now. I think back at the time and I don't think that I was ready for anything and "someone" was trying to tell me that. I have a boyfriend that seems to love me so much that I get a shortness of breath when he says sweet things to me. One kiss and I have goosebumps everywhere. You know what though.... I'm jealous.....
I'm jealous that fucking Camel sends my boyfriend posters of pin-up chicks and I get stupid gay ass scenery bullshit. What the fuck! ahahaha